☁️ cloud pup ☁️ they/them

Growing up

We were never very close growing up. We had fun as toddlers and elementary school age, but also fought violently.

They expressed their discomforts loudly, required a lot of support from my mom, and most of the family’s energy and attention was focused on them. I had chaotic meltdowns as well, but mostly turned my pain inward and attempted to take care of myself.

Things were relatively calm for them in middle school, while this became a time of deep struggle for me. Again, I kept it all to myself. My mom had no idea I was struggling immensely with self-harm until a friend found out in 8th grade and urged me to tell her. My dad was nowhere to be found during all this other than to yell at me for hurting myself and take my bedroom door off it’s hinges.

Late high school was when we really realized something was going on with them. They did zero self-care like taking showers, grooming, wearing clothes besides pajamas. They were always exhausted, eyes barely open, falling asleep at the dinner table. I found out years later they were actually nodding off from heroin.

It was hard to know how to support them, or even recognize what was going on, because the majority of interaction with them was them destroying shit around the house, screaming at people, being abusive.

I was dealing with severe mental illness, substance use, trouble at school, and with law enforcement, I literally did not have the capacity for even beginning to know how to help.

My parents were way over their heads. They both had severe addiction in their families, and (again, I didn’t realize until much later,) my dad was abusing alcohol as well. My mom is an incredibly naive person who grew up horrendously sheltered and totally unprepared for these types of life challenges. She also doesn’t struggle with mental illness of any kind beyond a bit of anxiety, so this was all fully out of her realm of knowledge.

In our 20′s, I tried to reach out, to be as good an older sibling I could be. I did my best, but I mostly only saw them when they were in crisis. Multiple times I helped them detox at home, urged them to seek help, tried to connect them with resources. They were hardly responsive, and abusive, scary, and exhausting when using.

Things always came to a standstill because ultimately they feel totally powerless, and see themself as a victim of circumstance. There is a strong disconnect when it comes to being able to take any level of responsibility for their health, their life, or quite frankly anything.

Even when I tried to lead by example and share how helpful certain things like therapy and medication have been for me, that I know it’s hard but I’m here to help and it’s worth it to try to have an open mind. I think they weren’t ready to let go of the identity they formed in their mind of being persecuted.

Reconnecting

At the beginning of the pandemic, they got sober, I got sober, and we actually became best friends. I taught them so much, helped them realize things about life, about their identity, how to survive. They were actually able to be receptive to my friendship.

They practically lived with me for about 6 months. We even discussed trying to clear out space for them to move in.

I was SO happy, I felt like I had a real sibling for the first time, like how I thought the bond between siblings was supposed to be. I don't really have family (beyond chosen-family) besides my parents, and my grandma (who just passed away a few weeks ago.)

Then, one day, they decided it would be okay for them to do drugs and drink sometimes. I urged them not to, as they were less than a year into their sobriety. Things were still SO fragile. Instead of taking my advice, or flat out saying they disagree, they lied to me about it, and asked others to lie to me for them. 

Of course, our friends would not in fact lie to me for them. They didn’t realize this, and somehow had the ability to keep a straight face, look me in the eyes, and talk shit. This gave me chills. It makes me feel sick to think about.

Once this began, it called into question every conversation we'd had in the past year. I wondered if all the closeness we shared, and trust we had before had been genuine, or if they were putting on an act then, too.

It hurt so much, but I truly had no idea how bad it was about to get.

Catastrophe

After they started using again, all hell broke loose. They went full on self-destruct, practically overnight. They took every stride they had made in getting their life together, and threw it in the trash. They quit their job, spent all their savings, bailed on their apartment, and isolated all their friends.

My parents and I spent about six months with them at the center of our worlds. They became the only thing any of us were able to think about, focus on, or put energy into.

The three of us, plus my four closest friends (who had recently become their friends) dropped everything to do all we could to support them. We all severely overextended our abilities because we were so worried.

Their response to all our attempts at love, understanding, immeasurable patience, calm, kindness, loyalty, was to be horribly abusive, say the worst, most hurtful things, and honestly make me afraid for my safety. 

It all came to a head when they went to my parents house one day, and refused to leave. When I say refused to leave, I mean they destroyed part of the house, built a barricade to the ceiling, and stayed behind it for weeks.

My mom called me every day crying. We truly thought they were going to die. I was afraid for my parents safety, as my sibling was paranoid, and carrying a knife when leaving the barricade to go to the bathroom. My parents had to stay in a hotel because it was too much.

They were putting weird signs in the window, and I was so afraid a neighbor or passerby was going to call the cops and get my sibling killed killed.

I called every resource I could find in our area. I brought social workers to the house to try to talk to them, called hotlines and handed them the phone, sent them links to online support chats. But they were so manic, they could hardly hold a conversation.

They just screamed, yelled, sobbed, broke things, banged on and tore open the wall, blasted music. It was so overwhelming. We all felt helpless. Obviously they did, too.

Diversion

I realized the only way they were coming out of there was when they made themself sick enough to need medical care. They've had to be hospitalized for alcohol related emergencies before, and sure enough, that's what finally resolved this chapter.

They drank so much, they got violently ill. They called and asked me to drive them to the hospital. We all left work, rushed over, got them in the car, and bolted to the ER.

After dropping them off, I called the inpatient addiction treatment facility I’d been in contact throughout this, and just barely convinced them to try. They informed me they wouldn’t have an opening in the program for about a week, but if my sibling called, they could process the intake over the phone.

With that partially taken care of, I rushed to my parents house to begin cleaning up. As I said, the area they had been barricaded was fucked. When they finally came out that morning before going to the ER, they destroyed the barricade, throwing everything out into the surrounding part of the house.

Broken glass, furniture in pieces, cat litter and food everywhere (they kept their cat in the barricade with them,) piles of trash, and when I went to grab a broom and trashcan, I found the (tall kitchen) trash can full of their vomit.

It was so, so awful. It literally looked like our childhood home had been damaged by a storm. They wrote manic and paranoid rantings all over every inch of the walls with permanent marker. I just cried. I couldn’t look at it, didn’t want to know what kind of things they wrote.

Dissociation took over, and I powered through, separating things I knew they would need, and throwing everything else in garbage bags. I cleaned and cleaned, as fast as possible. It hurt me to deal with, but I couldn’t bare the thought of my parents having to do it.

My mom was a nervous wreck, and my dad, who rarely shows strong emotion beyond anger and irritability, had apparently had a severe panic attack the night before.

I felt it was my responsibility to take care of everyone until I collapsed with exhaustion.

The chaos after

Obviously, this whole experience left me severely burnt out. I had spent most of the last six months totally dissociated, feeling as though it was my role to be the strong and dependable one to my parents and sibling.

I had no idea what a toll it was taking on me.

A few weeks after all this, my health took a nosedive. I’ll save the details for another time, but to make a long story short, I ended up in the ER myself multiple times, in and out of the hospital, countless tests, on a slew of new medications, and a new routine of appointments I had to maintain for the foreseeable future.

After this point, my life as it was before ceased to exist. My entire experience became wholly focused on my health, and dealing with becoming more disabled than ever. I lost the ability to work, to do hobbies, to take care of any responsibilities outside of medical appointments.

This has been my life, from the end of 2021 to now. It’s become impossible to relate to others who aren’t disabled. Just trying to keep in touch and have conversation feels impossible. It’s almost laughable when I’d be asked something like “what are you doing this weekend?” because obviously I’m staying home and trying to survive, just like every other day. Existence becomes a blur. It’s like I’m living in a different world. And there’s so, so, so much grief.

Gaslighting

My sibling stayed in rehab for a month, and seemed to enjoy the experience.

They texted me a few times, talking about themself, their life, what they’re up to. They never asked how I’m doing. They gave one sentence of apology over text (after being prompted to by my mom,) then immediately asked me for a favor.

I just couldn’t. That’s all I can say. There’s nothing there. I’m empty. Totally drained. I’m gone.

I told them I’m happy for them, and gave neutral responses to everything else. They had no sense of reality as to how traumatic this was for everyone. How hurtful the things they said and did were. Just as it’s always been with them, they were ready to just brush it all under the rug as if everything was fine.

This is the exact same kind of gaslighting my abusive ex used to do to me. He was an alcoholic, too, and would get drunk, abuse me, then pretend like nothing happened the next day. It was infuriating, and made me feel totally off balance.I just cannot tolerate ever being treated like that again. That experience in itself fucked me up for four years. I was only less than two years into healing when all this last event with my sibling began. I just can’t deal with it.

I didn’t see them at all after taking them to the hospital, until my family gathered at my grandma’s deathbed a few weeks ago. I wasn’t worried about seeing them, as all I cared about was grandma. I didn’t have the mental space to care about anything else.

Regardless, their presence made me cringe anyway. They walked in, obviously intoxicated, talking about frivolous things about themself while my parents and I were crying and gathered around my unconscious grandma. I tried so hard not to react, but I was so scared they would ruin this moment. The rest of us had been there all day, and it was obvious she was at her final minutes. My sibling stayed briefly, then left the room to “go do something,” and this is when grandma passed.

It reminded me of when I was 20, and our childhood dog started having seizures that wouldn’t stop. I had to make the decision to put him down. My sibling didn’t even spend time with him in his last moments, or come to the animal hospital to say goodbye. I just don’t understand their apparent lack of ability to be there for anyone else.

Now

This morning, they texted me, and I was instantly filled with dread. A couple days ago, they asked if they could stop by as they were in the area. In that moment, I was working, and having mental health struggles of my own. Plus, I have always made it clear to anyone who knows me, I don’t do anything spontaneously. People “just dropping by” has been something I’ve been wildly uncomfortable with my entire life.

I didn’t respond. In my mind, not responding instantly is not only consistent with my communication style, but also how they communicate, too. It takes them days to respond to any texts or calls.

Yet, they apparently took offense to this. They sent accusations of how unfair I was being, how I never gave them a chance, that I was wrong for banning them from ever seeing my dogs again (I’ve never mentioned any rules regarding my dogs whatsoever, although I have had intrusive thoughts about them kidnapping them.)

I’m just so exhausted. I’ve had multiple nightmares about them recently, about them physically hurting and threatening me and my parents. Each time I’ve had one of these dreams, my mom calls me within hours of me waking up, crying because something just happened with my sibling.

Might I be Actually Autistic?

I relate deeply with the lived experiences shared by other autistic people, especially those who also have ADHD.

I have pervasive sensory issues that have been a consistent struggle at home, away from home, at school growing up, and in social situations. My system is so sensitive, I have to consider my sensory needs in everything I do. These are not things I've been able to keep private, and are not preferences, but things that cause physical and emotional pain (have to cover eyes, ears, nose from overstimulation, or remove myself.)

I am intrinsicly drawn to patterns. I see, feel, and experience them in everything. I understand and enjoy things through collecting and categorizing.

I have experienced unexplainable meltdowns my entire life, these being some of my earliest memories. These happen most often when overwhelmed, when plans change, while facing decision fatigue, or when feeling misunderstood or abandoned.

I also experience shutdowns, where I turn inward, and can't interact. I get tunnel vision, it feels like there is a visual barrier between me and everything else, my perception becomes small, my hands/arms feel far away, my eye focus becomes dazed (zoning out, staring at nothing,) I can't speak or communicate.

I was told I had anger issues as a child, and I was very angry, because I felt like no one understood me or was able to take care of me. But my rage wasn't because I felt entitled to anything, or for superficial reasons that could be attributed to immaturity or age. My rage was because I was in such intense emotional pain and sensory overwhelm most of the time, and I felt like no one cared, and there was no escape.

When I was younger, I was told I was stubborn and inflexible.

I have felt different my entire life. As much as I love connecting with others, when in groups of more than one-on-one socializing, I often feel like an outsider, like I can't integrate. This has made me feel isolated and trapped in my own head.

I feel everything at 200%. I feel so deeply that I've lived most of my life in extremes of utter despair, hopelessness, and crushing pain, as if I'm carrying the world on my shoulders – or – in boundless ecstatic joy, obsession, euphoria, bliss, warm-fuzzy, dreamy surrender.

I have a fervent need for justice and compassion. My empathy is so deep and overwhelming, I feel like an alien on a planet of humans who are just fine with immense suffering and unfair existence. I desperately want to help others feel loved, seen, and included.

I feel I have a lot to offer, so I've found myself confused when people push my love and affection away. I got the sense that I am too much for people at times.

For a while, I tried to mask my desire to love and feel everything deeply, so that I didn't overwhelm others and scare them off. I lost myself in trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be (cool, detached, easy going, having no needs, care free.)

I am trusting, suggestible, and easily influenced. I have to make a conscious effort to gather all the facts, step back and look at things objectively, rely on others outside opinions of situations.

I frequently assume others share my outlook or motivation, and have been taken advantage of because of this. I assume since I have good intentions, others do too.

I get overwhelmed with friendships and relationships without a sense of structure, expectations, or clearly stated boundaries. I have always had my own idea of how friendships and relationships work, that often doesn't align with others expectations. This has led to miscommunication, one of us getting hurt, or me accidentally ghosting people.

My lifestyle and beliefs have always been counter to what is acceptable/normal to the majority of society. I have had to hide who I am at some level in almost every area of life.

I've had a desperate need for belonging, to be loved and valued. I have obsessively clung to, and often made impulsive, inappropriate decisions involving people who made me feel wanted.

I get wholly obsessed with things, deep diving into every interest, then jumping to the next. My friendships have generally been interest based, revolving around a certain thing that led us to meeting. I am restless and don't know what to do with myself in unstructured settings.

I stim when I'm happy, stim when I'm anxious, stim when I'm bored, stim when I'm overwhelmed.

I talked and read early as a child. I was put in the “gifted & talented” program in elementary school. Despite this, I struggled immensely with school. Everything moved too fast, and was simultaneously overwhelming and understimulating.

I've always felt like there was some deep secret inside me needing to be unlocked. I've spent countless hours researching different experiences, conditions, ways of being, identities, trying to figure out the missing piece in understanding myself. I have had repetitive dreams with recurring themes my entire life, and feel strongly my inner self has been trying to tell me something forever.

I've had generally poor health all my life. There just seems to be something wrong all the time.

“The fact you connect with what you’re learning about Autism and especially AuDHD’ers lived experiences is a good indication. Internalized ableism and Autistiphobia are hard to overcome.

I learned I was AuDHD as a young adult, and while it was liberatory in a way, I felt it was wrong of me to co-opt something I didn’t think I deserved to take the title of, as there were people who have more or different support needs. That was the ableism.

It’s okay to take your time. Feeling the need to justify your existence to others is their neuro-normative expectations on you, not your burden to bear.”

“I’m autistic and have all the traits you mentioned too.”

“Whatever you decide, you’re welcome between us! It took me a couple years to bring it to people close to me, and even then I have been really guarded about it in general, that’s ok too!”

“This is wildly autistic; which is to say, so awesome. You don’t need a test to know who you are.”

“I relate to a lot of what you shared. I went from social anxiety to BPD to cPTSD to ADHD before ever considering autism. I needed to know why I am so different and why life is so hard for me. I needed validation which I never got before finding the autistic community here.”

“This is autistic as fuck. Reminder that autism self-dx is absolutely valid. You don’t owe an explanation to anyone.”

“You do you and what works for you, but as soon as I started reading your thread I was like hmmm, yep, sounds very familiar! :)”

“That would be a very autistic thing to do, you probably don’t need to do the list. ;)”

“Something I’m learning is that people who are not autistic don’t spend time wondering if they are.”

“This is me but 4 years of intensive research. My traits are recorded in sections in a document.”

“This first post right here is all the diagnosis you need. You just described the most autistic thing. This is the journey for so many of us. Welcome to the club.”

“So you’re saying you’re autistic then. ;) I agonized as well, making lists, weighing ADHD with ASD. Then I came here and talked about it and was assured that NT’s don’t make lists about whether they’re autistic or not. In fact, their brains are apparently rather quiet from what I hear.”

“There’s not much in the world that’s more autistic than extensive research on whether or not you’re autistic.”

“Making a list is a very autistic approach. I use it often.”

1. I am a sympathetic person. Always true. I am very sensitive to others strong feelings. I don’t always agree with, or understand why someone feels the way they do, but I feel for them, and can relate to the feeling itself (even if it was another context for me.)

2. I often use words and phrases from movies and television in conversations. Yes. I’m obsessed with film, always have been. It’s an art form that is easily translated into every day situations.

3. I am often surprised when others tell me I have been rude. Sometimes I have done things people have gotten mad at or said is inappropriate. Less now as an adult, as I try really hard to learn from those situations. I hate when someone is mad at me.

4. Sometimes I talk too loudly or too softly, and I am not aware of it. I have been told I am too loud at times.

5. I often don't know how to act in social situations. Social situations aren’t inherently comfortable for me, but I have learned ways to cope.

6. I can 'put myself in other people's shoes.' Vividly. Empathy and understanding others so they feel less alone is a strong value of mine. I read lots of memoirs, articles, watch documentaries and films, listen to podcasts, and interact with others online so that I can have a deeper understanding of what it’s like to be someone who isn’t me.

7. I have a hard time figuring out what some phrases mean, like 'you are the apple of my eye.' If I haven’t heard it before, and there isn’t enough context. I’ve heard this specific phrase as long as I can remember, so I don’t think this is a good example. Usually I go off the tone of the situation and gloss past terms I am unaware of. Sometimes I find out it means something totally different, but it’s not usually a huge deal.

8. I only like to talk to people who share my special interests. This Q is difficult for me. I am very isolated these days, and barely talk to anyone besides my partner, and people in same communities as me online. So, I guess, yes? I have chosen not to seek out conversation with people who don’t share my interests.

It’s hard because I’m still learning what’s the difference between shared community (like neurodivergency, mental illness, disability - the communities I spend time in online,) and a special interest. Does it need to be more specific than that? My socializing has always centered around a specific interest. I have difficulty and disinterest in socializing if it’s not centered around the thing we have in common.

9. I focus on details rather than the overall idea. I get stuck on details, yes.

10. I always notice how food feels in my mouth. This is more important to me than how it tastes. This question sucks because yes, I always notice it, but Idk if it’s more important than how it tastes? Well, maybe it is, because thinking of examples, I love the flavor of apples, but if I bite into it and it’s dry, feeling like it’s sapping the moisture out of my mouth, I can hear the squeak on the peel, no I can’t do it.

11. I miss my best friends or family when we are apart for a long time. Kinda. I’m fine with having non-romantic relationships that are long distance. I’ve only met my best friend since childhood a few times in person and we still talk every day.

12. Sometimes I offend others by saying what I am thinking, even if I don't mean to. Yes, but again, I have learned to essentially rehearse what I say in my head before I say it, to avoid this. I keep a lot to myself.

13. I only like to think and talk about a few things that interest me. I have gotten obsessed with sooo many things over the years, so there are a lot of things that interest me. I had a period of time where I was obsessed with being knowledgeable in all areas (like, a renaissance man lol,) so I can relate in convos and sorta know what I’m talking about.

I don’t really like talking about things I’m not interested in (does anyone?) and I definitely don’t like thinking about stuff I’m uninterested in. That definitely made school impossible.

14. I'd rather go out to eat in a restaurant by myself than with someone I know. Absolutely not. I’m terrified of getting into a scary situation when I’m alone.

15. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be someone else. As I said, understanding others point of view is important to me.

16. I have been told that I am clumsy or uncoordinated. Lately my fine motor skills have gotten worse.

17. Others consider me odd or different. Ya.

18. I understand when friends need to be comforted. Yes, I try to know what to say or do to help a person feel safe.

19. I am very sensitive to the way my clothes feel when I touch them. How they feel is more important to me than how they look. Generally. I love fashion/style, so I like looking cute, but I really only wear athleisure clothing.

20. I like to copy the way certain people speak and act. It helps me appear more normal. I haven’t like, copied a specific person’s mannerisms, but I have studied body language, and monitor my own to fit the situation.

21. It can be very intimidating for me to talk to more than one person at the same time. Casual conversation, no. If this means like, public speaking, yeah that was really hard as a kid. I’ve come up with ways to get through it as an adult.

22. I have to 'act normal' to please other people and make them like me. Basically.

23. Meeting new people is usually easy for me. I get anxious, but I go over every situation in my head before it happens.

24. I get highly confused when someone interrupts me when I am talking about something I am very interested in. Yes, but I’m used to being interrupted so I usually just shut up. It’s hard not to take it personal.

25. It is difficult for me to understand how other people are feeling when we are talking. I guess? I always ask and clarify.

26. I like having a conversation with several people, for instance around a dinner table, at school or at work. Not really.

27. I take things too literally, so I often miss what people are trying to say. Yeah sometimes.

28. It is very difficult for me to understand when someone is embarrassed or jealous. It can be hard for me to understand if someone doesn’t feel the same way as me in general, if it’s about something involving strong emotions.

29. Some ordinary textures that do not bother others feel very offensive when they touch my skin. Apparently so!

30. I get extremely upset when the way I like to do things is suddenly changed. I really don’t like last minute changes. I go over how to keep things running smoothly in my head, and do them a certain way for a reason. If there is a change, I need time to make adjustments.

31. I have never wanted or needed to have what other people call an 'intimate relationship.' I have always been obsessed with being in a relationship.

32. It is difficult for me to start and stop a conversation. I need to keep going until I am finished. Yeah if we don’t finish it now, just forget it. If there’s not gonna be time for the whole thing, let’s plan to talk at x-o’clock. This was a lot harder for me in my teens and 20s. I struggled with moving past an issue, it needed to be addressed immediately or I couldn’t move forward.

33. I speak with a normal rhythm. Never been told otherwise.

34. The same sound, color or texture can suddenly change from very sensitive to very dull. I don’t really understand this question, but I don’t think so.

35. The phrase 'I've got you under my skin' makes me uncomfortable. lol I mean it’s gross, but it doesn’t bother me.

36. Sometimes the sound of a word or a high-pitched noise can be painful to my ears. Yes, I have to adjust my environment a lot, or cover my ears, or ask someone not to do something.

37. I am an understanding type of person. Yes, I have found it important to be laid back when possible.

38. I do not connect with characters in movies and cannot feel what they feel. I connect deeply with characters, and find film a great way to communicate my experiences to others.

39. I cannot tell when someone is flirting with me. I am paranoid about this, so I can usually tell.

40. I can see in my mind in exact detail things that I am interested in. Yes I love visualizing and fantasizing.

41. I keep lists of things that interest me, even when they have no practical use (for example sports statistics, train schedules, calendar dates, historical facts and dates). I love lists. They help me make sense of the world and remember things.

42. When I feel overwhelmed by my senses, I have to isolate myself to shut them down. Absolutely.

43. I like to talk things over with my friends. Yes I need help understanding if what I’m feeling is reasonable and making decisions.

44. I cannot tell if someone is interested or bored with what I am saying. I guess not, cuz I constantly try to give people an out by leaving before I’m asked to leave, or keeping the convo focused on what the other person wants to talk about. It’s like my aversion to being rejected is stronger than my aversion to being bored.

45. It can be very hard to read someone's face, hand and body movements when they are talking. I try to pay a lot of attention to these things.

46. The same thing (like clothes or temperatures) can feel very different to me at different times. Yeah I am like always uncomfortable.

47. I feel very comfortable with dating or being in social situations with others. It depends.

48. I try to be as helpful as I can when other people tell me their personal problems. Yes I like being able to help people.

49. I have been told that I have an unusual voice (for example flat, monotone, childish, or high-pitched). No but people say I laugh too much lol.

50. Sometimes a thought or a subject gets stuck in my mind and I have to talk about it even if no one is interested. Yes I’m very curious and can go down rabbit holes easily.

51. I do certain things with my hands over and over again (like flapping, twirling sticks or strings, waving things by my eyes). Always messing with something, whether it be examining or picking at my fingers, rubbing fabric from my clothes between my fingers, pulling at my eyebrows, rubbing my hands together... I can’t really sit still and quiet.

52. I have never been interested in what most of the people I know consider interesting. I usually socialize based on a shared interest, and keep everything else to myself.

53. I am considered a compassionate type of person. Yes I care a lot.

54. I get along with other people by following a set of specific rules that help me look normal. I try to be likable, and I worry more about others needs than my own.

55. It is very difficult for me to work and function in groups. Yeah it’s frustrating.

56. When I am talking to someone, it is hard to change the subject. If the other person does so, I can get very upset and confused. I prefer knowing what to expect and having structure (let’s do/talk about this thing, okay wanna do/talk about something else now?)

57. Sometimes I have to cover my ears to block out painful noises (like vacuum cleaners or people talking too much or too loudly). Yeah the world is really annoying.

58. I can chat and make small talk with people. Most people love to talk about themselves, so if I ask questions, it’s easy. Don’t ask me about me though lol.

59. Sometimes things that should feel painful are not (for instance when I hurt myself or burn my hand on the stove). So I am told. Piercings and tattoos don’t bother me. I get allergy shots and every time I mention it, people say it must hurt, but it’s a non-factor for me. And not to mention I used to SH...

60. When talking to someone, I have a hard time telling when it is my turn to talk or to listen. It’s kinda like you have to be fast to be able to get a word in.

61. I am considered a loner by those who know me best. I love being alone and doing my own thing, but it’s not socially acceptable, and other people need me, and it’s important to have connection, so I make a conscious decision to. And barely anyone knows me very well lol.

62. I usually speak in a normal tone. Sure I think so.

63. I like things to be exactly the same day after day and even small changes in my routines upset me. As long as I have decided on these changes myself, it’s fine. If it’s something like, my partner is randomly off work and now I have to adjust my day to not having all my time to myself, it’s hard.

64. How to make friends and socialize is a mystery to me. I know how to, I just don’t really want to. IRL, that is. Online friends are great bc they have way less expectations.

65. It calms me to spin around or to rock in a chair when I'm feeling stressed. Yes, rocking soothes me. I spin when I’m happy.

66. The phrase, 'He wears his heart on his sleeve,' does not make sense to me. It does because I looked it up online many years ago and relate to it. 

67. If I am in a place where there are many smells, textures to feel, noises or bright lights, I feel anxious or frightened. It depends. Some things are more tolerable than others, and I can often prepare myself with accommodations. Other than that, I can’t stand it.

68. I can tell when someone says one thing but means something else. Not always. I usually ask to clarify.

69. I like to be by myself as much as I can. Yes, it’s more interesting and less to worry about.

70. I keep my thoughts stacked in my memory like they are on filing cards, and I pick out the ones I need by looking through the stack and finding the right one (or another unique way). No filing card memory for me, and I don’t know what “another unique way” is. This question is going over my head.

71. The same sound sometimes seems very loud or very soft, even though I know it has not changed. The more over or understimulated I am, my senses adjust.

72. I enjoy spending time eating and talking with my family and friends. Yes as long as I can leave when I’m ready.

73. I can't tolerate things I dislike (like smells, textures, sounds or colors). I sure can’t.

74. I don't like to be hugged or held. I love it when I consent to it.

75. When I go somewhere, I have to follow a familiar route or I can get very confused and upset. No, I trust GPS.

76. It is difficult to figure out what other people expect of me. Yes, expectations often don’t line up! I have grown to be very up front about this, and just ask out right, rather than deal with disappointment.

77. I like to have close friends. Not really. I like having my partner. Most friends I’ve tried to have have a different idea of what they want/expect out of a friend.

78. People tell me that I give too much detail. No one ever told me that, but I catch myself doing it now (constantly like, ok side note, sorry for the tangent!)

79. I am often told that I ask embarrassing questions. No.