new boot goofin

wine drunkkk. lords and ladies I don’t think it counts against my vow of chastity if I fuck my squire like it’s not even a big deal

absolutely enthralled by the idea that for turkeys, "investigate pretty shiny object" is a more innate instinct than "drink water to survive." Truly i may be a turkey at heart

Ok, so in the original Bram Stoker novel, sunlight is not lethal to Dracula. He just loses most of his powers. I'm bringing this up cuz I want a horror comedy where the hero, sensing dawn, tears off the curtains as a last-ditch effort only to have the vampire go "Aw shit, there goes most of my fancy powers. Guess I'll have to beat your ass the old-fashioned way" then proceeds to just deck the hero cuz a vampire at half-strength is still a fucking vampire.

this “bon appetit” meme has turned into some sort of bizarre telephone game where each incarnation sounds more and more different than the original. in what way does “bon appetit” sound like “osteoporosis”

i don’t know but it’s cracking me up every time i even think about it

bon appetit -> bone apple teeth -> bone ??? ??? -> osteoporosis

That sandwich sure didn’t

Got bored. So I made myself a maze in Minecraft, put Iron Golems at the start, punched them and proceeded to run for my life. So far I have been killed 6 times

When you get past the fear stage its actually really fun

I just realized I never put an exit on the maze and that's probably why I keep being cornered and dying

I have to make everything ok really fast

are you five nights at fucking kidding me

Imagine carving a funky little goat and 5000 years later people are looking at it in a museum.

One of the things I resent most about being Animal Brain Apex Predator trapped in Maximum Productivity Society is that I have to work when the weather is gross, instead of following my natural instinct to burrow myself into something dry and soft and sleep until Optimal Foraging Conditions

It is dark and cold and wet and miserable and I have a warm dark quiet hideaway full of food and drinking water that is safe from interlopers and for some ungodly reason instead of holing up there to conserve my energy, I am standing up in a brightly lit beige room for several hours. A possum wouldn't put up with this shit. I'm going to bite someone

I hate texting, let me cut you fruit and feed you by hand