Subito Horror Movie

me: okay

my teacher: hmm… maybe this one *starts playing*

me, inside: oh he plays so well, what a sound, ahhh intonation, what am i doing here, i still sound like a crap, please don’t stop

my teacher: *stops* oh sorry for that, i’m sightreading

me, inside: are you kidding me, wtf have you played wrong

the pianist has one implacable enemy: the piano

violins: they do this dramatic swaying thing and sometimes the performers’ faces look like they caught a whiff of something that isn’t good or bad but it’s iffy as hell

violas: they drop their instrument real low, like almost so that the scroll is hitting their knee, and they almost hop out of their chairs. it’s kind of intimidating

cellos: classic cello headbang

basses: that head thing djs at discos do

oboe: my god they’re like the violins on steroids. they move all over the place and their expression just becomes more and more pained as their solo goes on. don’t even get me STARTED on the eyebrows

clarinet: like the oboe but slightly more chilled out

flute: they lean forward and bob their heads as they AGGRESSIVELY spit into their instruments

bassoon: sometimes they close their eyes and start kind of dancing really passionately with their instrument and it’s kind of uncomfortable to watch

the entire brass section: they sit fairly still compared to the other instruments, but they’re still guilty of excessive eyebrow raising and lots of disapproving squints as they realize they’re playing out of tune and everybody heard it

percussion: they get really excited before they get to play their one note like they’ll hop around and start dancing and bobbing their head before their triangle part and it’s adorable

Grave — slow and solemn (20–40 bpm) Translation: just serious enough for nervous laughter during rests. Avoid eye contact with anyone.

Lento — slowly (40–60 bpm) Translation: it is actually possible to fall asleep while playing an instrument, to the confusion and horror of your teacher.

Largo — broadly (40–60 bpm) Translation: dramatic grand gestures while sober. Think sweeping.

Larghetto — rather broadly (60–66 bpm) Translation: dramatic grand gestures while drunk. Slightly more manic or erratic

Adagio — slow and stately (literally, “at ease”) (66–76 bpm) Translation: Julie Andrews, Queen of Genovia, is entering the room. Plenty of time to focus on hitting the right notes b/c u cannot fuck this up.

Adagietto — rather slow (70–80 bpm) Translation: the high school graduating class of 2018 is entering the room. 40% elated 70% bored. Mostly restrained by the staff, still want this over with.

Andante moderato — a bit slower than andante. Translation: a steady meander in the woods. Fast enough to be interesting, slow enough to savor.

Andante — at a walking pace (76–108 bpm) Translation: CPR speed! Do you have Stayin Alive or Another One Bites the Dust in your head? Either way good luck remembering your melody now.

Andantino – slightly faster than andante. Translation: Just saw someone you do NOT want to talk to but you don’t want to draw attention. Always feels slightly forced. That’s fine.

Moderato — moderately (108–120 bpm) Translation: Marching is the tenuous balance between comfortable speed for walking and comfortable speed for music. Much easier when not in a parade.

Allegretto — moderately fast (but less so than allegro). Translation: the piece is probably in moderato but you’re having fun! You totally got this! Everything’s a bit fast but you’re still hitting all the notes! Go you!

Allegro moderato — moderately quick (112–124 bpm) Translation: Approximately dancing speed, depending on your confidence and the degree to which you know where all your limbs are at any given time. Jam a little in your seat. It’s okay.

Allegro — fast, quickly and bright (120–168 bpm). Playful, for flirting without words. Wink as needed without losing your place.

Vivace — lively and fast (≈140 bpm) (quicker than allegro) Translation: That was probably too much coffee but it’s FINE. It’s probably not physically possible for your heart to beat out of your chest.

Vivacissimo — very fast and lively. Translation: Either you’re showing off or the composer wanted you to suffer. Probably the former.

Allegrissimo — very fast. Translation: You’re not one of those aerobic respirators are you? You can breathe when we finish this piece. Hold on for the ride.

Presto — very fast (168–200 bpm) Translation: use popcorn popping as your metronome. Doesn’t actually have a regular beat but at this speed neither do you.

Prestissimo — extremely fast (more than 200bpm) Translation: you don’t know what’s happening and neither does your conductor if you have one. Reeds are splitting, strings are snapping, wind instruments can’t feel their tongues. Flail your fingers and prey.*.

(http://www.classicalmusiccity.com/search/article.php?vars=446/Basic-Tempo-Markings.html)

*I haven’t touched my flute in four years