Watch until the end for an accurate representation of what it’s like to be a musician

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@celloooooooo
Watch until the end for an accurate representation of what it’s like to be a musician

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goblin screen
let them in
“Celebrating Sax: Instruments and Innovation” exhibition at The Met… or aka the horrific past of brass
drunk brass instruments
If brass instruments watched horror movies, these would be the melted former-humans emerging from the darkness underground.
A fun orchestral piece…
Maria Khoreva, Vaganova Ballet Academy student (popularly known as @marachok on instagram)

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my teacher: so it is the time to give you some new pieces
me: okay
my teacher: hmm… maybe this one *starts playing*
me, inside: oh he plays so well, what a sound, ahhh intonation, what am i doing here, i still sound like a crap, please don’t stop
my teacher: *stops* oh sorry for that, i’m sightreading
me, inside: are you kidding me, wtf have you played wrong
me: no problem, i-i… i understand.
i learned the best thing the other day in rehearsal: at the end of the first movement of beethoven 7, all of the strings are playing some type of chromatic passage. in the violin 1, violin 2, cello, and bass parts, the notes are marked d, c ♯, b ♯. yet, in the viola part, the notes are marked d, c ♯, c ♮. beethoven’s reason for doing this? he thought the violists wouldn’t understand the b ♯.
tl;dr — even beethoven made viola jokes
Orchestra: *ready to tune, waiting for concertmaster*
Oboe, preparing to tune orchestra: I wonder what would happen if I just played an F. Would people care? Like it’s just a really flat A.

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Sorry
Hyper lick mode activated
the pianist has one implacable enemy: the piano
[the little pianist, hans borchardt]
Adult Violists: very zen people, extremely chill about everything, slightly quirky
Student Violas: absolute human disasters, somehow manage to be put together by the concert, needs 347 stress balls
Confirmed
Beatrice Harrison and friend, 1923

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stupid things the orchestral instruments do when they're performing
violins: they do this dramatic swaying thing and sometimes the performers’ faces look like they caught a whiff of something that isn’t good or bad but it’s iffy as hell
violas: they drop their instrument real low, like almost so that the scroll is hitting their knee, and they almost hop out of their chairs. it’s kind of intimidating
cellos: classic cello headbang
basses: that head thing djs at discos do
oboe: my god they’re like the violins on steroids. they move all over the place and their expression just becomes more and more pained as their solo goes on. don’t even get me STARTED on the eyebrows
clarinet: like the oboe but slightly more chilled out
flute: they lean forward and bob their heads as they AGGRESSIVELY spit into their instruments
bassoon: sometimes they close their eyes and start kind of dancing really passionately with their instrument and it’s kind of uncomfortable to watch
the entire brass section: they sit fairly still compared to the other instruments, but they’re still guilty of excessive eyebrow raising and lots of disapproving squints as they realize they’re playing out of tune and everybody heard it
percussion: they get really excited before they get to play their one note like they’ll hop around and start dancing and bobbing their head before their triangle part and it’s adorable
piano: headbanging, head bobbing, swaying, pained expression (usually no eyebrow raises, though), and they sometimes drop their heads so that it looks like they’re sniffing the keys
Clarification: is there a set, standard amount of time, such as “one second”, that a “measure” of music lasts…? I understand that “4/4 time” means “four beats per measure”, but unless the length of time a “measure” lasts is consistent between songs, how does that make sense?
absolutely not; timing in music is not dependent on measure length, but instead based entirely on tempo. there ARE certain time signatures that are typically faster, such as 6/8, but there is no true standard and even 6/8 can be slower than 4/4, depending on the tempo. hope that helps!
who is responsible for this
Larghissimo — very, very slow (20 bpm and below) Translation*: plenty of time to get distracted between measures. Or notes.
Grave — slow and solemn (20–40 bpm) Translation: just serious enough for nervous laughter during rests. Avoid eye contact with anyone.
Lento — slowly (40–60 bpm) Translation: it is actually possible to fall asleep while playing an instrument, to the confusion and horror of your teacher.
Largo — broadly (40–60 bpm) Translation: dramatic grand gestures while sober. Think sweeping.
Larghetto — rather broadly (60–66 bpm) Translation: dramatic grand gestures while drunk. Slightly more manic or erratic
Adagio — slow and stately (literally, “at ease”) (66–76 bpm) Translation: Julie Andrews, Queen of Genovia, is entering the room. Plenty of time to focus on hitting the right notes b/c u cannot fuck this up.
Adagietto — rather slow (70–80 bpm) Translation: the high school graduating class of 2018 is entering the room. 40% elated 70% bored. Mostly restrained by the staff, still want this over with.
Andante moderato — a bit slower than andante. Translation: a steady meander in the woods. Fast enough to be interesting, slow enough to savor.
Andante — at a walking pace (76–108 bpm) Translation: CPR speed! Do you have Stayin Alive or Another One Bites the Dust in your head? Either way good luck remembering your melody now.
Andantino – slightly faster than andante. Translation: Just saw someone you do NOT want to talk to but you don’t want to draw attention. Always feels slightly forced. That’s fine.
Moderato — moderately (108–120 bpm) Translation: Marching is the tenuous balance between comfortable speed for walking and comfortable speed for music. Much easier when not in a parade.
Allegretto — moderately fast (but less so than allegro). Translation: the piece is probably in moderato but you’re having fun! You totally got this! Everything’s a bit fast but you’re still hitting all the notes! Go you!
Allegro moderato — moderately quick (112–124 bpm) Translation: Approximately dancing speed, depending on your confidence and the degree to which you know where all your limbs are at any given time. Jam a little in your seat. It’s okay.
Allegro — fast, quickly and bright (120–168 bpm). Playful, for flirting without words. Wink as needed without losing your place.
Vivace — lively and fast (≈140 bpm) (quicker than allegro) Translation: That was probably too much coffee but it’s FINE. It’s probably not physically possible for your heart to beat out of your chest.
Vivacissimo — very fast and lively. Translation: Either you’re showing off or the composer wanted you to suffer. Probably the former.
Allegrissimo — very fast. Translation: You’re not one of those aerobic respirators are you? You can breathe when we finish this piece. Hold on for the ride.
Presto — very fast (168–200 bpm) Translation: use popcorn popping as your metronome. Doesn’t actually have a regular beat but at this speed neither do you.
Prestissimo — extremely fast (more than 200bpm) Translation: you don’t know what’s happening and neither does your conductor if you have one. Reeds are splitting, strings are snapping, wind instruments can’t feel their tongues. Flail your fingers and prey.*.
(http://www.classicalmusiccity.com/search/article.php?vars=446/Basic-Tempo-Markings.html)
*I haven’t touched my flute in four years
**Yes I meant prey I’m a godless carnivore
#is this the schmidt pain index of tempo #did you personally allow different tempos to bite you
We musicians take the phrase “time is relative” to a new and painful level.