and this little piggy went to the internet

Babygirl I’m popping joints that paleontologists don’t even know about

No, fuck. Chiropractors

Yo mama so old her chiropractor is a paleontologist

if you call someone ‘terminally online’ or ‘extremely online’ you are also extremely online because only terminally online people know and use those terms as insults in the first place. that doesn’t mean you’re wrong about the other person but you have no claim of superiority and offlineness over them. i am including myself here

women arent allowed to compete in the tour de france and the womens races theyve had are like substantially shorter so that woman causing the largest crash in tour de france history by accidentally knocking a guy over with a sign is girlboss behavior and praxis

For a split second my dumbass thought the Fukushima nuclear accident had fried the rice

I hope this email sucks you off

if this pandemic was happening in 2011 every mask would have a fake mustache printed on it or would be bacon-patterned and i for one think that is a silver lining

You ever think about how crows are acting not unlike how early humans probably did and you’re just like. Oh ok

Realistically I know immortality would kinda suck but I’d love to see where crows are going with this

My last two braincells desperately trying to carry me through a month long depression

the fact that “puss” was just slang for “face” at the time doesn’t even make it better because Shaggy still pointed right at Frankenstein’s wife standing right there and loudly called her not just ugly, but ugly enough to be humorous to him

shaggy said booooo we hate your pussy

no smart appliances in this house. absolute fucking moron appliances only. my toaster is there to make bread hot not to tweet what time I ate breakfast or whatever the fuck

don't need my goddamn microwave to snitch to the nsa

if i am somehow forced to own a smart appliance (likely due to lack of availability) i will figure out how to take the computer out and make it dumb

lobotomize your coffeemaker

#Hieronymus Bob

It’s your tortured human soul, you can choose how many blackbirds you want to fly out of his anus. Just as many as you think it needs.

[ image is photograph of a brick wall with two big posters. the first one is the new york times article with every line blacked out except “officer Darren Wilson fatally shot unarmed black teenager, Michael Brown.” and to the right is a large blow up poster of Michael Brown in a graduation photo. ]

Powerful