Its Been 16 Years And I’m Still Crying Over Matt

“I suppose a lot of teenage girls feel invisible sometimes, like they just disappear. Well, that's me—Cammie the Chameleon. But I'm luckier than most because, at my school, that's considered cool. I go to a school for spies.”

Song 12: Best by Gracie Abrams

(another different format than I usually do)

Dear Josh,

Hi. Hey. Hi Josh. Hi.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. And I can't talk to anyone about it. Or maybe I don't want to.

I think the only person I could talk to about you... is you. And I can't do that for obvious reasons. Well, obvious to me. It can't be obvious to you because you forgot, which is the obvious thing, and now we're in this whole kind of spiral thing where it just goes around and around like a... spiral.

I did some crazy things. Crazier than getting a bottle out of a trash can or going through your trash or everything that happened the night we broke up.

I realize you might not have known about the trash thing, but I'm just gonna move past that. 

You might be wondering why, in the aftermath of all of the things that have happened since the night we broke up, why am I thinking about you. Maybe it's because I miss when things were much easier and, whether you believe it or not, that was a much easier time.

Or maybe it has more to do with the fact that I lost my memories recently. Of the whole summer. I realize I actually don't know how much you forgot and I never will. I know the night we broke up is mostly a blur and I know you remember that we dated and that I lied.

Since coming back I've been almost bored out of my mind. I've lost so much weight, but also my whole appetite? I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like everyone keeps thinking they're presenting me with opportunities to 'come back' and I keep missing or not taking them. And somehow, through all this weirdness, the weirdest thing is that I've felt you here the whole time. Everything seems to come back to the semester we met. And it's my own fault, it's the things I did that made it this way, but it makes me think of you and it's like you're here.

I guess that's why I can't talk to Zach about this. If Zach was talking to me that is. Anyway, I realized I don't really have much to say about you, rather, things I want to say to you. Um, so, I guess, that's what this is.

I must have lied straight to your face twenty times a day. And like how can you lie that much to someone while still thinking you love them? While wanting them to believe that you love them? I get so mad at Zach for withholding things from me and lying to me. And he's doing that for things far more serious than I was. He'll do it if he thinks it'll keep me safe; even if it makes me hate him a little bit. The stakes are high. What was I lying to you for? Fun? Like scratching an itch. Like you were my little strange addiction.

And you still tried to stay after you found out I lied. Sure, you wanted me to explain and I lied some more, but then you followed me anyway. On a forklift. Against what you thought were kidnappers. I guess highly trained operatives are actually worse than run of the mill kidnappers. Although the kidnappers being run of the mill is really an assumption and what would it even mean to be a run of the mill kidnapper? It's not like that's a serious profession. Unless it is

I don't know, Josh. I've always done the on my own thing. My instinct is to isolate myself. It's why I'm called the chameleon, not that you knew that about me. And there you were, showing me, at the end but also throughout our relationship, that you would have stood by me and I just- couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to not hide from you, too. In my defense, clearly I wouldn't have been able to tell you much since you did end up having your memory wiped. But we never really had a chance. And that's kind of on me.

I'm sorry. I'm sure it feels like I played with your feelings. And maybe I did. I wish you knew that was never my intention. 

We were too different if you look at the larger picture. But if you looked at just Josh and Cammie, I don't think we were half bad. I wish we'd had a chance. A real chance. I'm glad that you and I happened and I wish you knew I do regret how I handled it. I'd hope you could forgive me, if you ever got to know all this. Because I bet you resent me. I would. It wasn't really your style, but no one is perfect. I'd resent me, resent all of it, so it's not like I could blame you. But maybe someday we could look back on what happened and agree maybe we weren't terrible. Maybe we were just fifteen.

I'm not saying any of this as an excuse. I promise I haven't forgotten my fault in all of this. And I mean look at me now. I'm alone, sitting here, in what is supposed to be my home with my best friends and my boyfriend and I'm writing a letter to my ex boyfriend that no one is ever gonna see but me. And I don't blame them either, not really. Since you I've messed up with a lot of people in my life. All of my self-control kind of got difficult I guess. 

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I know and I'm sorry. Josh, you're the worst of my crimes. They all started with you and you were completely innocent. You fell hard for a girl you thought you knew and I wasn't even her. And then you saw me with Zach and I'm sure it felt so weird. Like a punch to the gut in the form of me just waving a new guy around like 'good riddance!'.

I never was the best to you. I'm sorry.

Hi friend! I have quite a few!

@maceyjanemchenry

@averagejoesolomon

@incorrectgallaghergirlsquotes

@doodle-do-wop