ENDURE OR DIE TRYING

not having access to the messages is distorting your memory. i literally agreed to do the things you asked me to do. i said i was willing to try. when i later did what we had discussed after the first time you blocked me, which is stopping the conversation when one of us gets upset, you checked in later, which was fine of you to do. i immediately tried to apply the boundaries you had been setting. i tried not to give you too much information, which you'd been telling me to do for days. i did not rely on you for emotional support, which you had just asked me to do. it backfired horribly for reasons i still don't understand. i was trying to do what you wanted and i got it horrifically wrong somehow. i don't understand why you seem to think i'm lying about that.

as far as me thinking they were manipulating you, i accept i may be wrong about that. paranoid schizophrenia. i had the same beliefs about you manipulating them christmas weekend. i can talk about how that belief formed but i don't see the point.

i have been honestly and earnestly learning and implementing the things you've told me to do the whole time we've been together and it seems to have gone completely unnoticed and unappreciated. i didn't understand during that conversation that you were talking about things YOU needed because you kept phrasing it as though it's what was best for me and "for us". that's why you got that resistance, which was me telling you why what you were talking about wasn't what was best For Me, because i didn't understand you were secretly talking about what was best For You. in the times you've expressed your boundaries in a way i understood, i've consistently respected and reinforced them - see me telling you not to come over. you also didn't ever link it to your mental health deteriorating, so i didn't make that connection.

i have demonstrably very poor reading comprehension, as should be very strongly proved by literally all of this, but especially how badly i misunderstood what you were asking from me in the first place when i told you i thought you meant only talking once every few days and also how i clearly wasn't picking up on how what you were saying was related to what you had said in other conversations. for you to blow up at me when i pointed out that i literally couldn't do what you were asking me to do is not okay. it's not the first time you've done it.

my therapist didn't say i wasn't ready or it wasn't the right time to pursue a relationship. what she said was much closer to the opposite: the things i was expressing as wants are actually things i NEED in a relationship to be stable and fulfilled, and since you had been saying you wanted to give those things to me, it shouldn't have been an issue to make the small jump to committing to acting accordingly. neither she nor i foresaw that conversation going the way it did.

i am not and have never acted malicious or vindictive towards you. i did that once to seb while they and i were together and i apologised immediately. i'm still just trying to do what you told me. even me reaching out after you blocked me is something you very explicitly told me you wanted me to do.