bluetypes

I'm fucking done.

I believed in you for so long

Like a cult follower

I'll never do that again

Like removing poison from a wound

i'll not let you ruin me,

You're all dead to me now

After the way you left me

No goodbyes

Just an empty promise of a call

I got a week later

To say we're not even friends

 So I’m doing this without you

Another You,

dreams lost at sea

chaotic visions

eyes stare straight forward

i'm removed from my body

incapable of connection

nothing ever changes

year after year,

Any tips or advice for mental health while in lockdown living alone?

Here's some background info:

People in my life are very distant

And I only regularly call with one friend

And talk to my cousin about once a week, sometimes once a fortnight.

I rarely hear from other family members and even then by text.

I have started cleaning and throwing out my ten year old hoard.

But find it difficult to finish cleanout projects, takes a few days.. maybe this is what happens when you do deep cleaning?

Would love suggestions on any activity that doesn't involve watching YouTube..

Again,

I am trapped to the bed

Again,

My soul has wounds to heal

Again,

I feel nothing - not even sadness

I spend all week

Holding out for the weekend

Only to dread doing anything productive

I'm completely drained out

I'm not even myself

Noone checks up on me

I don't even check on myself..

Literally anything could happen,

and I'd hardly respond

Literally anything could happen,

and I would not care.

Again,

I've become a bystander in my own life

I insist that meeting with my mother recently had "no effects" and yet

- I have been numb and depressed since early April

- I have finally discovered a bunch of repressed memories

- She controlled my "adult freedoms" twice in my life, completely manipulating me so she could be overly present in my life.

- she condemned my brother's long term relationship

- she condemned my brother's first child and wife.

- she also condemned any of my long term relationships

- she said she enjoyed keeping her children away from their friends, their goals and their lives.

but NO, I'm totally misunderstanding

I'm young, I'm entitled

I'm confused, I'm incompetent

I'm dramatic, I'm wrong

I'm fucking wrong.

Are these people even serious?

If I'm in contact with my mother any longer, I cannot be held accountable for any of my actions.

I have tried to do the reasonable thing and cut ties. It is not my fault if she doesn't understand boundaries.

It is not my fault if her version of love is covert manipulation, - and legitimately being happy that I was shadow and not a real person.

My self image pays dearly

I'll do anything.. at any cost

To prove there's external damage

Skin reddening, breaking, bleeding

still I cannot stop..

The hardest scars we heal from;

Are the ones noone sees

Are the ones we silence

sometimes I consider getting back in contact with my mother

sometimes I think it's a good idea

then I remember every time

she let me down

she straight out lied about critical information

she didn't listen or would silence me

she manipulated me to make harmful decisions

jeopardized my ability to leave her control

accepted a gift on my behalf from my mother (abuser) last year.. without my consent or knowledge

I had told her the story of how bad my relationship was with my mother

i told her in no uncertain terms

I didn't want to know or see my mother.

Just a few weeks back I told her my mother was back in town

She asked me why I was telling her?!

And now she and her husband has just met with my mother (abuser) and posted pics on social media..

10 years ago..

In my darkest state

on my darkest day

I got back up

I walked 450 metres.

That 450 metres seems so insigficant right?

Wrong.

Even when I had nothing left to fight for

Even when I could not go 'home'

Even when noone was fighting for me.

Even when I had no 'family'

19 year old me was never the villain

She is the hero.

Her legacy is fighting back.

She lay stagnant for these ten years

Processing terror and blood traumas