Short, dumb, crackfic based off this post
Summary: the Justice League plays FMK as a team-building exercise. Batman joins them for the first time and finds out a little more than he wanted to about their opinions of certain Billionaires.
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Later that day, Bruce wouldn't be able to say what possessed him to join them.
Usually, he's not really one to play silly team-building downtime games with the other members of the Justice League. He's generally too busy working overtime to manage his double life, family, and make up for his lack of powers to stay ahead of the other Heroes and maintain his place as their leader and strategist.
Maybe he felt he needed a break, maybe he just wasn't looking forward to going home and dealing with Jason's teen angst right away.
Whatever the reason, when Superman politely invited him to join them as he always does, he didn't turn it down for once.
The other league members are varying degrees of surprised and excited when he shrugs, says "sure, why not," and takes a seat at one of the chairs on the edge of the group's mostly-circular formation.
Flash breaks the news to him first: "we're playing Fuck Marry Kill, do you know how it works, bats?"
He almost rolls his eyes. "Yes, I was a teenager too, once."
The dry statement draws some laughter from Diana and Clark, and the group eases up.
"Let's get back to it, then," Lantern claps, grinning. "New round?"
There's a general consensus of agreement, and the green-clad hero claps again. "Great, let's do billionaires; Bezos, Luthor, or Wayne."
"Hell yeah," Flash cheers, "I got this one, easy. Kill Luthor, obviously. Marry Bezos for the money, But I'm definitely cucking him for hotboi heartthrob Wayne, I mean, is there any other option?"
"Of course!" Aquaman is quick to interject, looking almost offended. "Wayne deserves better than being a mistress. He's kind, he's a family man, he donates so much to charity and does so much to help his city... I'd Marry him before any other!"
Bruce can't have heard that right. His brain is stalling in a way it hasn't since... well, maybe the last time one of his kids got into serious trouble. Probably not since Jason crashed the batmobile and broke an arm.
Why are they so sure about this? He's pretty sure he never played a game of FMK that had answers given with such little hesitation. Aren't they supposed to be embarrassed? At least a little bit?
He sure is, and he hasn't even gone yet. He's just glad that his cowl covers most of his face, because he's sure he looks more than a little red-cheeked and dumbstruck right now.
Definitely not what he was expecting.
Superman sighs, shaking his head. "This again?"
Oh good, a voice of reason.
"You two argue over this every time," the kryptonian continues. "We get it, everyone here is horny for Bruce Wayne."
"Yeah, but we don't know Batman's opinion on his resident billionaire yet," Flash argues, "it's a rite of passage, I gotta know."
It takes a second before Bruce realizes that the speedster is looking at him expectantly. He blinks, rushes to collect himself, and speaks in an admirably even tone. "I gotta think about it."
"Aw, alright," Flash pouts, sitting back down. "You can go last then. Since you're new and all."
This time, Bruce does roll his eyes.
He's tempted to just pretend he got a message and needs to leave so he doesn't have to hear all this, but he knows Superman will call him out on it. And, well.
He is a little morbidly curious.
So he stays, and listens.
Bruce is fully aware that he's a celebrity, and that he's featured regularly in magazines. He knows he's attractive, and he knows that many people speculate about whether he'll find a partner soon, as a wealthy, handsome, very eligible bachelor.
However, it's an entirely different thing to know all that, and then to hear his fellow Justice League Members casually discuss exactly how much they want a piece of his ass.
He learns that Clark wants to fuck him to Kansas and back (and wants to kill bozos and Marry Lex, because he "can fix him", or so he says.)
Aquaman wants to marry him and make love to him in ways Bruce hadn't even conceived of before. (He chose to kill Lex and fuck Bezos, and didn't give even a tenth of the explanationfor either that he gave for his choice to marry Bruce.)
Flash waxes more poetic about Bruce's ass, regularly interrupting others and being tolerated for it because apparently most of the grouo agrees.
Diana chooses to marry him, fuck Lex, and kill Bezos. She doesn't elaborate, thankfully.
Lantern is in full agreement with Flash, which is perhaps the only time Bruce has ever witnessed them go back and forth on something without bickering the whole while.
Martian Manhunter, like Diana, doesn't seem inclined to elaborate as he says he would Fuck Wayne, Marry Bezos, and Kill Lex.
This continues for far longer than Bruce is really comfortable with before it gets back around to his turn. Yet, he's just about glued to his seat, unable to tear himself away from such a surreal experience.
When Superman finally turns back to him expectantly, after everyone else has said their piece, he still isn't quite sure what to do.
"Alright, Batman. Your turn, you've had plenty of time to think."
After a long moment of hesitation, he decides... fuck it. He knows everyone else's secret identities. It's only fair.
And really, he can't think of a better time for it than right now.
"I guess I'd Fuck Lex, Marry Bezos, and then Kill myself."
Flash groans. "That's not how the game works, Bats."
This time, he does let out a small, hysterical snort. "I'm pretty sure it is," he disagrees, then pulls his mask back and off his head.
At least one person screams, and it vaguely sounds like "Nofuckingway!"
Someone else just faints on the spot.
Superman just lets out a quiet "Oh no."
Aquaman's face has turned a shade of red that Bruce didn't know he was capable of.
He's sure his own face isn't really any better.
He coughs. "Anyways," he stands, pulling his cowl back up. "Maybe I should leave these games to the rest of you. I'm going to pretend I didn't hear any of this. Now, goodnight, I have to go make sure my kids eat something."
Then he turns, leaves, and doesn't look back.
Later that evening he enters his estate and is immediately greeted by Dick, apparently visiting from his own apartment. His first adoptive son is usually unannounced nowadays, but always welcome.
He must instantly sense that Bruce's mood is off, because he skips right past asking how his mission went.
Bruce debates the merits of answering honestly. He doesn't really like hiding things from his family, but also he hasn't quite sorted out how to feel about this, and it's not his kids' job to play therapist for him.
Still, Dick doesn't like to be treated like a kid, so Bruce opts to give him a truthful, if vague answer. "I think I might need to have the Justice League take Sexual Harrasment training."
The younger vigilante's eyes go wide. "What? But they're heroes? I've only ever seen them be respectful to Wonder Woman and Canary. Starfire's never said anything to me either, and I know she's worked with a bunch of them."
Bruce shakes his head, "do you really want to know, Dick? Or do you want to go have dinner in peace?"
"I warned you," he sighs. "They were playing Fuck Marry Kill. With Lex, Bezos, and Me. Or well, Bruce Wayne. Not one of them chose to kill me, and they went into... more detail than I'm comfortable with telling you about."
There's a beat of silence.
Then, Dick starts laughing. Hard.
Bruce scowls, waiting it out.
"Oh come on, you expect me to find out that the whole Justice League wants to fuck or Marry you and I'm not supposed to think it's hilarious?"
"It wasn't that funny," Bruce sighs, but can't help a smile tugging at his lips. It is pretty ridiculous, in hindsight.
Dick just snorts again. "You don't think anything funny, Bruce." He pauses, "but I mean, if you're really upset about it, I'll cut it out."
Bruce shakes his head. "I don't think I am. Just thrown off. I wasn't expecting any of that, but they couldn't have known my identity." He pauses. "I'm mostly wondering if I made a mistake by telling them."
"In hindsight, maybe it wasn't my most well-thought out decision. But," Bruce lets a smile creep onto his face, "you should have seen the looks on their faces."
"I'll bet," Dick whistles. "So can I tell Starfire who I am now?"
"That's up to you," Bruce starts to answer, then stops talking as he hears the telltale whoosh of Superman's flight as the kryptonian sails out of the sky and lands by them.
Wonderful. Superman paying Bruce Wayne a visit definitely isn't going to cause him a media headache later.
"Batm-- uh, Bruce. Mr Wayne?" The superhero greets him, obviously still wrong-footed from earlier.
"Just Bruce is fine," he answers evenly.
"I'm Dick," his adopted son/mentee greets cheerfully. "What should I call you? Supes? Or are you aiming for step-dad?"
The way Clark's face turns beet red and he rubs the back of his neck instantly makes Bruce glad he told Dick. What other kid isn't afraid to make fun of the man of steel?
"Uh." Superman stumbles a little over his words. "Actually, I came to apologize about that. I hope you know we didn't have any idea, but that doesn't excuse it anyways. I can't imagine how uncomfortable we made you, Bruce, and I'm sorry."
His sincerity is easily believable, and Bruce wasn't really mad at him to begin with. "Apology unnecessary, but accepted," he starts. "I'm a celebrity, it comes with the territory. Believe me when I say I've seen worse published about me. You're fine, let's just forget it happened."
Clark looks abundantly relieved. "Oh, good. Yeah, you got it. But, just, if there's anything you need, give me a holler, okay? I can be here in a snap."
And then he's gone, as quick as he came.
Bruce has no idea whether the offer of help is out of guilt or his crush, but either way he makes a mental note that Superman is keeping an ear out for him. It'll probably be useful to call in a favor sooner or later.
"Does he know you're Bi?" Dick asks as soon as Superman can no longer be seen on the horizon. "He's way into you."
Bruce shakes his head. "That's enough, Dick. It's time for dinner, I'm starving."
The younger vigilante snickers, but doesn't argue any further as they head into the mansion to join the rest of their family.
All in all, not a terrible day for the Batfam and the Justice League.
