The Petunia Violet

The core conceit of Lord of the Rings is pretty funny. You are a twenty three year old in a suburb of Maine. The little bracelet in your grandpa’s attic has an inscription on it that is the password to the world’s entire nuclear arsenal. It is up to you to walk to the only hydraulic press in the world, located in Arizona, before the FBI finds the bracelet, kills you, and enslaves the suburb of Maine you currently live in

Also the 90-year old hobo that your grandpa beat in a rap battle for possession of the bracelet while hiding from the Romanian secret police really loved the bracelet because it was coated in small amounts of LSD and tried to hunt and kill your grandpa to get it back. He was then apprehended by the FBI and instantly gave them your grandpa’s address. Seal Team Six is about to break down your door and shoot you, says your local congressman who can also do cool magic tricks

There's a guy in NY who MIGHT be capable of destroying the codes but won't coz he simply wants to spend time with his wife. So it's up to your grandpa's old friend in rural Ohio to get you the friends capable of finishing the task.

And we must not, at any point, remember the existence of aircraft and ask aloud why we can't just fly to Arizona

We can't use aircraft because the fbi has access to all the flight data how many times do we need to go over this

Also good for artists drawing with pencils/on a tablet/with a pen!

Also good for writers

And crocheters (that word looks wrong)

Say hookers coward

Movement nudge! More hands!

@bookoramaenderteeth us

It is so unsettling that Obama has killed thousands via drones covered up that children were being killed and families were wiped out and relatives have to live with the fact theyll never get justice and now I have to see people repost his reading list every year. Liberals would be horrified if Putin did something like that but when its Obama or Bush or Clinton they just dont care

I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I - the alphabet as seen from the side

I’m going to do it. I’m going to hand it in.

@sidereanuncia it’s back, the post that I can only imagine haunts your nightmares 

There’s no evidence that Middle Earth curves.

So wait, the reason he can see that far is because Elves just have the ability to ignore the curve of the earth? That’s awesome. It also means that no matter how good your optics got, you would always want elf eyes manning the spyglass because they can see arbitrarily far while everybody else is limited by this ‘horizon’ bullshit.

Oh thank God, my poor elf prince has seen too much in this post

Elves are flat-earthers

This post went from amusing to horrifying, to be brought back down to amusing, sprinkled in with some cannon explanation, and then you leave me here in fucking outrage

This post really was a rollercoaster.

for elves it was a straight line

@whyoneartheven

I thought he was an armadillo.