I like things

Last year I recovered repressed memories of being sexually abused when I was 8 years old… My abuser told me if I told anyone, my parents would be taken away and I believed him so I kept it to myself but even after I repressed the memory of what he did to me, I internalized that fear of talking about things that were bothering me. I never opened up about my problems in school, my anxiety, nothing. I bottled it all up and now I’m 26 and I can’t get/hold a job because of severe anxiety and social anxiety and still rely heavily on my parents for allot of things

I also have vaginismus as a result of the sexual abuse which, if you don’t know what that is, is a medical condition that causes involuntary muscles spasms in the vagina which prevent any kind of penetration, so sex is off the table but more importantly I also can’t get smear tests/pelvic exams either which gives me anxiety because I NEED to be able to get those things done for the sake of my health.

Sometimes I have mini panic attacks thinking about how I could one day die of something that would have been treatable had it been found early on but I hadn’t gotten an exam done because of the fact that a fucking monster decided to rape a child!

I’ve suffered anxiety and depression since I was a teenager, I dropped out of high school due to a combination of those two things and the fact that I was struggling allot with my school work and none of the teachers ever seemed to notice that I clearly had learning problems. I’m certain I have some kind of learning disability, my moneys on ADHD, though I don’t know for sure since I haven’t gotten a diagnosis yet. Whatever it is, it is still impacting me now as an adult. I want to go back to school but unless I get diagnosed and properly treated for whatever is causing me to struggle so much with learning, I won’t be able to.

I kept all of this to myself for over a decade, and have only in the last year started actually seeking help. I self harmed regularly from the ages of 16 to about 22 and even now I still get the urge sometimes. There was a long period of time where I really believed I would commit suicide eventually. I didn’t know when or how, I just knew that suicide was in my future. I never opened up about it or reached out for help, I just kept it to myself, wallowed in self pity and blamed myself for being fucked up in the head for seemingly no reason.

It was only last year when I remembered what happened to me that I realized this whole time, it was that piece of shit who did this to me. I wasn’t just “naturally” fucked up, he did it to me. Now that I know it’s not my fault, I no longer feel that self hatred or hopelessness. I no longer feel like just waiting around until I feel ready to commit suicide, now I actually WANT help.

I had my first session with a therapist who only charges $50 per session but unfortunately she doesn’t specialize in the things I need help with and suggested I find a specialist which I can’t afford.

I need to be able to pay for therapy sessions for my anxiety and depression, a specialist for sexual trauma + additional treatment for vaginismus which on top of regular therapy sessions also includes pelvic floor therapy and dilators, and I also need to pay for medication…

I really need help..

I hate that I have to ask for money online, I hate that I have to talk about this stuff, I even hate that I had to put my name in the link above, I would never do any of this if there were any other alternative but there isn’t.