hallowed be thy name

for a little while, it's good. everything's perfect. neil took everything she gave him and more, then let her pick the colours to paint the kitchen of the small house they brought, just on the outskirts of town.

she only hunts now when she's the only one in town to do it, and neil always leads the job. he gets right into the research, then throws himself into killing the monster. it made her flinch, how calm he became about it, how quick he adapted. she tried to slow him down, tell him that not all supernatural beings were monsters; some were peaceful, wanting to live amongst the humans without fuss, completely innocent. he usually ignored her when she tried explaining that, shutting her up by spouting off some bullshit about how all animals were the same. something to be put down, no matter how innocent they seemed.

she done her best to do the bulk of the research after that, making sure to feed him just what he needed to know, and keep out everything he didn't.

he didn't need to know about the pack of wolves four hours away, because they were seven generations deep, and one accidental kill from a newcomer didn't need to sentence them all to death when they'd survived for so long without incident. he doesn't need to know about the pod of mermaids just off the coast, because as far as she was concerned, they hadn't done anything that didn't need doing.

she sinks her heels into the real world and gets herself a part time job, lets neil go on more and more hunts, and soaks herself into civilian life.

finds out she's expecting on a gloomy day in september, and billy arrives on the sunniest day of march.

she's loved him from the moment she found out about him, and now she can hold him in her arms, it feels like she's carrying her heart outside of her chest.

she shelters him as best as she can, setting down the ground rules long before he came into the world that he was to never know about monsters, and hunting, and killing. she was never going to raise him to feel blood on his hands, never going to make him carry that burden. maybe one day she would explain everything to him, the bad and the good, and let him decide for himself what he wanted to do with that information, but fuck, she was gonna let him be a kid first.

neil agrees, which surprises her. it's what she wants to hear though, and she's gotten so good at just listening to that these days and never questioning anything further, that she doesn't push it. knows if she examines things too closely, she might find something she doesn't like.

so, neil agrees, no fuss, and she moves on.

she's living the dream.

it doesn't take long for neil to twist his words, though, once billy's old enough to move.

he starts by casually leaving weapons around the house, getting billy familiar. she loses her shit with him the first time she finds a 10 month old billy crawling for a knife. neil calms her down and placates her with some line about how it's safer this way. that they can hide the monsters in the dark from him, but not their jobs. that billy's going to stumble across their shit sooner or later, and hiding it will only make it worse in the long run. she concedes eventually, even though she doesn't agree with it, and then slowly but steadily, neil leaves more and more weapons around the house.

as the years go by, she watches billy grow. watches him become curious about the things his dad tells him and shows him, and the way he turns to her after every time, eyes wide and scared like he needs to her to confirm it, because surely it can't be real. feels her heart break every time she gives him a watery smile, because she can't lie to him, but he was never meant to know. he was meant to grow up safe. to have a childhood.

a real childhood.

promises herself that he's going to be okay, because she's there to make sure neil never goes too far, and that she's doing everything right.

when neil teaches him about weapons, she tells herself that everyone knows about weapons, that they're not isolated to monster hunters only. when neil tells him tales about creatures of the night, and then creatures of the day, she tells herself that all kids get put to bed with fairytales. the tales billy gets told are just a little more factual and a little more real, sure, but all kids believe in the tooth fairy and santa, billy just also believes in werewolves. when neil starts trying to roughhouse around with him; she lies to herself, telling herself that boys will be boys, and all kids like to run around and fight. refuses to look at how most dads don't do serious damage or have their child end up in tears, begging for it to stop, their father yelling at them to toughen up, that they need to learn. tells herself that neil would never actually go too far.

instead, she takes the opportunity to teach billy the good things too, like how if he goes to the beach that she takes him to for his birthday every year, and he swims out to the rocks directly out to the south, that there's some lovely mermaids hanging about, and they'll keep him safe and keep him company if he ever needs it. or about how she stayed at a motel once when she was sixteen, having read stories about it being haunted by a terrifying ghost, only to meet the ghost and find she was just lost and scared, begging for anyone to help. how they worked together, her spending day after day researching, trying to find out why the ghost was stuck there, only to get back to the motel late after dark, the ghost turning the lights on for her and having the kettle on, tv on her favourite channel. or about the one time she swears she met an angel, even though her parents and every hunter she's ever spoken to denies their existence. tells him she knows angels are real, and that she was saved by one. that if billy ever needed help, if he ever needed saving, and she wasn't there for some reason, to pray.

billy soaks it all in, clinging to her stories over his fathers. gravitates to her the bigger he gets; her doing everything to keep him close. neil watches on and doubles down on his efforts to keep billy in line, to raise him right.

she ignores him and buries her head in the sand, until suddenly she can't anymore.

neil comes home from a hunt one sunday night, smelling of smoke and blood, clothes dirty. complains about the blood sucking vamps nest that needed to be eradicated. how they went down fighting, but he got them all in the end.

except, he didn't, and one lone vamp follows him home.

she doesn't know why billy was even awake at that time, maybe it was the noise, or the way neil yelled, the way she screamed. it doesn't matter. just knows there was something in her home, the place she built to keep her and her baby safe, and it was out for blood.

and then billy was there, all of five years old, tears streaming down his face and looking distraught, with a knife in his hand dripping dead man's blood, and then it was dripping with vampire blood, too.

neil shook off the anger that rose, initially claiming he didn't need to be rescued, that he was handling the situation perfectly fine, before switching gears and telling billy how proud he was. that he done everything just like neil taught him. that he was a little hero for killing the monster.

billy just cried harder, burying himself in her arms.

she couldn't ignore it anymore, couldn't pretend that this was anything like the life she dreamed for herself. neil had chipped away at it day by day until it was barely recognisable, her baby a terrified and anxiety ridden mess, and her not much better.

she knows she needs to leave, to get them both out, just doesn't quite know how. manages to form a loose plan over various nights of no sleep and days of no rest.

she's so close to getting away, ready to take billy and leave everything behind. just needs a last little push. she’s fucking terrified it won't work, that she's crazy for even trying to leave. no one leaves the hunting life unscathed, let alone leaves a marriage to a man obsessed. no one walks out of those and survives. so, she puts off leaving week after week, because every day that goes by without incident is another day she can comfort herself with the fact that nothing bad’s happened, and she can use it as a excuse to stay. a reason to hold onto the illusion of safety for just a day longer.

thinks, when it's all about to be over–she should've just fucking left.]

it's a djinn that gets her in the end.

it doesn't kill her, barely even harms her. just shows her a world where everything's right. a world where it's just her and billy, living happily and peacefully; no hunting, no pain, and no neil. a world where they take their daily walks to the beach, and billy's smile is brighter than the sun, his laugh contagious, and she's happy. happier than she ever realised she could be.

so when neil rescues her, untying her hands and brushing the hair out of her eyes, all she can do is look for billy. she finds him straight away, her eyes zeroing in on him standing just behind his father, silver knife dripping with more than just animal blood, and he's clutching it in his shaking hands, looking up at her with wide, terrified eyes.

she exhales out then collapses forward, choking on a sob and shoving neil out of the way to grab at him, and billy lets the knife clutter to the ground to rush to her, running straight into her open arms.

"it's okay. it's okay, baby," she murmurs into his ear, one hand shakily running down his back, the other buried in his hair. "we're okay. i'm okay. you're gonna be okay, i promise, baby."

billy buries his face into her neck and cries, and she holds him tighter, keeping up the stream of reassurances as she does.

neil watches on and waits for her to look at him–to cry for him–and she doesn't even spare him a glance. he stands there a little longer, listening to them weep, then eventually moves away to give the perimeter another check. by the time he returns, they're still clutching at each other, so he pulls them up and pushes them to the car and drives them home, casting them looks in the rear view mirror the entire trip.

the next few days are tense. he waits for her to talk to him, or even just acknowledge him, maybe even tell him what she saw when she was strung up and drugged out, but all she does is shake her head and tell him she doesn't remember, and refuses to let billy out of her sight. she makes billy sit at the kitchen table whenever she cooks, and holds his hand the one time they leave the house to check the mail, even falling asleep in his bed when she tucks him and says good night the first two nights.

neil waits around billy's door on the fourth night, hiding just out of sight, and listens to their bedtime routine. hears his wife read a story, then a second one, then cave and read a third, before she sings him her favourite song. he listens as billy finally settles, and thinks, she'll be out any minute, and he'll make her talk. get to the bottom of why she hasn't looked him in the eye since he saved her.

she doesn't come out, instead she starts talking again, so softly neil can barely hear, but he takes a step closer, then another step, until he's as close as he can be without being found, and if he holds his breath, he can just make out what shes saying.

"i'm gonna get us out of here, okay, sweetheart, i promise you. it's just gonna be me and you."

"just you and me?" billy murmurs back just as softly.

"just me and you. and we're gonna be so so happy, baby. no more monsters, no more blood, or knives, or hunting. just us, and the beach, and the sun, and so much ice-cream."

neil hears the way her voice goes fake serious at the end, the way billy giggles and she laughs, before the bed creaks and they settle again.

"no dad?" billy questions quietly after a minute.

neil listens to the silence that hangs in the air at the question, waiting for her response, but whatever she says gets lost in the space between them, because he never hears the answer.

he hears billy, though.

"just me and you," he says, sounding like he's repeating what he's hearing, almost completely asleep.

"yeah, baby. just me and you."

neil stands in the hallway for a minute longer, then quietly slips away, grabbing himself a drink from the bottle in the cupboard and making himself at home in his chair, drinking himself to sleep. he'll deal with this mess tomorrow.

the next morning, he wakes up to his wife making breakfast in the kitchen, billy drawing at the table, and a coffee ready and waiting for him.

he takes the coffee cautiously and watches the way she smiles at him, looking straight through him, never meeting his stare.

realises she hasn't looked at him once since the moment he untied her.

later that night, while billy's showering and she's getting dinner together, he confronts her.

"what did you see?" he asks, coming up behind her.

she jumps, not having heard him with her head a million miles away, and turns to him as her heart calms down.

"shit, neil, make some noise next time," she says, smiling weakly with a hand resting over her chest.

neil comes up to lean against the bench beside her, reaching out a hand to touch her arm softly.

"the djinn, what'd it show you?" he asks calmly.

her smile turns shaky, and she turns back to continue dinner.

"i don't remember, it's–" she stops, letting out a nervous laugh, "it's all a blur, mostly."

he strokes his hand down her arm softly, and watches as she flinches away.

"surely you remember something."

"i– i remember billy," she starts, then finally turns to face him for the first time since the djinn took her, "and i remember the beach," her eyes turn glassy as a smile stretches over her face. "he caught a wave, and it was seven feet, and he was so proud of himself."

billy chooses that moment to walk into the kitchen, slowly looking between them, at his dad's hand still resting on his mom's arm, and the way her eyes are holding back tears. he slowly inches towards her, looking warily at neil the entire time, and neil watches as she laughs wetly and pulls him in close to her side and ruffles his wet hair, before leaning down and cupping his face, telling him to go get a towel and dry it properly. watches as billy pulls a face and grumbles but walks off back in the direction of the bathroom, complaining the whole time.

"dinner's almost ready," she says, turning back to him, looking at a point just over his shoulder, and neil can't believe she's just going to walk away from him, and take his son away from him, too.

"so, what's the big plan?" he questions, feeling the anger slowly start to take over. he saved her. not just from the djinn, but from everything. from her parents, her childhood, her life. he made all her dreams come true, gave her everything she asked, even the shit he didn't care about, and now–she spends two days with a djinn, and suddenly it's not good enough? suddenly she wants more?

"what plan?" she responds, stirring the pot of pasta and refusing to meet his eyes.

neil snatches her arm with the hand that was previously stroking it, clasping it tight and pulling her close.

"you're gonna leave, gonna take billy, huh? you think i'm stupid?"

she tries to wrangle her arm free but neil just grips tighter, billy walking back into the kitchen with his hair slightly more dry but still dripping a bit just in time to see.

"think you're both gonna be able to survive without me? without me saving your asses and keeping this family together?"

billy's stopped frozen on the spot, looking on with scared eyes and an open mouth.

"mom?" he says quietly, eyes moving between them both slowly.

neil watches as his wife quickly wipes away the few stray tears that leaked out before facing billy head on, pasting a smile on her face. "your hair's still wet, baby. go finish drying it, okay–"

neil cuts her off by tightening his hand and billy stays rooted to the spot.

"no, you know what i think, i think billy should be here for this conversation. if he's such a big kid, if he wants to be man of the house, then he's old enough to be apart of this."

"neil, please," she looks back to him, and neil can see how she's begging him to just let billy go. "this has nothing to do with him, please, neil."

"it has everything to do with him, don't fucking lie to yourself."

"mom?" billy repeats, finally braving taking a few steps closer.

"it's okay, honey, remember what i said? we're gonna be just fine, i promise," she says, reaching her free hand out to him, and billy takes that for the invitation it is and ducks under her arm, leaning into her side.

"so, what was the plan, then?" neil repeats, his emotions getting the better of him. "were you gonna kick me out, or were you just gonna leave in the middle of the night and let me wake up to nothing, to an empty house?"

he can picture it, too. can picture waking up to a cold bed, and no coffee waiting for him on the kitchen table, no child sized shoes left laying about in the hallway to trip him over. just himself and everything she claimed she needed to be happy, a kitchen with a big window and a wedding band on his finger, all rendered completely useless without her there to give them life.

his wife grimaces at his tone, curling billy into her side a bit tighter, before turning to look him right in the eye, spine straightening.

"i was going to send you on a hunt, and by the time you got back, we were going to be gone," her tone sounds defiant, no longer scared and weak, and neil thinks, this is the girl she was when he met her.

a bone to pick with everyone, just her against the entire world.

except now, it's her and billy against the entire world. against neil.

"so, you were just gonna walk right out the front door, huh? what, you think i couldn't find you? you think i wouldn't track you down?" he yanks on her arm to pull her in close, and she grunts and twists her arm free roughly, grabbing billy by the shoulders and stepping them both back.

"i'm the one who taught you how to track people down, i think i know how to fucking disappear," she spits, pushing billy behind her.

"you think you can just take my son away from me? a boy needs his father."

"he needs love, and to be cared for, and to grow up in a safe environment," she stresses, voice growing, "and he sure as hell doesn't need you for that."

"i am his father–"

"i don't give a fuck who you are, i told you i didn't want him raised in this life, i told you i didn't want him handling weapons and killing things, and you promised–you promised–"

"what did you want me to do, then? not teach him how to use a knife? cassidy, they followed me home, billy needed to know what to do incase it happened again!"

her eyes are bright and neil realises she's been holding this fight in for a long time. "he was five!"

"and he handled the knife perfectly!"

"you promised you would never take him on a hunt!"

"and i've never broken that promise!"

"then why the fuck was he there last week, huh?"

it takes neil a second to catch on, but when he does, he explodes. "you were missing–you were taken! you think i was just gonna leave him at the motel by himself?" he yells, moving in close to them and trapping them between him and the fridge. "of course i took him with me to find you, he begged to come!"

"and what's your excuse for letting him be the one to kill the djinn then, why's that blood on his hands? he's eight! he's had nightmares every single night since we got home!"

billy hides his face in his mom's back and tries his best to block the fight out as it carries on. tries to focus on the pinky promise his mom made him the night before, of how soon, it was just gonna be her and him. no more dad, no more monsters, no more fighting.

he feels the fight escalate in the air around him, the mood changing from electric to chilling, the whole world going still between one shout and the next. doesn't know what's happened until it's too late, and watches as his dad reaches for the knife on the chopping board just behind them. knows his dad's always been the kind of guy to use every trick in the book, to play dirty, but still didn't think he'd ever do this. not to his mom.

billy hears it first, before he feels it. remembers what the sound of a knife sinking into flesh sounds like, and suddenly it echoes again, like every single nightmare he's ever had, except this time, he's not asleep. he looks around for the djinn anyway, because it can't be anything else, except then his mom goes heavy, his arms still wrapped around her waist, and then she's stumbling to the ground.

his hands feel wet.

she turns over slowly as she reaches the floor, a red patch growing rapidly over her midsection, and she's shaking, grasping for his face as he looks down at her, his own tears dripping down, straight onto her own cheeks.

"mom? mom!"

"it's okay, it's okay, baby-it's okay. it's gonna be okay," she hiccups, brushing his hair out of his face. it paints her blood across his temple, and she wants to scream.

she spends her last moments being angry, and dies furious, looking at her husband who's standing just over her baby's shoulder, knife still in hand and dripping crimson, looking down on her like he barely even knows her. like she's just another animal to put down.

selfishly, in the worst way possible, she wants to take billy with her. thinks if she grips his hands strong enough, she can drag him to the other side too, that she can protect him forever.

who's going to protect him after i'm gone, she thinks, before the world dims around the edges, and her baby's face fades from her sight.

billy feels her go still, feels her heart stop under his head from where its laying on her chest, and feels his whole world fall out from under him along with it.

eventually, he looks up.

neil looks at him blankly, not the father and husband he promised to be, but the hunter he made himself into.

he tosses billy the knife and tells him to clean up the mess, then walks out of the kitchen.

billy doesn't move. instead, he lays over his mom's dead body for hours, losing himself in misery and grief, before finally going numb.

time must pass, because later, he blinks, and realises he has no idea how long it's been since his world changed forever. knows if he doesn't move soon though, his dad lose it again.

forcing himself up, he walks out into the yard and finds a shovel, and starts digging a grave under the massive tree that his mom loved. thinks, maybe she'll find happiness here, because it's where she always used to put out the picnic blanket and sit with him, singing under her breath and dishing out his favourite snacks.

it takes what feels like forever, but soon the hole is big enough to hold her, and it's time to drag her body out to the yard and bury her, and his hands are blistered and raw and bloody, his eyes still so blurry with tears he could barely see, but his mom is dead, so nothing actually matters anymore.

getting her out the backdoor and down the step is a challenge, and he spends more of his time apologising to her dead corpse than getting the job done, but since his dad's not watching over his work like a hawk like he usually is, he figures it's fine. his mom deserves every apology he can give her anyway.

reaching her future resting spot, he looks between the messed up hole he's dug, and her lying there in the dirt in her favourite white summer dress, covered in blood and dirt, and thinks: she'd be so mad if she could see what billy's done to her right now.

her dress is ruined.

the moon chooses that moment to catch the reflection of her necklace, and he quickly pulls it from her neck and shoves it in his pocket before promising her he'll keep it safe.

neil comes to stand behind him not long after he gets her outside, and after looking at the current mess his son has made, nods, as if to say good job, then looks at the hole a little deeper.

"did you get the knife?" he asks, turning back to him when he doesn't find it in the earth, and billy can feel the bile rise in his throat as he pulls it from his back pocket and throws it in the grave, before turning to look at his dad, feeling fucking sick.

they both stand there silently; billy hoping his dad will take over, and neil staying distant. eventually he does look over though, and that's when billy knows.

he won't.

it's billy's job to finish this now. this is his case.

looking at the grave again, he tries to figure out a delicate way to try and get his mom into it.

neil gives him another stare down as he tries to calculate his best options and he panics, quickly dropping to his knees and trying to shove her gently closer to the hole.

neil stands back and watches, refusing to help for any of it.

after another few pushes, his mother's body finally falls into the earth, and the sound of her body hitting the ground makes him dry heave.

his mom is dead. he's burying her dead body right now, in their backyard where she taught him how to ride a bike, and she'll never tuck him into bed again, or brush her fingers through his hair, or nag him to finish his homework. he screws his eyes shut when she lands awkwardly on her arm and her leg bends in at a weird angle, and tries to figure out how he can get down there to fix her. she doesn't deserve to be in pain. not anymore. he just wants her to not be suffering. he settles on the jumping down option, even if it means he might tread on her, but before he can, neil stops him with a hand on the shoulder, and nods to the pile of dirt instead, before heading inside.

billy looks down, and, feeling like he's in a movie, or a really bad fairytale, he picks up the shovel and starts piling the dirt back in. he gets a few shovels in before stopping, thinking she can't spend eternity like this, then quickly runs back inside. slowing down and sticking close to the walls once he's in, he tries to inconspicuously grab a few of her favourite things, things that he knows she loves, that he can't imagine her living without. he grabs the picture she carried in her wallet of the two of them, and the denim jacket she always wore. the perfume she sprayed every time they went out, and the book she never got to finish reading.

thinks, maybe she might like if they got to stay with her. maybe she could even find happiness, and forgive him for not saving her, if she got to keep them forever.

he throws them all in the ground, then picks up the shovel again.

the sun starts to rise between one shovel of dirt and the next, and then finally he's done, the earth full again.

picking some flowers from various pots his mom planted, grabbing all her favourites, he places them on top.

he sits and watches the sun finish rising, kneeling at her feet, then starts making his way inside. there's blood and dirt covering him like a second skin, layers of it peeling off his hands, and he thinks about how hard he's going to have to scrub his skin to get her off him, then thinks about how it's the last physical piece of her he has. thinks, if he scrubs her away, she'll be gone forever. he'll never touch a single part of her again.

he contemplates not showering at all, but before he can decide, he spots his dad waiting for him at the kitchen table and stops.

"you know, your prints are on that knife now. if anyone was to find out, it would all be on you."

billy already knows.

he killed his mom. if it weren't for him, her and dad wouldn't have been fighting. they could've been happy. she would've still been alive.

billy nods at him, the weight of the night settling in his shoulders in a way he knows will be unshakeable.

"i know."

gripping the necklace buried in his pocket, he does his best not to cry.

he goes and takes a shower.

they stick around town long enough for neil to weave some lies, covering up his wife's disappearance with tales of her walking out, heading back east and going home. he tells anyone that asks that her upbringing was hard, and she tried to leave it for a better life–a happier life–but in the end she couldn't adjust. it never fit her the way she dreamed it would. told people that he was billy's sole guardian now, with her going to try and find and better herself.

no one questions him, because she was always a bit odd. seemed to love her son more than life itself, but was never quite able to fit in amongst the other moms. she just didn't quite speak their language. she never spoke about her past, and would get tense whenever someone tried to ask, and, as far as the neighbours were concerned, billy was probably better off with neil. at least he'd raise him right.

neil and billy learn to co-exist.

billy floats between being numb and being terrified, with neil doing his best to prepare him for life on the road. he gets survival skill lessons, weapons training and fighting lessons, and gets taught how to properly research cases. the how to earn money quickly schemes that neil gives him are dicey at best, but the tighter their money gets, the riskier neil lets the lessons become, telling him if he wants food on the table and a roof over his head, there's always a price to pay.

billy stops fighting it when he realises none of it is optional, and instead just tries to cry himself to sleep a little quieter, so his dad won't hear him anymore.

"you need to toughen up," neil tells him one night, kicking him out of the house to sleep in the yard, claiming sometimes a motel won't be an option, that it'll be the car or the great outdoors only. "you'll end up just like your mother if you keep living in a fantasy."

walking over to her resting spot, he curls up on the dried up patch of earth and tries to scrub away the saltiness from his eyes. sniffling, he plays with the grass struggling to grow there, tearing apart a blade between his fingers. "is it my turn for a go of your jacket? it's cold, mama."

she doesn't answer, which hurts more than he can think about and makes his eyes wet all over again, but he scrubs a hand even harder over his face and curls up into an even tighter ball, and ignores the voice in his head that sounds exactly like her, telling him to find shelter and rug up, to break in to the house through the spare bedroom window and hide in the closet. dad will find me, he wants to yell back. he'll hear the window crack open then drag him right back out by his hair, because trying to get out of one of his lessons will just make the lesson even harder. he'll probably make him go outside without shoes or socks next time if he has to lock him out again.

the breeze gets stronger the longer he lies there, the wind building up into a proper gale force, and maybe if he was paying attention, he'd realise the way it seemed to circle around him, the weather seeming to take a turn in his backyard alone, but his eyes are too blurred and he feels empty, and nothing really matters anymore, now that he can't even steal his mum's jacket to keep warm.

it's not fair. she's had the jacket for months and she has six layers of earth and dirt to keep her warm. surely it's his turn now.

(her being there, trapped and stuck, doomed to watch her baby's heart break over and over and over, because her husband couldn't even give her a proper hunter's burial, forcing her to suffer even in death. doing everything she can to try reach him, to protect him, but she's just a baby ghost, and she has no strength and no power.

her too focused on wanting to pull billy into her arms and cradle him til he was safe, to bring him home, that she isn't aware of the control she's stumbled upon with the weather. the way she can take their joint grief and anger, and make a storm.)

months passing, and neil and billy hitting the road, travelling from state to state and slaying monsters. neil brings billy on most cases and tells him it's what'll make him a man, and that it's his only way to give back to the world.

tells him that there's the world that most people live in, where there's jobs and there's school and there's happiness, and where the scariest thing is poor health and heartbreak, and at a moments notice, it can all be taken away. and then there's the real world–their world– where nothing can get ripped away, because they know the truth. jobs and education and joy? they're all an illusion.

nothing can hurt them, because there's nothing left to hurt.

tells him that it might be hard now, and it might not have been what cassie wanted; but he knows better, and it's what they both deserve. to live in the real world.

spending month after month like that, heading from case to case, billy getting to know a side of his father he never knew. he knows what it feels like to break a bone, to have muscles tear. knows what it feels like to use a weapon on a crying teenager, begging for their life, and what it's like to pull the trigger on a monster, it baring it's teeth at him the entire time, then watching the life drain out of a breathing body. knows what it feels like to make his dad proud, and to make him mad. how to read the silence, and how to make himself small. small enough that his dad can't hurt him.

spends more time than he'll ever admit clutching his mom's necklace between his fingers, because every time he does, it brings him a moments peace, like she's there, running her hands through his hair.

(cassie's soul being attached to the necklace and being taken along for the ride, because billy doesn't go anywhere without it. knows it's dangerous, that the longer she's stuck here, the closer she'll get to losing whats left that makes her her. knows watching the things neil does to billy, the way he treats him, the things he makes him do, it's a miracle she hasn't went full vengeful spirit on his ass yet, but every time she can feel the rage taking over, there's something holding her back, like it knows the worst is yet to come. so, she holds back, and she sits in the back seat of the car in such a way that she can pretend billy's lying his head on her lap, jacket shoved under his head like a makeshift pillow, and cards a hand through his curls.)

somehow landing in california again, but still so far from home. neil saves a woman and her daughter from an angry spirit, the pair having just moved into a old apartment after finally being able to afford a two bedroom place after the mother left her husband over two years ago, and the mother showers neil with gratitude.

somehow, before billy even knows it, they're together, and he has a step-mother.

life changing again, and suddenly neil's doing everything he can to pretend to be the picture perfect husband for his new picture perfect family.

he has a wife and daughter now, both who think of him as a hero.

it's everything billy and cassie would never give him.

hunting and the supernatural are still apart of their life, but it gets put on the backburner for a few months while neil locks in his new family.

billy actually gets to stay in school long enough to learn his classmates names, to have guys want to eat lunch with him, and feels like he's living a double life. he's got the face he puts on around people, the face he has to wear around susan and max and for the teachers, and then there's the face he puts on in front of his dad. looking in the mirror most days, he has no idea who he is. just knows he used to feel so much, like every emotion he had was taking over his whole body, and now–he doesn't really feel anything at all, because feeling hurt, and it made him weak.

years pass, and while their time in california ends, the marriage doesn't.

susan and max mostly stay out of the hunting lifestyle. they're aware of it, of course, and they know the basics, susan knowing how to help out when it’s more than a two-man job or when neil wants better back up–translation: he's sick of billy's shit that week–but for the most part, they live a regular life. susan finds herself small part-time jobs whenever they land somewhere new, and max attends school whenever it's possible, even if she only gets to stay a few weeks.

neil throws himself back into hunting and drags billy straight back in with him. the small break they took so neil could lock susan in, show her that he was everything she would ever need in a husband, was necessary but five months too long. neil's been itching to get back in the game properly since the second he signed that lease on the house in san diego, and when he finally told susan that they were leaving, that he had a job to do–well. he didn't leave any room for arguments, and within a week, they were back on the road.

it's town after town after town after that, case after case. billy mostly homeschools, unless neil bothers to enrol him for a few weeks. it doesn't matter though, because billy's not here to make friends anyway. learnt a long time ago that it was him and his mom against the world, and then he put her in her grave, so now he's on his own.

billy's sixteen when neil catches wind of a case in hawkins, indiana. something about kid's going missing, and something about fucking magnets. also an old abandoned science lab. billy's not completely sure of the details, having tuned his dad out when neil started laying down the details, just knows the case landed on his dad's lap after being passed through from hunter to hunter, a few of which were more local to the area but already had their hands full, and now it was their problem.

neil enrolls him in hawkins high, which tells him that they're probably going to be here a while, and billy spends the first night in town unpacking, thinking maybe staying in one place long enough to set temporary roots down might be good, before instantly dismissing it. what good can come out of settling down in a town where kids die, and it fucking snows.

they move in on the sunday, and after susan sweet talks neil into letting them finish unpacking and recuperate on the monday, they start school on the tuesday. neil pulls billy aside and tells him to keep his ear to the ground, and to make friends. to get any information he can. billy thinks then, maybe he's not enrolled in school because they're going to be here a while, maybe neil just planted him there to get information.

by the end of day one of high school, he knows about steve harrington's fall from grace, he knows how to do tommy hagan's stupid bro-shake, he knows jason carver's a fucking prick, and he knows exactly where to go behind the school to meet with the local dealer.

neil asks for a report that night, and billy shrugs. "it's quiet so far, no one really trusts the new kid. i'll try again tomorrow."

neil watches him closely then slowly nods, leaving the room.

max takes it upon herself to make new friends the next day and billy's too busy dealing with that, coming home empty handed again, to even try and come up with something small to feed his dad. neil's face goes tight, and billy's body tenses on reflex, but neil just breathes out, and closes his eyes. he opens them again and takes a step forward, then another, billy taking a step back every time to match, and once he was backed up to the wall, neil leans in close, and tells him tomorrow's going to be different, because tomorrow billy's going to get some answers.

billy swallows. "yes, sir."

thursday comes and billy digs in. spent yesterday getting friendly with harrington on the court after hearing one of the missing kids last known location was his place, and gets nothing for his efforts. he gets tommy's devoted attention though, and after some shittalking in the school showers, billy spends the entire lunch period hearing secondhand everything that went down the night barb holland went missing, billy paying attention closely the moment he realised tommy was there as well.

he recounts the details back to his dad that night, and it seems like it's enough to satisfy him, neil doing nothing more than nodding his head and clapping him on the shoulder as he walks out of the kitchen.

friday doesn't bring any new information, which could be in part because he spends most of the day laying on the picnic table out the back of the school, eddie munson selling him some good shit and being terrible company. he has a theory or two about the missing kids though, which billy was smart enough to try and weave into the conversation, but after hearing his ideas, billy dismisses him. doesn't know why he thought the local dealer would have a fucking clue what was going on around town.

neil whisks susan off the next day, deciding to go shopping to get the last few things to make the house homey on their saturday off together. billy's left to deal with max, and after the week they've had, billy sticks to his weights, letting max do whatever the fuck she wants in her room.

he just about has a breakdown when he catches her boyfriend of three seconds come strolling up to their front door, but decides to hold back instead, lowing the volume on the tv slightly and trying to listen, after yelling at her to get the fucking door. it didn't take him long to figure out that sinclair happened to be the best friend of the other kid that went missing; the one who was declared dead, body being pulled from the quarry, only to turn up alive and fine just days later.

billy listens as he tells max that he'll tell her everything, the entire truth about what's been happening in this town, she just needs to meet him somewhere more private. thinks, that's not creepy as shit, trying to get her to a second location, and smirks to himself when max basically repeats that word for word straight to his face. he offers up his house, max instantly turning him down, then throws out the arcade. lucas takes a second to agree, eventually conceding that he knows the manager and he can get them somewhere quiet, and billy's torn between wanting to slam his head against a wall, and being thankful for finally catching a fucking break. kind of wants to tell max good job for not being a complete amateur about it, considering she has nowhere near the experience that him or neil have.

max does the oldest trick in the book and sneaks out the window, climbing onto the back on sinclairs bike, and billy grabs his skateboard because it's a hell of a lot less noticable than his camaro, and follows. he takes a different route than them, making sure they don't catch on to him following them, before sliding in the door of the arcade just ten minutes later, spotting the bike out the front. he has a quick look around before thinking they must be out back, and after getting the manager to fuck off, spinning some bullshit about looking out for his sister, he settles in against the wall and listens close.

a freakshow kid with powers, fucking alternate dimensions, monsters with names from a fucking boardgame, and actual kids running around trying to save the day. holy shit, how is this town still standing?

he listens as lucas wraps the story up, then smirks to himself as he hears max give him shit for it. 'risking your life' she says, and he can hear the airquotes from outside the door. billy know's she must just be fucking with him, 'cause after everything she's seen and heard, the reason they moved to this town in the first place, she must know it's not complete horseshit. still, it's easier to distance yourself, makes for an easier break off when you leave. he hears max start walking towards the door, listens to her throw back a 'story times over, isn't it?' at lucas, and quickly sidesteps further into the staff only area, max shoving the door open and breezing straight past him, none the wiser. watches as lucas chases her all the way outside, then eventually leaves, hopping on his bike and riding off.

billy heads out then, but not before stopping at the dig dug game, his eye catching on max's highscore at the top and smashing it. after he leaves, he makes his way home, trying to figure out all of the moving pieces and the new details, trying to understand it the way he knows, aka a way that's not made up by kids who's only reference is shitty games. takes a moment to have a smoke, thinking maybe he should stop by hawkins lab, or maybe see if he can find a gate, but in the end figures it can wait til tomorrow. no one's dying yet, and billy kind of doesn't actually give a shit.

max isn't there when he gets home though, and he has a moment to feel pissed before he pulls himself together. if max wants to run around town that she knows is swiping kids and killing them in alternate universes, then so be it. see if he cares. she's still not back by the time he gets dinner together though, and still not there when he finishes eating. by the time neil and susan get home, he's holed up in his room and hoping maybe they won't check on either of them.

neil wouldn't, neil doesn't.

susan does.