we stan billy hargrove in this house

It wasn’t fancy. No private room. No celebrity friends hiding behind menus waiting to yell surprise. No giant cake shaped like a hockey rink. No cameras. No reporters. No carefully curated social media moment designed to make strangers on the internet jealous.

Just dinner.

A small Italian restaurant tucked into a quiet corner of the city, warm light spilling across white tablecloths. The smell of garlic and fresh bread hangs in the air. Soft music plays somewhere in the background, barely loud enough to notice.

At the table sit exactly three people.

Shane. Yuna. David. That’s it.

Shane, meanwhile, looks vaguely panicked.

Not actual panic. Shane never actually panics. Shane does something much worse. He worries himself into a state of polite, silent anxiety while pretending everything is perfectly fine.

Ilya knows the look.

The tiny crease between Shane’s eyebrows. The way he keeps glancing around the restaurant as though he’s personally responsible for the quality of every meal being served. The way he asks if everything is okay every ten minutes.

As if there is any universe where Ilya is going to complain.

Especially when Shane has already spent half the evening smiling at him like that.

At some point Yuna insists on a photograph. Shane immediately sits up straighter, polite and composed as ever. Ilya leans in close enough that their shoulders touch. The resulting picture is painfully them: Shane smiling softly at the camera while Ilya looks delighted by absolutely everything. It will end up as Shane’s phone background within a week. Shane will deny this. The evidence will be overwhelming.

Especially after this morning.

Ilya has already had an excellent birthday.

Maybe the best possible start to a birthday, in fact.

Being woken up before sunrise by his husband had resulted in several minutes where coherent thought had completely abandoned him. There had absolutely been fireworks involved, regardless of what the Canadian government officially classified as fireworks. So really, Shane could have handed him a stale muffin and a coupon for free parking after that and Ilya probably would have called it a perfect day.

Instead, Shane had spent the entire day looking increasingly concerned that he hadn't done enough. It was ridiculous. Completely ridiculous.

Ilya leans back in his chair and watches Shane fret over the menu.

The man has somehow arranged a dinner with the two most important people in his life, booked a restaurant Ilya actually likes, cleared everyone's schedules, and spent the whole day treating him like he hung the moon. 

And still Shane looks worried.

"You know," Ilya says finally, reaching for his wine, "most people would be very offended."

Shane immediately looks up. "About what?"

"About how little faith you have in them."

The crease between Shane’s eyebrows deepens.

"I don't know what that means."

"I mean," Ilya says patiently, "you look like you think I am about to stand up and announce this is worst birthday in history."

Yuna snorts into her drink. David outright laughs.

Shane sighs. "I just wanted it to be nice."

"It is nice."

"I know, but—"

"No." Ilya points at him with his wine glass. "Listen carefully. I am going to explain something important."

Shane immediately adopts the expression of a man being forced into a lecture.

"I woke up this morning very happy. Then I spent the day with my husband. Now I am eating pasta with people I like. This is already successful birthday."

Yuna nods. "That's actually a pretty good summary."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Shane's shoulders finally loosen a little.

And that, more than the restaurant or the food or the occasion itself, makes warmth settle comfortably in Ilya's chest. Because Shane still doesn't understand.

He still thinks effort is measured in grand gestures. He still worries that simple isn't enough.

But across the table is Yuna, smiling into her wine. Beside her is David, telling some story that keeps getting interrupted by laughter. And next to Ilya is Shane, who woke up early just to make sure his birthday started right and has spent the entire day trying to make him happy.

What Shane never seems to realize is that none of this is simple. Not for Ilya.

Not when, for most of his life, birthdays had been phone calls across oceans, teammates in hotel rooms, hurried celebrations squeezed between games and flights and obligations.

This is family.

Shane jerked off on Draft Day thinking of Ilya because Ilya TOUCHED HIS FINGERS TWICE.

FINGERS.

TWICE.

NONE OF THAT PHRASE IS A EUPHEMISM

A FULL YEAR LATER, Shane's all "hey man, let's just forget about this." Then Ilya adjusts his towel a lil and Shane says "1410, fuck me up bro." No second thoughts. Dickmatized by the MEMORY of Ilya jacking it in the shower.

Ilya says "more" and Shane's all "fuck germs, Imma spray this phallic metaphor STRAIGHT DOWN MY THROAT, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS."

Shane KNOWS hotel rooms have shitty soundproofing and that Scott Hunter is RIGHT NEXT DOOR and Ilya LEFT HIM IN THE GODDAMN HALL and Shane is still "sir yes sir" when Ilya orders him to his knees.

EVEN ILYA WASN'T PREPARED FOR THAT. CANONICALLY.

Ilya dicks Shane down SO GOOD the first time they hook up in Montreal that Shane sits his FRESHLY USED ASS on THESE COLD CONCRETE STAIRS, listens to Ilya mock his Olympic dreams, AND STILL LOOKS AT HIM LIKE THIS ARE YOU FKN KIDDING ME

Ilya ghosts him for six months, says "suck my dick" as a hello, makes Shane BEG in a PUBLIC BATHROOM and Shane still WHIMPERS when Ilya says "well actually let's play a game."

This is not the face of tolerance my peeps, this is straight up OBSESSION.

"We didn't even kiss" but come October IT'S NOT JUST LAUNDRY GETTING FOLDED OVER THE COUCH AMIRITE?!

IN TLG Shane drives two hours on the worst roads in Canada WITH A PLUG IN HIS BUSSY B/C ILYA WORE A MINISKIRT FFS

"It's not the sex Alice, " yes I hear the objections so ok, let's talk ridiculousness.

Shane gives up the diet he's made HAYDEN AND JACKI commit to for SIX YEARS because Ilya says "I'll make you a delicious but actually horrendous sammich."

Shane sees Ilya lick ONE GIRL'S EAR AND HAS A TOTAL MENTAL BREAKDOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF A CLUB. IN MONTREAL. The quintessential Canadian experience.

Ilya promises chocolate bars to a buncha kids, tells Shane (in his geometric dick shirt) to pay for it AND HE DOES BECAUSE ILYA LOOKS CUTE PLAYING WITH KIDS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

THE HOSPITAL SCENE OMFG.

On the left, Shane before Ilya arrives, on the right, Shane after. HE LITERALLY COMES TO LIFE.

When Ilya comes to the hospital, Shane is so doped up he has no inhibitions. What's his first repsonse?!? "EEEELLLYAAA" at a volume that might actually be a noise violation.

Ilya is like, "discretion, my sweet broken nerd," and Shane is like "NAH BRUH, LET ME ANNOUNCE HOW MUCH I NEED YOU AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS HURRAY FOR FOIP IMMA TELL ALL THESE NURSES ABOUT HOW MUCH I WANNA SNUGGLE YOU ILYA ROZANOV CAPTAIN OF THE RAIDERS AND MY GREATEST RIVAL"

In TLG?! Shane says, no dogs, Ilya says, well actually we are dog parents now and Shane's like "bet. Leave your pet chaos in my home permanently despite the fact you're hardly ever here. Your child is our child. I have always loved dogs."

Yeah, Shane's a private person but don't you think, once they can be public, Shane isn't within three feet of Ilya at all times they're in the same space? Like THOSE couples at the restaurant? You know them. Disgustingly in love. No sense of decorum at all.

Shane was all full contact foot touches when THEY WERE PLAYING IT SECRET.

WHAT ON EARTH MAKES YOU THINK HE'LL BE NORMAL WHEN THEY CAN BE OPEN ABOUT THINGS.

Shane ran across like seven football fields and the fuckin Laurentians IN A TOWEL WHEN SOMEONE SAID ILYA'S NAME WHEN THEY WERE STILL "SUPER SEKRIT LOVAHS."

"Maybe he's sick" "nope, I'd know because I was suckin his cock before the game, i took his temperature WITH MY TONSILS."

The only thing keeping this dork's love life a secret is heteronormativty and the alarming rate of CTE in professional men's hockey.

You think he's recovered from this once HE CAN ACTUALLY JUST BE HONESTLY OBSESSY MESSY?! Oh nay nay, HE WILL BE SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE. He will be attached to Ilya's belt loops at all times.

Shane is so fucking obsessed with Ilya it's unbelievable. Honestly the least believable thing to me about TLG (and I get it, for story beats) is that Shane isn't continually checking Ilya's Insta.

(In my headcanon, Shane avoids Ilya's social media because it makes him miss Ilya too much. MY HEADCANON YOU CAN'T CHANGE MY MIND)

The man was watching tape of Ilya before his voice cracked. Ilya is the boy he wanted when they were still children on separate continents. Shane was excited about Ilya before he even knew he was into dudes. They were both obsessed before they even met, and it never stops.

It's fun to imagine Shane being huffy because Ilya fucked up the dishwasher or something, just cuz angy kitten Shane is always a party. But never for a moment think Shane merely tolerates Ilya.

LOOK AT THE PHOTOS I POSTED. SHANE'S FACE IS NOT THE FACE OF TOLERANCE, PEOPLE. OR EVEN ACCEPTANCE

This is OBSESSION. There's nothing tolerant here, this is full on "I CELEBRATE YOUR EXISTENCE. MY LIFE MEANT NOTHING BEFORE YOU AND WILL MEAN NOTHING WHEN YOU ARE GONE. ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED IS YOU."

Shane is DOWN HORRENDOUS for everything Ilya does. Don't ever doubt it.

A meme inspired by the original post on threads: