the words break out of his mouth like his tongue disagrees with his brain and so his lips open up and there they are just floating in the air waiting for billy to catch them. yeah says billy, like a question, like it was ever a question. maybe it was, to him. doesn’t think he deserves it, can’t imagine ever having it, he had said. he’d die before anybody ever- but then there was steve just giving it so freely. despite himself. despite everything. despite every bone and muscle in his body screaming, aching, weeping. synapses firing, nerve endings snapping. all too happy to give billy a chance. a second chance. a third, a fourth and a fifth and a sixth and not giving up or in not ever. never never never. fighting tooth and nail to make billy see. to prove to him that there’s something there worth saving. that he is worth saving, even when billy tells him about all the times he’s thought about just letting go. and he’s some of the way there but there’s nineteen years of it to unravel. eleven had started it (you were happy) max continues it (we could try again) the thing with steve is newer, billy’s more wary. doesn’t want something so pretty getting all tangled up in the bloody gauze that threads his life together. steve says he doesn’t mind the blood. pokes at bruises to gauge their point of healing, swaps spit even when their lips are stained red. will only practice caution when the wound is deeper..and somehow that hurts more. billy prefers the prods and the punches to the gentle touches. again, doesn’t deserve the tender. steve says he can have both. steve says he can have anything he wants, if he just lets himself. and so inch by inch billy crawls out from under his fathers thumb into the sunlight. unravels the bloody thread. lets himself be okay with the healing. reminds himself to keep pushing, keep striving, keep winning.

Billy being so abrasive and like gritty with everyone else but being so gentle with Steve is [chef’s kiss]