oh my god...

this girl was showing all the signs of being a secret mermaid so i pushed her into the pool and she turned into a forty foot long mosasaurus which is tbh way cooler

not really sure how to get her out though

for those of you asking why i pushed her into the pool in the first place: i work for a duplicitous small town aquarium and i'm trying to kidnap mermaids to jump through hoops and shit to entertain tourists and make money. fucking obviously. now that i know she's actually a mosasaurus though i Have fallen in pure-hearted love with her

when i turn into a bat my dick stays the same size and i cant even fuckin move

one of the best things for me in adulthood was realising just how many other human beings are mentally ill, weird, stupid, embarassing. like truly truly we all say idiotic things and make mistakes and i dont have to punish myself and crawl into a hole and die over being imperfect. Read one comments section and you'll understand that there are more lunatics than you could ever imagine

no, mother... you should have read my supposed "school field trip" permission slip closer.... i foresaw your betrayal a mile away.... im afraid, mother, it is you who has been sold to one direction

goodbye $200 helloooo 3 groceries

ummm that's literally just lovebait. she only made those cookies because she loves you and knows you will enjoy them

having poor circulation is great because people will touch your hand and go 'oh! you're so cold!' and for a moment you get to experience what it's like to be a vampire in a romance novel

It's so nice being on tumblr because you don't even have to make your own post but people would still follow you anyways if you're good at rebloging posts they like

i could never handle immortality not because of any existential reasons but because i know itd make my procrastination so much worse. catch me putting off tasks for decades. catch me putting off tasks for centuries. what do you mean that movie ive been meaning to get around to became lost media 40 years ago. what do you mean that landmark ive been meaning to visit has been eroded. oooh i got PLANY of time..............

i bring a "technically i could do this tomorrow" energy to things that tomorrow me really resents

weird me out? no. you've weirded me in. let's merge souls

I’m ready to be transformed by the ibuprofen . I’m ready to be born again in its purifying light.

(voice of a girl who's already weird about it) can i be weird about this

they should invent an apartment that a normal person can afford