oh my god...

sorry i never replied. everyday is blending together and i'm losing sense of time

that coffee and pastry will save your life btw

washing dishes is evil because you go "oh fuck there's so many dishes this is gonna take foreverrr" and then you enter the dish abyss and emerge with your abdomen somehow covered in water and your hands all wrinky and then you look at the clock and what felt like half an hour was actually 10 minutes

RIP jason mendoza you would've loved 67

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this girl was showing all the signs of being a secret mermaid so i pushed her into the pool and she turned into a forty foot long mosasaurus which is tbh way cooler

not really sure how to get her out though

for those of you asking why i pushed her into the pool in the first place: i work for a duplicitous small town aquarium and i'm trying to kidnap mermaids to jump through hoops and shit to entertain tourists and make money. fucking obviously. now that i know she's actually a mosasaurus though i Have fallen in pure-hearted love with her

when i turn into a bat my dick stays the same size and i cant even fuckin move

one of the best things for me in adulthood was realising just how many other human beings are mentally ill, weird, stupid, embarassing. like truly truly we all say idiotic things and make mistakes and i dont have to punish myself and crawl into a hole and die over being imperfect. Read one comments section and you'll understand that there are more lunatics than you could ever imagine

no, mother... you should have read my supposed "school field trip" permission slip closer.... i foresaw your betrayal a mile away.... im afraid, mother, it is you who has been sold to one direction