moo moo

i like it when people compliment me. i like it... when people like me. (looks around to make sure nobody is about to shoot me)

"hear me out" and it's a picture of the most fuckable building you've ever seen. c'mon now.

the weed dispensaries should ask if you would like to round up your purchase to donate to PBS. and if you say yes you get to scan a QR code that gives you 30-day free access to the full run of antiques roadshow. this is how drugs can win the war on drugs again.

IMPORTANT PSA! If you contribute to PBS or any local public broadcasting subsidiary at $5/mo ($60/yr) or above, you gain access to PBS Passport, which has a tremendous library of public broadcast programs available…including the full run of antiques roadshow

the thing is they really do let you hit because you're goofy.

i say shit like "whuh oh!" and it makes girls want to kiss me under moonlight for some reason

hey do you mind grabbing joseph's coat for him? yeah its the red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and gray and purple and white and pink and orange and blue one

becomes so horny that i transform into a swarm of eels living in a beautiful and picturesque lake

@daysleftofsecondterm

okay im gonna hypnotize you with my ruby amulet now DONT BE WEIRD ABOUT IT. im doing this to make you betray the king. IT IS NOT A SEX THING

I think the fact that you immediately thought about clarifying it’s not a sex thing kinda makes it sound like it is a sex thing.

FOOL. i would be using my sex amulet for that

humans should be able to do a special Ultra Sleep after major life accomplishments where you're just out for like 32 hours or something and then you wake up fully refreshed in every way

let's all have fun because it's better than not having fun