hi!! please feel free to chat and say hi. below the cut is a list of fics, along with links to their post on tumblr/ao3. for drabbles, snippets, or shorter fics you might want to check my writing tag: #tortoise tries to write or #tortoisememery if youre here for the incorrect quotes/playlists/memes/any of my other attempts at humor. for analysis: #tortoise analysis ; the tags are kinda fucked w the search idk why i think the search works on my blog itself tho
stuff i post: grishaverse, the pitt, the artful dodger, marvel, pjo hoo, classical music, a lot..l of stuff…
(all my original posts are tagged with #me; i believe you can use that to sort through them. or not i dont know how these updates work)
requests are always very very very (i cant say it enough) welcome, though i may take ages to do so i will definitely do my best to write them out. (anything sfw is fine). i think thats all, will update this periodically. enjoy your existences
1. how we go on (ao3, 1.7k)
warning for mc death, angst
summary: It wasn't supposed to be her. It was never supposed to be her. That is all Nikolai can think, the only thing he finds coherent and whole in his mind as Zoya lies in his arms, eyes bright and radiant and blood blooming on her chest.
or: nikolai and zoya both realizing they dont have much time left. takes place some years after rule of wolves
2. even so, my sun did shine (ao3, 1.2k)
no warnings, fluff
summary: A sort of reverse of That Scene between Zoya and Nikolai in the aftermath of the Tavgharad’s-- lets call it a fiery demise-- but less angsty ‘don’t gos’ and more nonsensical fluff.
in which zoya is slightly loopy and quite a bit more clingy in the aftermath of taking a sleeping draught, and nikolai finds himself rather concerned at her lack of spite. hes not exactly complaining, though.
3. laughter in the rain (ao3, tumblr, 2.1k)
no warnings; basically half-crack, half-fluff
summary: in which Nikolai is much too found of puns while Zoya is the polar opposite, and a young, incredibly chaotic Squaller child wreaks absolute havoc on literally everything. (from tumblr ask: how about nikolai interacting with zoya’s students and them finding nikolai’s dad jokes funnier than zoya does (though she does secretly enjoy them))
4. all i ask (ao3, excerpt here)
no warnings, pining/angst
summary: Starlight glints in her gaze, in the jewels that swirl in the waves of her gown. “What do you want, Nikolai?” she asks quietly.
“A dance,” he says, and though it has barely been seconds he feels as though he’s aged a decade. He forces an easy smile onto his face, holding out his hand. “Nothing but a dance.”
or: a king and his general, and the words they leave unsaid. basically angsty zoyalai ballroom dancing while they play their favorite game that we all know as ‘lets constantly ignore our feelings for eachother!’
5. a heart's a heavy burden ao3, multichapter, 5 chaps and 8.8k so far)
no warnings, post-KoS, pre-RoW pining and angst to come but happy ending
summary: There would always be part of her that wanted more; for better or worse, a part of her that believed she wouldn’t know true satisfaction until she had it, even as she swore off the possibility with every fiber of will in her. She wouldn’t become what he had. She couldn’t. And yet fear of it now roils deep in her gut, old and dark as the scales glinting on her wrists.
(Zoya struggles to control the newfound power she has in her amplifiers and fears that her strength could turn her into something worse. luckily, nikolai is here :)
from anon request: after trying so hard to make sure that she’s unable to feel nikolai’s emotions with her newfound powers something happens that breaks zoya’s concentration and she’s finally feels the weight of nikolai’s feelings for her.
6. as the morining comes (ao3, tumblr, 997 words)
no warnings
summary: "Nikolai, at this moment, has decided on two things: the first being that he is a hopelessly lost cause for Zoya Nazyalensky, and the second being that he does not think he will ever stop smiling again."
part one of a bunch of fluffy zoyalai oneshots ill post under the series waltz of four left feet
7. afterimage (ao3, 362 words)
summary: basically hurt/comfort post-breakup zoyalai in a modern au
8. its always brighter with you (ao3, 748 words)
summary: an excuse for me to write zoyalai banter. basically Nikolai and Zoya going through all the shit Genya sent them and doing the KoS equivalent of Say Yes to the Dress with Nikolai
9. stills of a life tied in blue (that is to say, tied to you) (ao3, 466 words)
warning: grief/mcd
summary: a little fic and musing on the ever iconic blue ribbon and the roles it will play throughout nikolai and zoyas life, from beginning to end.
10. All I’ve ever wanted (ao3, 1500 words)
summary:
Its sometime early in terms of their days, he is kissing her (as he does) when he reaches a point behind the shell of her ear that makes her sigh. His eyes flutter open and it's that image: morning light lilting along her features, her eyes closed, a smile lilting on her lips, perfect contentment– he wants to give her the world. He’s only a man, but he’d do damn near anything that meant seeing that look on her face again. So he promises, and it feels the least he can swear: he will never stop trying.
4 gifts from Nikolai + a final one that means the world
11. masquerade (ao3 2000 words)
The first time she'd pretended she was fucking Nikolai Lantsov wasn't nearly as amusing as it should have been.
or: the first time they need to fake being lovers for national security reasons and the feelings they cannot afford to feel. so naturally they just stop feeling them. jk!
12. My love mine all mine (ao3, 577 words)
Neither of them are ever much good at saying what they really, truly feel, but there is no need for words, now; she thinks. There is no need to say what she can feel through every inch of her skin.
Aka a continuation of the zoyalai first kiss from RoW picking up directly after 'she obliged him.'
Because like that's all we get? One kiss? Cmon the people need more
13. Where light breaks (ao3, 677 words)
She is still Zoya, still too proud to ask for what she wants but he is lost to her and so he gives it, drawing her to him; his arms wrapped low around her waist, letting her drop her head back against his shoulders as his lips map the ever new, well worn way down her throat.
—-
Just a relationship/character study of Zoyalai, in a world where they give into their longing for a while before the inevitable wedding. Post King of Scars, alternate row.
14. lovesick (2/? chapters , ao3 )
He knows how her skin feels, under his fingers. Or rather he is nearly certain he knows how her skin feels, and the ‘nearly’ of it is driving him to a precarious tap dance on the frayed edge of his sanity.
aka nikolai and zoya come back from the fold and are just as haunted by every what if and should have been as the rest of us and this time they actually DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT
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did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
and that heaven is overrated?
and tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
— one without a permanent scar?
and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?
Hiii it's a-me, deep in the trenches of mohabbot classical music AU and I'm kinda gearing off to finish the first chapter but I need your big brain orchestra person wisdom! Sorry for just hitting u up btw I keep shuffling around the outline and it gets hairier by the edit 🙏🏽😔 it's now at 10 chapters (fingers crossed)
anyway a crucial part of the story is Samira joining the Pitt orchestra as Robby's... I'm in two minds whether she'd be his assistant conductor or associate conductor because I find that it varies in different orchestras?? some has associate and others have assistant... Is there a significant gap between the experiences of associate vs assistant? or are they the same?
also, another big thing in the story is Samira wanting to enter Mahler compo with Robby's blessing because he was a judge in a previous compo she's in where he, like, eviscerated her and she's taking it as a challenge lmao I do think this Samira has more confidence compared to canon Samira but before I digress and confuse u...
in my outline I put the majority of this story happening in 2025 so basically she's prepping to enter this year's Mahler (starting the end of this month! lol the sheer coincidence), she's joining the pitt as Robby's underling halfway through the season in February 2025(?) and the deadline for the Mahler submission was in October. Does this make sense or should I put the timeline even further in 2024 where she joined the company at the beginning of the season in September...? idk I've already written ch 1 as a January 2025 chapter but I'm still unsure lmao
and, pls enlighten me abt a violinist's daily practice routine (scales then sightreading or something else or chamber music even??) outside of learning a concert piece. In my fic, Jack has like weekly lessons with Parker to kinda prep her for compo of her own and I'm blanking on the kind of lesson plan they have. I swear I can't watch another twoset video, they're getting less and less amusing each time.
lastly I humbly ask ur opinion about this configuration of pitt orchestra:
trinity - percussionist (I just think it makes sense)
dennis - viola ...? (I think it's funny but idk maybe I've been exposed to too much viola hate from violinists aka twoset)
perlah and princess - stage managers...or orchestra managers? idk my only experience is theatre aka plays, orchestras do have their own SMs right? to help with scores and stands and stuff?
dana - retired oboist now head of the musicians' union who sits on the orchestra board (idk the appropriate name for this lmao I ripped this from Mozart in the Jungle) (please tell me orchestras are still unionized... I'd lose faith in humanity otherwise) (she still brings her reed knife everywhere so nobody ever messes with her)
yolanda - flutist...? woodwind definitely, something that makes her very smug because she's very important... maybe she's a multi woodwind instrumentalist if there ever was someone like that lmao
Sorry for the crazy long message btw idk how many more ray chen videos I have in me (I'm desperate)
hope ur own cm AU goes well lemme kno if u need my nitpicking vis a vis grammar and writing stuff! we can workshop each other's work yaay 😇
HELLOOO okay let me get right on this
Associate vs Assistant: yes skill and experience and seniority gap. Assistant suits the canon situation very well with Samira.
The associate usually has nearly as much experience as the main conductor. If this was med they’d both be attendings, and the assistant position is more like a residency situation. Third in command, would probably take over in an emergency if there was *somehow* a case where the conductor and associate weren’t free. the assistant is more there to get job experience than anything. Conduct smaller shows, perhaps conducting sectionals or extra rehearsals, maybe help with some logistics. during soundcheck they might even be helping with the setup of the orchestra or reporting to the principal conductor how the orch sounds in the venue so they can adjust.
re timeline;;; I think it’s fine. But usually in a case like that she would have prior.. connections to Robby somehow? A friend of her college professor, maybe he was her teacher at a summer festival or something? I mean like why is she under him after getting… eviscerated? merit alone is typically not enough in this industry 😭 if you’re going with merit tho because it suits her character, by all means. 2025 is ok, especially if she has repertoire prepared from college that she can reuse.so she’s just like, reviewing stuff.
re violinists; HAHAHAHAHAHA. Twoset these days,,, just,,, let’s not. Anyway. It varies from teacher to teacher. The standard is to have the student practice scales, etudes, repertoire. Not all of that is in every lesson. Usually lessons at competition level are more repertoire focused. Repertoire will usually mean (especially if this is a competition context)
One of the 6 Bach Solo Sonatas/Partitas
A sonata
If advanced: a paganini caprice in place of an etude
A showpiece or contemporary work
A concerto (sometimes 2, one Mozart and one romantic/postromantic. Sometimes just one or the other)
at this level, sight reading isn’t practiced really. You should have gotten the hang of that through youth orch or college. If the violinist is not in college, then chamber music may not also be a significant portion of the practice. What is Ellis’ situation like? Working, masters, etc. ?
if she’s in a professional orch job, probably her practice is just orchestra rep and solo work. Unless she works as a quartet violinist or something?
In a competition prep situation, again, most of the lesson time is likely spent on the repertoire. It will be expected you have practiced the scales on your own and all. Those won’t be called in for very long, maybe 15 mins? If ever? Unless there’s a like… fundamental technical issue to fix. That’s easier done in scales or open strings than in a complicated piece. So in this case it’s probably Bach immediately, for warm up.. then whatever piece or spot is most concerning. Some lessons will be rehearsal style; with the accompanist in and Abbot coaching the ensemble unity and stuff. At this level, technique isn’t very concerning, it’s more about phrasing, style, and…
okay this is kind of a segue but there is a ‘competition style’ of playing. You cannot be too individualistic at risk of displeasing the jury. But you still have to be memorable? It’s a fine line. Of course people break that rule from time to time and go crazy viral. Whether Abbot would encourage following that… semi bland standard or encourage his students to just have at it, up to you. But know that it’d be considered a huge risk. Very night shift of him though, id think. Freaking adrenaline junkie.
you should check out violinist.com. Lots of info on like.. everything. It’s where all the major nerds hung out in the big 2000 lol
orchestra configuration: THIS IS SO GOOD BAHAHHA. I’m sorry Whitaker is such a violist I just,, he is. Everything you said makes sense. I especially love flute Yolanda please it suits.
re Dana: yes orchestra board! Or board of trustees. Something like that.
yes orchestras have stage managers for setup, production manager as the bigger head of that department (also in charge of logistics, worst job ever imo idk how ours does it).
For your reference this is the full list of non-performing positions in my orchestra. A major orchestra, in a better funded country (with unions, we don’t have unions here, save us) would have a bigger team I’m sure. This is like.. well it feels like a SKELETAL crew. Idk how we’re surviving:
Executive Director
- Assistant Executive Director
- Music Director
- Production Manager
- Marketing & Communications Manager
- Librarian / Tech Coordinator
- Finance Manager / FOH
- Production Coordinator
Marketing Coordinator
- Front of House 5-6 peopleProduction Crew 5-6 people
Hope I didn’t forget anything! Best of luck! You can chat me if you want or if I missed something. Personally experiencing a huge lack of TIME TO WRITE RN but I am so hyped for this! ! Can’t wait!
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fic: some potential in the actuality
The Pitt (Abbot/Walsh; E)
"Generally speaking, when two people have been spending time together recreationally for months, often with little to no clothes on, it is not outside the realm of possibility that they'd be each other's plus ones to events."
(Or: the one where one drunk marriage of inconvenience leads to many, many more inconveniences.)
I.
"So if EMS brought me into The Pitt because I collapsed at the farmer's market—"
"I'd collapse if you ever got near a farmer's market," Abbot snickers. Walsh ignores that to continue, "You'd let a resident and a med student practice their H's and T's on me?"
"So you can tell people afterwards that we're only together because the oxygen deprivation gave you brain damage? Absolutely not! I'd be in the ambulance coding you before they even got you off the rig."
Which, she supposes, is as close to a definition of romance as Jack Abbot is ever going to get.
II.
Walsh tries to keep a slightly breathless commentary going about how Newsies Jack might give Abbot a run for his money.
Jack frowns.
"Don't love that. I want to be your favorite Jack."
"If you feel threatened by the very dreamy protagonist of a Disney musical from the 90s, do something to prove me wrong."
IV.
There is still time for him to follow the exit strategy that Walsh is offering him. But one look at Abbot and she's transported back to every frustrating consult she's ever had in the ER that has resulted in them butting heads because she was trying to be logical while he was already making an ill-advised incision that worked in a dream he once had.
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when u wake up and all the sneaky little typos from last night have taken off their invisibility cloak and are now wearing neon orange vests and dancing the Macarena
quotes from supriya ganesh's new interview that make me wanna rip out my own hair:
"I think a lot of what drives her is the passing of her father; and though that's not explicitly delved into in the show like for a lot of the characters[...] everyone has that thing that makes them tick"
"One thing i did, especially for season two, is that i wrote letters to him in different stages of her life, especially when she was in medical school, promising the kind of doctor she was gonna be, and the goals she would strive to as a medical professional for him"
"I think pittfest really redeemed her, and showed us that she can work in a fast paced environment. I think a lot of it is decision paralysis, which can also be a strength. She's found more balance. She has that diagnostic superpower where she can look under the surface and see what's going on"
"I hear from a lot of people; people with chronic pain, chronic disease, conditions where they weren't believed, especially women and women of colour, they really want this doctor. I mean i want this doctor. [...] There is so much in women's healthcare especially, where there's just no research done for... like there's still no real way to diagnose endometrioses without an invasive surgery for example"
"Doctor Mohan is that doctor that says 'no i am going to listen to you, even if other people call you crazy[...]' and i don't think it's a specific type of patient; even with the geriatric cases she doesn't dismiss them just because they are older, she sees their problems and she is going to fix it"
"i think she only realises how innapropriate and in some ways traumatic it was that her boss spoke to her that way after he left the room, and she sort of sees everyone looking at her; that is only the moment where she's like 'what just happened'"
"Especially as a subordinate, so much of your future depends on whether your attending likes you or not, and she's trying to stay in this hospital. It's very destabilising to her. It really sort of came out of nowhere, she thought they were on better terms"
"[during the ambulance bay scene] This is the first time that she's learning literally anything about him; she's trying to process it after these weird few hours with him. It gives her more insight into why. I don't know if things are 100% okay, i think she just sort of sees that he's going through it too"
"A lot of female residents or med students have this sort of weird dynamic with superiors where they are kind of seen as less than in some ways, or taken less seriously"
"[about Orlando] She never wanted to be in the position of the doctor who delivered the news to her family; she always thought she was gonna cover all her bases and is now met with this immovable force that is the American healthcare system and insurance. Even though there is a much larger structural force preventing her from delivering this care, having to give the news herself kind of breaks her"
"She now has empathy for that doctor that failed her own family; there is very complicated feelings, like 'was i too harsh on them' or 'maybe they were also tired' or maybe they had a boss that was trying to get them to flip beds and thought my dad was being dramatic about his heart attack symptoms."
"When i first read her, i thought she was written as a response to, like, everything. The fact that you have to turn over these patients, and almost treat this hospital like it's a restaurant. She feels like the best way to deliver care is to not do that to the extent that it needs to be done"
"[If Samira returned to s3] I just think she's a brilliant ER doctor, and i would hope that she adds specialties to make her more fulfilled in that setting; i would hope that she would find a way to continue her research on racial disparity, and i hope she takes the next day [after the 4th of July] off"
"[ About fans response to her leaving] I guess i didn't know you liked the character that much?[laughs] No, no, i mean i know they did, but i was so surprised by how much love everyone had for her. That's what i'm gonna miss the most, all the love and the community that people formed around the character"
"[About Samira's most challenging case] I think it was really the sickle cell patient; we filmed that very soon after Sonya Massey was murdered. I think it was really overwhelming for me to come in and deal with those dynamics with the sickle cell patient. I told Ashley(Joyce) that we could always take a breather"
"I don't think Samira does karaoke, i think she's just kinda sitting in the corner and hoping no one notices she's there"
"[About what she'll miss the most] Oh, i mean the cast, definitely. I've made some lifelong friends there, and it's gonna be weird seeing them not in scrubs because we don't hang out outside of set a lot. Now i will have see them outside of a scrub setting"
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