black autistic trans diary

i know it comes from childhood trauma and being othered and regarded without any patience. i judge myself preemptively and intensely to try to “catch myself” and be more mindful in future conversations but what’s actually happening is an compulsive response that’s not really led by logic and can only be fed by anxiety. that plus just generally struggling to be present, grounded, authentic, and confident while socializing. while masking.

to help explore the intricacies of big feelings that are sometimes indiscernible

especially when that something is deeply connected to the way i navigate life.

I’ve been struggling a lot with Repetitive and Restrictive Behaviors

More specifically tactile stims and tics. Some of these things i can recognize as more voluntary tactile stims that ive done for a long time. But i often get locked into a restrictive and stressful loop of doing these stimulatory actions.

This has brought to mind some questions about the overlap and differences between Autism and OCD, with comorbity in mind.

since a kid i’ve had a few long with standing tactile stims/tics:

Hard, repetitive, excessive blinking.

Snorting

Excessive toe curling and interlocking of toes

Hard, repetitive, excessive scrunching and stretching of nose and philtrum

Clenching teeth

Picking and peeling skin

Uncontrollable nail biting

Rolling eyes back with eyes closed

Pattern walking by way of trying to step on cracks with consistent foot coverage and pressure

Some of these are a lot more visible than others but the visible ones gave me enough trouble in the past that i involuntarily developed more covert habits that stimulate the same area

which brings me to a tic that has been plaguing me for over a year now:

Excessively and roughly pressing my tongue against my soft palate

This is something that started as a self regulatory behavior triggered by emotional and environmental stimuli. Now i get into these loops where i can’t stop doing it and it stresses me out and hurts lol.

The same is true for the list of tactile stims above. I think i start doing them to self soothe then once i make the specific sort of contact i get fixated on how the pressure, contact, or motion should feel and then can’t stop repeating it.

This makes me wonder about the possibility of certain things manifesting as autism symptoms, ocd symptoms, or both.

To give some more context, I’m not diagnosed or self diagnosed as OCD. I am diagnosed ASD and ADHD. However, at the start of my mental health treatment journey the psychiatrist i was seeing identified and notated disruptive OCD symptoms that they expected my previously prescribed Prozac to help with. It did help but it also made me manic so they banned me from Prozac. (long story for another time or another blog lol)

In more recent psychiatric visits my intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors were outlined noted and proclaimed to possibly be elevated by my newly prescribed Abilify which i haven’t taken yet as i struggle with change and especially change in self care routine.

All that is to say that there does seem to be some overlap between ASD and OCD in my experience. This was corroborated in conversation with my friend who is diagnosed OCD we related when i mentioned these compulsive behaviors

Accidentally touching something in passing only to have to return and touch it properly with the “correct amount of pressure”

Intrusive thoughts of harm scenarios involving self and others

Intrusive thoughts surrounding health anxiety

drinking things in intervals of eleven

applying a correct numbered increment to actions and avoiding certain numbers

having to flip a switch or hold an object in just the right way

constant redoing of motions until they feel right

Something that initially made me unsure regarding classifying these behaviors as OCD is the fact that there doesn’t seem to be an anxious “what if i dont do this, something bad may happen” feeling triggering these things. That perspective may be naive or ignorant on my part tho which is why i’m diving deeper to learn more.

Autistic traits vs Trauma symptoms experienced by Autistic people.

Shit gets scary when the frequency and appeal of these jokes inspire participation from those outside of the autistic experience.

we see the same thing happen historically with jokes about black people by black people being adopted as “dark” humor by non black people.

we see the same happening where cis people are comfortable making jokes about nonbinary people after enjoying intracommunal jokes from other queer/trans people.

This turned out to be a long ass list. Repetition behaviors and stims like these are one of my most prevalent and intense symptoms/experiences with autism.

Some of these are soothing but some are stressful as they can be uncomfortable, disruptive, self injurious, and/or embarrassing. I spend a lot of time and effort trying to suppress a lot of these if i can.

•pacing in a circle

•Torsion stims including:

•curling toes repeatedly and constantly

•touching back of tongue to specific part of the roof of my mouth

•touching lip to bottom of nose

•repeatedly and constantly scrunching and unscrunching nose

•rocking back and forth

•repeatedly and semi constantly echolalia including singing, speech, and noises

•snorting my nose as if i was clearing it or grunting by breathing in through nose

•clenching teeth

•rolling eyes back

•repeatedly and constant blinking

•blinking/closing eyes very hard

•blinking one eye after the other repeatedly •hitting head when overstimulated

•clearing throat repeatedly

•listening to a song on repeat for hours

•constantly rewinding part of a song or show

•nail, skin, and lip biting

• stretching, twisting, pulling out hair •picking skin

•breaking/pulling things apart

•chewing plastic

•finger joint cracking

a person speaking about their experiences having and distinguishing ADHD based meltdowns and ASD based meltdown

i understand i feel this shame because of the bullying, persecution, and violence that i was met with when expressing myself or when my personality was deemed weird.

having my interests, passion, gender performance, and sexuality frequently and violently scrutinized has left me reticent and influenced by fear

it creates a franticly urgent desire for understanding and clarity that i’ve found to be imposing on interpersonal interactions as well when i’m not mindful of that

this thing itches in my brain in the formation of cycling thoughts that need outlet and reception in order to soothe

i’m trying to learn to soothe myself via the concept of “radical acceptance”.