for a moment there i swear i saw me

"on god's green earth" is way too fun to say even when you don't believe in god and know most of it is blue, actually

your mom jokes don't work when you know someone too well. I would never be in bed with such a wicked woman. That's not even what I had your mom saying last night. I wouldn't speak to her.

The eye doctor is the most fun doctor you can go to. They never steal your blood. They never make you get naked and put on a paper dress. They're just like, "Can you see these letters? It's fine if you can't, we can fix that." And they don't even spell anything.

the thing about being nonbinary is that you really do start to forget that other people have such strict walls around what is and isn’t allowed for genders. i thought we all agreed that we made that up. could you climb out of the cave real quick and feel the sunshine for a minute.

To a homophobe, even the most chaste kiss on the cheek between gay people is exactly as disgusting and degenerate as a hardcore BDSM orgy hosted in the town square, so you may as well ally with the BDSM orgy enthusiasts to throw bricks at the cops who are going to try and arrest all of you together anyway.

One side has monkeys and tigers and elephants and capybaras, the other? Squirrels and deer

Have you seen a moose, megafauna are cool.

I live in the US and one of the things that really reframed the way I think about animals was when someone I knew in Brazil posted a picture of a marmoset hanging out outside their window and I realized that monkeys were to them what squirrels are to me. Recently a friend in Hungary sent a picture they took at the zoo of a raccoon and it was like my worldview was being shifted all over again because what was to me the mildly annoying, somewhat cute, critter that makes weird noises behind my house at night was a wonder to someone else. They have little hands and bandit masks. They wash their little hands. How is that NOT a wonder? All animals are cool I’m just used to raccoons.

its not even a monday Its some other bullshit today

Many jokes about packers flopping out and bouncing away and such but I still wasn't prepared for how genuinely disconcerting it is for a second when your brain has accepted this as Part Of Your Body & your thang fell off. My pebis

Every time I pull my pants down to go to the bathroom and watch My Penis go with them I have to like. Recalibrate

I think a lot of people would benefit from unlearning the idea that casual sex is inherently disgusting, harmful, or immoral just because they personally don’t want to partake in it. You can stand up for sexual safety and consent without acting like people who enjoy fucking strangers are degenerates. I take no issue with anyone asserting boundaries or stating that they’re not interested in certain kinds of sex or even sex as a whole. But when you condemn or express disgust at others for engaging in consensual sex, that’s when you start to sound like a puritan.

Btw, this includes self-proclaimed “feminists” who shame and lecture women for giving men “access” to their bodies. Bodies are not commodities and sex is not inherently transactional. You don’t lose anything by having sex on purpose with a person you find attractive. Sex is not some metaphysically transformative thing that bonds you to the other person forever. It is literally not that deep.

Sex that is transactional is also fine, if you are content with the trade. You don't lose anything of yourself by selling sex, you don't owe anyone sex and you're allowed to make payment a boundary, and your number of sexual partners does not determine your worth.