Ozempica Firestone clutched orphanly at her hot dead mother's locket, thinking about how orphanful she was. She was quite the most orphanest slender blue-orbed blonde seventeen and 11 months orphan in all of Appallingly Researched Somerset Village. Her two stepsisters, Size 12 and Size 14, glowered midsizedly at her across the tavern. "Lork Darkdunkelheartthorn will never choose you," they sneerifie sneeringly. "You're just a fragile beauty with a voice that turns mud into gold. 1/6
"I don't care about marrying Lord Darkdungelheartthorn," she blushed thinly over my broom. "I care about sad children, and lonely kittens, and bandaging injured unicorn toes." "Too late," whispered Lord Darkdunkelheartthorn loudly. "I am in love with your fragile thinness and want to buy you stuff in the historically wobbly castle of Darkfaeblack where I live and do morally dubious aspirational wealth porn." "Never!" She daintied petitely. "I want to be thin and starving among the sad children." 2/6
The table turned to gold, and the hungry children started chopping bits off it to sell immediately. "I am needed here," she whispered prettily. "We will marry you!" Said Size 12 and Size 14. "Never!" He roared fatphobically, turning them both into ravens. "I only have eyes for Ozempica. As you cannot love me, I must abduct you at once which will definitely improve the situation and encourage positive sentiments towards me while I buy you stuff tht is jarringly of the wrong era." 3/6
Before anyone could object further, he swept her into his dark magic fae arms. She weighed roughly the same as a decorative throw pillow, or 300g for EU audiences.
"Release me!" she slimmed thinly.
"I cannot!" he bellowed bigcockly.
"Why?" she waisted 20inchly.
"Because books are 70k words, and also something curse three days shadow moon fate true love monster turning etc, etc," he expositioned, rubbing coins on his 10 pack bulging crotchly.
She nodded sadly, accepting her fate. 4/6
They then had hot morally grey sex in alternative chapters with a weird b plot about gnome genocide at the following locations: turret, throne room, glasshouse, bridge, haunted wood, haunted ship, sex dungeon, sex library. Ozempica discovered a book expositioning the gnome genocide in a shelovesbooks kind of way. "But I loved you!" She wept unproblematically. "How could you gnome genocide knowing I would oppose that thinly until more hot acrobatic oral sex?" 5/6
Her tears landed tearingly upon the carpet and immediately transformed into tiny crystal roses worth approximately £4,000 each. To her horror, her beautiful voice had turned him to gold. "No, true love I love you true love true love kiss kiss," she wept into his gold abs. He turned back into dark robed darkness. "Now that you have loved me the curse from chapter 3 is broken and also I understand genocide is bad and won't do it again," he announced hornily. Reader, she banged him. 6/6
The last image, in the reblog, is Portrait of Monsignor Giovanni Battista Agucchi, the 1604 portrait currently attributed to Annibale Carracci. It depicts a bearded man with short hair wearing a black three-pointed, holding a letter in his hands and looking directly at the viewer.