Me, Myself, And All My Millions

my corner store guy is a 50 year old man who's my best friend in the world and recently he was like "you're too pretty to be single I have some nephews you should meet. very handsome!" and I was like "a niece might be more up my alley" and he just got more excited and said "ah even better! I was overselling my nephews but my nieces are very beautiful"

big fan of when a character metaphorically sweeps something under the rug, but you can feel them flinch every time they walk over it and feel the crumbs beneath their feet

My Very Punctual Wife Gets My Night Worm can also be used to remember the order of the planets in the solar system!

Mercury Venus Pearth Wars Goopiter Maturn Nuranus Weptune

“what’s your dream job” im so glad you asked. picture this. i am the lone employee of a strange and mysterious tchotchke/bookshop in the middle of nowhere, full of fun and interesting things that i am allowed to take for the low low price of free of charge. i get one, exceedingly interesting, customer per hour. i work no more than twenty hours a week and am salaried 3 million dollars

Now that gay ice hockey is trending like wild I'm imagining a world where homophobia is over and it would really behoove a small franchise, say, a team that hasn't won a championship in decades, to encourage two of their more conventionally attractive players to pretend to be in a relationship to boost ticket sales. A flawless plan that I'm sure won't result in anyyyyyyone falling in love

imagine the discourse following the end-of-2nd-act reveal that they've been smooching as a contractual obligation. imagine queer baiting as a literal national sport

everyone reblogging this to say "someone needs to write this!" No. We've written enough. It's time for the National Hockey League to start pulling its weight in this house

I love post like "you all are against rich people until they're a fictional character" because it's completely true. I am against rich people until it's a fictional character. I don't think liking Scrooge McDuck makes someone a class traitor