gayatri

I silently noticed how your eyes sparkled when you talk about her and thought— ah.. what a privilege to be loved by you.

I silently noticed how you sighed when you told me maybe she doesn’t love you like you love her and thought— ah… the classic human trait, taking it for granted.

But yesterday she video called me and showed me her very first tattoo. A photo frame with flower doodled by her parents, brother and me. ME. I was with there. With her family. I’m there permanently! And I cried. Of course I cried because even I’m not sure about myself but she is!

It made me realise two things.

First, that those who love you will show it to you. You won’t have to extend yourself. You won’t be too much or not enough. You’ll be perfect because they find you perfect.

“Hello” It is him.

“Hey”

“Who’s this?” He doesn’t have my number.

“It’s me”

“Who’s this?” He doesn’t even remember my voice.

I’ve launched a fundraising campaign with the goal of raising $40,000 to relocate my family to a safer place where my children can grow up in peace and have a chance at a brighter future.

Unfortunately, my previous fundraising efforts were abruptly halted when my account was terminated without explanation. However, I remain determined to keep fighting for my family’s safety and well-being. 🫶

If you could take a moment to read our story, consider donating, or simply share our campaign with others, it would make an incredible difference. Every act of kindness, no matter how small, brings us one step closer to safety and a new beginning. 🙏

Thank you for your time, compassion, and support. ❤️‍🩹

https://gofund.me/fd1faea2 🔗

1. I love you. Still. And I don’t know when I’ll stop. I lie to myself everyday that I’ve stopped but everyday, even I fail at believing the lie that I want others to believe in.

2. Maybe I will look for you in a room filled with everyone I love. Even my family. Because I see my family everyday, talk to them, laugh with them. But you, I haven’t seen you in years.

3. I love you more than I will ever love myself. Maybe that is the reason why I’m still hurting myself in order to love you.

4. That this is not fair. Someone loving you so hard that even after years of seeing you, the first same that popped in the head, in split of a second was yours. That isn’t fair. Because you have this life where I’m not invited. You have these people and I’m not one of them.

1. I don’t know how to start a podcast.

Like who would listen to a 23 year old who has zero idea what to do in life, who’s thoughts are so unorganised that she can be thinking what ice cream flavour to get and suddenly three stops later in her train of thoughts she finds herself as someone who is so useless that she is unworthy of ice cream. Someone who is lost in every possible aspect of life.

2. I’m not great with technology.

My laptop’s storage has been full for over a year now and all I do is close the notification tab. That’s how much horrible I am with technology.

3. I don’t have anyone I can talk to.

I mean who would even come on a show no body’s watching and I don’t know (or have) anyone who will come. Like how am I supposed to start THE EPISODE 1???

4. I don’t think I’m smart enough to start a podcast.

Jack of all and master of none. LITERALLY NONE. There is just so much I don’t know and there is so much I haven’t read. I know that I’m not smart enough to start a podcast that can create an impact and I know I’m not fun enough to start a podcast that’s something you can play when you can’t find anything to watch. I know I have a lot to say but I’m not sure I have the right words for it. Maybe that’s why I don’t talk to people much because I cannot seem to find the right words.

5. All of this motivation vanishes in the morning.

Every night I find myself with so much to say and no one to hear that I just want to start a freaking podcast (maybe that’s the reason I’m typing all this post. I honestly don’t know if I’ll post this. I’m weird like that. I write and write and write just to archive it in the end). But that’s the thing. Every night I get this small but strong breeze of motivation that makes me want to bring a change, maybe in my life or maybe in the world. But again every morning I wake up with the same thought that why isn’t this life over yet. And I’m very well aware that it’s a thought I should NOT be having so I feel guilty about it and then before I could do anything the day is over.

✨HAPPY NEW YEAR✨

Another decade passed and another started!

This is my ‘Goals Spread’ this year and it is 100% inspired by the great @amandarachlee I just blend it in with my theme!

I never really did an year-end-journaling but for 2019 I did and I asked myself some questions and now I feel so alive! Like I understand myself much more.