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The cool night air hit my face as soon as we stepped outside. It was spring, but it was still cooler than expected. I pulled my hoodie tight against me as I kept my eyes on the sidewalk. We walked in silence for a couple of blocks, but not the awkward kind. Just two people who are comfortable with each other's presence. Yuji's hands were placed in his pockets as he walked slowly to match my pace. 

“You didn't have to come get me,” I say once again. 

“I know.”

Then wh—" 

“Because I wanted to.”

I looked at him as he stared straight ahead. His jaw was clenched as if he were daring me to argue, so I stayed silent. The rest of the walk was silent. We passed familiar streets like the corner we used to get candy or the park we used to play at. Slowly, his house came into view. Two stories with amber light peeking through the windows. As we approached the house, Yuji took out his keys to unlock the door. 

Pushing the door open, Yuji called out, “We’re home.” 

A voice from the living room—low, lazy, and gruff—said, “You bought company; how cute.” 

I stepped through the door and spotted Choso sprawled out on the couch. One arm was draped over the side, and a girl was tucked into his side. She was pretty. Sharp eyes, short dark hair. 

Choso’s eyes lit up when he recognized me. “Y/N. Been a minute.”

“Choso.”

He grinned. “You look like hell rained onto you.”

“And you look like you haven't changed.”

He let out a low, genuine chuckle. And the girl beside him tightened her lips. 

“Right,” Choso said, glancing down at her like he'd forgotten she was there. “This is Mai, Mai, this is Y/N. my annoying little sister.” 

“I'm not your sister.”

“See? Annoying. 

Mai didn't respond. She looked at me quietly as her eyes were cold. I had a feeling she didn't like me, and the feeling was mutual. 

“So, what brings you to our humble home?” Choso sits up slightly, checking his phone. “It's almost eleven. Got tired of your boyfriend?”

“Something like that.” 

An expression flickered across his face, but it was gone in an instant. 

“Hey, I'm going to go ahead and put your stuff in my room,” Yuji said, patting me on the back. “And Choso, leave her alone.” 

“I'm not doing anything.”

“You’re breathing. That's enough.” 

Yuji disappeared upstairs. The floorboards creaked under his weight. And then it was just me, Choso, and Mai, who was pressed up against him as if she were making a statement. 

Choso sits up completely and shifts Mai to the other side of him. He proceeds to pat the cushion next to him. "Sit." 

“I’m fine with standing,”

“I wasn't asking.”

I stared at him as he stared back with that stupid smirk on his face. After a moment I gave in and dropped onto the armchair across from him, far enough to breathe but close enough for him to study me like he used to.

Mai shifted, “Choso are we gonna-”

“In a minute.”

She went quiet. She sighed as she looked at me with anger in her eyes, as if I interfered with her plans. I ignored it.

“So,” Choso said, leaning forward, placing his elbow on his knees. “Are you gonna tell me what happened, or do I have to start guessing?” 

“Nothing happened.” 

“Bullshit.”

“Choso.”

“Y/N,” he said my name the same way I said his - teasing, but underneath it was something careful.  “You showed up at my door at eleven on a Tuesday, wearing Yuji's hoodie, looking like you haven't slept in forever.”

His expression shifted. The smirk faded. For a second, he looked at me -  really looked - and I saw the overprotective person he pretends not to be. 

“Mahito,” he said. Not a question.

I didn't answer. 

He exhaled slowly and balled his hand up into a fist, “One day, Y/N, I'm gonna find that guy and kill him.”  

“You're not the only one”

“Good.” His smirk returned as if he was putting a mask back on. “At least I'll have some company.”

Mai cleared her throat, “I think Ima head out.”

Choso looked at her like he had genuinely forgotten about her. “Oh, you don't have to-”

“No, it's fine.” She said, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

She walked past me as her heels clicked against the floor. The sweet scent of her perfume filled the air until she left. The room suddenly felt bigger. Quieter. The only sound filling the room was the hum of the refrigerator and Yuji's footsteps upstairs. Choso looked at me with his head tilted. The lamp light caught his eyes, making the gleam. He didn't speak for a while and instead just looked.

Then, quietly, “You scared her off.”

“Good”

He shook his head, “Still a menace.”

“Learned it from someone I know.” 

He let that hang in the air. His eyes stayed on me, unreadable. The silence was stretched out but not uncomfortable. More like something was encouraging it. 

I finally said, "You're insufferable.”

“And yet, here you are.”

I didn't have an answer for that.

The silence came back only thicker this time; I could hear my own breathing. He's too. The lamp buzzed, but neither of us could look away. Upstairs, Yuji's footsteps crossed the floor. A door opened, and his voice drifted downstairs, “Y/N, I set up the futon. Come up whenever you're ready.”

I didn't move. 

Choso stood up from the couch, closing the space between us within two steps. He was close enough that I could smell the faint scent of his cologne - warm, woody, familiar.  He reached over my arm, brushing my shoulder. His fingers find the remote on the shelf behind me. He didn't move right away. For a second, he was just close enough that he could see a faint scar on his neck. He pulled back, holding the remote in his hand, hovering over the power button, eyes remaining on me. “Stay as long as you want or dont im not your keeper.”

“Couldve fooled me.”

He smiled, which was soft and different from his usual smirk. “Someone's gotta make sure you're okay, might as well be me.” 

I looked at him. The amber light carved shadows across his face. His posture was lazy, but there was something there as if he was alert underneath. Like he was waiting and meant every word.

I didn't say thank you. More like I didn't have to. He just knew.

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I'm lost among others' voices; I can't find myself. There's no beginning nor end, and their tongues I don't know; and their promises I don't believe, and their daring I don't understand. 

They speak with no sound because I don't hear them even though their lips move, and so they pretend to be understood and for me to surrender to their influence, but who are they? Liars dress up like kings, but their pockets are empty and their gold rusts. They come speaking in riddles and singing the tales of the old days of glory no one was there to witness and no one but them remembers. They laugh and dance as the splinters burn underneath my skin, and it hurts and stings, and my heart violence feeds as I tear my throat conjuring curses in the ancient language of desperation.

Your sweetness I discourage; your softness smells of rot and decay. In your eyes I find the love that's not meant for me, and your mouth is flooded with poison I take in as I breathe.

I crave the love of my mother and the wisdom of my father, I dream of the home that lives in my memory and wherever I run I find no solace because their affection suffocates me. 

I'm undoing in their admiration, flesh bothers me and I squirm underneath it everytime I'm acclaimed, and I'm afraid of the disguise that I have adhered to my body, the one that won't let me speak with honesty, the one that is myself. 

Days go by, and I don't feel them; years don't weigh on my shoulders. That's why I fear the moment of waking up to see my life has faded away, that my body has gone numb and is falling apart, but I'm still the same. 

I fear to recognize that I had never belonged and that I wasted my days dreaming of the place I can never return to because it's already lost in the time flying far away from my reach; that my hands, and feet, and mouth and eyes don't belong to me and when I look into the mirror is a stranger who stares back because the lie is everything I have ever known to be, and I don't recognize my voice when I plea and scream: stop.

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