Bah Its The SHEEP

I'm afraid of loving you like this.

Because I know that in the end,

You'll flush me away.

Like a used condom

No es que ya nunca sonría, ni que jamás vuelva a reír. Es que después de sonreír me acuerde de ti y se me apriete el corazón. Es que este riendo y las lágrimas que salgan entre risas no sean de risa pero de el dolor de no compartir las risas en un mundo contigo. Es que aveces estando sola, solo derrepente me caigo a llorar, por qué ya no estás. Por qué nunca vendrás.

Es el no poder gritar que te extraño enfrente de alguien por temor de que me vean como una vieja loca que se quedó dejada. Es el temor de reír y bailar enfrente de los demás, por el temor de ser juzgada como una puta fría que ya se olvidó de ti.

 I might come back to reply to the sentiment of Sheriff Clarke but I want to address issue by issue the things that the Sheriff says. 

Lets start with the question about “have there been any protest or demonstrations about the shootings in Baton Rouge or Dallas?” Yes. Yes, there have been. Let me start with Dallas. XHamster sent a bunch of pizzas to the DPD to show their solidarity with the police. the Dallas Museum of Art, put up their “Imagine Peace Forever” campaign in the same area that the shootings happened. Hundreds and hundreds of people have shown their outpour of support to the DPD by paying their respect to the murdered officers. And the most important thing of all. Leaders and members of the #BlackLivesMatter movement have condemned these acts publicly and privately over and over again. In Baton Rouge hundreds have shown up to pay their respects to the three murdered officers. So despite what the Sheriff is saying, the community does not condone the murder of police officers. While we are talking about Baton Rouge, I invite you to read more about the reaction of Officer Montrell Jackson to the killing of Alton Sterling a few days before his own murder.

Let’s move on to what the Sheriff’s “message” is. to sum it up, he says, Black Lives Matter is an anti-cop movement that has turned hateful things inside people onto american police officers. Honestly, I’m so put off by this that I just want to stop typing, this is so ridiculous that it honestly, does not deserve an answer, yet here I go, trying to explain it the best I can. Actually, you know what? This is one for Trevor. Trevor, take it away. 

You know, the hardest part of having a conversation surrounding police shootings in America, it always feels like in America, it's like if you take a stand for something, you automatically are against something else, but with police shootings, it shouldn't have to work that way. For instance, if you're pro-Black Lives Matter, you're assumed to be anti-police, and if you're pro-police, then you surely hate black people. When in reality, you can be pro-cop and pro-black, which is what we should all be. 

In a nutshell, BLM is not about being anti-cop, its about holding criminals accountable, even if they are wearing a badge. 

But I do have a question to the Sheriff, if he predicted this two years ago, what did he do to prevent it? What actions did he implement to better the relationship between law enforcement and the communities they serve? Because if there is no action, then he is just what he is talking against. Spreading fear and telling people “Watch out for those Black Lives Matter people, they are here to kill you”. 

Now, the Sheriff refers to “black on black violence”, in debate this is called a red herring, “something, especially a clue, that is or is intended to be misleading or distracting”. No one is saying that violence in black communities (or any communities) should be tolerated. The difference is, that when it comes to those shootings, no one is trying to protect the criminals who commit these murders, they are persecuted and prosecuted to the full extent of the law. On the other hand, over and over again we see police go to extreme lengths to protect officers who abuse and taint their badge. 

May 11th, 2014

I wish we didn't agree on not opening letters until we had written them. I like responding to yours better. Have you ever heard Al Green's ‘Lets Stay Together’? I like that song. I don't have anything huge to confess, I think I've said quite a lot in the last few days, and you've said quite a lot on the last few days, so I think I'm just going to take this moment to tell you how beautiful you are.

You really are, the way you smile, your eyes, your nose. The perkiness of your tits, the roundness of your ass, the size of your hands. The way your hair moves when you brush your hand through it. The way you were when you sat so I could rub lotion on your back... I couldn't help but be amazed at how gorgeous you are. I was stunned thinking that I must be dreaming to have ended up sharing a bed with someone like you.

I like the way you play with your hair on my face when you are on top of me. The quirky smile you give me before kissing me, probably because you can tell I'm in disbelief of such bliss.

[sic]

I could go on forever about the moles on your back. About writing poems on your skin, about singing songs between your breasts. I even think I've lost my sleep because my body doesn't want to sleep if you are not beside me.

[sic]

May 4th, 2014

I don't actually know where to begin this letter. I've been overwhelmed with the bliss of your company. Of sharing with you. Even if every time we say goodbye it’s a little sadder because I become more and more dependent on your presence. I enjoyed going to the used bookstore with you. Looking at old books, seeing pictures of people unknown to us and probably dead by now. It was a fun experience. I enjoyed kissing you in the little manga room, though I was ready to just push you against the wall and just take you there and then.

I enjoy our conversations about neanderthals and how you don't share my view that cops are assholes and that it is true that they target hispanics. It’s more something that I take on as a joke, though I suppose to a degree it is one of those instances that I rather be safe than sorry. Specially since I've had one encounter of "driving while brown" and one of "walking while brown". But that's for another day.

Even with all the bliss of this week, it was a rough week. It was as if the weather of my mind was a little too cloudy. But you made it better. Even our discussions were not too horrible. Including the soccer thing, but what can I say, it is in my blood. Though I really don't play or watch it often. Its still something I enjoy but not to the level that most people seem to. I am most of the time oblivious to it. Except those times mentioned before.

I really do think that having your paper kept as "reference for the future" is damn sexy. It means you are smart and coherent enough to impress someone that is supposed to be impressing other minds. That's fucking sexy. You still have to cook for me though. I still haven't read it. Its been a really lazy day. I tried to get some work done but it just wouldn't happen.

I like cooking. I kinda miss my mother's house because I had collected all these spices and ingredients that I learned to use. And I learned to use all these pots that were there. Specially the seasoned skillet that became my favorite. I miss having a good knife, but cooking is nice either way. That is one of the things that I hope for wherever I live. I want a big kitchen and a big bathroom. I seem to spend most of my time in either one of those places. Though... I suppose I'd want a big bedroom too? Though it won't be used for sleeping.

I miss my books, though I finally got back my kindle and my Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, so things are a little better. There's been an urge itching at me, and hopefully things start to go takeoff, not between us, I think that has indeed taken off, but just around me in general. I think I am at that point after liftoff where things could go terribly wrong or fantastically right. So, its an anxious yet exciting point.

I'm looking forward for this week that hopefully we will be seeing each other a bit more. Though the aftereffect might be a little rough. Like when you go in vacation to a fantastic place and then you have to come back and start routine again and everything seems a little less bright. But, I can't wait to be able to just lay there with you talking and watching tv. Maybe reading and drinking tea or coffee.

I had a lovely time yesterday, just sitting there watching the movie. Then proceeding to not watching the movie. Having you completely exposed sitting in front of me... Being able to see the patches of skin that make you. Holding your breasts between my hands, having you lunge at my neck like a hungry vampire and being completely immobilized like helpless prey.

How could that ever be a sin?

It's however the little things that are the most amazing, no? laying there with you afterwards, your face so close to mine yet not doing anything. Looking at you and every time you opened your eyes you'd smile. I had never found sense in those little "love games" that couples play, but with you they make sense. The teasing, the feeding each other. Those things that seemed tachy, with you they are just great.

However, there are still things that I want to do with you. I want to take you to museums, I want to show you things that I think you'll enjoy. I want to take you to see John Green (I know... probably won't happen). I want to go to the park and just sit and read and talk. I want to massage your shoulders without pretending anything else to happen. I want to be alone with you while we are surrounded by everyone else.

I saw that your letter came in, and I'm dying to read it. So I will stop here my dear and go fish at your thoughts.

April 27th, 2014

You sent "my love" on a text and I freaked out a bit but at the same time it felt nice. I like that we haven’t said the L word (”not lesbians, the other L word, Scott”). I feel like that like a kiss it should be said until you can't hold it in any longer. I'm sorry that shit has been so stressing lately, with you being sick and me not being able to drive to see you. It really saddens me. It seems like such a one way relationship and I hate that. Hopefully that will change sometime soon. Thank you for visiting when I was not at my best, it can be hard dealing with me sometimes... well more than usually, and I know that can be pretty devastating. But your remedy seemed to work pretty well and I enjoyed just having your body pressed to mine just laying there. I loved your hair, too. I loved dancing in the kitchen with you, and your face at the thought that someone had seen us through the kitchen window.

I am glad we are making plans, I like that. I want to see places with you. I want to go to places I've never been to, with you. I want you to leave your stain in those memories so that I will think of you when I remember them. I want to spend the night holding you. Get drunk on the night sky and make our way back to a room and just kiss and kiss until we can no longer move and we lay victorious in bed. 

I'm scared to what is to come, because things will change course during the summer, I don't know what its in store, but I hope we make it through. Thank you for who I am when I'm with you. And thank you for making me look up what a sesame pod looks like.

April 20th, 2014

I've never seen someone off at an airport before. It was weird, and nice, and  I thought it meant something. And on Monday I am going to be there waiting for you, I don't think I've ever waited for someone at the airport before. Well, at least not like this. I can't tell you how I'll feel, because I don't know. All I know is that I will have flowers, but that's about all I know. 

One time, when I was in boarding school I went home on holiday and the trip home was about 8 hours. So, I would sleep and try to just let the road go as fast as possible, always calculating how long it would take before I had to get off. But this one time, I completely knocked out on the bus. And I must have been very tired because everyone got off the bus and I didn't awake. Usually after the city I got off at, the bus would continue traveling a couple of hours to another city. By some play of fate, it just so happened that my town was the last stop for that particular bus. I must have been asleep for a good twenty minutes or so, because no one came until my dad got worried about what had happened and made the security come check the terminal. Anyway, it was kind of funny, I really don't know where I was going with that.

[sic]

I've missed you terribly these last days, I've dreamt of you almost every night. I've woken and thought of you every morning. And the missing is increased by the recent release from trying to conceal how much I care about you, how much I want you. It has been increased by not being able to hear your voice, by not being able to feel your tongue in my mouth... god... its been over a week since I've felt your tongue in my mouth... Its been increased because Gabo is dead and you are not here so that I may write poetry on your skin. I miss you terribly [sic]. I am like the fox and you my prince and you have tamed me and I am missing you. I will stop writing now, because I am a little heartbroken that you didn't answer my call and that I am missing your letter. Tomorrow we begin production for the short film. I'm really excited. I am going to buy for you the first flower I got you, not the white flowers for your step mom, the pink peonies that we were told were "roses". It just so happens to be the flowers that we are using on the film (they are very historical flowers, I find it appropriate that they were the first flower we shared)

April 5th, 2014

I think I should start with "holy shit... I asked you out..." I thought it was really funny, but I really do like you, but again, no pressure. I really like the way we are right now, and I like that you feel comfortable. I enjoy talking with you til 3AM without pretension just because we want to talk. Some french chef once said, "You can know how good of a lover a man is by how well he makes an omelette, because just like making love, making an omelette is all in the hands", since that day, omelettes have become my breakfast specialty.

Third Date:I spent ten minutes hurrying through flowers at the shop, trying to find something that wasn't too romantic because it was just something "casual" but at the same time I didn't want something that was just ordinary. I saw that they had tulips [sic] but all of them were just buds. I ended up going with white flowers because they looked nice and I was already late. The car didn't stall once, by the way... I enjoyed meeting your parents, they are nice. Your dad kind of threw me off when he said, "I'm just Randy, not Mr. Randy or Mr. Butler" and I was just like "*smile* OK!" and panicked inside. 

I liked shopping with you, even if you made fun of my sense of fashion... That was the first time I've had duck, and it couldn't have had been more perfect. I was kind of nervous about it because I knew it was a place you really liked and I would have had hated to not like it. And I'm just going to skip everything else because I loved being with you in the town square. And not just for the obvious reason that I fucking enjoy kissing you, caressing you, and looking at you. Because I was with you in a place that I really liked, a place that reminds me of the places I grew in that had giant town squares that surrounded themselves at night with cart vendors serving cotton candy, corn in a cup, these little flour puffs that we love everywhere in Mexico. It reminded me of the closest thing that I have to something called home and that I had not found anywhere else in this country other than New Orleans, and you had been the one that had shown it to me. In that moment I was happy without anything in the back of my mind, I was just there with you, eating gelato and nothing else. Thank you, thank you so much for that.

I was reading the other day an article for a class about the art of marginalia, and it said something about how books become truly ours after reading them, marking them, folding them. That as we read them and mark them we leave something of us in them. And it reminded me of you, and I wrote you this:

I want to read you like my favorite book, I want to mark my favorite parts your skin with the highlighter of my lips. I want to leave my annotations in your lips, your ears, on your neck and your wrists. I want to read your thighs with my hands. I want to know you the way I know the stories of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, I want you to make me daydream like they do. I want to belong to you the way I belong to them. I want to fold your back like the corner of my favorite pages. When I kiss you and get lost in the story of your lips as if they were a classic Jane Austen. I have to stop writing now before I exhale myself to ecstasy.

Anyway, that's what had me so carnal the other day, the desire to try out this way of experiencing you. Which brought me to my favorite book, Le petit prince by Antoine de St. Exupery. It is written by a pilot that got lost in the Sahara desert. It is about a prince that travels the galaxy in search for a friend. It is a children's book that is aimed at adults and one of the most extraordinary, ordinary pieces of literature there is. I ought to read it again, slowly.

[sic]

I am going to end in a bit of a gloom note, and I apologize, I wanted to say this today but I couldn't find the right way. As I said, both of my grandparents died from smoking related illness, one from a heart attack the other from lung cancer. Lung cancer was what killed my paternal grandfather, I was close to him but not awfully close, he fought the cancer for about a year before it finally did him in. But the thing is, it was not something horrible, it was painful, yes. However, he got to say goodbye to everyone he loved, he got to make amendments, and most of all, he just got to spend time with his family. It gave me a different perspective about it. In a way it can be something that changes you because you appreciate those around you a little more. Anyway, my point is, I know its hard and I'm with you in the best way I can, but I want to say to you, spend time with your grandmother, tell her how much you love her, share with her things that maybe she doesn't know you think about her. I'll end with saying that medical technology is much better than it was 10 years ago, and that cancer is no longer a death sentence. I hope for the best for your grandmother.

March 31, 2014