occasionally commits arson, but also it's my name

"If you smile too much you'll get laugh lines!!!!!" what a horrible curse, to be afraid of having happiness permanently placed onto your body

Reading comics is a lot like reading fanfiction, in the sense that I can pick up a story and immediately say “wtf [insert character here] would never say that” except instead of being written by a fifteen year-old girl in her notes app it is written by the actual adult writers who are getting paid to write this

Shout-out to girlies who don't use any product on their horns and talons. "Yeah I only use a buffing wax and a gentle calcite oil, plus screener if I'm going to be in the sun" no, fuck that. This is about people who let the water stains stick and aren't afraid of fading. The obsession with looking like you're still in your 100s is so toxic and like. Who cares if you're 340 and one horn is slightly darker than the other. Gore anyone who gives you shit about it

The millennial litmus test for sexuality was 100% Pirates of the Caribbean. I was 13 when the first movie came out. Literally everyone walked into that movie having been lured there by the attractiveness of Orlando Bloom in LOTR. The truly straight girls had been drawn in by his entry-level attractiveness and walked out lusting over the significantly older and manlier Jack Sparrow. The others had been unconsciously drawn in by Legolas's femininity and walked out with their eyes opened and lusting over Keira Knightley.

Cowboys are witches and horses are their familiars

guns are their wands and they only know one spell (bullet)

“Look, the number of murders I’ve committed has no bearing on my desire for human companionship and the amount of cuddling I should receive.”

“Everypony” <== pisses everyone off.  flawless

"Friends, enemies, and those still under review"

“OI! THE LOT OF YOU.” <—succinct, to the point, effective. 

"Attention K-Mart Shoppers" <- qualifies as vintage

"ok listen you fuckin nerds" <- inclusive, tells them exactly how you feel about speaking to them, an attention grabber.

I’m going to say it. The (word in parentheses) meme is way better for tone indication than tone indicators

Tony Hawk is probably the best evidence that people would never recognize Clark Kent as Superman in real life.