World throug my eyes

give all bosses health meters

anyways good night i’m gonna go indulge in my unrealistic romantic fantasies until i fall asleep

wondering if i will sneeze today

keep us posted

no.  its none of your business

There is no way this is a porno

This is the best porno there has ever been.

The way he says “HEY WHAT THE FUCK” shaped me as a person

you can have 14 pancakes or 132 there is no inbetween

“do you think i research my comments” is the funniest thing i have ever heard a straight person say im gonna say it all the time 

Cishet: *sees a color* what is this gay shit

@overthinking-bitchface bruh, women are slick these days.

My boss, who is a grown woman with children my age, just whispered, “Oh, this is going to be so fucking efficient,” before spraying Febreze directly into the ceiling fan and proceeding to cough her guts out when it blew back in her face.

This is the closest gif that can really capture the utter chaotic energy that is released when people hear this song

My favorite misunderstanding I’ve had to clear up so far was a Japanese person asking me about the word “fuck”. Because apparently someone had told him if he said “fuck” in America that he might be killed on the spot. Which I think is the funniest lie that I’ve ever heard

damn how brave was he feeling when he asked you that

earlier this year 2 boys got expelled from my school for going on a teachers email and sending another teacher an email that says “you’re a disgusting little man” and i laugh about it all the time because imagine opening an email from your coworker and thinking it’s important and then it says that

People often say they hope their deceased pet dog is chasing squirrels in doggy heaven… what did all of those squirrels do to deserve an afterlife of torment?

Dog heaven is also squirrel hell it’s a very efficient system.

i can’t stop fucking laughing at the thought of squirrels sinning so much in the mortal plane that they have to be sent to squirrel hell to atone

They know that the bird feeder isn’t meant for them