B“H

imagine cloth mother and wire mother in family court competing for custody of the baby monkey

I Have Softness For You

i have milk for you

Stop.

Cut the baby monkey in half

I love dressing the Torah. I need one of those little 2000s-era doll dress-up games but it's dressing a Torah scroll

Found an earthworm so big I had to say a bracha.

In 12 years of school, not once has a teacher pronounced my last name correctly on their first try. It's one fucking syllable

hey can anyone tell me where i can get chad gadya for two zuzim? seems like a really cheap price for this day and age but i heard from Hashem who heard from the angel of death who heard from the shochet who heard from the ox who heard from the water who heard from the fire who heard from the stick who heard from the dog who heard from the cat who heard from the goat that someone's father bought that goat for just two zuzim

panties that say THE ZIONIST ENTITY. matching bra that says ZIONIST ENTITTIES

You guys are not listening either!! i need the UNHINGED takes the CRAZY ones

When my dad was feeling Done with the week, he would light candles, open my mom's usual evening beer, say haGafen over the hops in it, haMotzi over the grain in it, give us two sips, and be done with declaring Shabbat.

I was today years old when I learned that hops grows on vines!

Netilat yadayim should be done with lathered soap for as long as it takes to sing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” and hand sanitizer should be an acceptable alternative

I disagree mainly because I'm certain there MUST be a psalm or something we can say instead that's a similar length of time

I feel like Psalm 51 would be thematically correct! What do you reckon?

American Jew option: kiddush over hamburger because ketchup

Disagree on the vine thing because a gefen is a specific type of vine, botanically. Yes, watermelons and pumpkins and cucumbers and tomatoes vine, but those are single-season, herbaceous vines. Whereas grape vines are woody vines, which put out new vegetative growth each year and the fruit grows on the second+ year wood. AFAIK vitis spp. are the only ones to do this (blackberries/raspberries are canes or brambles, not vines, and they only fruit the second year). So much like bananas grow on trees but they're halachically not pri ha'eitz because not wood, tomatoes grow on vines but they're halachically not pri hagefen because not wood.

prev changing "from" to "frum" is such a funny typo on a shabbat post lmao

Oh nooo

My quite possibly only flex is that when I type "cha" into my search bar, it autofills chabad.org and not ChatGPT.

Tradition says that Torah is the blueprint of the Universe. The weekly parshah is often believed to reflect current events (personal, national/all Israel, or worldwide). This was the first time that really hit home for me.