Basics.

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You’ve probably read this title and thought ‘Christ, he really likes Big Brother too much’ and you’d be correct. I definitely do. There’s no denying that. But I would add that you probably think Big Brother is just a trashy, meaningless reality show and I’m afraid to tell you that you’re wrong about that. You have probably come to that conclusion as a result of extreme reality saturation. Reality as a genre is now almost exclusively easy to watch trash that washes over you and you forget about a few days later. Big Brother is entirely responsible for all of it existing but I don’t believe it should be judged the same way as its spawn. BB is the original and it should be treated with respect (yes Channel 5, I’m talking to you). At one time in the UK, Big Brother was the biggest show on television. It was on the front pages of national newspapers and magazines. Housemates became household names. It was watched by four times the amount of people that watched the Love Island final this July. It changed the way TV was made. Before Big Brother, we didn’t have shows where the public called up and voted people off. It wasn’t a thing. Big Brother is the original reality show. The greatest of all time. A show with so many iconic scenes and characters, no other reality can even come close. Try arguing a case against a show that gave you Nasty Nick’s confrontation, Helen and Paul’s romance, Jade Goody’s verruca meltdown, Fight Night, Michelle and Chicken Stu under the table, Kinga and her bottle, Nikki Grahame’s diary room rants. If we go over to CBB, it gave you George Galloway being a cat, “Yeah, Jackie”, Tiffany Pollard believing David Gest had died in the house. No other show could produce moments like this.  So why is it being cancelled at the end of this series? Well, nobody is watching it anymore. Has the show changed? Yes, a bit. But not really. The basic premise has always been there for 19 series. What’s changed a lot more is society. We are a very different country to what we were in the year 2000. People have much shorter attention spans and have come to expect shows to be heavily produced and edited. Big Brother is still essentially the same show it always was but it has changed and I’m going to tell you how while also hopefully reminding you why the show is so incredibly important and why it’s an absolute travesty that it’s been thrown on the scrap heap without anyone caring. Series 1 began on the 18th of July 2000. Ten people went into a house, and the first few weeks bubbled away without much fuss, viewers were steadily increasing as people became interested in loud and confrontational characters like Caroline and Nicola and a burgeoning romance between Andy and Mel. We could spy on people living their lives. After years of having to covertly peak through the net curtains or put a glass to the wall to spy on the neighbours, we could do it openly in our homes and then get rid of anyone that was annoying us by calling up and voting them out. The show didn’t take long to become a national talking point. After 35 days, Nick Bateman was ejected from the house for cheating. For weeks leading up, he had been secretly writing names on pieces of paper and showing them to other housemates in an attempt to sway their nominations. The public had also watched him make up stories about things like his wife dying in a car accident and he’d become the most hated man in Britain. On his final day, the other housemates had confronted him, led by Craig who eventually won the show. Nick was on the front pages, he made the show a massive hit, everyone was talking about it.  The second series was eagerly anticipated and was full of much of the same arguments and controversy. The show was streamed 24 hours a day on E4 and a sister show began called Big Brother’s Little Brother which would lead to the ‘sister show’ becoming a genre of its own and being a staple of pretty much every reality and talent show on TV. Brian Dowling won the second series after being adorable and hilarious for 64 days. His win told me, a gay 13 year old boy, that young, gay men could be accepted for who they are by millions and that was invaluable to me. Big Brother literally changed my life, so forgive me if I get defensive about it. It’s more than a TV show to me. Over 19 years, it has taught me so much about human interaction, about accepting people for who they are and about a whole host of controversial issues. Watching a house full of different adults every year from the age of 12... I can’t even imagine how many things the show taught me. It’s almost certainly shaped a huge part of me and my personality. Week one of the third series brought the first ever nominations twist as the public were asked to nominate two housemates and then the housemates would decided which one to evict. Of the two that were up, the housemates chose to evict Lynne who had actually received the second highest number of the votes. Who had the highest number of votes to leave after one week? Jade Goody. Sort of proves that letting the public vote for anything might have been a huge mistake all along. Jade Goody would later become the biggest star the show has ever produced. Jade’s story is one of the most fascinating stories in British pop culture history and I’m astounded it hasn’t been made into a film. She made the series unmissable and I believe she’s one of the all time greats. BB3 also gave us Allison Hammond who now presents on This Morning along with a load of other stuff and Adele Roberts who hosts the Radio 1 early morning breakfast show. This series was the most crazy yet, with more twists and turns than before and a more volatile mix of housemates.  Following the insanity of BB3, the show tried to get back to basics with its cast and the people chosen were a bit less manic. This was the first huge misstep for BB. It’s a risky format, there’s always a chance that your housemates just aren’t going to work. Always a chance they’ll all pretty much just get on and have a nice life in the house. This is another reason why I love Big Brother. There’s always a risk that it could be a shit series. Sure, producers can intervene and try to spice the show up but, what I’ve learned over the years is, that if it’s a shit series then it just can’t be saved. If those housemates aren’t right then nothing you throw at them is going to fix the problem. BB4 was one of those years, it was perfectly pleasant but entirely uneventful. So Big Brother 5 had to win everyone back. A lot of people had given up on BB4 but the show was still young enough to stir up interest when it came around again the following year. They’d learnt from last year and were telling us that Big Brother was “going evil”. The house was pumped full of loud, opinionated and diverse people. Big Brother was harsher and meaner than ever before. The show was exciting again. The huge argument that is now known as ‘Fight Night’ was one of the show’s landmark moments. Security was sent in to diffuse the situation. The police were called by concerned viewers at home. Housemates were screaming and shouting in each other’s faces. Tension that had been bubbling under the surface for weeks had erupted and it was absolutely amazing to watch. I was watching the live feed on E4 that night and despite mostly only getting to see shots of the garden and hearing the familiar sound of birdsong, the little snippets I was able to see were genuinely thrilling. Big Brother 5 was won by Nadia Almada, the first trans housemate ever. Following Brian’s win a few years earlier, this cemented Big Brother’s important place in the LGBT world. No other show has shown quite as many varied types of queer people in this country. And it doesn’t just show them, it lets an audience get to know them. Nadia didn’t win because she was trans. She won because she had been an incredible housemate. Seeing the leaps and bounds trans rights have made in recent years has been amazing but let’s remember how out of the ordinary it was to see a trans person on mainstream TV in 2004. Not a drag queen like Lily Savage or someone wheeled out on Jerry Springer for a cheap laugh. We got to see a real trans person on mainstream national TV and it can’t be understated how healthy that was for our country and culture. BB was now back on track as BB6 came along and was just as great as BB5 had been, probably better. We had legends like Makosi and Kemal, Craig and Antony’s fascinating friendship and fiery characters like Science, Maxwell, Roberto and Derek to keep the drama going for the whole summer. Kinga and her bottle will probably be the most memorable moment from the series but the whole three months were exceptional. Big Brother 7 was more of the same. Another amazing mix of housemates including Pete, Nikki, Richard, Lea, Aisleyne and Glyn. But BB7 is where things started to take a turn. This series had 22 housemates overall. That is too many housemates. One thing that hardly ever saves a series is throwing in more housemates and BB7 added 8 people across three different twists. Not only that but a very late twist allowing the public to put their favourite evicted housemate back in was the first time BB messed with one of it’s fundamental format points, “Who goes, you decide”. The public had paid to evict Nikki and then she was allowed back in. If that wasn’t bad enough, when she did return she was a lot more knowing, she’d seen how hilarious the public found her tantrums so she was playing up to that and it wasn’t the same. Nikki is one of the greatest housemates of all time but I think letting anyone back in when they’ve been evicted by the public just isn’t right. I would say, though a fantastic series, that BB7 was the beginning of the end for Big Brother as a cultural talking point. The minute they messed with those BB fundamentals, the whole format was up for grabs, they could mess around with anything, the public lose sight of what the show is about when you’re changing the rules all the time. So BB8 came along and was perfectly acceptable. I would argue that it had far too many knowing housemates. Chanelle made several blatant attempts at becoming the new Nikki with some excruciatingly exaggerated tantrums. We had out first ever BB superfan housemate in Brian Belo. We had a weird twist where they only put women in for the first week. Completely pointless. Looking back, there were so many examples of BB losing its way in this series. BB7 had created a small puncture and BB8 was failing to contain the water damage. Then BB9 came along and added several more punctures. I hate Big Brother 9. I think it’s trashy and gross. It’s grubby. The house was full of incredibly unlikeable characters along with some entirely forgettable ones. It was all so crude and unpleasant. There was an incident where Dennis spat in Mohammed’s face and was ejected. There was Alexandra threatening people with her gang friends on the outside. There was Mikey who was vile. Rex who was horrible. Darnell who later appeared in porn with Bex from this series and Billi from BB8. Just grubby and, for me, not what Big Brother should be about. Everyone was crass and loud and fame hungry and dreadful. BB is accused of being that all the time but for 80% of the time, it isn’t. Sadly, this series lived up to critics perceptions and it was awful. I’d say the only good thing BB9 did was give us Lisa Appleton who I am still obsessed with. I could look at pictures of her putting the bins out whilst eating a saveloy all day. After BB9, Big Brother had lost the public. BB9 was the one that stuck a knife in Big Brother’s cultural significance. The show never recovered. Big Brother 10 was a vast improvement but nobody knew because ratings went down by a third. It’s amazing that BB10 was actually on Channel 4. Although I guess ITV keep chucking The Voice and The X Factor on air and nobody cares about those. Telly is weird. BB10 was great, it toned down on the vile people and we had a bunch of genuinely interesting people. It wasn’t as fast paced as the previous 5 series which was actually a relief. The balance was right again but by this point Big Brother was far from the only reality show around. Structured reality was creeping in and BB couldn’t compete with faked storylines. The public’s attention span for watching a bunch of fairly nice people make a few friends, have a few bust ups and a couple of romances just wasn’t there. Society had changed and Big Brother had been left behind. Channel 4 then announced it was cancelling the show. Nobody was particularly surprised. BB11 would be the last series of all time which actually got ratings up slightly. I loved Big Brother 11. Shabby and Caoimhe’s unrequited love storyline was the first we’d seen between two girls. BB superfan Mario being picked at random from a huge group of hopefuls on launch night was great and his task at being BB’s secret mole while having to dress as a mole and wear a sign saying “I am a mole’ showed that BB was back to being silly and fun. There was a talking chest of drawers that gave housemates secret tasks and plenty of really great, imaginative and fun tasks throughout. BB had finally shown what sort of show it could be but, sadly, it was too late. The series’ winner Josie Gibson was one of the best winners BB had and her relationship with the fascinating John James was amazing to watch. To see a handsome, toned, blonde, Australian surfer guy fall for a normal, plus-sized girl from a Bristol farm was something that only Big Brother could give you.  Then we had an underwhelming Ultimate Big Brother which was deservedly won by Ultimate Housemate Brian Dowling and BB was gone. I was sad to see it go but I understood why and looked forward to its inevitable return a few years down the line. But then Channel 5 came knocking and the show was reborn. Now, I’m grateful to C5 for giving the show a second chance and brining us a new era of BB. They took Celebrity Big Brother and ran with it, creating a huge number of iconic telly. Kim Woodburn, Perez Hilton, Gemma Collins and so many more completely insane celebrities have made TV gold on C5′s version of CBB and it has been amazing. But, much as I love CBB, my heart is with Civilian and I’m not sure it has ever been quite right on Channel 5. The moment it first began, things were different. The editing, the music, the way the housemates names would constantly come up like I was watching an episode of TOWIE. Big Brother was finally trying to fit in with the modern crowd of reality shows and it looked like an embarrassing dad trying to hang out with the cool kids. Just be yourself, BB. All the show ever needed to be was itself and things would have been fine, this year’s series has proved that. Unfortunately, the show just became less and less itself and completely lost its way. One thing I will say about C5 is that Emma Willis and Rylan Clark-Neal have been absolutely incredible. They both love Big Brother as much as the fans and it’s so appreciated. After a shaky start with poor old Brian Dowling hosting, Emma took his place and did Davina proud. Of course Davina McCall will always be THE host of Big Brother but Emma has done a perfect job and made the role her own. Rylan has been a brilliant Bit On The Side host. Following Dermot O’Leary and Russell Brand as BB sister show hosts is not an easy task but Rylan has been just as wonderful as both of them. Davina, Dermot, Russell, Emma and Rylan all did amazing jobs hosting BB and BB related shows and I’m thrilled to have been there with them the whole time. Of course, there have been moments of greatness on C5. It’s Big Brother for goodness sake. I enjoyed Aaron winning the first C5 series and being the first winner to be booed when he left. I enjoyed Luke A showing everyone that trans men exist too and becoming the second trans winner. I enjoyed a lot and I never stopped watching. The first three series on C5 sort of passed everyone by, including me really. I watched them and enjoyed them but I wasn’t hugely fussed. Then Big Brother 14 happened and BB lost itself completely. Firstly, Zoe Birkett from Pop Idol was in civilian Big Brother. There had literally been dozens of far less famous people than her in the celebrity version. Due to the success of CBB, C5 were clearly mixing the two together and it was awful. The housemates were now being scouted. We had the same people who were also trying to get on X Factor, The Apprentice, Britain’s Got Talent etc etc. People that just want to be on telly. NOT people who want to be on Big Brother.  One of those people was the odious Helen Wood. One of the most poisonous and vile people ever to step foot in that house. Due to an insanely misjudged opening week task, Helen won a pass to the final. This meant that her bullying and nasty behaviour was left unpunished for weeks. Nobody could nominate her. Decent people were stuck in a house with her and it was genuinely unpleasant to watch. Without the pass, she would have been evicted very quickly but with it she was able to gain popularity with people who found her bullying “entertaining” and she ended up winning the show. It was BB’s lowest point. The next year, the house was full of reality TV rejects again. It was a weird series and BB seemed to be changing the rules all over the place. Twists were thrown in at an alarming rate. Someone was evicted on the first night. Then on Day 18, 4 housemates were evicted and replaced by another 4... essentially starting the series again because the entire house dynamic changed. This was unbelievably alienating for viewers and it went down terribly. It was completely dreadful. Then, as if the series wasn’t enough of a mess, they put Helen Wood back in the house as a guest. Helen spent her time being vile again, to the point where Brian Belo (another guest) escaped after she drove him to tears. Afterwards, Helen ended up having some sort of fight backstage and she’s since been banned from all BB shows and events. Quite right too. Mental that they ever put her back in. BB17 was a slight improvement but it was still full of reality show rejects and still had weird twists like letting Jason evict Lateysha without a public vote. Madness. But the series did feel like BB was finding its way again and I enjoyed it more than I had for a while. Then we had BB18. I really really liked BB18. Unfortunately, the house probably had the most reality rejects it’s ever had. With about half the house having been on Ex On The Beach or Ibiza Weekender. All these crappy cheap reality shows clearly being the easiest place to grab a housemate from. Easier for producers than sitting through thousands of audition tapes, I suppose! Anyway, despite this, the series was pretty great. Going back to the classic two bedrooms created two camps and I absolutely love BB when it feels like there are two camps. We had Rose Cottage and Thorn Cottage and I was fully Team Thorn all the way. Brilliant housemates like Raph, Hannah, Deborah, Chanelle and Isabelle really made the show watchable again and I loved it. It still had a lot of flaws but it was a really enjoyable series and I was so pleased to see so many of Thorn Cottage in the final week. Then the wait for BB19 began. It was a longer wait than usual as we all heard rumours than Channel 5 didn’t want BB anymore. Celeb BB ended and then another came around and still there hadn’t been a civilian series. The second CBB had been pretty great and BB fans had high copes that the next civilian would deliver and be what we’ve hoped for for such a long time. Then the news broke on the day of launch night. Channel 5 were cancelling Big Brother and Celebrity Big Brother. Big Brother 19 would be the last series ever. The news was upsetting but not surprising, it was only made worse when BB19 started and it was so instantly incredible. The housemates had been chosen properly and they were great, the launch night had so many nods to the old days, the house looked wonderful and the launch night twist introducing Big Coins to the game was amazing. Then we were blessed with so many brilliant and inventive tasks. The show was back doing what it should have been doing the whole time. But AGAIN, it was too late. For the second time, BB had been axed and then decided to pull its socks up and be brilliant. Why does it always have to be too late? I’ve loved this final series. There have been one or two issues towards the end but ultimately it’s been a really brilliant bunch of housemates who I think have been worthy of possibly being the final people to call the Big Brother house home.  So now it’s gone and I can get on with my life. BB does take up a lot of my time when it’s on and I have watched every single series since the year 2000. That’s a lot of time so part of me is glad, I won’t lie. If it comes back though, I’ll be here and I’ll watch it because I’m a FAN. Being a proper fan of Big Brother means you don’t give up when it’s dull or when the producers seem to be losing their minds or when the rest of the country moves on to Love Island. We love Big Brother, not the genre it spawned or the countless, meaningless reality shows that wouldn’t exist without it. People often label me a ‘reality TV fan’ but I’m not. I just love Big Brother, that’s all. It’s the original and it will always be the best. People may say it’s not what it used to be but those people aren’t watching it anymore so I’ve no idea how they could possibly know. The show has always been the same deep down. It’s about watching and connecting with a bunch of strangers for a few months. Loving them, hating them, learning from them, feeling for them and generally being fascinated by the different ways that human beings interact. There are now hundreds of shows like it but none of those shows do it quite like Big Brother does it.  Big Brother is a very special television programme and I love it unashamedly. It’s gone for now but I have a feeling that one day, Big Brother will get back to us.

This years Best Actor category sees three of the most renowned actors up against two brand news ones. Acting heavyweights Daniel Day Lewis, Denzel Washington and Gary Oldman take on new kids on the block Daniel Kaluuya and Timothée Chalamet. I am a huge fan of Call Me By Your Name, for which Timothée is nominated. I also find him impossibly attractive. These aren’t particularly the reasons I believe he deserves this award. Though they certainly help. Firstly, I feel like this is a year of change in the industry. Best Actor is almost always won by someone who has ‘earned their stripes’ but why? Why does that have to be the case? I’ve heard a few people saying that Timothée can win an Oscar later when he’s done more films. Why not now? The amazing job he did playing Elio isn’t any less good just because he’s 22 and hasn’t proved himself in other films. This year, of all years, should be the year that this award is won by someone from the new generation. The generation of men that isn’t going to sit back and enjoy the privilege given to them at birth without questioning it. Then there is the portrayal of Elio itself. Part of me believes that Elio is still out there somewhere in Northern Italy. Timothée brought that character to life so well that I honestly feel as though he’s a real person. The mannerisms alone deserve recognition. I’ve seen bits and pieces of Timothée in interviews since and it’s become even more apparent that he’s different to Elio. Of course, it’s the job of an actor to play a character and not be themselves but I feel like the way Timothée completely inhabits the character of Elio in Call Me By Your Name is something I’ve not seen often in film. Then there’s the added fact that he learned Italian for the film along with learning the piano and guitar. He effectively became Elio for this role, taking on all the skills that make the character that bit more impressive. It’s Elio’s skills in language and music that stop us from thinking he’s just a stupid teenager. He’s got more to him than that and Timothée made sure he had those attributes too. Gary Oldman will almost certainly win Best Actor tonight and I’ve not written this to shit on him. I think his performance in Darkest Hour is fantastic. That doesn’t change the fact that Churchill is hardly new ground. He’s been played before and Oldman’s portrayal, while impressive, gives us nothing new. It would be Oldman’s first Oscar, which is one of the only reasons I’d still be happy to see him win. He was friends with Bowie and he’s Big Mo’s brother. I can’t begrudge him winning an Oscar but Timothée deserves it far more.

I know that’s a question that none of us ever thought would be asked by anyone sane. But that’s where we are in Walking Dead land. To be fair, the comics are still the best version of The Walking Dead that exists but on TV alone, it’s Fear The Walking Dead that’s consistently (ish) impressive while The Walking Dead limps along like a particularly disfigured walker. So what’s happened? Let’s start with the positives about Fear The Walking Dead: Almost every character has a clear reason for being there. They have personalities. You know what their motivations are. Each one has their own plan for survival and each one wrestles with morals. They can go from being the hero to the bad guy in an episode and that’s so much more interesting than a clear hero/villain divide. It’s realistic. The story moves fairly rapidly. There’s some inevitable stalling but that’s a result of America’s insane 16 episode seasons that are just TOO LONG. In general, Fear does a great job of moving things on, killing off characters and introducing new and complex elements to The Walking Dead world. For instance, killing Jake in the last season was something you can’t imagine The Walking Dead doing. He was handsome, fairly charismatic and a very obvious hero for the future. To kill him before his evil brother is so bold and so against what audiences are used to having shoved down their throats. The fact that Troy died later on was a shame, I thought. I quite liked the idea of having someone so nasty and unhinged sticking with the group for a while. The 5 main characters of Strand, Madison, Nick, Alicia and Daniel are fantastic. Each one is so different and so complex. Not a single one of them can be described as a hero. Alicia is probably the one that’s done the least bad things so far but even she isn’t anywhere near as heroic as half the cast on The Walking Dead. It’s refreshing. The show has it’s drawbacks, particularly in the fun stakes. I’d say the one thing The Walking Dead gets right almost every time is the light relief. Fear is often a much more serious affair and that can become slightly draining, along with making you feel more removed from the characters. But considering where The Walking Dead is with characters at the moment....Fear is doing a far better job. So let’s talk about The Walking Dead: We’re two episodes into season 8 and so far it’s the same old stuff. The first episode was ok. It was full of action and kicked the war off nicely. I didn’t see the need for those flash forwards at all though, they didn’t fit with the episode and told us nothing interesting about the future. The second episode was much worse. I sort of enjoyed everyone doing their separate plans but I’m also completely unsure why it took so long to see. Those scenes could have been done in ten minutes. Another issue with the madness of having 16 episodes. Everything is drawn out. We were expected to care about Eric being shot in the stomach. The show has given us NO reason to care about him. He’s been on the show since season 5. We are now in season 8 and we have no idea who Eric is. He’s been on this show for longer than Shane or The Governor were. There has been time to make us care about Eric. The writers think killing him off is going to be some big emotional moment. It’s just not. He might have been part of the group for a while but he’s just as important as the nameless members of The Kingdom. The Walking Dead does this A LOT. Killing off people we don’t care about and acting as if we should give a shit. Fair enough, The Walking Dead has a MUCH bigger cast and I really do appreciate that it’s tough to juggle character development for such a big cast and keep the action going. But you either have to get it right or cut that cast down. The comics have the luxury of a huge cast because they are comics. I wouldn’t have felt cheated out of anything if the show had decided not to bother with The Kingdom. Yeah there would have been a load of babies crying over the fact that we didn’t get to see a tiger but it would have saved a lot of time and energy if we hadn’t bothered with them. Do we need Tara? Do we need Rosita? Do we need Aaron and Eric? There’s 4 off the top of my head that could easily go. I actually quite like Tara and Rosita as characters but they’re just not important. Tara doesn’t even exist in the comics. The cast is too big. Get rid of these people. This latest episode had so much nonsense in it. There was a woman that essentially just let a walker bite her in the neck. She just stood there as it came towards her. Why did that happen? It’s little things like that which really irritate me. Then we had Jesus be tricked by that man who pretended to wet himself. Jesus isn’t that stupid. The show is so good sometimes and has the most wonderful history. Why ruin it by having characters do things like that? Same as last week when Gabriel found himself trapped with Negan. Gabriel had a gun. Negan had a baseball bat. YOU LITERALLY CAME HERE TO KILL NEGAN AND HIS MEN. But he didn’t just shoot him immediately... I hate that. Obviously, I don’t want Negan to die, it’s just another example of an entirely unbelievable situation. Speaking of Negan. He’s turning out to be the most divisive figure in Walking Dead history. I genuinely thought his arrival would save the show. He’s by far the best thing in the comics so it made sense that he was finally coming to breathe new life into the show. For some reason, it didn’t happen. Maybe because of that whole nonsense when they made us wait months to find out who he killed. People instantly became irritated. Also people thought the scenes were too gory (boo hoo, it’s a zombie show, you idiots) so I think Negan had an immediate negative response. It’s true that he’s pretty cartoonish as a villain and it certainly doesn’t translate as well from the comics as I hoped but I still think Negan is great on the show. I’m aware many people think he’s the worst but I still have a soft spot for the character. Also, if the show does follow the comics, the haters might as well get used to Negan being around... Finally, why on EARTH did Morales have to return? I didn’t have a clue who he was and I didn’t care. The fact that Rick actually had to say “You’re names Morales and you’re from Atlanta” or whatever he said was embarrassing. The most see-through bit of dialogue I’ve ever seen. It only existed to tell everyone watching who the hell that man was because he means nothing. Why bother? Anyway, the show needs to get it’s act together so here is my plan to return The Walking Dead to it’s rightful place and stop that cheeky little Fear The Walking Dead from totally taking over: 1. Half The Main Cast Clearly, Fear’s big plus is the smaller main cast. It might be tough but The Walking Dead needs to lose people. Kill half of them. The war is the perfect opportunity for this and I really hope they do it. 2. Fuck The Comics I am a comic reader. I love the comics. They will always be the best. But that doesn’t mean the show has to keep following them so closely. Some of the best things about the show are the big changes from the comics. Daryl existing, Carol having attitude and not dying, giving Morgan more relevance. So many other great moments. By all means, follow the story of the comics loosely but don’t be afraid to kill someone who’s important later in the comics, that doesn’t mean you can’t use the story with a different character. 3. Balance The Elements Episodes of The Walking Dead these days either have too much talking or too much action. There needs to be a balance. We need the talking for character development and we need the action to keep things exciting. Please balance them. It is a difficult balance but the show got this right in the early days so why can’t it now? 4. Stop Playing With Time The show doesn’t do this too often but I hate it when it does. It’s The Walking Dead not Lost. Playing with time isn’t as effective as you think it is. It’s jarring and gets in the way of the story we care about. 5. Watch Fear The Walking Dead I know the shows are made by a lot of the same people but how about watching the show that’s much better at the moment and learning some stuff? It really has done some impressive things in the past season and a half and I can see it improving even more in season 4 while The Walking Dead slowly ties itself up in too many characters and bad execution of the comic story. To finish this mad rant, I’d like to say I love both shows. I really do. The Walking Dead is one of my very favourite franchises which is why I have such strong opinions about it. There’s nothing I’d love more than for both shows to continue doing amazingly well and for the comics to carry on for many years to come. It’s a brilliant world but I just wish the TV show that first made me fall in love with that world would shape up and do itself justice.

Not sure if I’ve ever posted about Big Brother USA but here we go! I have been a fan of the show for quite a number of years ever since I realised what an entirely different show it was to Big Brother UK. It never really feels like I’m watching two different seasons of BB at once when they’re both on. They really are completely different shows to watch. In BB USA, you have to outsmart people, back-stab them and blindside them to get further in the game. BUT THEN THE EX HOUSEMATES VOTE FOR WHO WINS WHEN IT’S FINAL TWO. So if you have back-stabbed them you have to count on them not hating you too much. It’s such a simple and clever format for the show and I think it works amazingly well. This season has come under criticism from a lot of people and I think it’s unfair. Sure, Paul’s domination of the game was frustrating and it would have been fantastic if one person had taken a shot at him but the game was still a pretty good one. Those first few weeks were absolutely insane, Cody gunning for Paul week one was unheard of in BB USA and it made the show instantly watchable and exciting. My least favourite part of BB USA are the first two weeks or so when everyone is trying not to get early blood on their hands and you’re not sure who anyone is. This season did not have those issues so I really enjoyed that. I will agree, the three showmances were annoying. Mark & Elena and Matt & Raven were dull and really took up a lot of space that could have been used by great houseguests. Their casting was a mistake. I’ll never quite understand why people like Matt and Mark in particular are cast in these shows. So boring. As usual, we lost a few houseguests with great potential early on, this is a problem in every BB across the world and it is frustrating. It’s a particular problem in BB USA as any good player should be gunning for other good players from the beginning so you do lose some gold far too early in the game. Now, let’s talk about Josh, the winner (!?!?!) of Big Brother 19. Absolute madness but I quite like it. How dull would it have been if Paul had won this season? I mean, he absolutely deserved to and it’s only down to the jury’s pettiness that he didn’t but ultimately it would have been really boring. He’s been dominating for months, we all saw it coming. So it was amazing when he lost out by one vote, from Cody no less! You couldn’t have wished for a more poetic ending. Anyway, I tried talking about Josh and just talked about Paul some more. That’s how much he dominated the season! Josh was an amazing houseguest. Whoever cast him deserves a medal. Who would ever have predicted in week one when he randomly took against Meghan and started kicking off that he would be the eventual winner. He put the hugest target on his own back immediately. He had week 3 eviction written all over him. Surely it’s the mark of a great season that it had such an unpredictable winner? I prefer that than knowing who’s going to win all season like when Derek won. Nothing more boring. Josh caused fights throughout his time in the house, he blew up games, he smashed pots and pans together and riled people up to the degree where they almost punched him. He was an emotional and erratic player, two things that usually mean you don’t have a hope in hell of winning the show. But somehow he stayed and that’s not luck. It’s only luck when you float your way to the final. Josh was anything but a floater and he aligned himself with the right people, won the right competitions and blew up the right games to eventually win the show. When you think about it like that, he definitely deserves the win. It’s an impressive feat. Cody and Jessica were a great duo. It was so interesting to see them go from leaders of the cool gang going after the misfits to eventually becoming the misfits. The way they escaped a few evictions was genuinely exciting and pretty impressive. They just never had a chance once the whole house was against them. The show had light relief in Kevin who was an absolute joy to watch in there. I’ll miss his ‘Hi Julie, how you doin’ tonight’. Jason and Alex were brilliant houseguests who would have cemented a place in BB history if only they had worked out what Paul was doing. Ramses and Dominique had a lot more to give and I’m sure they would have been great houseguests if they’d stayed longer. I actually think the same about Cameron, I really wanted him to win Battle Back. I get where people are coming from with their criticism of the show but I think they’re missing the bigger picture. Paul played an incredible game and it was impressive to watch. Josh played a terrible game on the surface but still managed to win. That’s entertainment isn’t it? One thing I’ll say for the future, do more big twists towards the end. The twists made the first half of this season unmissable and I understand that doing them nearer to the end is a little unfair on people who have grafted to get there but who cares! Expect the unexpected! Nothing more unexpected than a game changing twist for the final 5! My final wish for the future? Please let Zach Rance play again. I don’t care if he doesn’t want to. Offer him money. We need him back.

The news that Lauren and Abi Branning are being written out of EastEnders has given us the first big decision from John Yorke since he took over from Sean O’Connor and it’s got me worried. It’s safe to say that their exit will be better than Ronnie and Roxy’s as Yorke will do a better job but the question remains... WHY? Lauren and Abi have so much more to give! Particularly Abi who has so much left to give. She’s the perfect mix of comedy and evil. It is nothing but a very stupid mistake to get rid of her. This also means the Brannings take a huge hit that they’ll struggle to recover from and it’s pointless. This genuinely makes less sense to me than Ronnie and Roxy. Lauren and Abi have so many ties to so many people. Obviously Max and Jack. Then there’s Cora, Dot, Ian, Jane, Whitney, Ben, Jay, Stacey, Donna... plus Abi needs to be around in case Babe ever returns! Not to mention Tanya. It’s just so silly. Characters with so many ties are so useful. Especially when they’re great in their own right! But anyway, the stupid decision has been made so I’ll focus on other stuff. I really like the Taylors. I’ve always been one for giving new characters a chance and it annoyed me when everyone immediately just shouted THEY’RE LIKE THE MILLERS AND WE HATE THEM so quickly. I thought it was childish. I completely disagree. I think they’re a great new bunch and seeing as the other families are being whittled down, we really need some big groups. Keanu is obviously the stand out and I hope he’s given the chance to really mix with the other residents soon. I can already see a scenario where he’s the only Taylor left one day and that would be a shame. The whole super poor thing needs to go away quickly. Karen needs to get a job in the cafe or the shop or somewhere we know and they can start making things better while also mixing with the rest of the cast. It doesn’t work when they’re so separate. I’m very pleased that there seems to be so much faith in Jay. He isn’t a character that’s particularly needed and it speaks volumes that he’s been kept around and has now been given a storyline. He’s a brilliant character and has been wasted for so long. I really thought they’d get rid of him but I’m so pleased he’s still there even if this storyline ends up being annoying. Jack needs to leave. I know I’v just been complaining about the Brannings taking such a hit but my goodness Jack is such deadwood. His boring nanny storyline is rubbish, the constant references to Ronnie are just reminders about what a mistake it was to get rid of her and the longer he’s around then the more chance there is of him having an affair with Honey or Linda and either of those would be terrible. Jack has always been one of my least favourite characters so this whole view is terribly biased but I can’t remember a time when Jack was more dispensable. Get rid. Though I would want Amy and Ricky to return in a few years and cause havoc as teenagers. Ted and Joyce... I know a lot of people are asking for them to be axed but there’s part of me that hates the idea of introducing characters and getting rid of them so soon. I get why people want it but then I’d just feel like the whole thing was such a waste of time. At least if they are given a bit more time they might be able to become something... I don’t know. I’m not bothered either way but I do feel it would be a bit soon if they went before they’d been around for a year. Mick and Linda need to sort things out and get everything back to normal. I’ve hated every second of their falling out. It didn’t need to happen and it’s a huge shame. We need a strong family unit in the Vic. It’s one of the shows most important aspects and it’s been a mess for so long now. Just sort it out. I’m so bored. While we’re speaking about the Carters, despite all that nonsense and all the Lee stuff and Nancy leaving... they are actually still a very strong family and need to be looked after. Give Shirley, Tina and Johnny some decent storylines. I know Johnny has just been shot but already they’re making it into a big moral decision for him next week. Why is he always just involved in moral stuff with the older characters? Give him some mates or a love interest. Preferably just mates though. He needs a life. I can’t think of anywhere else I can be bothered to comment on... Just please focus on families. We need strong families, love, laughter. Then we actually care when the drama happens. Make us fall in love with these characters and then break our hearts when they’re sad. I feel like I haven’t given a shit about anyone for months. We need some solid family units, some decent character development and some realistic drama. Some of the best moments in EastEnders history have been subtle rather than full of explosions. The Den and Angie divorce papers, the Grant and Sharon tape recording, Peggy slapping Frank and Pat, the Brannings Christmas Day home video... More drama like that would be infinitely better than another disaster. EastEnders is wonderful and boasts a fantastic cast. Stop wasting it all.

5. Peggy Mitchell The best woman that ever owned the Queen Vic. Yeah sure, Angie was iconic. Pat looked very at home there. Kat couldn’t have been a better fit. Linda is doing a brilliant job. But Peggy is the true landlady of the Queen Vic. “Get out of my pub” is all you need to say to realise that she’ll forever own that place in a way. Peggy was such a tiny little ball of fury and passion. The Mitchell’s are my favourite family by far (there are 6 people with that surname on this list) and she was the undisputed head of that family. Peggy with her two boys, Phil and Grant, will always be the most iconic soap family. She had some incredible storylines and Barbara Windsor gave some wonderful performances. Her one downfall might be the amount of time she actually spent on the Square. She went on breaks fairly often and I always feel like that ruins the characters momentum a little bit. Saying that, her return for her death really was beautiful. I’ve cried multiple times at the scene where Phil reads her letter to him after she’s gone. I think the nation felt the pain at Peggy’s loss as much as the characters did. 4. Kat Slater/Moon What a character. She’s the newest character in the top 5 but has managed almost 17 years! I suppose there was a 5 year break but I don’t think it did much to slow her down. Kat is such a brilliantly complicated character. Viewers loved her and the whole Slater family pretty much as soon as they arrived and Kat was immediately the stand out member. She’s loud, loveable, nasty, compassionate, funny, emotionally draining and much more. She really has got it all. Her Zoe storyline came so soon into their arrival that it gave us an understanding of Kat’s past straight away. It was a brilliant way of giving an explanation of Kat and that little girl who was abused is constantly visible in the character. Her relationship with Alfie is one of the most beautiful on the show. Her relationship with Stacey is a joy. She’s now got a load of kids who will hopefully grow up into great characters in their own right and have Kat as an old EastEnders matriarch figure. She had a great friendship with Bianca that couldn’t have felt more right and she’s had so many fantastic enemies over the years too. You’re never bored when Kat is around and I really hope she returns soon because I miss her terribly. No more RedWater please! Just Kat in the Square. 3. Phil Mitchell The top dog of the Mitchell family has to come highest really. He might not be as likeable as the previous Mitchells listed but he really is the best. He’s had more storylines than most of this list and has spent so much time actually on the show. A good handful of these characters have had loads of extended breaks but Phil really hasn’t. He’s just got back from a break but is already in full Phil Mitchell mode. Phil is best when he’s tearing the Square apart and putting people in their place and it’s great to have him back. This list is full of names that have strong links to Phil: Peggy, Grant, Ben, Sharon, Ian, Billy, Jay, Shirley. It really is testament to what a brilliant character he is. Back in the day, it was Grant who was everyone’s favourite. Grant had all the storylines and Phil was his softer and slightly more boring brother but once Grant was gone, Phil very quickly took over. The ‘Who Shot Phil’ storyline was one of the show’s most iconic. His relationships are always great, even if it is sometimes unbelievable that quite so many beautiful women would fall for him. His rivalry with Ian is one of my favourite long standing strands in the show too. Then you’ve got his two kids Ben and Louise, both great characters in their own rights now who will hopefully be around for a lot longer. He recently had another son with Denise who I’m sure will pop up 15 years or so down the line if the Mitchell’s are still a thing by then. The best thing about Phil is how flawed he is. He’s been a nasty piece of work and will probably continue to be in the future but it’s played so well that you can never properly hate Phil. Everything he does makes sense in his world and the viewers always understand where Phil is coming from, even when they disagree with him. He’s a very special character that Steve McFadden should be proud of. 2. Dot Cotton/Branning The face of EastEnders. Fair enough, Dot’s storylines these days (and most of her history, really) isn’t as exciting as most others on this list but it really doesn’t matter. The character work that has been done on Dot over the years is second to none. EastEnders fans love this woman from the bottom of their hearts and that’s down to how she’s been written for all these years. She’s an incredible character. She’s the only character that’s done a single handed episode. One whole episode with only Dot in it. Dot’s history is so rich and so full of heartbreak but also full of love and happiness. A simple storyline like Abi moving out of Dots comes with such huge emotion and that’s because she’s leaving Dot alone. Anyone but Dot and it wouldn’t have had half the impact. We care about Dot as if she was our own grandma and I can’t think of many characters I can say that about. She’s also so funny. It’s easy to think of Dot as a tragic character after all that’s happened to her and the losses she’s suffered but it’s just as easy to think of her as a comic character. June Brown has always played both sides to perfection. We love Dot whether she’s feeling sorry for herself on her own or being a busy body in the Vic drinking her tomato juice (or sherry at Christmas of course). Dot is an icon if ever there was one and it’s going to be an unbearably sad day when she leaves us. 1. Janine Butcher Yeah yeah yeah, I’m aware that the 5 people above Janine have a much stronger case for being proper EastEnders legends. But come on… Janine is such a force of nature when she turns up, it’s impossible for me to choose anyone else. I’ll admit, I’m pretty obsessed with Janine. I find her completely captivating. She’s so completely evil but then she shows you that tiny glimpse of good in her and you’re right back on her side. She couldn’t be more manipulative, for the characters or the viewers. Obviously the moment you think of when you think of Janine is pushing Barry down the cliff (“If only he’d worn slip on shoes”). She’s manipulated so many people over the years that it’s amazing she’s never been the subject of a whodunnit, hopefully she’ll return one day for that. Although not a murder whodunnit, I want Janine making people’s lives a misery for many years to come. Then there’s the soft side. We often saw the soft side with her beloved dad Frank. We also sometimes saw it between her and different men in her life but never for long. The person I remember most fondly for bringing out Janine’s soft side is Pat. Janine and Pat’s relationship was one of the most hate-filled yet love-filled I’ve seen. When Pat was dying, it was Janine that made me cry most. Seeing Janine so sad about losing someone was too much for me. I have such a great fondness for every side of Janine. I really really really hope Charlie Brooks decides one day that it’s time for Janine to come back because I can’t imagine a year goes by without EastEnders giving her a call. If she never returns though, I wouldn’t mind too much. That final scene when she’s in the airport after murdering Michael and someone asks her what she’s been up to: “Oh you know, just getting away with murder”. OH MY GOODNESS. What a line. What a woman. What a character. Please let her come back soon.

Hi loves, You’ll be forgiven for thinking I hadn’t been watching Big Brother this year but I have. Which is probably more than you’ve been doing, let’s be honest. I will always watch Big Brother but that doesn’t mean it’s always good. This has been a very hit and miss series but sadly more on the miss side. So maybe we should start with the hits? The main hit was some of the housemates. Yes, half of them had already been on TV before but some of the others were truly brilliant finds and great casting. Hannah and Deborah have been complete stars. Raph is brilliant. Isabelle is absolutely incredible. Joe was a great, if horrible, housemate. Chanelle was amazing. Arthur would have been brilliant if he’d stayed. Sukhvinder was also a great housemate for the little time she was there. They are actually all surprisingly loveable as a whole. There have also been a few moments where the housemates have been genuinely shocked which is quite rare these days. The fake double eviction was the first time in years and years where the housemates weren’t already saying “they’re in a secret room, they can’t have gone” (unless they edited this out) and Charlotte’s eviction was a great shock that they didn’t expect. There have also been some decent enough tasks and some really great arguments. BUT... There have been some crazy decisions which have just been really difficult to understand or accept. Tomorrow’s double backdoor eviction being a prime example. None of the housemates left really deserve to leave like that when it’s so close to the final. Nobody watching wants to see that really. I’d only be pleased to see Kieran go and even that is if I had to choose. It’s a silly thing to do. Shoving the 4 second chance housemates in seemed like a weird choice and making it so they couldn’t win was even weirder. Andrew just sitting in the house for no reason now is odd and makes no sense to me. HOW DO WE FIX IT? Well... I understand that Love Island’s success has really fucked BB up this year but I think the best way to combat that is for BB to go super BB next year. Drop the ex reality stars, they’re all on Love Island and they’re dull, fake and vacuous. Fill the house with Deborahs and Joes. Real people from the real world. Of the many ex-reality stars they shoved in this year, the only one that added anything truly brilliant was Chanelle. We don’t need them. Keep them in CBB but make civilian BB exactly that. Civilian. Make tasks mean more. If they lose, take away all luxury food. Don’t give them parties every night. When they don’t have food, they get angry and argue. You don’t always need tasks to include ‘who said what about who’ to cause arguments. All you really need to do it take away their food and keep them up at night. Have tasks where they need to stay up or have to wake up through the night. Making the consequences more severe would also ensure they really care about tasks. Things where they have to resist a call from home would be harder as they’d genuinely want to pass the task so they could eat, rather than them sort of not giving a shit. Keep things simple so that big nominations twists are actually exciting when they come. Now, to be fair, this is something BB are improving on. There were actually a handful of weeks without nominations twists which was a relief this year. But keeping things simple in every aspect would really make BB stand out and it would be a totally different show to Love Island etc. I’m aware that they’ll probably continue to chase the Love Island fans which will be a huge shame so ya know... I’ll shut up. ANYWAY, our lovely remaining housemates. Let me tell you what I think of them. RAPH- He’s bloody delightful. I’ll admit, he’s not been the most exciting housemate but he’s not actually been boring either. I loved his friendship with Chanelle and I’ve loved his reactions to tasks and stuff. He’s a proper BB fan like me and I’m so glad he’s living the dream in there. He’s been a joy to watch and I’d be really pleased to see him win.  DEBORAH- What a lovely woman. At the start, she was very much part of a double act with Hannah but in the second half of the show she’s managed to carve herself her own place in the house. She’s very funny, she’s so much fun and the way she looks after Hannah and calms her is just lovely. I really think she’s been a near perfect housemate and that if she doesn’t win it’s because she’s a black woman. I know a lot of people would jump on me for that but I really do believe this country still has a sub conscious racism that could stop her winning. HANNAH- It’s amazing how different her and Deborah have turned out to be. Hannah is a brilliant housemate and has provided so much for this series. She’s clearly the younger and more crazy sister and has been so interesting to watch. She can be pretty frustrating to watch when she takes things too seriously or can’t shut herself up when she’s going on and on about something but it’s always been clear that her heart is in the right place. TOM- I was very annoyed when Tom was chosen to go in the house on launch night but he has surpassed my expectations of him as a housemate. He’s actually been a pretty good one. I don’t like him very much as a person but he’s certainly brought a lot to the series and has been a strong character most of the time. He doesn’t deserve to win but I think it would be a real shame if he didn’t make the final. KIERAN- He’s this year’s boring good looking male housemate. There’s one every year. The one difference with Kieran is that he wasn’t part of a showmance as they almost always are usually. He’s not been as boring as some before him but he’s still been boring. He doesn’t deserve to win at all. I am hoping he goes in the double eviction as he’s the sort who could end up winning if he’s sat there on the final. ISABELLE- What a housemate. She would have gone weeks ago had BB not shown us the eviction percentages and true fans (ones that were old enough to remember BB1) got together and made sure Savannah went over her. The stupid Love Island kids would have evicted her. She went on to prove us all right and be one of the best housemates of the series. So funny, so loveable and just so great. The task when she was trying to make herself cry made me laugh so much and the way she got through that first week when everyone hated her so much.. she’s an absolute hero and I hope she wins. ANDREW- I can’t be bothered because he can’t even win. Why is he still there? So weird. Well that was longer than expected. Bye.

WARNING: Before I wrote this, I had no idea what a bitchy little prick I was going to be about the show. Just so you’re prepared... I’m still not sure how I feel about season 7. To me, it’s been 16 episodes of plot that could have fit into about 5. The first half of the finale is a total waste of time. I’m sure the writers think Sasha is a big deal but most viewers really don’t. Sasha is fine, she’s been fairly good this season but beforehand she was a glorified extra who only had ties to dull people like Bob and Tyreese. Shoving her with Abraham for 5 minutes before he died doesn’t mean they’re a modern day Romeo and Juliet. Ultimately, she’s totally expendable and we did not need 3 dream sequences. I mean, I didn’t even need one... Anyway, I’m being harsh on Sasha. She has been a good character this season and her sacrifice in this episode was moving and fairly well done. I just hate it when this show stalls for time and those dream sequences well dull. Moving on... I think Negan is great. So many reviewers seem to dislike him but I enjoy that he’s over the top and silly, he’s supposed to be. I understand people’s opinion that some things work in the comic but not on TV... but Negan has to be like this. He’s one of the main characters in the entire comics. You can’t change him. He’s menacing, fun and ridiculous. Shut up all of you and go suck off the Governor. Apologies. I struggle to accept criticism of Negan. I found the lack of death upsetting in this episode. I know the war is coming so they probably need to keep people around. Especially seeing as The Hilltop and Kingdom combined currently seems to be around 12 people... might need to call in some more extras for the war. Anyway, it’s only really Sasha that dies in this episode and I feel others could have gone. It was a perfect time for a recognisable Saviour to die. Maybe not Simon, although that would have been great. But at least someone? And Eric should have died too. Eric is Aaron’s boyfriend by the way. Aaron is the guy that got beaten up by the Saviours before... you know? No? Well I don’t blame you. Anyway, Eric surely doesn’t have many episodes left in him. Get rid. I was also annoyed by Michonne’s struggle to overpower some pathetic garbage lady woman. Come on! It’s bloody Michonne. I hate when incredible and strong characters like her are made weaker just for effect. She would not have struggled that much. It’s just not believable and was frustrating rather than exciting, particularly when we know Michonne isn’t going to die in some lacklustre finale anyway. She’s arguably the second most iconic character in the whole franchise. Give us a break, let her easily knock out the pointless garbage woman and come down to fight with the others! Also, Rick not just overpowering Jadis and throwing her off that platform was stupid too. As if he’s just going to let her shoot him in the side and push him off. There’s no way he couldn’t overpower her. Sure, she had a gun but she was so close to him. All it took was one quick grab of her arm and she’d be fucked. Stupid, unrealistic nonsense. I’m being such a bitch about this episode. The second half was mostly really great. It’s just the first half got my back up so much that I’m struggling to be kind. I enjoyed everyone coming together. It’s always great and it was wonderful to see Carol back where she belongs. The nod between Rick and Morgan was also great. Ezekiel did a bit more to endear himself to us. I enjoyed the “Alexandria will not fall today” thing. It’s nice to see him finally do something. Shiva should have died in that fight really. I understand that most people would be scared of a tiger... but most people had guns. It’s not difficult to kill a tiger with a gun is it... Also, how does the tiger know which people are saviours? Just get rid of the tiger please. She’s looked ok in most episodes but the CGI when she was eating the man’s face was a bit too shit. Still impressive but come on... get rid of the tiger. I mean, she will die in the war but really... they should have got rid of the tiger. Maggie’s speech at the end was nice. I was glad they mentioned Glenn seeing as Abraham had got so much airtime and Glenn is about a thousand times more important. I liked that the final shot was on the pocket watch. Glenn deserved that.  Anything else? Eugene? I can’t really be bothered to mention Eugene. I’m struggling to forgive him for being such a cowardly little prick. I can’t tell if they’re going to keep him around like the comics. He’s being such a dickhead that he really deserves to die in the war. It’ll be interesting if they do get rid of him. I suppose he’s barely done anything worthwhile in the comics for ages. Might as well dispose of his pathetic self. Unless he really is playing the long game. I’ll be very impressed if he is. All in all, season 7 was bad. It had great moments, Morgan’s episode was pretty amazing. The first episode was brilliant. But mostly it’s been bad. It’s been slow. It’s been predictable. It’s not been good. This was the season I definitely decided I prefer the comics, they’re just better at storytelling.

The third series of Inside No 9 has finished and I feel bereft. So I’m going to rank every episode as if that’s something that can easily be done... I adore every episode of this show so it’s going to be difficult. I have to say that none of these episodes are even close to being bad. Every one is a stunning example of brilliant writing and fantastic performances. I could go on about how much I adore and idolise Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton but I have 18 episodes to rank so we best press on. 18 - Last Gasp (Series 1, Episode 4) A perfectly brilliant half an hour of comedy. It’s a great premise and is a lot of fun. I’d just say it lacks that real punch that so many episodes have. 17- The Trial Of Elizabeth Gadge (Series 2, Episode 3) I know it annoys Reece that this was the least favourably received of series 2 so I feel bad following the trend. It’s a very funny episode. There are so many great lines and David Warner’s character’s weird sexual kinks are an absolute joy of an addition. I loved the ending but it’s not completely unpredictable like some. 16- The Understudy (Series 1, Episode 5) I’m already surprising myself with this list. I really love this episode and I’m trying to work out why it’s not higher. I loved the idea of the ‘Number 9′ being a dressing room for this one. It was the first one which wasn’t set in a house number 9 so I found that a very exciting prospect for the future. This a really fun theatre episode with a nice twist. There are just better episodes is all! 15- Empty Orchestra (Series 3, Episode 4) I think this is so low because I hyped it up too much in my head. Entirely my fault. When I first heard where all the episodes were going to be set for series 3, I was most excited for the karaoke booth idea. I was waiting for it to come and then when it arrived it wasn’t quite what I hoped. I’m not sure what I wanted though. This is a rare feel good episode and I feel bad for not rating it higher as I enjoyed the change. I guess the dark ones just go down better with me. 14-  Nana’s Tea Party (Series 2, Episode 5) I really love this episode but again, it’s slightly less dark than the norm. This one feels the most like a sitcom and it’s better than most sitcoms currently on TV. I love the constant threat of a horrible thing happening. They knew we’d be expecting something awful to happen to someone and they tease it so much. I think the characters, particularly Recce’s, are wonderful and the end still packs a punch, just a slightly different one to usual. 13- A Quiet Night In (Series 1, Episode 2) An episode that many people consider one of the very best. I love how brave it is, particularly as the second episode in your first series. I think the silent movie aspect is done to perfection and I love the twist. I just feel like the heavy slapstick isn’t quite what Inside No 9 is about and that’s why I prefer many other episodes. 12- The Harrowing (Series 1, Episode 6) This could be the scariest episode and for that reason it feels like it should be higher than it is but I think the main problem with this episode for me is that the weird and fantastical stuff is real. In a similar way to Elizabeth Gadge. Maybe  prefer the show when it’s realistic. Anyway, this really is genuinely scary and complete proof that Shearsmith and Pemberton could write an amazing horror film. 11- Diddle Diddle Dumpling (Series 3, Episode 5) For some reason, this episode didn’t quite hit the spot for me. It certainly made me laugh a few times, Shearsmith’s amazing performance as a shoe obsessed husband is hilarious as it is unsettling and the end is a little predictable but still very satisfying.  10- Seance Time (Series 2, Episode 6) My favourite thing about this episode is the references to the way TV is made. As a TV person myself, so many of the aspects on this are hilariously true to life. Alison Steadman is perfect as an egotistical but ultimately not very famous actress. The whole premise for this one is brilliant and the ending is pretty terrifying too.  9- La Couchette (Series 2, Episode 1) I’m surprised at how high I’ve put this one but it really is a lovely mix of classic Agatha Christie-like mystery with absolutely ridiculous comedy. I love the enclosed space of a tiny train carriage and the amount of people in there. It’s so wonderfully filmed and has such a brilliant cast. I remember being so happy that the show was back and still utterly brilliant once it had finished. 8- Private View (Series 3, Episode 6) This one only aired tonight so I may have placed it higher because it’s so fresh. But really, as a fan of both Big Brother (one character is a ditzy former housemate) and films where people are picked off one by one, I was always going to enjoy this one. I love the cast and the characters, I think the character development is incredible, something the show has improved on every series and is now at the point where I can hardly believe it was all done in half an hour. This episode is very funny and has just the right amount of darkness. 7- The Riddle of The Sphinx (Series 3, Episode 3) This is so magnificently written. I watched it with subtitles due to my Hungarian flatmate and I’m so glad I did. I found I got much more satisfaction out of the complex writing when I was reading along. It’s all so clever and so dark and the twist is fantastic. Plus the only episode to date that only has three characters. I’d love to see them tackle a two hander one day. 6- The Devil Of Christmas (Series 3, Episode 1) What an absolute treat this was at Christmas time. By far the best present I got. I’m so impressed that the whole thing was made using 70s equipment. I’m so impressed that they wrote such an intricate script with space for the voiceover. I’m so impressed with the incredible bad acting (particularly Pemberton). But obviously I’m most impressed by the twist. Probably the best twist the show has ever delivered. 5- Tom and Gerri (Series 1, Episode 3) An episode I didn’t love initially but have since come to realise is one of the absolute best. It’s such a creepy one that really keeps you guessing until the end. The reveal is so delicious and the whole thing is so unbearably bleak. That may sound like a bad thing but it’s exactly what I want. 4- The Bill (Series 3, Episode 2) Although speaking of bleak, this one is so high for the opposite reason really. I found this episode so funny. Maybe it’s because I used to be a waiter and witnessed arguments about who pays the bill many times. I just loved the idea of the whole episode set around a table. Again, the twist is fantastic and so brilliantly done. Jason Watkins is absolutely wonderful and certainly comes out of this episode as the star. That change in his demeanour is something to behold. 3- Cold Comfort (Series 2, Episode 4) My goodness, I love this episode so much. The whole thing is filmed on CCTV cameras and just works so well. It’s funny, it’s shocking and the tension is amazing in places. It has what might be my favourite ending to an episode ever, particularly the song used. Just fucking perfect. I really love this episode so much. Jane Horrocks deserves a mention for her brilliant portrayal as Liz too. 2- The 12 Days Of Christine (Series 2, Episode 2) The one I thought was my number one but have realised actually isn’t. This is a perfect half an hour of television. Never have I been so moved in such a short amount of time. This is probably the least funny episode of the show, the comedy is fairly limited which helps the ending hit even harder. I remember being absolutely stunned by this episode when I watched it. I couldn’t believe how brilliant it was. Quality-wise, this is probably the best episode they’ve made. It’s so different that it sort of doesn’t feel like a No 9. It feels like something else, something Shearsmith and Pemberton should explore more. 1- Sardines (Series 1, Episode 1) I feel like a bit of a dick for choosing the first ever episode as my favourite but it just is. I feel like it really has everything that I love about Inside No 9. It’s hilarious, it has an amazing cast, it’s mostly set in a very confined space, it has a dark undercurrent and a brilliant twist. What more could a boy ask for? It’s such a perfect way to start of the whole show. There just isn’t a better episode to sit down with a No 9 virgin with. It gets across everything the show is about and perfectly prepares you for what’s to come. So there you have it. My ranking of the current 18 episodes of Inside No 9. I’m already not sure about a couple of the placings but I can’t deliberate over the list forever. Now I just sit and wait for news of series 4. It can’t come soon enough.

I love The Walking Dead. I’ve played the video games, I’m up to date with the comics and I watch the show. It’s wonderful. Even Fear The Walking Dead became brilliant in the second half of season 2 and I hope for that to continue. BUT. The show is doing such a bad job right now. The latest episode had about 2 minutes of story and a whole load of pointlessness. Why are we watching Rick and Michonne mess about at a fun fair for half an hour? It gave us nothing other than a lame ‘fake death’ for Rick which roughly NOBODY was tricked by. A show would have to be brave and unpredictable to kill the main character off in the middle of a season... sadly The Walking Dead is seldom either of those things these days. Don’t get me wrong, Rick and Michonne are two vital characters to the series (though any comic book reader knows that Rick’s heart belongs to Andrea and just finds it completely weird when Rick and Michonne kiss). They should both get a lot of screen time. But come on! The fact that they are both so important to the show means we should see them doing things that actually matter to the story. Sure, finding all the guns is part of a storyline but it didn’t need to take that long. Move the story along, take us to the Sanctuary for 10 minutes to see what Negan is doing, let’s check in with Maggie briefly at The Hilltop. Why are we spending so long on the most pointless things? Spending whole episodes in one area is a terrible mistake. The comics work because you’re in a different place each time you turn a page these days. The latest volume even takes you to 6 different areas on one page. So fast paced that it’s actually a little confusing. So why on Earth is the show not learning a little from its source material? Nobody wants to spend a whole episode at The Kingdom. Ever. Please. Never do that again. It’s by far the worst of all the settlements and always has been, even in the comics. Fair enough, it should exist but we don’t need to see much of it. I’m so dreading another episode set there. That said, I don’t want to spend a whole episode anywhere. I know we saw a bit of Tara and Rosita in-between Richonne larking about. But that’s still Alexandria territory. Game Of Thrones is a perfect example of not sticking anywhere for too long. Most episodes will spend 10 minutes in one place and then move on. Because it has to keep us interested. If we spent too long in Kings Landing we’d soon pretty much forget that the Greyjoys existed. Same with The Walking Dead. Refresh our memory. The next time we see The Hilltop I’m sure we’ll have a load of unrecognisable faces because we’ve not been there for weeks. It’s a lot easier to point out the shows flaws when you’re a comic reader because you know what’s to come and you can see where they’re stalling for time. The seasons are too long and they’ve shot themselves in the foot by always having to have a huge finale and decent opening episode. It means we have to watch Rick trying to kill a shitty CGI deer so they can bide their time before the inevitable war with Negan (which I really hope does not conclude at the end of this season, we need at least another season with Negan in full swing, he was a menace in the comics for ages). But it shouldn’t mean that. A great example of the show taking things into their own hands was the inclusion of the Wolves. They were not in the comic and provided a perfect bit of action by attacking Alexandria. When they take big steers away from the comics like that is when the show is at it’s best. See also the episode where Carol shoots Lizzie. There are so many brilliant ‘TV show only’ moments in The Walking Dead’s past but it feels like there hasn’t been any in the present for ages. I love it when The Walking Dead has its huge finales but I’m becoming less and less impressed with them when we have to spend the time between watching nonsense. 

(some mild comic spoilers) In short, no of course he bloody isn’t. I’ve read a good few reviews that genuinely think Eugene has gone to the dark side and I feel the need to stick up for our favourite mulleted geek. Negan smashed his best friends head in a few episodes ago. There’s your first reason that he clearly isn’t on Negan’s side. Sure, he’s enjoying all the nice food and video games but he’s so clearly not on Negan’s side. Eugene is a great liar, he lied to Abraham for ages.  Even without the comics (in which Eugene is still a fully paid up member of Team Rick, literally years ahead of where we are now) it’s obvious that Eugene wouldn’t betray his people for a jar of pickles. He’s playing the long game. He’s biding his time, learning about the Sanctuary and working out the best way to help Rick from the inside. That’s not a spoiler, by the way. Eugene is taken by The Saviours in the comics but it doesn’t really happen like this and he’s rescued before he gets anywhere close to submitting to Negan. It seems the TV show has decided to make Eugene more sneaky and heroic. There were a few moments where I wavered and actually thought Eugene might be a turncoat but the final scene confirmed my thoughts. Dwight and Eugene finally have a civil meeting, the last time they really ‘met’ was when Eugene was biting Dwight’s genitals. They exchange names and Eugene confirms that they’re both ‘Negan’. But we know that Dwight isn’t really ‘Negan’. In the comics, Dwight eventually starts helping Rick and later becomes the reluctant leader of the Sanctuary. This might not happen on the TV show (I have a feeling we’re going to see Negan go down quicker than he does in the comics for one) but I still think Dwight will turn on Negan and definitely isn’t back to his obedient ways, no matter how it looks. That final exchange was a silent understanding. During Doctor Carson’s death, Eugene saw how uncomfortable Dwight was and has definitely worked out that he’s just as anti-Negan as he is. They now understand that Negan has to be taken down from the inside and they’ll end up doing it together. I thought this was all fairly obvious but all the reviews I’ve read seem to have just taken it at face value so thought I’d set the record straight. ps. The New York Times were the only ones who got it and they added the very interesting theory that Eugene’s suggestion to cover the fence walkers with liquid metal could actually be a ploy to weaken the fence due to the weight. Certainly a possibility!

The journey you go on as a YouTube viewer is interesting (is it?) and I'm going to talk about it now. I do make YouTube videos but I certainly see myself more as a viewer than a creator, partly due to my modest (pathetic) subscriber count and partly due to my decrease in posting but mainly due to the past 5 (FIVE) years of hardcore YouTube watching. It's a strange and difficult world to get into. So many people with so many styles, there are large groups who are friends and it's difficult to work out who are actually friends and who just fake it for collab views. The whole thing is so vast that I wouldn't blame someone for having a peak and deciding it's not for them. I certainly didn't think it was for me when I first watched a charlieissocoollike video. I thought "he seems nice but why would I watch 4 minute videos of him talking about stuff". But then I was back at my laptop watching him and 'getting to know him'. Before long I was clicking on his friends videos. Again, I thought "well they might be friends with Charlie but I don't like them as much, why would I be interested in anyone other than Charlie". Soon enough my favourite YouTuber was Alex Day (pre bad times). What I'm trying to say is my tastes change at an alarming rate on YouTube. My taste in music, films, tv and all other mediums is always the same and changes come very gradually. But I've been watching YouTube properly for over five years and I already feel like I've had about 30 different identities as a viewer. I'm going to assume most viewers are the same as me. We're subscribed to a fairly large amount of people but we don't watch every video. We have a select few whose every effort we'll watch, regardless of the content. We have some that we'll watch about half of and some that we almost never watch unless we're off work/school and suddenly have extra time to give these lesser creators. Who are my select few? Charlie, obviously, I'm never letting go of my first. Hazel Hayes, Jimmy0010, jakedapegg, Itsamemyleo, crabstickz, Bertie, Jack and Dean, Ophelia Dagger, Daniel J Layton, Sammy Paul. Something you'll notice about these people is they don't upload super frequently. Some are weekly and others are way less. Looking at you, Myles. So maybe I'm somebody who gets a bit overwhelmed by daily uploads. At least I am right now. I've had times where I watched every one of Joey Graceffa's daily vlogs for months. Now I only click on them if they've got somebody else interesting in them or if I'm tricked by his click bait. I still think Joey is brilliant at what he does. It's just not particularly for me anymore. I started this blog because I realised I'd watched every VEDIF video by dodie and I thought "who would have imagined I'd ever be watching more dodie than Grace Helbig". But I am. I love Grace but I rarely watch her videos anymore. I have no idea why. Dodie was someone I took a long time to subscribe to. She's been friends with many of my favourites for years but I never made the leap. Now that I have, I couldn't be happier. She's wonderful and calming and adorable and all the other things everyone thinks about her. So yeah, just thought it was weird how tastes change so easily on YouTube. The great thing is, even though you stop watching people, you never lose your fondness for the people who entertained you for a brief part of your life. Obviously my fondness for Alex Day isn't there anymore but if I properly think about him before I knew that stuff, wearing my Sopio wrist bands and passport stamp tshirt, I do still feel a nice wave of nostalgia. Such a shame that particular wave has sewage in it now. Oh goodness. Things are getting weird. I just used a metaphor. Would you call that a metaphor? Probably. Ultimately , I feel my viewing habits are naturally being streamlined and I'm no longer spending hours and hours a day watching content. Why? I'd say because YouTube is changing, along with its viewers. A lot of my favourite YouTubers from back in the day aren't making videos anymore (I'll never forgot you, WOTO) and I'm getting older. They're the main reasons. I might be watching way less videos but I can't foresee a time when watching Jimmy0010 reviewing a mop will be anything less than delightful.

Episode 8 proved the point I’ve been making since the beginning. The Walking Dead hasn’t been great in season 7, I think that’s most people’s general feeling and I think that feeling is even stronger among comic fans. It opened very well. The reveal of who Negan killed was done well, although I don’t think many of us were convinced that a 6 month wait was entirely justified. It was still a great episode and Negan began to properly be explored. Negan is a tricky one. In the comics, he’s so extreme and ridiculous that some people were concerned about how he’d translate to the show but I personally believe he’s one of season 7′s biggest successes. Without his absurd swearing (in the comics he says things like “mother fucking dick suck cunt fucking fuck fuckity fuck fucker fucking fuck fuckers”) he does seem more believable and less of a cartoon, not that I’m criticising the comic book Negan, seeing as he is literally a cartoon... Some things have been done very well this season and some things have been horrifically drawn out. Tara’s stand-alone episode was something nobody wanted and took us to a place that doesn’t even exist in the comics. The comics have already got way too much material for the show to deal with, why they thought adding a whole new bunch of characters was a good idea is beyond me. Weirdly though, for an episode nobody wanted, it was actually alright wasn’t it? Anyway, let’s get to the point. The Walking Dead has been frustratingly slow. Other than episodes featuring Negan, it’s all been a little bit dull and stunted. Even the episode with featuring Negan with Darryl listening to ‘Easy Street’ over and over again felt a little bit nothing. The very simple problem? Setting whole episodes in one place. I’m kind of confused about how this even happened. This season has been following the comics quite closely, so why not take the best thing about the comics and move from place to place more often? Episode 8 proved that an hour is a lot more enjoyable when we see multiple places in one episode. It was lovely to pop between Carol’s little house, Rick and Aaron, Negan and Spencer, Maggie at the Hilltop, Darryl at the Sanctuary. It made sense and I really hope it wasn’t just done to tie everything up for a mid-season break. This absolutely must be the way things are moving forward or things aren’t going to improve. Episode 8 actually made me smile and made me excited for the future. I’m concerned that the first Negan arc will be wrapped up by the end of the season and I think that would be a shame. Although maybe it makes sense. TV fans like happy endings and justice and stuff more than comic readers I suppose. Boring. I was glad to see a couple of deadweight characters get killed off, Spencer getting his comic death was perfectly done. Alexandria is still full of useless people but as long as they remain extras I think it’s fine. The Hilltop still seems a bit of a pointless place. There are a couple of Hilltop characters in the comics that make it a bit more interesting and make you care about it a bit more and hate Gregory. It’s looking like they’re not going to bother with that which seem weird. The Kingdom? Well I’m not even very keen on it in the comics so the sooner that’s over and done with the better in my opinion. Bye.

You always know a Tumblr post is gonna get deep when the title is inspired by Blink 182. Tonight I went to a punk rock show in Tufnell Park, the home of punk. I had to step over a very drunk Iggy Pop to even get in the ruddy place. The band playing were called Pup. They are from Canada, the second home of punk. I was watching the support band when my eyes met with a boy across the room. He was young (definitely over 18 so you can’t do me for it) and had messy, curly brown hair, lovely eyes, a black hoodie and a white t-shirt. Doesn’t he sound like a dream! Well he wasn’t a dream. He was real. And he was looking at me and I was looking at him. Then his friend came back. It was a girl but definitely not his girlfriend. This got me thinking. If he’s at a gig with a girl and she’s not his girlfriend then he absolutely must be gay. Boys don’t go anywhere with girls unless they’re dating or gay, right? Pretty sure that’s how the world works. My friend then returned and we went to the smoking area where I forgot about my new husband and started chatting. We soon returned as the band were about to start and we ended up very much near the front of the stage. I was getting excited for the band when I saw that my new husband was standing directly in front of me! I mean, this is surely fate. We are bloody destined to be together. Thank god that’s finally sorted. I’ve been concerned about my entire future being spent alone but now it’s all fine. The boy in the black hoodie is here to save the day. So he is bloody loving this gig. I am enjoying it too but he’s younger so he’s making more of a fuss about his enjoyment. He’s flailing about the place, his hair is getting gradually wetter at the ends and it looks absolutely bloody delightful. There are better looking boys here. A lot of them. But this one in front of me is all I am bothered by. Why? Because our eyes met briefly earlier. Do you remember? Keep up. So he’s dancing, he’s pumping his fists, he’s shouting the lyrics. I see his friend try to encourage him to join the mosh pit but he’s slightly reluctant. Isn’t that adorable. Don’t you just want to kiss him right now? Well you can’t because he’s at The Dome in Tufnell Park between 8pm and 11pm on Friday 9th September and you aren’t. I was though. At one point during his dancing, he takes a misstep and ends up backing into me. I say misstep, what I mean is purposeful step into my arms which he’s been waiting for since our brief glance earlier. Our embrace lasts for less than one second and he’s back dancing. He eventually joins the mosh pit. It’s a wonderful sight as he pushes into people becoming far more sweaty than he was earlier and looking all the better for it. He then comes back to his friend who is patiently waiting in front of me. He then begins to take the black hoodie off. I briefly consider offering to hold it for him and then realise that would be beyond creepy so just continue to watch him intensely as he takes it off. He puts it over by the wall and returns in just the white t-shirt. Frankly, he looks lovely. He then goes back into the mosh pit and continues dancing the night away. He’s full of life and excitement and I think about how he would bring those things to my life. How we would spend our days listening to Pup and whatever other music he likes. How I would introduce him to my favourite bands and show him my favourite places. We’d be best friends as well as lovers. I’d convince him that Kate Nash is cool and he’d convince me that sometimes a plain white t-shirt is all you need. Then the band finish their set. My friend suggests going outside. I take a final look at the boy of my dreams as I walk through the crowd. I try to get one final bit of eye contact but it doesn’t come.

It’s been a weird Celebrity Big Brother. Part of me thinks it’s been bloody awful and another part has quite enjoyed it. Either way, I feel my Big Brother correspondence has been a little light recently so here are my thoughts on the final six: MARNIE- I quite like Marnie. She’s certainly no Charlotte Crosby or Vicky Pattison but that’s asking a lot. That original Geordie Shore lineup is one of TV’s great casting miracles… Marnie is from the era when it started going down hill. She’s still perfectly fine value though. The one big issue I have with Marnie is her relationship with Lewis Bloor. He’s an awful human being and anybody that could fall for him must have something wrong with them. She’s been quit overshadowed a lot of the time, by Lewis and then by Chloe and Bear. It’s been nice to see a bit more of her recently and I think she deserves to be in the final. That moment when she demonstrated her blowjob skills on a banana and started smashing her head against it is reason enough for her to still be there. FRANKIE- I’m concerned that Frankie might win. Never underestimate the power of Ariana, he won America’s favourite on BB USA when actual BB fans clearly loved Zach the most, the Grande fans took over. Frankie’s season of BB USA was my favourite of all time so I do always feel a bit of loyalty to him but the fact of the matter is he just hasn’t done enough to deserve the win. He’s not been boring though. I like that he really sees Big Brother as a game, obviously helped by his BB USA past and I feel that he’s influenced the others to see it more as a game too. Never before have we seen so much nominating people because they’re a threat. It’s how the game really should be, it’s what Nasty Nick would have wanted. I hope this trend sticks and escalates and gets nastier in future series (BB, please drop the discussing nominations rule, it’s a barrier for a whole load of amazing scheming that could happen). RICKY- Oh Ricky. Again, there’s a very slight loyalty here because I’m such an Eastenders fan and he hasn’t been a complete tool like John Partridge. But Ricky is boring isn’t he. There’s no escaping that. He’s not Alex from last series boring but he’s still boring. I was very happy for him when he got the most votes last week, his little face was a picture. He’s obviously got good morals and a good heart but I agree with Renee about him not speaking his mind more and standing up for his friends. Also his reluctance to get involved in tasks is not good enough, you’re in there for three weeks Ricky, get involved. RENEE- My queen, my world, my angel. I love this woman. I know she can be a bit over the top sometimes but I can forgive that because she’s just so amazing. The accent, the morals, the arguments, the soul, the heart, the massive bum. Everything about this woman makes me happy. I love the way she’s stood up to Bear all series and worn her heart on her sleeve. She’s clearly been hurt by people so many times in the past and it’s so visible on her face all the time, particularly when she’s angry. She’s had such a life and it shows all the time. I also love the way she mothers everyone like a proper Italian mother. Cooking up that pasta and giving some to Bear to make peace, it was like a bloody gangster movie. I’d love her to win but she absolutely won’t. The best ones never do. AUBREY- I like Aubrey. I think she’s almost the opposite to what I was expecting her to be. She’s very real and very honest and tells it how it is. She hasn’t been a major character of the series but she’s been a good constant. I feel like she’s almost certainly going to come last in the final because she’s sort of coasted along and never been involved in much and anyone that likes her will probably vote for Renee instead. I think she’s been great though. BEAR- Of course I’m leaving him until last. It’s been an interesting ride with Stephen Bear. He’s certainly cemented his place in BB history and done a great job. Bear is like a kid that we all knew at school. He’s not one of the cool kids. At first I thought he was but gradually I’ve realised (with the help of Frankie questioning him about school, great work Frankie) that Bear is that lone ranger that is full of confidence. Schools have a lot of loners but most of them are quiet and keep themselves to themselves. There is always one though that is loud and confident and misbehaves but never seems to have firm friends, they often have ADHD too, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Bear had it. They always sort of hang out with the cool kids but they’re clearly not one of the group, they’re on the outskirts because they’re a bit too annoying to fully accept. I hope this is making sense to you. That is who Bear is. He instantly gets people’s back up, isolates himself and then reacts to that negatively because he doesn’t realise that he was in the wrong to start with. His actions are genuine. I think he felt attacked and genuinely didn’t think he’d done anything to deserve it, so retaliated by being a prick to everyone. I found him very hard to watch for the first two weeks or so. I genuinely didn’t enjoy watching him because he made me feel so angry. I’m not good with wind up merchants and he really is the king of winding people up. The big change came when they sent Lillie in and he cried in the diary room. Finally, Bear was a human being. It was great to see him show emotion and spend a couple of days being a bit quieter. I think this period will have won a lot of people round. It’s hard to deny that he’s been funny sometimes and has been a great housemate, even though sometimes he’s been an unbearable arsehole. I think Bear is absolutely going to win and I called it after the first week and put money on him so that I had a silver lining when it happened, so I’ll be more than happy to see him win. But not only because of my bet now. I think he deserves to win for dedication to this series alone. He has fought to make good TV and tried as hard as he could to play his role. He’s been a pro and I couldn’t truly say I don’t respect that. So, in summary, I would prefer Renee to win but I’ll be happy to see Bear win too. Never thought I’d be saying that a few weeks ago in the depths of Bear hatred. That’s why I love Big Brother.

Helen Wood (Big Brother 15) Dear oh dear. Look what the cat dragged in. There’s no denying that Helen Wood was almost solely responsible for everything that happened in Big Brother 15. Usually, I am all for the most entertaining housemate winning the show. But Helen Wood didn’t exactly provide entertainment, she provided something incredibly unpleasant to watch. Big Brother has always been a show that separates the cool kids from the misfits. It’s what happens in school’s and, to a lesser extent, it still happens in adult life. BB15 had never been more like a school and Helen was the top bully and queen of the cool kids. Always resorting to personal insults in an argument due to her lack of intelligence and constantly ostracising and belittling people that had the cheek to disagree with her. Usually, this sort of utterly vile character would be evicted a couple of weeks into the show but unfortunately Helen was handed a pass to the final in a task during the first week. This gave her the ultimate power, she could be a total arsehole without any worry that she might be nominated. Eventually, Helen had become so intimidating that even the public were scared of what she might to do them if they didn’t hand her £100,000. It was a victory for the bullies, a victory for nastiness, a victory for evil and I wasn’t comfortable with that at all. Sam Evans (Big Brother 14) This was one of the strangest wins in the shows history. BB viewers aren’t usually known for the sympathy vote but there really was no other clear reason for Sam’s win other than the fact that he was 80% deaf. Of course, it’s unfortunate when a young man struggles with confidence because of his hearing disability but Mikey being blind in BB9 or Steve having no legs in BB11 didn’t grant them a win. Sam seemed like a perfectly nice boy… actually, no he didn’t. Your memory may trick you into thinking that because all you can really remember is a big smile and an innocent welsh accent but Sam was actually a bit of a prick too. Quite cocky and unpleasant on a number of occasions. With housemates like Gina and Dexter in the running to win that year, Sam’s win was a slap in the face for entertainment. Plus he was just a very low rent version of BB7 runner up Glynn, one of the greatest runners up of all time I might add. Shout out to Glynn. Rachel Rice (Big Brother 9) Big Brother 9 is one of my least favourite series. It was such an odd one and, I believe, the series that fully killed Big Brother as a cultural talking point. The only truly memorable scene was Lisa and Mario dunking biscuits in their “juicy juicy tea”. There were two major problems with BB9: Nothing really happened and everyone was horrible. Honestly, almost every housemate was just so unpleasant. The house stunk of desperation. They all looked like a really haggard version of housemates that had come before. They looked tired and rough round the edges like all the years of clawing after fame was finally catching up with them. So what happens when you’ve got a house full of horrible creatures like that? Somebody who barely said a word and just tried to smile her way through what honestly must have been a pretty testing experience for anyone who isn’t a vile, fame hungry person. Rachel was perfectly nice, she was bullied a bit by Rex and she had a friendship with a woman who inexplicably just shouted “cookie” and “happy happy house” as her prime method of communication.  Rachel was nice but she wasn’t a Big Brother winner. Chloe Wilburn (Big Brother 16) Poor Chloe Wilburn had to endure the vile Helen Wood in BB16 when Big Brother put in some old housemates after completely destroying the series very early on and having no other option to keep people watching. Big Brother 16 (or Big Brother: Timebomb) was absolutely dreadful. There was an insane decision in week 3 to evict four housemates in one night and replace them with 4 new ones. While that is a very bold move by BB, it was also a stupid one. The public had just watched a dynamic form for two weeks and now everything had changed. The first two weeks may as well have never existed. It was a terrible decision and ruined the rest of the series as it never quite managed to recover. There was so much mayhem. Never had it felt more like BB was making it up as they went along. Other than extending Helen, Nikki Graeme and Brian Belo’s initial week in the house to around a month, there was also a hotel task that saw old housemates return and stay the night. Although Jasminne Lennord stayed a bit long after she started snogging Christian within the first 2 minutes of being there. BB saw opportunities and grabbed them, changing the rules to the detriment of the series. Chloe was actually a pretty good housemate, she wasn’t who I’d have chosen to win but by the end I really wasn’t bothered, I was just glad the whole thing was over. My reason for placing Chloe so low is that she won a crappy series and was also handed the biggest BB UK prize fund so far with £116,100!!! Hardly earned just by being fairly pleasant amid the mayhem. Cameron Stout (Big Brother 4) I bet you’ve been waiting for old Cameron haven’t you! Sure, Cameron will always be remembered for being one of the most boring winners of all time but he was no more boring than Sam or Rachel from the top of this list. The thing that makes Cameron a slightly better boring winner is that he won The Boring Series. BB4 will forever be known as the most boring series of Big Brother, particularly because it happened at the show’s peak. The build up following the absolutely massive Big Brother 3 was huge and what we got couldn’t have been more of an anti-climax. So Cameron was the perfect winner for that series. Plus he bloody swapped houses for a bit with a contestant in Big Brother South Africa which was a pretty huge deal. Jason Burrill (Big Brother 17) I’m not completely sure about this placement and am concerned that I’m still holding some judgement because this series has just finished. But Jason shouldn’t have won BB17. Firstly, he did nothing in the first half of the show other than have tedious arguments with his ex girlfriend Charlie. I believe that Jason won due to people feeling terribly sorry for him in that situation but I genuinely believe that Jason is just as much to blame as her. To me, he seems like a slightly manipulative, very aggressive man who I am sure wasn’t the nicest boyfriend to Charlie back in the day. The one good thing he did was play the game correctly by evicting Lateysha when he got the chance. She was favourite to win right at that moment (although so was Hughie on finale night so that’s not always important) and it was a great game move. I felt bad for him when he was being attacked for that but I don’t believe he was hard done by at any other time really. To me, he was in the boring housemate camp with Alex and Sam and I’m still so unsure how he managed to win. One thing’s for sure though, Hughie is right up there with the likes of Glynn in the runner up stakes. Anthony Hutton (Big Brother 6) BB6 is an absolute classic. It’s up there with some of the best and Anthony was an important part of that. I just didn’t think he was a hugely inspired choice as winner. It was an unfortunate case of being obvious from the start that Anthony would win, he’s your typical Big Brother winner. So when it actually happened it was just a bit boring. He was a good housemate though. Other than being impossibly attractive (yes please), he was also centre stage in Makosi’s story when they pretty much had sex in the pool and he was the object of Craig’s affection in one of my favourite Big Brother unrequited love stories. Sadly he was also friends with Maxwell and Saskia who were utterly vile and it felt like a bit of a win for the cool kids when Anthony won. Let’s be honest though, nobody in that house comes close to being as much of a BB legend as Makosi, certainly the true winner. Luke Anderson (Big Brother 13) If Anthony was a win for the cool kids then Luke A was the opposite. Known as Luke A due to another much less pleasant Luke being in the house, Luke A was the first trans man to be on Big Brother and you honestly would hardly have known. It was nowhere near as much of a talking point as Nadia had been all those years before. This was a new era and trans people were finally see as normal people by many (not Ryan from this year’s BB, as is made obvious in his vile transphobic tweet to Luke A back when he won…). Luke won because he was a really nice guy who managed to get to the end despite being in the house with some very nasty characters. There was a clear divide throughout the series and the fact that Luke A won was a huge victory for all of us who weren’t bullies at school. Unfortunately, this was probably Big Brother’s lowest point in cultural significance. The buzz from the move to Channel 5 had faded and BB was still finding it’s feet in the new home, it was a strange adjustment period and suffered in the ratings because of that, meaning the difference Luke A could have made to trans awareness was almost completely non-existent. Kate Lawler (Big Brother 3) I’m aware this is an unpopular BB opinion… but I never really liked Kate Lawler.  Big Brother 3 is one of the all time greatest series and I just felt like Kate wasn’t as worthy a winner as Alex or Jade would have been. Kate provided a lot of fun and happiness with her partner in crime Johnny but I wasn’t ever really feeling it. Back then I wanted drama and Kate gave very little. Jade was obviously the star of the series and I thought it was a travesty that she came 4th. Kate was undeniably a huge part of BB3 though so looking back she was a perfectly fine winner. At the time, though, I was bloody furious. Craig Phillips (Big Brother 1) Where it all began. Craig was a very deserving winner but looking back it was all a bit boring and predictable wasn’t it? At the time, I was rooting for Anna and I still believe she would have been a much better winner. Craig was nice, he dealt with the Nasty Nick situation brilliantly and he smiled his way through. But Anna was smart and funny, two things that Craig really wasn’t. He gave his £70,000 winnings to his friend who needed a vital operation which was a wonderful way for the series to end. That kind act clearly paid off too as Craig was reported to have amassed almost SEVEN MILLION POUNDS by 2014. Back when winning Big Brother could make you a fortune, those were the days. Sophie Reade (Big Brother 10) Following on from the abysmal BB9 was never going to be easy. The public were officially not interested in Big Brother but Channel 4 were carrying on regardless. Big Brother 10 was a triumph considering. A massive step up from series 9 and full of interesting characters who really entertained. Sophie couldn’t have been a more typically dull BB housemate when she went in. Dumb glamour model with blonde hair and bit tits. But Sophie had one thing that a lot of contestants don’t have… a personality! Sophie was a brilliant housemate. From the moment Big Brother renamed her Dogface as part of a task in week one, she was up for anything the show threw at her and took it all so well.  BB10 was a weird series, though I know it was good, I still can’t remember many specific moments that happened but I do remember that Sophie’s brilliant Northern accent and general determinism was great to watch. Pete Bennett (Big Brother 7) There were 21 housemates overall in BB7, so Pete’s win is particularly impressive seeing as he had more to beat. Annoyingly, he was bookies favourite the minute he threw himself down the stairs on launch night so the whole series was kind of a waste of time as Pete’s popularity never dwindled. The weirdest thing about this is that Pete wasn’t massively involved in any of the big storylines in the house. Other than his romance with Nikki, he really did keep himself to himself but he did it in his own crazy way, not in the way some people do it by being boring. Pete’s family like relationship with Nikki, Lea and Richard was one of my very favourite BB groups ever. It was the campest mother, father, daughter, son dynamic I had ever seen but it worked so well. Pete’s Tourette’s became entirely normal to the public after a few weeks and I’d disagree with the opinion that he got the sympathy vote as he showed that Tourette’s was something that didn’t have to define you. Aaron Allard-Morgan (Big Brother 12) The highest placed Channel 5 winner and deservedly so. When BB first moved to Channel 5, there were lots of reservations. “Why not just put it out of its misery” was the general feeling from the British public. The first series didn’t do too much to prove that BB still had a place on TV but it certainly wasn’t a bad series. It looked a bit glossier but it was still the Big Brother we knew. Aaron was probably the weirdest character in the house. He was awkward and constantly said and di the wrong thing. He was put up for eviction constantly and his housemates were probably very confused each week when he survived even though he was clearly getting boos from the crowd. What they didn’t realise was that the general public weren’t really watching anymore, hardcore BB fans were in charge now and they were supporting the underdog. Aaron was a brilliantly bizarre housemate and certainly wouldn’t place high in a list of favourite housemates ever but he was absolutely a deserving winner. It was amazing when he finally left the house as a winner and received pretty loud boos as he came down the stairs. He was the first ever winner to get boos and it was very exciting, Helen Wood would receive a similar winners welcome in a few years time. Nadia Almada (Big Brother 5) It’s strange to imagine what a big deal this was back then. It was the talk of the country when a transexual housemate went into the house but by the end of the series, to anyone that actually watched it, she was just Nadia. Her time in the house and her eventual win was hugely important for trans awareness in the UK. We still have a very long way to go but Nadia did a good job at kicking the whole issue up the arse. Away from that, she was an amazing housemate. Always there to scream and shout about something but nowhere near as shrill and annoying as her best friend Marco. She was a nice balance of both and had so many one liners. She was a fiery and explosive housemate in one of the show’s most explosive ever series. The fact that it followed the tedious BB4 made it seem even more insane, BB pulled out all the stop to prevent BB4 from ever happening again. BB5 was the year Big Brother went through it’s first major transformation and Nadia was a deserving and apt winner. Unfortunately, Nadia returned for Ultimate Big Brother and had clearly become a bit of an idiot so that tainted her place for me. Brian Belo (Big Brother 8) I’m surprised Belo is this high but there was nowhere else he could go. Brian Belo is a great Big Brother contestant, mainly because he loves it so much. Brian was a proper BB fan, like I was. He dreamed of getting in that house and the moment he was in there, he’d won already. So for him to win the whole show was incredibly fitting. Big Brother 8 wasn’t one of the greatest series. For me, it’s a very middle of the road one. Brian was one of the best things about it. Incredibly loveable and honest, the man wouldn’t hurt a fly and that really showed throughout the series. Something that may have added to his position in this list is his recent return to the house last year in BB16 where he took on the disgusting Helen Wood. He stood up to her when most were too scared to. The nasty creature belittled him and picked on him so much in the end that he jumped over the fence and left the show. Brian Belo is a hero and Big Brother legend. Two things Helen Wood will never be. Josie Gibson (Big Brother 11) I absolutely love Big Brother 11. It’s one of my absolute favourite series. Channel 4 pulled out all the stops for it’s final ever series and finally learnt how to make Big Brother great again after a few years of messing it up. It was so sad that the show had to end just as they’d made it good again. The mix of housemates was brilliant and so were the tasks, the theme, the house and basically everything. The best thing about it though? Josie and John James. Possibly my favourite every Big Brother couple. One happy, fun, overweight girl from Bristol who grew up on a farm drinking scrumpy. One incredibly good looking, grumpy Australian bloke from a super well off family. They couldn’t have been more opposite but they were such a perfect match in the house. I loved their relationship so much, it was utterly fascinating and so beautiful. Josie was the heart of the whole series and what a series it was. She was constantly funny and on the occasions where she got upset she was completely honest and bared her soul. Just a perfect housemate who I’m very pleased is still vaguely in the public eye and making money, she deserves it. Brian Dowling (Big Brother 2 and Ultimate Big Brother) So good he won it twice. Brian Dowling is just the best BB winner. His short and terrible stint as host when it moved to Channel 5 can’t even wipe the memories of what a great housemate he was. He was so funny, so loveable, so full of heart and just so brilliant. Brian made me feel it was ok to be gay when I was 14, I told him so when I saw him in GAY Late a few weeks before he began hosting BB. I was very drunk and probably very embarrassing but there you go. He’s just brilliant. It’s easy to see him as a bit of a Z list celeb who hosted some dodgy shows after he won and then faded into obscurity but when you think about what he was like as a housemate, you remember that he’s just the best. His beautiful friendships with Narinder and Bubble in BB2 were some of the greatest of all time. His absolute certainty that Helen had won and the genuine shock on his face when it was him. Him shouting “Bubble, hold me” in the dancing task. Being the actual genuine inspiration for The Only Gay In The Village due to his absolute disgust at Josh entering the house. Stubbing his toe, spinning around and throwing up all within 3 seconds during Ultimate Big Brother. There are so many memories. Brian Dowling is king and I genuinely don’t think he can be beaten.