#bb16

Sorry for the jumpscare, but it might just rival this

Happy 21 years in the industry, Sha! And here's to the next 21 in which hope all the rest of your dreams come true ❤️🌟😍❤️🌟😍

Something is clearly wrong with me. Staying up all night after a long hectic work day just to make a silly edit.. this edit.. this beast of a compilation spanning 21 years of baby boy's whole damn career.. and why? what for? The chances of him seeing, let alone reacting to this, are minimal. Public views and likes also continue to be dismal. I suspect I'm either shadow banned, or my geo misalignment (me posting in the US but majority audience for my reels in IN) limits my reach, and always will. So why, when there is literally no ROI whatsoever, why do I put myself through this?

God. Well. Some of it is obviously him... I'm clearly infatuated. Smitten more like 😄 But beyond just plain infatuation, I think something about him, his backstory, the way he conducts himself, and maybe also the social media trolls obsessed with him... all these things together seem to tug at my *materal* heartstrings in a huge way. That's why I call him "baby boy", and I feel this urgent need to protect him, from IDEK what. I think he has some sort of neurodivergent condition (while watching BB16 eps on jio, I was convinced he has ADHD) plus he had a major depressive anxiety episode on that show. Also I suspect he might have had an episode (or two) prior, maybe during or after his divorce. He doesn't seem like the kind of person who does well alone... so like the exact opposite of me hehe. And the idea that maybe he feels lonely.. it really like gets me right where it hurts the most. All that to say, I feel this need to do something to make him smile, and make him feel better (especially during times like these when he disappears from sm for days on end.) And I don't want anything in return, I just want to know he's okay, and that I succeeded in making him smile 😊🙏

Now here's the kicker... only some of it is him. The rest of it is all me. My need to fill my (currently empty) heart with an obsession that is completely unattainable, freeing me of any obligations to actually have to do anything about it - keep the status quo that I finally am really quite happy and at peace with. It's my need to occupy my mind, eyes and hands with something creative but also productive. Writing was my thing until two years ago. But oddly enough, ever since I moved into my new house, I've had this massive writer block that I don't even feel motivated to complain about. Instead, editing tools are my newest fascination and having a gorgeous but also emotionally appealing subject like Shalin prompts me to try new tools and tricks every day. Subjects at work are so dry and uninteresting to me that at the end of the day, I can't wait to push them aside and focus on something that alleviates my boredom and makes *me* smile.