Aisle Four @aisle4 - Tumblr Blog

yes shane not realising people are flirting with him but also shane not realising that HE is flirting with men he finds attractive shane who naturally flutters his big brown sparkly eyes more often whenever hes talking to a big strong handsome man shane who automatically tilts his head slightly down so his gaze is directed upwards shane whose voice turns soft and buttery while he’s delivering smooth jabs and quick compliments shane whose mouth quips into a glint of teeth and scratches the back of his neck so his bicep strains against the cuff of his t shirt shane who says ‘yeah you’d like that?’ without thinking and hums round and airy ‘mhmm’ in acknowledgement shane insisting ‘i was NOT flirting with him.’ when ilya brings it up later and ilya shrugs and says ‘you cannot help it…you’re super gay…i don’t mind, im the only one that makes you nervous’ and grins wickedly while shane blushes and makes a sound in the back of his throat as ilya descends upon him

notevengonnaanswerthat

#heated rivalry

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smokingrozanov

16 year old Shane getting flustered from a chirp from a very attractive hockey player he’s facing off against . But then the guy misses a really easy goal & Shane gets the ick so bad it shoves him back into the closet for another year

#heated rivalry

comingatthecottage

re: ilya's terrible therapist

okay i think i'm obligated to say that although i am a mental health professional very obviously nothing i post on my heated rivalry tumblr is professional advice nobody sue me or anything. i should also probably caveat that i am coming from a very specific perspective: i'm a relational psychoanalyst; i have adjunctive training in several behavioral modalities but i believe very, very strongly in relational psychodynamic work as being THE thing. for patients with complex relational trauma (aka mr. ilya rozanov), i don't believe anything else can create lasting change. i also don't believe in the medical model of mental health. these are things about which reasonable people can, of course, disagree, so i'll try to separate out things i think she does WRONG vs things i think are missed opportunities to do well/what i would do differently

comingatthecottage

THINGS THAT ARE WRONG the biggest and worst: patient presents for therapy for first time despite significant treatment barriers. patient discloses that he believes he is depressed. patient has a first-degree relative who died by suicide. your next question, your very next question, is "are you thinking of killing yourself". you don't beat around the bush, you don't imply it, you don't wait until the patient volunteers. you must ask directly and you must do so before the patient leaves your office, because there is a huge and immediate risk that this appointment is someone's last cry for help before an attempt, and the odds of a depressed patient with a trauma history related to the suicide of a parent attempting suicide is fucking staggering. it is in my opinion malpractice not to even screen for suicidal intent at this first appointment ANYWAY, i do this for all patients and to not do it for someone with ilya's history is outrageously dangerous. life-threateningly incompetent care. lack of treatment planning: doesn't take a history or anything at the first appointment. jumps directly into talking about a horrific trauma (finding his mother's dead body). sometimes people do come in to a first session in an escalated state and have to begin directly with discussing whatever is happening at that moment, and then you meet them where they're at, but ilya arrives in a calm if slightly nervous state. she should have started by laying out what therapy would look like and beginning to build rapport, not immediately being like "so how about your mom's corpse". the way she makes the diagnosis of depression is bizarre. “I think you are depressed”. she doesn't clarify whether or not she's actually diagnosing him with depression under the medical model, explain what that means, or ask what it means to him to hear that. it's also MONTHS in, after he came in suspecting depression, that she makes this diagnosis (in the US it has to be in the first session generally for insurance purposes, different, also bad). no actual screening for symptoms, no psychoeducation about what it means to have depression, no sense of prognosis which clearly upsets the patient. it is so important to contextualize a diagnosis, both what the particular diagnosis is and what the act of diagnosing means. no differential diagnosis. she knows that ilya has experienced at least one criterion A trauma for PTSD (his mother's death) but does nothing to screen for symptoms. she doesn't ask how old his sexual partners he had when he was fourteen were to screen for sexual abuse. she doesn't rule out bipolar which is a must when diagnosing depression. she doesn't ask any questions about substance use or screen for potential neurodivergence or any of a million other things. she doesn't refer to medical for potential physiological contributors for a guy whose career is "getting hit really hard in the head".

comingatthecottage

no clear treatment plan or goals, and no sense of how therapy is going to work besides… talking? the only goal ilya really sets is "be good enough for my boyfriend," and although she (rightly) pushes back on that she doesn't help him identify an alternate goal. she also doesn't explain what therapy is going to be like or how it works or help him get on board with what the project of therapy is going to be. she seems unshaken when he misses five appointments in a row (if i had a passively suicidal patient miss five appointments in a row i would not be brushing that off, we would be having a good chat about what the barriers to treatment were). culturally incompetent care: they're part of the same minority group (Russian immigrants) across one axis of identity, but Galina is not a queer hockey player (or as far as we know queer at all). she minimizes and dismisses the discrimination ilya is likely to face in his career from coming out, including the fact that he could get deported to Russia, jumping to a CBT technique that asks him to imagine the worst case scenario without engaging at all with how it feels to be in this position or validating his fears. mental health professionals have an ethical obligation to educate themselves about their patients' identities and to listen first. "I could lose my job and be deported and jailed because of my sexual identity" is not a cognitive distortion, it is a terrifying reality. perhaps an unlikely reality, but it exists. trying to use cognitive therapies to "reframe" real experiences of discrimination is, flat-out, therapeutic abuse. she also should have explicitly responded to his fear that she would out shane when he's afraid to say shane's name, not obliquely implied that she knows they're both hockey players: "i want to let you know that confidentiality extends to anything and everything you tell me, except (reiterate legal carveouts). there are no circumstances under which i would disclose your partner's identity to anyone. if you want to use his name, i won't repeat it to anyone except when we're in this room" THINGS THAT ARE POOR THERAPEUTIC STYLE IN MY OPINION AND WHAT I WOULD DO BETTER #MYNARCISSISM lack of curiosity: she does not prompt him to reflect emotionally, even when there are very obvious entry points to do so to do so. i.e. ilya says he's glad his father is dead, which is a huge emotional disclosure that is very risky for a patient to make, especially in a first appointment because he might expect judgment. and she just… asks a factual question about the timeline, rather than engaging with the emotional content in any way (as a relational analyst what i would do here is ask "what does it feel like to share that with me?", but i do not think any good therapist would like, change the subject away from the feeling)

comingatthecottage

she regularly offers direct opinions about/interpretations of things ilya says, very early in their therapeutic relationship. "that must have been very hard" in response to his father's expectations of him (which he interprets as being about sochi--he seems to hear 'it must have been hard for you to fail like that', which is, uh, bad!), "it's good that you had that," etc. in spite of the fact that he's already indicated a complex relationship with his family and himself that mean he might feel quite differently than someone else expects! was it good that he had hockey, or did it just create another burden on him and his relationship with his father, or is it somewhere in the middle? did his father's expectations feel hard? traumatizing? was he proud that so much was expected of him? when did he notice those feelings? just some questions i might ask. describing how ilya must feel about things closes off conversation. her affect and presentation in the session: ilya repeatedly notices her masking her reactions to things, like the fact that he became sexually active so young. i guess technically you're still allowed to be a blank slate style therapist, even though i don't know anyone who still does this. but if you're a blank slate, be a blank slate. don't let patients notice that you're hiding your reactions to things. so for instance i would approach that conversation by having whatever reaction i had and then saying, "you might notice i had a reaction to you saying that," and either asking the patient how they interpreted my reaction or asking them if they'd like to know what i'm thinking (and then how does it feel to know that i'm feeling concerned, etc, the relational field goes on forever). my way isn't the only way but if you're visibly swallowing reactions it's bad. she doesn't check in with ilya about how he's feeling about therapy and dismisses his fear that it's not working. tbh the only thing she says that i like is "i'm good, but i'm not that good," which IS something i might say. but she doesn't go from there, it becomes a way of dismissing his fears. i would have asked what it's like to have to tolerate such a slow and uncertain recovery process. does he think therapy can help? are there ways in which it has helped? how does it feel to talk about it? how does it feel to talk to me about it? bizarre attitude towards self-disclosure. she gives ilya next to no information about herself, which, again, is an old-fashioned but not per se wrong way to do it. just because i'm the relational yapper machine 3000 doesn't mean that every therapist needs to tell their patient anything about themselves. but she does self-disclose twice. she tells ilya that she's watching their season/is a hockey fan, and makes a weird comment that she also enjoys shopping as a coping mechanism but that bedsheets are more in her price range than sports cars. even though i'm the yappatron 3000 i would not choose to make these particular disclosures! admittedly if i had a famous patient and i knew about their career i would probably tell them that directly in the first session, i would not however make asides about it because now you're kind of creating a dual relationship. the bedsheets thing is weird bc you gotta keep a wiiiide birth around anything even quasi sexual, like don't invite a patient to imagine what your bed is like you weirdo. also finances are usually an inappropriate thing to self-disclose, because therapy is also a financial relationship! i would never joke about how a patient has more money than me (even though most of my patients have a lot more money than me), it seems likely to induce guilt and also to disturb the therapeutic frame around money which is hard to manage anyway

#heated rivalry #the more you know

bluegrasshole

i just don’t think shane respects soccer players :/ obviously he gets asked about the world cup and he knows enough about it because his husband is #European so he can give a good enough answer but inside he’s like ugh fucking pussies

bluegrasshole

SO funny in one breath he’s like ugh theyre so GAY look at them rolling around on the ground like that (as per @space-bakery) and in the next breath he’s like they’re too lanky they’re not even hot what’s the point and ilya just looks at him oh THEYRE the gay ones. uh huh

bluegrasshole

myShane

#lmao #heated rivalry

grabmyboner

ilya does that trend where u say your dog’s favourite words while pretending to be on a phone call but instead it’s shane’s favourite words. “hey yeah what’s up? oh ginger ale is on sale at wholefoods?” and shane’s head pops up in interest. “Cool. Hey did you hear about they are airing that documentary tonight, uh what is called, oh yeah, Canada Russia ‘72? yes I don’t think we will watch no. Plus we have seen so many times before.” and shane is like wait what ilya and ilya will shoo at him “Shane i am on phone. Sorry yes, what were you saying? Sunday morning am I free? usually is yoga class but we can skip it.” and shane is like who are you talking to no ilya and he’s getting so cranky trying to grab at the phone and ilya is swatting at him trying to stop it and then shane finally gets the phone and realises oh there’s no one there and Ilya is laughing and shane tackles him onto the couch going “you asshole!”

#heated rivalry

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hr-rep

Shane getting criticized for not using pride tape and he’s caught on a mic later that week saying I didn’t realize it wasn’t the sucking dick that made me gay but the rainbow . Which is how he comes out.

hr-rep

@persimmony-snicket EXACTLYYYY

#heated rivalry

robs-your-robins

The Riddler probably has such an up and down relationship with the Robins because they all tend to tackle things differently and he’s always so thrown by how they handle his riddles.

The Riddler: To free Batman from my trap, you must answer this riddle, little bird. I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with wind. What am I?

Dick, eight years old and freshly Robin: *thinking really hard*

The Riddler looking at Batman dangling upside down: ?

Batman: He just needs an extra minute.

The Riddler:

Batman: English isn’t his first langauge.

The Riddler, feeling a little bad: oh, that’s… take your time, buddy.

Jason, twelve years old: *lifting a hand*

The Riddler: -uh, yes?

Jason: Can you repeat that? The riddle?

The Riddler: um, yeah, sure. I have cities, but no houses. I have mountains, but no trees. I have water, but no fish. What am I?

Jason: Yeah, you’re a map but when you’re talking about multiple species of fish, which you probably are, you can say fishes. If you’re using fish, you’re only talking about one species.

The Riddler:

Jason: I just think you should know that. You know as a “genius”

The Riddler: The more you take, the more you -

Tim: Footsteps, where’s Batman?

The Riddler: No, you have to let me-

Tim: Nuh-uh

The Riddler: The fuck do you mean “nuh-uh”? Who raised you?

Tim, on two hours sleep, with two essays due on this fine Thursday night: *fucking launches himself at The Riddler*

The Riddler: I wear a mask but not to hide,

Steph: It's you. You're the answer.

The Riddler: You have to let me finish.

Steph, mimicking him: YOu HaVE tO LEt mE FIniSH

The Riddler: I have-

Damian: *launches himself at the Riddler*

The Riddler: Batman, fuck, FUCK, he’s fucking biting me-

#batman #tim drake

heyget

Jason Todd, pre-identity reveal, at a football game when the jumbo-tron identifies him as the best Bruce-Wayne lookalike.

Announcer: -and the teams hit the lockers! We’ll be back in 20.

Tim: Why are we even watching this? We’ve never won

Dick: We’re waiting on Alfred to call us for dinner

Tim: Just change the channel

Steph: Nah, I like watching the celebrity lookalike cams

Dick: I remember those. They have Bruce sometimes, don’t they?

Bruce, appearing at the door: Alfred is calling you all for dinner

Dick and Steph, simultaneously: 5 minutes

Bruce: What are they watching?

Tim: Celebrity lookalike cam

Steph: Hey, its’s Bruce!

Dick, laughing: They try every time, who’re they gonna find that actually looks like-

Dick:

Dick: Hey what the fuck

f4nd0m-fun

#batman

robs-your-robins

Tim: Bruce, I’m bi.

Bruce:

Bruce: You have two options. I can respond either as Batman or as Bruce Wayne. Both will be in a loving, accepting, fatherly way. But both are markedly different.

Tim:

Tim: Bruce.

Bruce: Hi Bi, I’m Bruce 🥹

Tim:

Tim: No, I’ve changed my mind. Batman please.

Batman, whipping out a folder from under the dining room table and setting it on the table: I gave you “The Talk” a few years back but was based on straight relationships. For the next hour, we will be discussing how to be safe and comfortable when having relations with a boyfriend. There will be an educational video about protection. It will be just as awkward as the other talk but it is necessary you are educated and safe.

Tim:

Tim: Can I just get a hug?

Bruce: You can for sure get a hug.

#tim drake #batman

pipluphue

who else cares about tim and dami siblingism

#tim drake #batman

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thedoubteriswise

earlier amy and I were discussing both real life hockey player sergei fedorov's baffling decision to leave an extremely successful team in favor of a far shittier one, and also this fabulous post:

and just thinking like. when ilya signs with ottawa, there will be plenty of speculation and conspiracy theories proposed to explain why the fuck he would ever do such a stupid thing. ilya is asked about it whenever a reporter comes within 50 feet of him. he is also hassled by every fan who recognizes him at the airport or in a bar. and I think he responds to this by giving a different bullshit answer every single time.

"I have developed life threatening allergy to dunkin. tim's is very bad coffee of course but it will not kill me"

"ottawa promised me free lifetime supply of little maple candies they sell to tourists, how can I refuse this"

"I have always dreamed of exciting career at treasury board of canada"

"I am russian spy actually, hockey is just a cover. unless you are the immigration agent looking at my citizen application and you are watching old interview of me to make sure I am nice enough to be canadian. in that case this is joke. ha ha."

if he wasn't the main character of hockey twitter before, he is now, and of course one of his answers is the real one - that he moved to ottawa to be closer to shane. this means that when they eventually get outed, the running gag becomes posting clips of his other stupid answers and being like holy shit. can you guys believe ilya rozanov is ACTUALLY a russian spy who's working for the treasury board of canada in exchange for maple candies??

before they're out though, the other gag is making increasingly unhinged thirst posts about shane, all of which include captions/tags about how ilya is uncancelled, free my man he did nothing wrong, if he'd signed to a peewee team on the moon because that's where his man was he would have been right, etc. etc. and THEN people start posting photos of themselves in remote or bizarre locations like hey guys. I live here in this abandoned apartment complex in belarus. to be closer to my gay lover shane hollander <3

this gives ilya's gay lover shane hollander several dozen heart attacks at first but ends up being fantastic cover, because now they can start occasionally posting their own photos together whenever they happen to be in A Location, and everyone thinks they're just going along with the bit

even after they're outed, shane is making very normal posts about where he is and what he's doing, thanking whichever sponsor or whatever. and then ilya is posting something from the same location like hi guys. I'm here at wimbledon. to be closer to my gay lover shane hollander <3

meanwhile the city of ottawa is on their official twitter like may we remind you all that we are not the middle of nowhere or a weird place to be. we are not antarctica, an isolated yurt in mongolia, or the international space station. we are literally the capital city of canada

#heated rivalry

heyget

Villain: At last! By killing the Wayne blood son, I’ll finally make a name for myself in the underground.

The Waynes, tied up in a warehouse: …

Damian: Hmph! You think someone as weak as you could- could…

The villain is pointing a gun at a mortified Jason.

Tim fucking loses it as Damian starts screaming bloody abuse in the background.

#batman #tim drake

papayafromtv

so originally Jason was buried in Gotham Cemetery, which i think makes his whole ‘disorientatedly breaking out of his own grave’ thing so much funnier. because like. that’s a public graveyard. there’s probably walkways going through it that people take to get to work or school every day. and i know a lot of people retcon that with the excuse of the loa cleaning up the broken grave so that they can keep Jason away from Bruce, but what if they just. didn’t?

Gotham is a fucked up place, and the people that live there are so used to it by now. they don’t bat an eye at the vigilantes, the fear gas, the clowns-, they have been desensitised to the weird and unexplainable. so i imagine with the fact that Bruce Wayne’s dead son’s gravesite suddenly becoming the CLEAR location of a broken out corpse, with the scratch marks on the inside of a burrowed out coffin, mud and dirt bursting up in the way that could only happen if something was emerging from below, the probably muddy footsteps leading away, not to, away from, the grave…

what i’m saying is the general public of Gotham are probably well fucking aware that there’s a zombie Jason Todd walking around somewhere, and they’ve all just collectively decided to mind their own fucking business.

there’s no new zombie-rogues, no people being eaten, and after a week or so the caretaker of the cemetery sighed and filled in the mess anyway, so nobody really thinks to mention it. of course, the Waynes are too overwhelmed by grief to ever go to Jason’s grave, and people are too scared to bring up such a sensitive subject with them, so it gets to the point where literally everyone in Gotham knows that Jason is probably alive…. but his family.

Jason comes back to Gotham as Red Hood and he doesn’t even try to have a secret identity as a civilian. nobody fucking cares. he just gets an apartment and starts walking around during the day and everyone who recognises him as Jason is just like ‘heyy! glad to see you back man, we were wondering where you’d popped off to!’. literally nobody gives a shit.

(Tim knows. he used to walk through that graveyard to get home from school, he’s known from the beginning. he knows that whatever Jason’s staying away for is his own business, and to be honest he really didn’t want to be the messenger for that particular shitstorm of information. politely, he will not be touching that with a ten foot pole.)

(Damian knew before he even came to Gotham. quite frankly, his opinion on his father dropped astronomically when he found out his English teacher knew of his brother’s residence in Crime Alley and Bruce didn’t. it’s more entertaining for him to just sit back and watch anyway. he too, refuses to say shit.)

Eventually the news reaches the upper side of Gotham, who all immediately assume that if Jason’s walking around again then the Wayne’s must of course be aware of it, so they never think to bring it up then, either. but Jason Todd-Wayne is back, and there’s always been a special fondness for that cute little street kid who nervously started getting brought along to galas and tried his absolute best to fit in and be polite, even if half the time he ended up fucking around with Dick or that Drake kid in the corner to pass the time. so if he’s back, then the elites all immediately assume that he is once again going to be a part of higher Gotham society.

so Jason Todd, secretly the Red Hood Jason Todd, hiding from his family Jason Todd, living in a shitty apartment safe house with two pieces of furniture and a lot of swords Jason Todd, starts getting invites to high-end events from all the city elites. he doesn’t even know how they got his address.

but well, he was free that evening… and he couldn’t deny that it might be a little bit funny…

his identity reveal ends up being much less explosive than originally planned, but it sure is entertaining. at least for him. Damian and Tim looked positively suicidal the whole night.

plagueislost

i like this concept so fucking much and i couldn’t stop thinking about the gala scene so i had to draw it

papayafromtv

THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD HOLY SHIT HOWD YOU DO THAT SO QUICK!?

#batman

abcdfghjklmpqrobin

Au where Batman doesn't want to tell the Justice League his secret identity but it's because he's really embarrassed about the things he's done as Bruce Wayne.

The thing is; Batman has spent years crafting and perfecting his public persona.

'Brucie Wayne' is supposed to be a dumber than life himbo, with daddy's credit card and the maturity of a seventeen year old. He's supposed to be someone so outlandishly ridiculous no one would ever even dare to mention him in the same sentence as Batman... And Batman has been acting that part perfectly.

It's a genius plan.

But then the league begins talking about maybe all sharing their secret identities, to become closer as a group and work better together. And the only thing in Batman's mind is 'Oh. My. God. Please don't'

Superman is saying something about trust and how he has come to value all of them as friends. Batman is thinking about last year Christmas' Gala, where he took off his clothes in an improvised strip-tease, and started swimming in the fountain.

Wonder woman is talking about how she wishes to strengthen their bonds so they become greater warriors. Bruce just remembered there's videos of him fucking twerking and pole dancing to Ariana Grande all over the internet.

Flash starts smiling and telling them he already trust them with his life– Bruce once said chocolate milk came from brown cows.

'Oh. My. God'.

There's just no way he's telling any of them.

artbyblue

Bruce: I-I can't.

Clark: Why not, B? Everyone else has shared, and I think we're stronger for it.

Barry: Do you still not trust us?

Bruce: It's... for the safety of my children [lying through his teeth]

Diana: You're not being truthful, Batman

Bruce, geniunely spluttering: I'm not who you'd expect, to, uh. Can this wait? Maybe forever?

Hal: Oh. My. God. He's embarrassed.

Hank, who's known everyone's identities for years: I would be too, if I were as... committed to the bit

[The rest of the league exchanges silent glances as Bruce continues protesting, and Barry speedily snatches his mask before he can keep rambling]

Everyone is silent, until:

Diana: You're telling me that batman, THE Batman, spent an entire day trying to buy a T Rex Skeleton from my museum because the T REX HE ALREADY HAD was LONELY.

Barry: My wife had to save you from falling into the particle accelerator on a tour of the flash museum???

Hal: That time you went off the grid and left Red Hood as batman, you were modeling for that underwear company weren't you?

Clark, who's been interviewing an increasingly flirty Bruce Wayne since he first adopted Dick: oh my lord

Clark, who once kissed Bruce as Superman because he thought he was going to die and had to later play it off as a kryptonian good luck custom: oh no

Clark, who has the underwear modeling campaign hidden deep in his saved files: I'm gonna die

Hal, suddenly realizing: Wait a minute, does that mean Dick Grayson the broody cop is flashy fucking Nightwing, Jason "lit nerd" Todd is red hood, Tim Drake the genius CEO is caffiene disaster Red Robin, and Damien Demonic Wayne is- oh wait no, that one makes sense

Bruce: Yeah, he's an al ghul

Everyone: WHAT

#batman

abcdfghjklmpqrobin

Au where nobody tells 10 year old Damian who Jason is. And the way they talk about him, Damian just assumes Jason is like a raccoon or something.

Damian: Grayson, why does Pennyworth leave food on the counter every night?

Dick, on his phone, not even paying attention: Oh, that's for Jason.

Damian: For 'Jason'?

Dick: Yeah. Sometimes he sneaks into the kitchen at night, so Alfred started leaving food out for him.

Damian, confused: I've never seen anyone here.

Dick: Well he doesn't always come. And last time, Bruce caught him crawling through the window and scared him away so, who knows when he'll show up again.

Damian, definitely thinking of a raccoon: So then Pennyworth is feeding a random stray that crawled out of God knows where?

Dick, annoyed: He's not a 'random stray', Damian, he's family, and he has been living in this house for way longer than you have.

Damian, trying to remember how long do raccoons live for:

Damian: I hope he doesn't die soon.

Dick: ????!!

*Later that night in the Bat-cave*

Tim, typing away in the computer:

Damian: Drake. Have you ever met Jason?

Tim: Uh. Stupid, annoying and looks like a skunk? Yes, why?

Damian, picturing a mix between a racoon and a skunk:

Damian: Is he friendly?

Tim: Well, the first time I met him, he attacked me, so...

Damian: Hmm... What did you do to provoke him?

Tim: What did I do to– Bitch–

Tim: Nothing! He just didn't like me taking 'what was his', or something.

Damian, nodding: You invaded his territory.

*The next day*

Damian: Father, when do you think Jason will visit again? I want to meet him.

Bruce: Um. I don't know, Damian. He doesn't come here often.

Damian: Why?

Bruce: Because he lives somewhere else.

Damian: Why doesn't he just live here with us instead? He would be safer.

Bruce, wincing: I don't think he would like that, Damian. He's not confortable here.

Damian: But, maybe if I befriend him I could convince him to stay.

Bruce, sighing: I don't thinks so, Damian. You have have to respect his wishes.

Damian: Oh...

Damian: I hope he doesn't get rabies

Bruce: ???!!

i-am-unreasonable

damian, in the middle of the night, standing in the kitchen doorway half asleep after exhausting patrol, sees a big figure in front of the open fridge, silently prepares for battle:

jason, in the middle of the night, hunched beside the open fridge in the manor's kitchen, locking eyes with tired deadly looking kid in pajamas: ...hi

jason, slowly moving his hands where the kid can see them, taking a second glass: ...want some orange juice?

damian, frowning: speak your name and intentions, intruder.

jason: ...i thought you, you know. knew already.

damian, frowning even more, now slightly confused: knew what?

jason, slightly ashamed: that i sometimes visit manor's kitchen at night because alfred's cooking is godsend and i don't have time for grocery shopping?

damian, going through ten stages of confusion, grief, disappointment and other emotions: you're jason?

jason, slightly indignant now, but still a little ashamed: yes? who else?

damian: i thought you were a raccoon! not some adult-wanna-be.

jason: first of all, what the fuck, second of all, how dare you.

bruce, walking in, haven't yet realised who is swearing and what is happening: language.

bruce: ...wait

jason:

jason: did you tell him i'm a raccoon?

bruce: wha- what are you talking about-

jason: was it dick?

#batman #tim drake

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papayafromtv

*the batboys on patrol, bored during a stakeout and arguing about who's been failed by the most parental units*

Tim: i dont think death should count as failure, so Dick only gets one.

Dick: yeah- well we all have one by default, because, y'no,

Jason: -look B isn't evil but he is an idiot and idiocy should count as failure.

Bruce: ...you guys know i'm on this line, right?

Damian: hush father, we're discussing.

Tim: so i get two, because i have the Drakes and then B. can my B count as two though? like, i had B normally and then i had B in the depths of grief; like that should count as-

Damian: no, no, absolutely fucking not Drake, you can't use that cop out-

Dick: -yeah, no, i call bullshit. Tim you have two, suck it up.

Jason: it really doesn't matter, literally none of you are going to even come close to beating me. i got the Todds, i got B, i got the Haywoods, i got Talia,

Tim, failing horrible at holding back laughter: yeah- yeah Jay, don't take this the wrong way but does anybody love you?

Jason: i- *wheeze* man fuck you Replacement-

Dick, also laughing: yeah- littlewing, at this point maybe you're the problem.

Jason: *cackles*

Tim: can we even count that as four though? surely if we're counting Jack and Janet as one because they're a couple then B and Talia should also be combined into one?

Damian: no, no, they should be separate. not only are they no longer together but they were attempting to parent completely separately. that's two.

Jason: yeah, fuck you! tryna lower my tally-

Tim: oh please, he's only agreeing with you so he has two instead of one!

Damian: i think you'll find i have way more than two, i far outrank you Drake.

Dick, giggling: sorry, sorry- you far outrank him at what, not being loved correctly?

Damian, fully seriously: i don't care how shit the competition is, Grayson. i'm fucking winning.

Tim: it's bullshit! you're literally the only one that wasn't adopted by somebody else! you have two at most Damian, stop lying.

Damian: well, no, because Todd should be one of mine.

Jason: EXCUSE ME?!

Dick: oooo~

Damian, raising his voice over the yells: LISTEN- listen. growing up in the league you were the only authorative male figure that was present in raising me before i came to Gotham. there is no way you wouldn't count on the board as a father figure.

Jason: NO, I'M NOT- i'm not fuckin' arguing that, you're my kid, end of. but how the fuck did i fail you?! i was great!

Damian: you literally passed me off to father and then disappeared for a year so you could go 'fuck shit up' with Arsenal and Starfire.

Dick: OOOO~

Jason: ...I- shut up Dick. I- *laughs* ok in my defence that was my version of a gap year-,

Damian: and it was my version of child neglect, you're going on the board.

Dick: suck it, littlewing!

Tim: *cackles*

Jason: yeah yeah- that's still only three for Damian, i'm still winning.

Damian: Grayson should also be on my board.

Dick: UM? HOLD ON-

Jason, instantly: OOOOOOOH, NOT FUCKIN' LAUGHIN' NOW, ARE WE GOLDEN BOY?

Dick: HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE HERE-

Tim, enjoying this way more than he should: no, no, Dick the kid has a point, you literally had custody of him when B was lost in the timestream, you definitely count.

Damian: i rest my case.

Dick: HOW THE FUCK DID I FAIL?

Jason: SUCKS TO SUCK DICKFACE.

Damian: you called me short that one time and it severely effected my self esteem. emotional abuse.

Jason: *cackles*

Damian: you also also passed me off to father again, so you are also complicit to his damaged attempt at parenting.

Bruce, offended: Damian-

Dick: what are you- YOU WERE TEN. YOU WERE SHORT. ALL TEN YEAR OLDS ARE SHORT.

Tim, instantly: Billy Batson.

Dick: WH- ok first of all, he's only tall part-time, and second of all THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS-

*Two-Face, across the street, listening to them yell through the open window of their stakeout spot*

Goon he was scheming with: ...sir, should we shoot at them or someth-?

Two-Face, holding up a finger: shh, i wanna see who wins.

#batman #tim drake

lesbianroselandry

that one scene with galina near the beginning of tlg: it's not very fair, ilya shouldn't have to choose between his hockey career and his relationship!

the rest of the book: shane should tho 👍

#heated rivalry

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