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whenever I tell a story I feel like Uncle Colm from Derry Girls

pulling yourself up by your strap-on or whatever they say

never ask a woman her age a man his salary your mutual how late it is in her timezone when she starts posting about that bisexual man

This is like a lazily rendered level from a ps1 game.

every hoohoohahah hahahoo

and every time we kiss I swear I could fly

when avril lavigne said And Hell Yeah Im The Mother Fucken Princess that was way real

The apple they fed to snow white wasnt poision at all it was just a red delicious

omg if i was an oracle i would be LYYYYYINGGGG

trust that garlic and i are well acquainted

work tomorrow is one of the worst things that can happen to you