Meow.

i think tumblr ads automatically opening a tab on your phone if you touch them while scrolling should be considered a form of malware

briefly forgot that porn was a thing and googled "doctor sex" looking for the tf2 meme. big mistake

Sometimes I think that I’m moderately intelligent and then I realize how frequently I’m deceived by things meant to fool wild animals

being mildly nearsighted keeps me humble

Human bodies are so weird like the upper half consists of every single vital organ and the lower half is legs

glad they added new maps to baseball

you spill dr pepper on the concrete and a single perfect rose pushes up out of a crack

if you vote me for president i vow to make everything the ocean again. no more land only ocean. this will solve all of our problems and replace them with new, far more interesting problems

Can you say something about fat people that doesn’t involve the phrase “tummy squish” or any variants thereof. Quickly

I know a couple fat guys and they're good electricians

(forgetting the word “touchscreen”) my mom’s new car has an amazing digital surface