THE YEAR IS 2021 and I am on my way home from a VERY long day at my new job as a school photographer. Its 5:30, I have driven an hour and a half just to get home and all I want is a beefy five layer burrito and to go to bed early.
I go through the drive through at the taco bell. This is the same taco bell that, three years prior, asked us how many sauces we wanted. My roommate responded with "we'd like to get lost in the sauce."
To which he said "lost in the sauce. Ok boss!"
And gave us an entire brown bag full of sauce packets that we are still working through to this day.
So our conclusion is that this store is operated by stoners, which is on par for a taco bell.
But anyhow, 2021, all I want is a burrito.
Pull up in the drive thru, order burrito. Compliment the cashier's nails, take the bag without checking, drive off.
I get home. I carry the bag all the way to the kitchen and set it down. The sound it makes is not the sound of a beefy five layer burrito. It rattles.
I realize now that something is wrong.
Which I realize now in 2022 after hanging out with potheads that this is considerably more than 100$ of THC products but that's unimportant. I sit there for a few moments and just kind of stare at them asking myself
WHY does this KEEP HAPPENING to me?
Girlfriend comes in and sees this.
"Did someone pay you in smokeables again?"
"No, this is the new beefy 5 layer burrito from taco bell. Obviously."
I could keep them, but what would I DO with them? I didnt know any smokers at the time that I could sell them to. You cant really... pawn THC products in my state because it's a consumable and uhhhh... possession of such products is probably illegal? Fucking I dont know, if there's a law about it everyone seems to be ignoring it.
And I cannot stress this enough: I dont smoke! And yet people keep handing me these things for some reason.
But more importantly: it is now 6:00, I am starving, and I did not get my burrito. So i make a decision and i grab the bag of vape carts and I go back to get the food I ordered.
I go inside and stand at the counter. I quietly tell the cashier that I ordered a beefy five layer burrito, and I got this instead. I lift the bag. I gently drop the bag. It makes the very non beefy burrito rattle sound.
The cashier knows by sound what is in the bag. Her eyes go wide.
"I'm not mad," I tell her. "I dont want anyone in trouble. I'm just very hungry and would like the food I ordered."
She very quietly takes the bag beneath the counter and produces six coupons for a free taco. "We'll get your order to you in a moment, thank you for your patience."
I am... containing my urge to burst out in laughter because this urban legend stuff. This is 'tumblr will call this fake' material. This is 'that happened to my friends cousin' kind of story material and I'm just... waiting for my burrito.
The manager on duty approaches me and says:
"I understand you received something uhh.. other than your order." She thinks I'm gonna tell corporate. This shit is too funny for corporate. I am not telling corporate.
"I dont want anyone in trouble," I repeated. "I'd just like to make sure it gets back to its owner and make sure I get the burrito I ordered."
"Right. Right. Right away."
She gives me six more free taco coupons.
It is deathly quiet back there and I am trying so hard not to laugh at the absurdity of all of this. Like... how did I get here? What happened back there to lead me to this awkward situation? What farcical theater piece am I now a minor character in? Will I exit left persued by a bear?
The cashier returns with a bag. "Once again, I'm REALLY sorry."
I take the bag. I check it this time.
This is indeed a burrito.
I leave with my burrito, twelve free taco coupons, and the sense that I just created chaos for an hour.
2087
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