Muffins in Mid-Afternoon

Has a worm ever gotten struck by lightning

idk what it is about kids these days that makes them so funny but in any case my friend just told us about how her younger sister babysits for a 7 and 9 yr old and one day they said they wanted to play “bus drivers” and they made wheels and everything but then the game was just being bus drivers at a union meeting discussing their problems

Once I said "My gender is whatever's funniest at the time" and my coworker stops dead in his tracks, turns slowly and says "So are your pronouns honk/honk?" killing me instantly

fixed a problem at work that i vaguely saw a manager fix once and i did it faster which means that i get to take his skin i get to take his skin i get to take his skin i get to take his skin i get to take his skin i get to take his skin

I had a dream that Joe Biden addressed the nation wearing a Miko robe like a Shinto priestess. He was also visibly 8 months pregnant. He didn't talk about that until the press asked him about it, to which he replied "I bear the child of a great spirit" as if that was like, something mildly inconvenient like getting stuck in traffic.

i stepped in my kitchen late last night and I ain’t had a single snack in the cribo. went back to bed mad disgruntled. felt like oliver twist. like a pre industrial revolution british kid or something

This is why I decided to learn how to bake.

brother i said i missed the bus and you telling me this is why you became an astronaut. where do we go from here?

i care so much

fags are allowed to say dyke and dykes are allowed to say fag in the same way that youre allowed to run up and slap your sibling on the back of the head

Writing prompt? No. Writing much delayed.

The worst thing in the entire world is when you’re sweeping a big pile of dirt into a dustpan and it leaves that little coke line of grit behind. No matter how you position your pan or your broom and no matter how many times you sweep over it your outcome cannot change. As immovable as fate. I hate it so

Get a wet paper towel and wipe up the last line of dust with it. No fate is so immovable that we cannot change it.

“don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years

Fun fact: that's the same goal!

You can't do the former without doing the latter!!!