a little something spacey

sending my most horrid and evil energies directly to mr trumps stupid little lungs on this fine october morning 😌

u can say pspspspss to get my attention bro its ok we're mutuals

Okay howmst the fuck has a ship doctor in the far future never handled a birth without the father present? Are sperm donors and gay couples and trans women no longer a thing in the bajillionth century CE?? :/

this is an awesome meta to read while you invite your coworker to watch you give birth to spite a racist.

(cuts into the gender reveal cake and blood gushes out)

you jest but there’s a thing in the south where we have lamb-shaped easter cakes but theyre red velvet. you put frosting all over it to look like lamb wool but because its so humid down here, the red dye starts to leech into the frosting so when you cut the cake, any runny frosting is like blood and you’re butchering a lamb cake. or maybe that’s just my family and close friends? idk but it’s really funny to see a bunch of little children march around with a lamb head on a plate leaking red runny frosting

Southerner Here! We do not do this! I think this person is in some Southern US Gothic version of the Wicker Man!

why would you willingly go to mass

free wine

well no actually, there’s taxes in mass soo....... yeah

it's not like they can make you put money in their little pouch. just say no. fucking pushover

i think we are talking about different things

oh er sorry for being mean then. what the hell did you mean though how does a church tax you

i am talking about the state of massachusetts

you're just making that place up to freak me out

This is hands down the best tik tok ever made.

My aesthetic: when you take off your glasses on a highway and all the lights go soft and smudged, a trail of amber behind you like a quiet afterthought

My aesthetic: keeping my own glasses on so I can see the road and not die

Im so sorry youve been trapped in the passenger seat all these years Yellow.

GOD PLEASE LET ME OUT I MISS MY FAMILY

I’d have to wait months or even years for another chance to reblog this, so why the fuck not?

I HATE the one about telling her she’s been in a coma but tge rest of these are fucking hilarious.

So I had a partner a while back. I had kind of a reputation at the time for being unflappable, so needless to say they were overjoyed when they discovered the disturbed faces I made when they did a (pretty good, I have to say) impression of the vocals from the ‘We Like The Moon’ song. For a while I was without a counter to this practice, until I learned that they reacted in a similar way to me saying “monkeymonkeymonkeymonkeymonkey” quickly in a raptly intent tone of voice.

honestly though it’s heartwarming to see something so traditional in a nine-digit financial fraud nowadays, instead of some kind of shell game with imaginary instruments or misreported profits or whatever. they actually had physical fake gold that could pass a cursory visual inspection! how aesthetic

I thought the traditional copper scam was to use it as collateral for multiple loans from multiple banks who don’t realise they’re all claiming the same asset, but painting the copper gold makes it even funnier!

I genuinely thought this was another weird tumblr add

Can I watch a great film knowing the actresses in it were terrorized and mistreated the entire time? Can I watch a football game knowing that the players are getting brain injuries right before my eyes? Can I listen to my favorite albums anymore knowing that the singers were all beating their wives in between studio sessions? Can I eat at the new fancy taco place knowing when the building that used to be there got bulldozed eight families got kicked out of their homes so they could be replaced with condos and a chain restaurant? Can I wear the affordable clothes I bought downtown that were probably assembled in a sweatshop with child labor? Can I eat quinoa? Can I eat this burger? Can I drink this bottled water? Can I buy a car and drive to work because I’m sick of taking an hour each way on the subway? Whose bones do I stand on? Whose bones am I standing on right now? 

It’s a thankless job, sending awful images to my friend to make them curse me out. But someone has to do it