truth be told:

...to take my last breath.

I'll ask for forgiveness first of course. I'm hoping the Lord let's me in the gate, even if it's the side gate. All sin is sin, my heart is stone, but I hope the Lord saw that there was a time when I gave Him all I could. I hope He doesn't forget me even after I kept screwing up...over and over and over again.

I hope He remembers me.

Until then I'll let life take me where it takes me. I've lost all agency. I'm not mentally or motivationally equipped to thrive, I know, "It's not the hand you're dealt it's how you play your cards," and all of that, but what happens when you literally are incapable of visualizing a world where your achievements are anything more than "meh"?

It's like there's this wall I can't break through...this wall of doubt and fear that says whatever I attempt is destined to fail and make a fool out of me. It glares down at me everytime an opportunity arises. You know, a chance to take the unexpected road and show what I can do.

It scoffs and laughs, "You know you're gonna @#$% that up right? Come on, stop playing yourself: you're a lazy, slow a$%-hat stop play-acting like you some kinda hero. Get the #$&! outta here, God knows you suck too, that's why you don't hear His voice anymore: He done up and left, He gave up: too busy attending to his real kids, the true believers, the move-makers. He ain't got time for a nobody. He lied. He will leave you and He will forsake you, He left His OWN SON to suffer on the cross. How the hell do you think He'll piss away time waiting for you to get a clue? Wake up fool, get moving or get out the way...move @%#$^ get out the way, get out the way #,$%&, get out the way!"

Bladdie wall.

Each time there's an opportunity to do a good thing, my icebox heart makes the wrong choice, the anxiety wells up and the cooler box in my chest makes another excuse and shows my true colours. I'm just a dirty, rotten scoundrel who really just wants people to think well of me without me actually having done anything to earn that respect. What I'm doing isn't good enough, it never was and will never be. I could really give this thing a go, step out of my comfort zone and try! I really could you know, give living the old, "college try!" I just can't see how I'll manage to do that consistently, day in and day out. It's exhausting and feels disingenuous like who am I kidding right? It's just a matter of time before they figure out that I don't really care and that I'm a selfish psycho anyway - I do good sometimes just to give the impression of care, but fail to keep it up. Even my sadness isn't consistent, overall maybe, but day-to-day: some days I'm downright joyful and awesome to be around (possibly only when with my fam or close cousins)! The rest of the time......eish.

There is a sliver of something that makes me think, "Man, I know in another universe if I didn't hate myself maybe I could've been something. Maybe. I could've been a...........[ insert embarrassing dream here too embarrassing to share even with you ], brave and forgiving....forgiving of others and myself."

Anyway, that's a dream for another life.

Thanks for listening distant angels of the sweet interwebs. It's been real and a rollercoaster journey. If something good does come of the years I have left to live then this 8-year long blog detailing my wilderness experience will be a time capsule testimony to it and if Tumblr and the web in this form still exists in the future: best believe I'll direct unbelievers right to here. I'm talking especially to the young / old and afraid, the anxious and the lonely, the self-loathers and the hopeless: if you were directed here by me, there's hope friend. If you weren't: I'm either long dead or living a small, anonymous life somewhere out there in the ether.

Like I've heard so often said in films or shows I've seen: I write to have some record that I was here, that I existed and that I died as that will probably be the only legacy I leave behind. Sometimes people don't live extraordinary lives, but memories of who they were and traces of their personality or spirit live on in the stories, bodies and minds of their kin / offspring. What will be said of mine other than I was here and then I was no more?

Time for this mixed up South African male to say, "Peace out," for the last time.

Hope to catch you in the upper room some day.

Be well friend,

Hi small world. It's been a few minutes since I last said "hey." I hope you're doing good, soo good that you can't contain your joy. I wish that for you...a deep, bubbling, effervescent joy that would blow the lid off anything or anyone trying to contain it.

Well that paragraph just fluffed my plans to vent, lol. How can I write anything sad after that bright intro...sherbert. Ok, well fudge that idea.

Let's see...what happened since the last post...there's a new pup in the house that arrived last December, there's a new baby on the way via my younger sibling that's due in late August and I won the biggest award you can get at work. I clocked my job so to speak, lol. I was shocked by that one as I could list AT LEAST 10 more deserving employees for the title, but it showed me that when you're in the favour of God he'll bless you even when you don't deserve it and you're feeling like a complete fool (trust me, if you had to see the photo of when I received it you'd know what I mean, lol).

Update over. Oh, I'm no longer a lone ranger in the office, by the beginning of this week the office was full once more although somehow I've found myself a blady outsider already. Man I suck at socializing and spitting words plus I dread teaching or telling others how to do stuff. I mean surely their knowledge is greater - I've always been more comfortable doing this: purging words onto screens and sometimes onto paper (rarely though these days) that no-one will ever see. I sense a vibe building already and it ain't a soft, fluffy one either. Ai (edit 06022020 - today was different, it looks like I was wrong about this).

Either way, I watched an incredible vid on Sid Roth's "It's Supernatural" YouTube channel where Tracy Cooke - a prophet of God (he doesn't call himself "Prophet Tracy Cooke", he just answered the call in his life) - ministers to people in the audience and gives a teaching from 2 Kings and how every believer can receive the gifts of the spirit. Fascinating stuff. I had a taste of it in the classes I took last year. I prayed in tongues and received words of knowledge (albeit short ones) and other downloads from the holy spirit that were confirmed by the people I was assigned to in the group exercises.

The last while I've felt pressure and immense distraction, such so that it pushed me away from the Lord. I didnt have lus for things of Him over December and early Jan until I decided to fast and pray again. Been doubting my purpose lately and have lost the will to live again, even today I was plotting how to take my last pennies and disappear from here...maybe travel to a distant country and break contact with everyone left in my life even my family and maybe rot away somewhere far. Despite those emotions, I've still been progressing with my Bible reading plan ever so slowly (nearing the end of the plan I began in 2015 that was meant to be done in 2016 that I'm still busy on in 2020, but I won't give up...only 2.5 months left of it to complete...the home stretch okes).

Ja no. "Life bru," as my beloved cousin would say. I miss that oke more than I care to admit.

All I know is, I'm trusting in the Lord - He knows best. If I can make a way to complete the life group homework by tomorrow I'll go back to the group for the first time this year. I know I need it and always feel good after having gone. ALWAYS. But I know I have the battle of walking through the awkward greetings and small talk in the beginning to get through, man I have just not got the hang of that most basic of skills - I don't know what happened, the rest of my fam is so well-adjusted.

Anyway. Peace out peeps, a man's getting old. There's still hope though. Help me to repent Jesus, I need to turn around or I'll be this way forever and die on the pages of this blog...alone and forgotten as if I was never here.

Ok, enough of that. There's still rain (as I write I hear a thunderstorm brewing in the distance), there's still rainbows, there are still sunrises and sunsets and beautiful vistas. Puppies, smiles and belly laughs: you know the ones that cause the odd trickle tear.

Lord,

You have blessed me with much in my life and in the past year especially - you have shown me what it is to have a deeper relationship with You and I'm so grateful. You have given me strength and have shown me your amazing grace and incredible peace when I purposefully draw near to you.

I feel strong when my eyes are fixed on You, that disappears quickly as soon as my eyes fix on my current situation and when I turn around and look behind me. I'm at my weakest when I compare my life and my personality to others and let the pressures of life weigh on me.

I'm getting better at realising when things are about to turn sour and when my fleshly feelings begin to overtake my focus on You and my knowledge of your incredible power. I'm sensitive to your presence and know immediately when my focus drifts...I go back to my old behaviour and begin to wallow in self-pity and anger overcomes me.

Today though Lord, I know: no longer do I have the excuse that I didn't know about the tools to protect myself or that I couldn't rely on You to rescue me from temptation and the pit of despair. Scripture, prayer, praying in tongues, worship through speech and song, fixing my thoughts on your countenance: I know because I've done it before and those weapons have yet to disappoint me. I have the authority to resist all that attacks me, I no longer need to trust in my feelings.

I trust in You.

Even when my mind tells me what a fool I am in general and what a fool I am for believing I can improve as a human being, when I fix my eyes on Jesus, even THEN I can ride those thoughts out...let them play out, but there's a deeper knowing in me despite those thoughts. A nagging that whispers Jeremiah 29:11 and John 15. A deeper realisation that where I am now is not all and everything and it most certainly isn't the end.

I never knew I could be calm in the midst of complete confusion and hopelessness of the mind. I never knew I could be OK with the mystery. The missionary who preached in church yesterday mentioned a time in his life just before his Dad passed away - his Dad had a degenerative brain disorder that ate away at his cognitive ability and memory - where he was watching his Dad, a pastor, essentially deteriorate to the point beyond purpose and apparent usefulness. The missionary said in that time: he, "developed a tolerance for the mystery of God." It struck a chord with me. He became OK with living not knowing 'why', not knowing the reasons for his Dad going through what he went through or for anything for that matter. He just trusted. Trusted in the Lord.

I feel the same way now. I've been asking 'why' for as long as I can remember, as long as I've been alive, yearning to find purpose as I never quite felt at ease in this world.

Why indeed..

My mind can't see a permanent way out of groundhog day - the mountains are higher than the Earth has atmosphere. When I put my faith and trust and hope in Jesus though and when I stare into His eyes, it doesn't matter. None of that matters.

He is enough.

I came here to pray through these words about an old situation, an old tie, an old longing from the past that I've been struggling to put to bed even now: but perhaps I've answered my own question. I have the authority, the strength and the power - in Jesus - to let go of old, residual feelings. Put them to bed, once and for all and be OK with letting go. I know it's only still alive in me and if I stop feeding it, hanging on to it and if I give it FULLY to Jesus: it WILL pass away and I can close that chapter and put that book up on that shelf entitled, "Lessons learned."

A thought came to me that perhaps the Lord slowed my thinking and movement down so I could be the one to illuminate the details differently gifted people might miss in the fast lane on their way to the moon. It must be, as I enjoy just staring at the moon and at colourful clouds. I don't know. And now I'm becoming ok with not knowing. Man, that feels good.

Dear Lord, I leave this feeling, this unhealthy attachment in your hands Jesus. I submit it to you - I know I haven't done well by searching the pain out for some insane reason, but I realise this too is an addiction I cannot seem to let go of on my own. With you though, all things are possible so I give it to You Lord. Remove this enigma from my life and help me to move forward so I may build new, healthy, Godly relationships that are pleasing in your eyes Jesus.

Waiting for inspiration.

Tiny sparks flutter through the day

and pass by all too quickly.

It's been a while since I've been here...

done this...put on this old t-shirt.

I missed the familiar scent of fresh blood on a crisp, blank page. It's like a concrete wall descended from the heavens to block the conversation.

The words won't come out.

This?

This is me banging my fists against it, ripping my flesh to the bone in denial. The flow went out the window, yet...

My spirit...

My spirit in me has grown closer to God, learning to trust in Him for breakthrough and He's already come through in a big way, though he says He's not done yet.

I'm learning to trust Him with more, I'm learning to let His peace fill me more and more, I'm learning to see others as He sees them, I'm learning to love me a little more and I'm learning to cling to faith despite the road disappearing before my eyes.

All for His glory, he revealed purpose to me and renewed my strength. The classes have been illuminating, the mentors incredible, the wisdom gained invaluable. He taught me to enjoy being with Him in His presence despite the raging storms and bitter desolation all around me. He showed me joy in the midst of pain, comfort when I felt alone and unleashed a supernatural peace when all I had were destructive thoughts. My little mustard seed is growing.

There is none like you Lord. Even in the bitter reality of life in the last days, you continue to amaze me with your endless love.

My pen may have dried for this season, but I won't despair as you work all things together for the good of those who love you.

This feels so strange.

I managed to keep my mood up for the whole day even in the midst of sadness around me. This is an incredible achievement for me. I mean usually my thoughts would've overrun me by now, but they haven't. I'm still standing, refusing to give in to hopelessness. This must be you Lord Jesus, it can only be you. You know why? I have felt this way before, I've been in situations where I've felt inadequate and rejected before, but never before have I been able to get on by myself and with Jesus like tonight and the last few days. I think making an effort to read my Bible and push through with my Bible plan has made the difference. I have been diligent the last few days in reading and I can sense the Lord is strengthening me which just makes me want to go deeper into scripture. I mean I began the reading plan in January 2015, its only supposed to take 1 year of reading every day. Four years down the line and I've only just passed halfway this past week.

I know.

I have a feeling my life is already set to take the scenic route.

ASIDE

Shout-out to the widows at 65-plus, I'm coming for you ;). No need to crochet solo or garden alone, your man's got you and he's bringing along some smooth sonnets to witness sunsets on park benches. Lord knows I'd have a stack at the ready by then.

Ok, back to present day.

It appears everyone else's route is set to fastest on their lifetime Waze app. I listen to people sometimes and think WOW, they've lived 10 lives already with the things they've done and the places they've seen it blows my tortoise brain. I'm just trying not to sweat my bodyweight out each time I stick my neck out my shell to say a basic, "Hi, how's it going?" To think all God cares about though is our character and how we develop that - it's a comfort, but also not in that it's the hardest thing to develop although it's something every person on Earth can develop despite circumstances.

My mind right now is feeding me all kinds of thoughts which make me feel rejected and pretty crap. Even though I'm making decisions to put myself in social situations I can't find the confidence to spit enough words out my mouth, it truly does feel like I'll never get this right whether in my own strength or even with God. BUT, for the first time, I must admit: I don't feel hopeless for some or other reason. Maybe this is the protection of fixing my eyes on Jesus and his love for me instead of what my mind is telling me. He says my identity is in Him and not in my abilities, my gifting, my job or even my family or usefulness to the world. My identity is in Him, if He didn't want me here I wouldn't be here. I think it's finally beginning to sink into my subconscious. That's actually pretty amazing as I managed to stay positive and joyful even up until now at 00:18 Saturday morning.That's good going, come on.

Despite feeling a physical knot in my stomach, an anxious ball of sadness and chilling on the cusp of tears not knowing what to do to make things better: my spirit is whispering in my ear that everything's gonna be alright like the Bob Marley song.

Man. That means a great deal. When your worth is no longer caught up in your parent's approval or attention, when your joy is no longer hung on the words of your friends or social media interactions and when your peace doesn't come from having a plan, it comes from the Lord.

That is truly beautiful.

I can just be and know that all is as it should be. My hope, my strength, my joy comes from a higher source - my God is an awesome God and I will praise Him until I expire for He has been nothing but good to me.

I am beyond grateful. Life is good, full stop.

Well. As far as my little brain can comprehend. To a degree: I know how you feel Lord...when you say you want a relationship with us and not just for us to call on you when we need something or need assistance or rescuing from a tight situation. You want us to speak to you all hours of the day, when we're excited and when we're upset or just to chat and spend quality time together. We are made in your image after all.

It's good to feel wanted for who you are and not just what you have to offer. I get it now Lord, it hit home recently and again tonight. I know I'm a difficult human being, not the type of person people desire to have around, I wouldn't want to be around me much either - I'm a moody bastard at best. The past few weeks have had me feeling used more intensely than ever (even if it wasn't the truth, it felt that way). Used for everything but who I am, perhaps those on the other side don't see it that way, but when the only time someone reaches out to you or is especially nice toward you is because they need this or that or because they feel they owe you - it's pretty disappointing. It's as if every interaction, even with family lately is a transaction devoid of presence. I didn't think I'd ever be the guy worrying over what seems frivolous to be honest, but it stings nonetheless. It's probably why I enjoy speaking to the void so much. I will be honest though, it's not always doom and gloom - there are times when I chat with my older sister where I can sense we're both paying close attention to the other in those moments which keeps the words flowing and much is learned.

Either way I always wonder if I wasn't here would it make much difference? Probably not. I believe (I guess I shouldn't believe THIS belief - sorry Uncle Rick, but ok) I add auxiliary value. The kind of value that's nice to have or necessary only when you've run out of all other options - the last resort. I know that Jesus loves me and YOU deeply. I'm HIS first choice. You're HIS first choice (remember we're dealing with omnipotence here). If that wasn't true, do you think He would've gone through all that suffering for nothing? He is someone who desires my company. Someone who has given me the world. Someone who gets more than a touch sad when I don't say hi or have time to chat. The creator of the universe wants to spend time with me.

Fancy that.

Just for laughs, I found the below meme quite funny even though it's in a mocking tone its too cute not to share. Plus, it is true though - once you experience the love of Jesus, you'll find it hard to search for love anywhere else. You have to forgive the doggo for wanting you to experience Jesus' love too, lol. If you have Him, you have everything you'll ever need - trust me. No-one loves like Him and no-one will be by your side every single step of the way, giving you wisdom, encouraging you, mourning with you and lifting you up in a multitude of ways as He WILL, no matter what your situation.

Ok, enough of the emo purge.

Stay up good people, Jesus truly loves you more than I or any other human being is capable of - so let him in and let him shine a light in the places you've locked away so deep you've forgotten they even exist. Prepare to be shaken up for the better though. I know I'm being turned upside-down and inside out as I write this. My flesh and my spirit are cut up with the constant battle for dominance of my thoughts and thereby my actions. After praying I feel strong and joyful, but as soon as my foot is off the go pedal my thoughts turn to self-loathing, cussing, anger and bitterness toward those I felt abandoned me. If I'm completely truthful with myself: I never took the risks to connect with people regularly despite opportunities to do so. I wasn't brave enough to spit out even the simplest of conversation starters, overthinking always choked me out. I hate that, but now I have to press on for the rest of my life's sake. My spirit seems over the moon about it all though - it can't stop speaking in tongues (which I just started doing like in the last two weeks - newbie over here). If my victory over the man I've been up until now is going to come, I best continue praying that way. I've heard and read it's the only direct line to the Lord that leaves NO GAPS open for the evil one to penetrate. It's power beyond the usual which is what I need to break through the wilderness I've been trodding through for years now.

Watch this space - or don't: your call. If you don't ever again, remember: when you're feeling alone, useless and/or forgotten by all, remember the one who loved you enough to die for you.

His door is always open and he can't wait to chat to you :).

P.S. That line sounded so infomercial-rag (pronounced "raaa-ggghhh" [it's a guttural sound, the "gghhhh!!"]).

Sorry man.