#lbhj

Peace, internets.

Jesus, your will be done - I surrender.

I have faith the man upstairs has my back, I will keep walking on until.

Built up quick to be broken down slowly. Can the where so heavily weigh on me? Can the why not show itself? To vanish Lord is all I desire, but for your Word, Lord: Your Word's the fire. Jeremiah 1:5 Faith in You - the manufacturer. Only You know this product's purpose. In Your presence I wait patiently. Patiently. I wait. I'm IMPATIENT Lord!! I don't UNDERSTAND!!!! I'm FRUSTRATED Lord, what's the PLAN?? Why?? For what, who and when? With whom, where and how long? To what end Lord, to WHAT END?! Isaiah 55:8 Humble me you always do. Grateful I am to You. In my pain I worship You. Brawling with inner demons to face You, I stumble through my wild temper to embrace You. My faith grows. Matthew 11:28 Your calming presence like a balm, it soothes. The gifts you've given me - I'll know soon. Still here, made in your image and likeness I pray, "Holy Spirit, pick me up with your guidance." And though I'm spent, Your stores never run empty. Your Love never reaches it's peak. In your shadow I find solace and surrender. All to You Lord in this brief time. Just now, you've led me to find Ephesians 4 in a rhyme. Inspiration: divine. In Jesus' name, amen.

...the past four weeks have been an in-depth exploration helped along by honest people. The main discovery being that there's life in this body yet. I have to keep on with head, heart and hands ready for whatever's next. Strict definitions of what should be are gone, renewed excitement is ignited once more. I can't wait.

Why am I still here Lord? Why didn't you let me die on that table so only my sister could carry on living. I've served my purpose. There's no need for more tortured souls like me in the world. We don't need more pressure cookers waiting to explode or implode. What humour can be found in loneliness? What joy can be found in pretense? None I say. Perhaps for those in denial. Why don't you answer me?

The reflecting orb teeters. A tangerine hangs low for the slow loris.

...I can't do this bs anymore. Carrying on everyday pretending, moving my limbs, opening my eyes, forcing a smile. Breathing. Every day. Its becoming a chore I'm too tired to do. According to the implicit rules I'm supposed to be maturing, becoming a man, becoming more than this, but what honestly is the point if I'm an insufferable bore. The words I write here are as much excitement as you'll get from a brother these days. It feels like I'm regressing, losing my mind...it's not supposed to be like this, but to be honest I always knew there would come a day when everything would come to a head. My bones are telling me it's coming, my dreams concur, my conscious mind isn't arguing. I'm at saturation point. The more time passes, the further down the black hole I go and the more I realise how ill-equipped I am for this life. I'm of the opinion that if I cannot give my best most of the time, I will never be in the elite groups that I find myself surrounded by. These are the people that move civilisation forward, the real game changers of this generation, not the ones who are happy to be comfortable in their tiny bubbles. I'm afraid of falling into that bubble, that comfort trap..perhaps I've already fallen. For all I know it's probably been my home as long as I can remember. I know I'm lazy, but take that laziness and multiply it a million times and you have the crippling fear that flourishes inside of me - the fear of doing anything, the fear of the unknown, the fear of putting myself out there, the fear of failure. This fear is debilitating, it keeps you in a cage...a comfortable cage, but a cage nonetheless. It's real and like the lioness whose face I put myself in front of on a recent trip: if you submit to it, it will murder you. I've been hiding or trying hard to draw further and further away from people, to distance myself from having to act like shit's ok. I suck at saying no and would rather sit through pleasantries than upset apple carts. So I continue to say the odd word here and there to show I'm still breathing. Everyone cares only as much as you care to entertain them..otherwise they're gone: I do the same...even less. But one can only hide in plain sight up to a point, when it gets too much it's difficult to hide so I withdraw. Right now I'm writing this from my room while my family and extended family enjoy quality time together. They haven't seen each other for some time. It's funny, I keep running hoping I'll go far enough into the darkness to bump into a kindred spirit and a wandering soul like me (maybe you?) willing to share a whiskey-drizzled cup of coffee. Like the lady in Theodore Sturgeon's tale: I'm writing letters and posting them into the sea (or the web) hoping they'll find someone who's willing to listen to the true story and who'll share theirs with me. We're all human. I might be less capable of dealing with life in terms of my mental state, but I also have dreams like you (although they seem impossible to me most of the time). Who doesn't love good conversation and awesome company? I especially enjoy when I'm able to come out of my shell long enough to contribute to the party though it rarely happens. It has happened before though and those were the awesome moments I'll forever replay in my head. Humans are social creatures by nature I know and we're all wired so differently. Ironically though these differences that appear to shut others out prove more often than not to be the curtains behind which our greatest joys lie...if we're honest with ourselves in the moments we draw the curtains. I don't know, all I know is that I become energised by filling blank spaces with words the few moments inbetween contemplating not being around anymore..wishing to be struck dead. That's all there is to it really.