There is a Purring Cat on My Lap

you can fix any illness or injury by humming to yourself 

nobody should be alone in the bathroom, ever 

if you’re scared of someone, just fluff up your hair real big and they’ll probably leave you alone 

when you pee on something, you own that thing. congratulations! property is urine 

if it makes a sound like food, it is definitely food and you should try to eat it no matter what 

hitting someone in the face is an appropriate way to thank them for doing your hair 

when your friend is sad, sitting on top of them will make them feel better 

if a gross dude is trying to have sex with you and you’re not into it, just shrug your shoulders and walk a few feet away and he’ll forget what he was doing entirely 

missed the toilet? it’s ok. just kick some tp over it and nobody will know the difference. it’s also ok if you don’t even manage to cover it up as long as you tried 

when you have leftovers, scratching the table around your dish will keep them fresh and tasty until you’re ready to eat again 

if you are lonely and want affection, headbutting your best friend at full force is the best way to let them know you want to hang out 

jealous because someone else is getting all the love? berate them until they leave the room. the other person will then be happy to immediately transfer their affection to you 

silently and grimly kicking your brother in the stomach is a fun way to spend an afternoon 

there is no limit to the number of times gravity can be discovered 

it’s very important to keep yourself hydrated! find the stupidest possible way to drink water and do that. make sure to get your neck nice and wet for no real reason 

when you’re finished styling your coif in the morning, remember to eat the hair you’ve combed out for a morning pick-me-up snack 

doors should never be closed. if a door is closed it is a terrible mistake and must be remedied immediately by screaming at your mom 

taking a shortcut to your favorite restaurant means that the restaurant will be an entirely different place by the time you get there 

for a dramatic and loveable makeup look, wing both your top and bottom eyeliner all the way out to your ears and then draw a little “m” on your forehead 

when it’s time to take the edge off, scatter your favorite drug on the floor and just roll around in it until you drool 

You can buy cookies online from any troop with a page set up.  People bought so many cookies from troop 6000 (who is based out of a homeless shelter in NYC) that is broke the counter on the website.

Here’s six troops from high poverty areas that may struggle to reach their goals. Individual troops list on their page what they’re doing with funds. for many of these its simple things like badges or craft supplies. Get yourself some cookies.

troop 168 Sabra Grande, Puerto Rico 

 Troop 3559 Chinlee, Az (Navajo nation)

 Troop 31897 Meadow Bridge, West Virginia 

Troop 70115 Rena Lara, Mississippi 

 Troop9626 Kykotsmovi Village, AZ  -Hopi Nation

Troop 30349 Darien, GA 

You can also just donate cookies on there and they’ll be distributed to the local community. (I work at food pantry here and clients are always excited to see cookies on the shelves)

i saw both birds of prey and the witcher with my bff, who is a straight cis man, and in both cases he enjoyed them because i enjoyed them so much, and god bless him for that, but when i asked him what HE thought of them, he said he didn’t particularly like them. and we had a long discussion about how the plot comes secondary to the characters “so it’s like the story doesn’t even matter” he said. and i told him, do you know that’s how most fanfic is too? and character-driven stories where the plot and stakes are less important than the growth of the protagonist are often the kinds of stories women are drawn to??

and i asked him, who is the audience? he didn’t know. i asked, do you think this is a story made for you? and he said, i guess not. (i should pause here and say we have these kinds of discussions a lot; i’m not like baselessly interrogating him. he made it clear he wanted to be having this conversation.) and then i said, if it’s not made for you, how can you enjoy it? he said he didn’t know.

and then i told him this is what it’s like to be a woman watching media made by men, that “ehh, it was alright but it obviously wasn’t for me” feeling he had while watching birds of prey and the witcher is threaded through every second of our lives. and so we’ve had to develop the tools to find ourselves in stories, to empathize with people who aren’t like us. this is true for queer people, people of color, and disabled people too. 

i told my bff he would like these things if he watched them through a woman’s mind. he said he didn’t know how to do that. and i told him that i have to watch everything to a man’s mind all the time. i know how to see through a man’s eyes in order to enjoy stories that are by and for men, but men have never been tasked with seeing something through a woman’s eyes in order to make it for them.

Merry: ?I am now

Boromir: what are baby hobbits called

Merry: …hobbit… babies?

Boromir: yes those, what do you call them?

Merry: hobbit babies.

Boromir: yes but what are they CALLED.

Merry: hobbit. babies.

Boromir: but what are they called?

Merry: I give up *goes back to sleep*

Merry: hey Boromir

Boromir: hm?

Merry: last night. did you wake me up. to ask me what hobbit babies are called.

Merry: or did I dream that

Boromir: ………………….you never answered the question

Merry: yes I did

Boromir: no you didn’t

Merry: Frodo. Sam. Anyone. please help.

Sam: Mr Merry what the fresh hell are you talking about

Merry: Sam tell Boromir what we call baby hobbits

Sam: ……you mean… babies?

Merry: exactly

Boromir: ………….OH

Boromir: I thought. there might be a special word.

Sam: no we just call them babies why would there be a special word

Merry: what would it even… be

Boromir: I don’t know that’s why I was ASKING

Merry: no

Pippin: I’m making it happen

Merry: nO

Pippin: bobbits. little bobbits. back when i was a bobbit. I love it.

Sam: *not looking up from what he’s doing* Mr Pippin if you ever say that word around me again I am going to rip your guts out through your nose

Pippin: ……………wow.

*Merry losing his shit in the foreground*

My mom’s parents said “We don’t care who you love.” At that point she’d only ever brought home white guys. She brought my dad home-her mother called her a nigger lover and damned the relationship as much as possible. Her father grew around his prejudices after I was born but never apologized, just wasn’t a blatant fuck.

The day she introduced my father to her family was the last time she spoke to her mother for over twenty years. When I was getting sick and she called and asked her mother and grandmother if anyone in the family had anything strange happen similar what I was going through they told her “it’s because you married a black man. You made your bed, you lie in it.”

Cops pulled them over all the time and asked my mom IF SHE WAS OKAY AND IF SHE NEEDED HELP BECAUSE MY FATHER-A BLACK MAN-WAS DRIVING A 100 POUND WHITE WOMAN AROUND. HE WAS HARRASSED AND THREATED WITH ARREST.

My father ended up getting into a fight in self defence because some entitled hick decided he didn’t like seeing a black man and white woman in the bar together. Thankfully other patrons helped my father but he still couldn’t go to the er for his injuries. My mom patched him up and they were terrified the cops would take him away.

THEIR BEST FRIEND GOT LICENSED TO MARRY THEM SO THEY COULD ACTUALLY TIE THE KNOT BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WOULD AND CITED JIM CROW ERA LAW AS TO WHY.

When shopping with just me my father wouldn’t hold my hand if there was a group around. Why? I’m far lighter than him and people had stopped and asked him “whose child is that?” Or “little girl where’s your parents?” and were stunned when I grinned and pointed at my dad and proudly proclaimed “my daddy’s right here.” You know where else mixed kids couldn’t hold their parents hands? Apartheid South Africa. We live in fucking FLORIDA.

why?

my mom has epilepsy, and in the late 19th-early 20th centuries, several states passed laws banning people with epilepsy- among other disabilities -from marrying

you can fix any illness or injury by humming to yourself 

nobody should be alone in the bathroom, ever 

if you’re scared of someone, just fluff up your hair real big and they’ll probably leave you alone 

when you pee on something, you own that thing. congratulations! property is urine 

if it makes a sound like food, it is definitely food and you should try to eat it no matter what 

hitting someone in the face is an appropriate way to thank them for doing your hair 

when your friend is sad, sitting on top of them will make them feel better 

if a gross dude is trying to have sex with you and you’re not into it, just shrug your shoulders and walk a few feet away and he’ll forget what he was doing entirely 

missed the toilet? it’s ok. just kick some tp over it and nobody will know the difference. it’s also ok if you don’t even manage to cover it up as long as you tried 

when you have leftovers, scratching the table around your dish will keep them fresh and tasty until you’re ready to eat again 

if you are lonely and want affection, headbutting your best friend at full force is the best way to let them know you want to hang out 

jealous because someone else is getting all the love? berate them until they leave the room. the other person will then be happy to immediately transfer their affection to you 

silently and grimly kicking your brother in the stomach is a fun way to spend an afternoon 

there is no limit to the number of times gravity can be discovered 

it’s very important to keep yourself hydrated! find the stupidest possible way to drink water and do that. make sure to get your neck nice and wet for no real reason 

when you’re finished styling your coif in the morning, remember to eat the hair you’ve combed out for a morning pick-me-up snack 

doors should never be closed. if a door is closed it is a terrible mistake and must be remedied immediately by screaming at your mom 

taking a shortcut to your favorite restaurant means that the restaurant will be an entirely different place by the time you get there 

for a dramatic and loveable makeup look, wing both your top and bottom eyeliner all the way out to your ears and then draw a little “m” on your forehead 

when it’s time to take the edge off, scatter your favorite drug on the floor and just roll around in it until you drool 

FOR LARRY WALTERS, WHO DREAMED SINCE HE WAS A CHILD OF USING BALLOONS TO FLY; WHO IN 1982 SPEND FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS OF HIS TRUCK-DRIVING DELIVERYMAN SALARY TO BUY SUPPLIES, INCLUDING ONE LAWN CHAIR, FORTY-TWO BALLOONS, AND A HELIUM TANK, WHICH HE USED TO INFLATE THE BALLOONS, ARRANGING THEM IN A RING AROUND THE LAWN CHAIR, A STURDY ALUMINUM TYPE FROM SEARS, IN WHICH HE LAUNCHED HIMSELF ALONG WITH HIS PELLET GUN AND WATER JUGS A THOUSAND FEET A MINUTE INTO THE CALIFORNIA SKY, WITH THE GOAL OF CLEARING THE SAN GABRIEL MOUNTAINS TO REACH THE MOJAVE; WHO AGAINST ALL ODDS FLEW, FROM A BACKYARD IN SAN PEDRO TO LONG BEACH, AN IMPERFECT MAN ON AN IMPERFECT FLIGHT PATH, WHO BROUGHT HIS CAMERA BUT DIDN’T USE IT; WHO, UPON HIS ARREST BY THE LONG BEACH POLICE, WAS QUOTED AS SAYING A MAN CAN’T JUST SIT AROUND…..

FUCK YES LARRY YOU DID IT BABY