grumpy ball of darkness

the whole boston team knowing about montreal jane and they think that ilya rozanov who can pull any girl he wants must have found a real baddie the way he keeps coming back for more and then hard cut to shane hollander on a friday night drinking tea and reading the same hockey book for the fourth time who when ilya texts him asking what are you wearing? texts back my new organic cotton pj set and ilya texts back i'm so hard tell me more

au where ilya sends literally all of his money back to russia - only keeps enough for a kind of shitty one bedroom and food and clothes to go out in to keep up appearances- and when shane starts to wonder why they go to his place in montreal but only hook up in hotels in boston, ilya hits him with various excuses. i am having renovations hollander, there is mess everywhere. i live in high traffic area, you will be seen. svetlana is staying for weekend. etc etc and this goes on for years until after the cottage when ilya is planning to move to ottawa and realizes that he won't have an excuse not to invite shane over there, that shane will be helping him pick a new place, so he breaks down and has shane over and that's when shane fully realizes how much ilya has been bending over backwards for his family, how they treat him, and how alone he really is since he never has anyone over, ever, and shane is overcome with rage and is immediately like. we need to call my mom. we need to get to russia right fucking now so i can beat your brother's ass (bc in this world ilya didn't cut him off at the funeral). i need to literally blow something up. i need to get you to ottawa now. i'll buy you a house ill buy you a new car ill buy you anything and everything you need. which of course ilya will not allow. but he will allow shane to call his mom because he trusts that yuna will know what to do. and then. of course. they fuck about it.

ilya would be so happy to be a trophy wife like shane has an important business conference thing he has to attend with important business people and ilya would put on his sluttiest little suit that matches shane’s and he leaves the first three buttons on his shirt undone and he links his arm with shane’s and when shane is talking serious business™️ with some guy ilya goes and finds him another one of those sparkly little drinks and sometimes people want to talk serious business with ilya and while he could do that he just says you should go ask my husband he’s over there while he devours the rest of the sliders at the buffet

AHAH YES I LOVEEEE

ilya definitely has a thicker russian accent the more comfortable he is - so it’s thick at home and thickest in the bedroom and shane is getting pavloved. so they go to a russian bakery and ilya is ordering stuff in fluent insanely charming russian and shane abruptly announces “ACTUALLY UH I NEED TO LEAVE ILL BE OUTSIDE”

cliff marleau and ilya rozanov are best friends not because they’re teammates or marleau was assigned to look after roz when he first got to the raiders, but because, even though it takes so much alcohol to get him drunk, when ilya gets drunk he can only be described as white girl wasted and marly is the EXACT same way. they are in the mens bathroom in front of the mirror like “is my shirt unbuttoned enough for people to look at my tits?” “yeah man your boobs look GREAT! can you tell me if these jeans look good on my ass i think i saw a girl eying me” “marly your ass looks phenomenal and you can trust me on this as i am a well known ass man” “aw man rozzy you’re making me blush”

they share clothes all of the time, not even really on purpose, they just spend so much time hungover together that things get muddled. this isn't a problem until marley sees shane hollander, wearing his shirt??? obviously he immediately accuses ilya of cheating on him (partying without inviting him to join). shane is visibly devastated, ilya is frantically explaining, and thats how marley is the first person in the nhl to learn about hollanov