do you ever just wanna

I'm not normally one to really participate in fandom spaces but recently I got super into 911 to the point where i've started reading fic and logging into tumblr again, and I'm just having a lot of feelings about eddie diaz and i dont know where else to put them. so here goes...

I see a lot of conflicting things about eddie in fandom spaces, and a lot of opinions about his history and his sexuality and his relationship with shannon. I have my own opinions ofc, but I am so so so fascinated by eddie and shannon's relationship and i'm so upset that the writers fridged her. Just imagine what we could have had with their relationship. I know most of fandom is convinced eddie is gay, but as much as I love buddie, I am convinced that shannon was one of the great loves of eddie's life. (my personal opinion of eddie's sexuality is that he's demisexual/demiromantic, and has really only ever had those sorts of feelings for shannon and buck, his two best friends).

I specifically want to talk about something that I dont really see fandom addressing at all about eddie's time in the army. I've seen a lot of people hating on shannon for leaving like she did, and a lot of people hating on eddie for "running away" to the army during the early years of christopher's life. It was a shitty situation and they were having all sorts of miscommunications that exacerbated the shittyness of the situation, but bear in mind that these are two 18/19 year olds with no college education, no money, no good jobs and a baby on the way. A "normal" baby would have been hard enough, but they had a medically complex child with cp, and what i presume was a rough birth and a long hospital stay for them both, but the bills must have been astronomical. I'm also assuming from the clues we've gotten on the show that they were receiving little to no support from their parents, and in fact, eddie's parents were being actively terrible to shannon and increasing the stress she was under.

All this to say, the only reason this little family was not drowning in medical debt and on the verge of poverty is because of the military benefits and health insurance that eddie was getting, and that his family was covered by. They should have communicated better, and supported each other more, but they were two young adults doing the best they could, each fighting their own wars (shannon was a de facto single mom for a child with cp with evil in laws, eddie was in afghanistan). It makes sense with all these stressors that their relationship imploded when eddie got discharged, especially if shannon's mom's cancer and eddie's injuries and ptsd were more stressors to add to the pile.

But eddie having army benefits and training made it so he could get a firefighter/paramedic job, and enough savings to hire carla and get christopher into that fancy private school that accommodates his needs. So its was a difficult set of circumstances that they had to navigate, but I don't know what they could have done differently and still had the amount of financial security that they did. Its the tragedy of america that they make healthcare so inaccessible that desperate young people with no other option join the military for benefits, especially people of color, but there you have it.

However, I think if shannon hadn't died, they could have had a chance to make it. maybe they would divorce, maybe they would get back together, but I think they would have been friends/lovers who coparented well together and loved each other as family regardless of if they were together or not. They both love christopher so much, and they were both doing their best and they could have had it all. (im crying now)

Let the world fade out

When it moves too fast.

Feel the feeling of nothing,

Yet something.

The touch of a pen in one hand,

The bindings of a notebook 

In the other.

Utter darkness, silence,

The curve of a cheek.

Watch the stars fade

And the sun rise,

See the blend of colors 

In the sky.

Let the world fade out,

And notice the little things.

Feel the sound of footsteps

On the ground.

See the swirling of dust

In the afternoon sun

See the lines, the curves,

The grip, the motion 

Of a hand.

Look into a mirror

Look at your eyes.

Find their every color,

And through them, 

See your mind.

See the curves of your own 

Face, not to criticize,

But to see every feature

That makes up your

You.

Light bouncing off hair

Other people’s noses, ears, 

Eyes, mouths.

Let the world fade out,

And see everything else. 

See the world from a 

Mountaintop, from space,

See the big picture.

A grove of trees may be

Ominous in darkness but

Watch how it glows

Ethereally at sunset.

A valley shrouded in mist,

A lake that seems to show

The sky,

Waves lapping gently on sand,

Or furiously battering rocks.

The smell of books,

Old and new,

That somehow invite me, coax

Me into their adventures 

And struggles,

So I don’t have to think 

About mine.

As life gets too much

Sometimes I want to get away,

I need to get away.

But as I simply stand there

And be, and breathe,

I remember how utterly

Beautiful it can be.

And I remember how Beautiful

Me: hold hands with you

You: …

The dream of every, the fantasy of the rest

who’s ever picked up a pen,

the smartest minds in an esoteric debate

connecting two points of the universe.

The most prominent skeptic

hypothesizing energy that would

rip space apart, infinitely long, massively dense,

warping time for the intrepid voyager.

Science fiction hacks, armchair temporal theorists,

negating their own existence.

“Anything that doesn't forbid must be considered.”