Andi Ā· 29 Ā· she/her Ā· UK. If you're looking for Julian getting emotionally battered, you've come to the right place! (anti gen-AI š¤·š¼āāļø)
Just some nerd who's fallen absolutely head over heels in love with Star Trek ^_^
My blog is 60% Julian Bashir, 25% other DS9, and 10% TOS; a smattering of all other Trek shows makes up the rest. (As of Feb '25, non-Trek stuff will mostly be posted to my sideblog, @notastackofbooks.)
I write fanfic (i.e. torture Julian) both here and on AO3. Please note that dubcon/noncon fic ideas are regularly discussed on this blog - if that's not for you, please don't follow me!
ASKS: I love getting these, but I'm awful at replying quickly! If you've sent me something on anon, you can check my #Andi answers tag to see if I've replied.
Prompts are not currently open.
-> More things you might see from me under the cut ->
I try to keep a somewhat organised blog - here are the tags you can use to see my original posts:
#Andi writes: mostly Julian-centric h/c ficlets (although the comfort doesn't always materialiseā¦), with a mix of longer bits of fic or drafts I haven't proofread yet.
#My Trek Musings: headcanons, meta and other random thoughts I've had about Trek. Lots of Julian, but also other DS9 stuff, TOS, and a smattering of other Trek.
#Fic ideas: these range from single sentences to multuple paragraphs - please consider any as a free-for-all prompt!
#Andi sings: I have a ukelele and like song-writing. (Including Confession, in which Garak tries very hard not to tell Julian heās in love with him, and Magnificent, where the Niners grieve Jadzia Dax.)
#Andiās spreadsheet project: all posts regarding my statistics inquiry into what names the DS9 crew mostly use for each other. Masterpost here. (Currently up to Season 3; very much on hiatus.)
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im sure it would've made a lot of people enraged regarding Worf but god, if they were just going to kill Jadzia off at the end of the season anyways, she really should have died in episode 16 "Change of Heart". The moral conundrum and impossible choice of weighing of lives in war would've had so much more impact, and the sacrificing of Jadzia for Lasaran (and therefore his intel) would've given her death more oomf
Absolutely! Then her death would have been for a *reason*, and actually given Jadzia agency over what she was dying for, rather than just being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Actually, I am of the strong opinion that most main character deaths should come mid-season anyway, so that we get to see the impact it has in the other characters and really feel the hole that their absence leaves. End-of-season deaths always seem to be followed by some sort of time skip in which most of the morning happens off-screen and I despise it.
(Also, I know I say this every time Jadzia's death comes up, but I'm forever going to be mad that both Morn and Lisa Cuzak got better funerals than she did in season 6. I felt utterly funeral-baited, I was certain she'd get something good seeing as even minor characters had, but nope. Screw you, DS9.)
During a rewatch, I remember thinking it seemed strange that Jadzia survived Change of Heart knowing that Tears of the Prophets was right around the corner and looked up the episode to see if there was any additional backstory. Turns out, Terry Farrell thought the same:
I tend to agree that ten episodes of morning and then Ezri showing up to get Ben from Sisko's Restaurant would've had a great emotional impact. Worf choosing duty and honor over his wife would've been very in character, but it definitely would've given all of them much more to play. Worf could've saved the symbiont but lost Jadzia in the episode, setting the scene up for Dax to come back as Ezri in Image in the Sand. They only would have needed another tragic event to trigger Ben leaving DS9 and going back to Earth.
They didn't even really use Jadzia to her full potential throughout the series anyway, but she was especially underutilized after Change of Heart. She didn't have huge dramatic turns that would've been affected by her absence, and in some cases they would've been made more resonant because of it. The Sound of Her Voice would've been heart wrenching knowing they were talking to a dead woman during her wake, then they would feel the absence of their fallen friend even more, her absence would be felt without even having to evoke her name. Plus Jadzia only had TWO LINES in that episode, explaining the wake:
Worf could've played his grief while any of the other characters could've explained what an Irish wake was, probably O'Brien.
She had 3 lines in Inquisition. She had ONE line in Profit and Lace. She fixes Quark's replicator in Valiant for a total of 5 lines. She has a little heart-to-heart with Kira in His Way, plus a little interaction with some other characters. All in all, she doesn't have much going on.
In The Pale Moonlight could've been more resonant since what spurred Ben Sisko to action in the first place was the loss of friends and colleagues because of the war, and Jadzia only serves as a bookend in this episode talking about death and loss anyway. Her biggest episode post Change of Heart is probably The Reckoning, serving as a conduit for technobabble and a sounding board for Sisko. She's in Time's Orphan a fair amount for technobabble as well, but that episode serves mostly to set up her wanting a child during Tears of the Prophets. (IMO a cheap tactic to make her death more tragic because she wanted a child, but I digress.) Even in Tears of the Prophets she isn't very present in the episode, since there are bigger plot points being played out on the Defiant and with Dukat. She gets a couple moments with the characters closest to her then a few measly goodbyes and that's it.
At any rate, all of her more important moments post Change of Heart could've been used to note her absence. If Sisko didn't have his sounding board and friend in The Reckoning, he could've lamented her loss. Kira could've mourned the lack of someone to talk to like Dax in His Way. The magnitude of the war and loss of life would've loomed much larger with the loss of a major character for half a season. Then Ezri showing up might not have been as jarring to the viewers as a replacement for Jadzia, instead been a more pleasant surprise to viewers with the same adjustment tensions with the characters
Do you ever think about how in The Quickening , Julian spends two or three weeks completely alone apart from Ekoria, tending to her despite the fact that none of his solutions seem to be working, just trying to keep her alive long enough to have the baby, knowing full well she might not make it, but he's got to try.
How often is he left to his own thoughts while she's resting or sleeping? How much sleep does he manage to get, with the all-too-recent memory burned into his brain of his other Blighted patients screaming in agony as they die around him?
And I've never really thought too hard about the last shot on Teplna before, but it really got to me this time, with Julian standing out-of-sight watching from a ruin, while everyone celebrates the baby Trevean's holding. The way he's actively avoiding the praise or gratitude he could easily have received by going along with Trevean...
(And added bonus - the next episode is Body Parts, which starts with Julian having just performed emergency baby surgery... I've never connected the dots before, but my partner commented "I bet that won't have stirred up any painful memories!" and I can't believe I've never thought about that before - I need the Mikoshirys trauma bonding SO badly šš )
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According to profit and lace, "sex change operations" are easy enough to be done completely in a short period of time but are rare enough that this is not the first conclusion anyone comes to when they look at Quark or what Quark has.
Do you think this is secret federation tech. Like if you're not part of the federation you don't get access to the unlimited surgery options or knowledge.
I don't know if it's secret, but I'd imagine the Ferengi know very little about it and most Ferengi doctors refuse to do it or never learn the procedure (it may even be illegal). A society with that rigid of a gender hierarchy definitely would not like any form of trans people- trans men because they upset the social hierarchy by showing "biology" doesn't restrict women from being good at business and therefore undermining a tenant of patriarchy, and trans women because they're women and worse, women who make a mockery of maleness by rejecting it.
At most, some Ferengi may know about sex changes from tabloid propaganda mocking the Federation. The concept is likely taboo enough that none of then considered Quark had gotten a sex change for that reason.
Comedic post-canon Damar/Kira fic where Damar survives and heās Cardassiaās most popular person, and Kira is Bajorās most popular person and for diplomatic reasons they have to play act being married on a āreality showā broadly scripted to the beats of an I Love Lucy-style sitcom where Kira poisons Damarās dinner because heās been taking too long negotiating a trade deal with Bajor for grain (cue laugh track), and Damar āforgetsā to invite the Kai to Kiraās gratitude festival celebration because one time the Kai accused his pet riding hound of having bad breath. Itās wildly popular and people think itās real. Meanwhile, Kira and Damarās relationship is still as contentious as it was pre-rebellion, they have little in common and have no romantic interest in each other despite having worked together effectively during the Cardassian rebellion and being incredibly effective in their real jobs where they do work together. But the fiction of them being a happily married couple is so beloved by both Cardassians and Bajorans that theyāre forced to keep up the front for the respective good of their homeworlds.
What I find offensive about the āmemory probe ex machinaā writing maneuver of establishing Ezriās feelings for Julian is how little weight that procedure is actually given outside of its role as a narrative prop. She is tortured! She undergoes a significant mental violation, with cognitively impairing effects, while being held prisoner, and it is relegated to a romcom-esque plot mechanism.
But whatās striking about it as well is that Julian Bashir has not only also been a political prisoner, but has undergone a very comparable trauma in the form of having Romulan memory probes used on him in āInter Arma Enim Silent Leges.ā I think one could argue that that episode also does not attend to the trauma of that experience as fully as it could (instead only noting that the devices werenāt effective on him), but it does at least get emotional follow-through in āExtreme Measuresā when he takes a cold and vindictive pleasure in turning the same instrument against Sloan, and it becomes pretty unambiguous that He Didnāt Enjoy That, Actually. There is no such gravitas placed on Ezriās experience (even though Ezri has been established as struggling with violent impulses since the joining, something torture trauma would only exacerbate).
Anyway, itās a baffling aspect of the writing of that relationship to me - that it has to manufacture this device to establish Ezriās feelings for Julian, and in doing so, completely ignores the point of commonality that doing so establishes between the two characters.
Julian/Ezri is just baffling in general because it is so rich in concept! Thereās the fact that they both have medical trauma, but from procedures they either consented to or have reason to feel as if they āshouldā be grateful for; thereās the fact that Julian was the one who made the call to separate Jadzia from the symbiont and thus has reason to feel indirectly responsible for Ezri being joined, and Ezri in turn has an association between Julian and her memories of Jadziaās traumatic death; the potential for them both to be driven to know Jadzia better through each other, while never being able to fully grasp who she was and how others perceived her; etc. And yet next to none of this actually comes up in the writing of their relationship. Strong evidence that nobody in the DS9 writers room had the soul of a pervert.
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"Spider-Man New York Stories: The Fashion Consultant" āØļø A funny and lighthearted Spider-Man and The Nanny crossover story, by yours trulyāØļø
A story for the 90's people! In case you don't know, The Nanny was a 90s TV show, starring Fran Drescher, which took place in New York! So... of course I had to write this.
I started this story almost a year ago šāØļø I need to be faster when making comics HAHAHAAHHS
I think Vulcans should nuzzle their faces together when they like each other but it's like, not something you do in front of other people. That's something to do in private or if you're a little kid.
Babies don't really know how to do this properly and are prone to just headbutting their parents/siblings instinctually. They want to 'get closer' to what they feel telepathically emanating from the people around them.
This nuzzling is a form of telepathic communication but it's very unskilled (a baby can and will do it) and you only get broad feelings/thoughts from it. But that's alright bc typically the only feeling/thought you're hoping to get from or communicate with such an action is 'I like you'.
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I really donāt want to open this can of worms because Tumblr hath no fury like people called out on their political performativeness but it is literally driving me up the wall to watch people react to Serkisā ākeep Tolkien whiteā commentary by insisting twice as hard that Tolkien would descend down to earth and dropkick the entire Republican party to hell or whatever, just because they want to ensure that a piece of media they enjoy isnāt seen as being morally impure. Case in point: I have seen at least five instances of Tolkienās āI hate apartheidā valedictorian address being used as a ācounterā to Serkis being racist, including by actual news outlets.
Except itās only ever the āI hate apartheidā line thatās shared, and not the actual quote in its full context. Because here it is:
If we consider what Merton College and what the Oxford School of English owes to the Antipodes, to the Southern Hemisphere, especially to scholars born in Australia and New Zealand, it may well be felt that it is only just that one of them should now ascend an Oxford chair of English. Indeed it may be thought that justice has been delayed since 1925. There are of course other lands under the Southern Cross. I was born in one; though I do not claim to be the most learned of those who have come hither from the far end of the Dark Continent. But I have the hatred of apartheid in my bones; and most of all I detest the segregation or separation of Language and Literature. I do not care which of them you think White.
Which is to say. This isnāt exactly the antiracist quote of the century, to say the least. This is a white South Africa born man and a white Australian shaking hands and going āomg we relateā and expressing what is a very, very mild āsegregation is not greatā opinion in order to convey his thoughts on an academic subject, ie the confluence of language and literature. Using race to make a point about his own subject of interest, in his own interest, which is, amusingly enough, what a lot of ostensibly well meaning progressive seem to be doing.
I also think that some of the general surprise around āwhat do you mean large swathes of the Tolkien fandom are incredibly conservative!?ā in lib/left Tolkien fandom is the result of a tendency in said parts of the fandom to transpose oneās own progressiveness onto Tolkien and turn a blind eye to things like, say, the Shire being a very specifically mid-century British racist construct that is very, very clear in its politics, often going so far as to insist itās anarchist or an ideal society or whatever the fuck⦠and then getting really Pikachu-meme ābut theyāre misreading itā every single time a conservative explains exactly what it is about the legendarium that they really love, and get surprised when someone uses the Shire being a racist construct to do more racism. It is 2026 let us do away with āI donāt see colourā interpretations of media, I beg. Nobody is cancelling you for enjoying a book that is not kind to race. Most of the books I love are not kind to race.
I genuinely donāt have the energy to go deeper into it now because I and others have been beating this drum for ages but like man. Man. Iām not surprised by Serkisā comment. I donāt really give a shit about what Andy Serkis says and does because if I was the kind of person who gave a fuck about Andy āI felt like an ethnic minority on the Black Panther setā āI somehow interpreted Animal Farm in the most ridiculous way possibleā Serkisā opinions on anything, let alone race, my life would be much sadder. I think the adaptation will be an enshittified money-grab, and I will probably embrace cannibalism when McDonalds inevitably starts giving out little Gollums with every Happy Meal. Again.
What I am surprised and disappointed by is how the liberal-left reaction to this shit is to always and forever just either pretend it doesnāt exist in the text, or is the result of a complete misreading. So seldom is the response āfuck me, this book has some real wild thoughts on race, letās see how we can engage creatively with that in an adaptationā. Which has never happened. In fact, all your thoughts on Amazon and lore faithfulness and other adaption criticism or applause aside, TROP, the only Tolkien interpretation that has directly engaged with race has thus far done so very, very badly, and only on a surface level. Why?
Because the loudest parts of liberal Tolkien fandom is not interested in exploring race as it exists in the text, to explore it progressively, to engage creatively with the structural conservatism present within the very construction of Middle Earth. Theyāre interested in concessions that change very little: you can have your brown elves, as long as we donāt have to think about the implications of foundational aspects of our beloved world, which we relate to greatly and do not wish to think about why we relate to it beyond our own experience of encountering the text.
No, itās always either an insistence that the Racists are Wrong because the Text is Pure, or a slight, grudging concession that Tolkien had āa few racist elementsā but ānothing like the racism of todayā. Of course itās nothing like the racism of today. Tolkien isnāt writing in 2026. It was the racism of yesterday, and it is very clearly written into the text. Tolkien is not your mildly problematic grandpa. Tolkien was an Oxford don with an enormous, wide-ranging cultural impact, and refusing to acknowledge that is the misreading, not the pointing out of or engagement with structural racism within the text.
There's also a version of this where people cite Tolkien's 1938 letter to the German publisher, ie the one where he refuses to confirm he's of "Aryan" descent and basically tells them to fuck off, as the other canonical "proof text" that Tolkien Was Not Racist, and it does the same flattening as the valedictorian quote. It's a great letter, very āget thee gone from my gateā but it is also a letter about refusing a specific, legally coded Nazi racial category, not a statement about the internal racial logic of his own fiction.
Nobody is saying Tolkien was a fascist white supremacist Nazi. Hell, Tolkienās own thoughts on military atrocity in general is pretty clear in the depictions of the escalating kinslayings. But people love to conflate "hated actual fascism, said so on the record and is very evident in his fiction" with "therefore the legendarium contains no racialised hierarchy," as though those two things have to rise or fall together, when they don't. You can be sincerely, personally opposed to Nazi race science and apartheid violence and still write a mythology where moral and aesthetic worth consistently map onto a Northern-European somatic ideal. Because the racialisation Tolkien both inherited and passed on wasn't Nazi race science, it was the broader Edwardian/interwar philological raciology he was actually swimming in, hell, drowning in, considering the Oxford environment. And I find it so, so frustrating how fandom keeps failing to make this distinction: structural racialisation and personal bigotry are not the same axis, and refusing to be measured on one doesn't clear you on the other.
The Southrons/Easterlings material is obviously the part most quoted when it comes to Tolkienās āproblematic elementsā except it's imo super telling how rarely it actually gets quoted compared to how often it gets vaguely waved at (except Charles E Mills. I love you Charles E Mills). Anyway āBlack men like half-trolls," swarthy, slant-eyed, riding out of the south and east to serve Sauron⦠itās the same mapping of good-north/evil-south-and-east you get in a dozen other early-twentieth-century adventure texts. And this imo actually undermines the "it's just medievalism, calm down" defense, because medievalism is a selectively retrospective construction of which past you're claiming and which one you're othering, not some sort of static, neutral historical styling.
Tolkien's medievalism is specifically Northern European heroic-elegiac medievalism, the "Northernness" he talks about loving as a kid, and that aesthetic preference is not extractable from the racial hierarchy it produces on the page. You cannot keep the aesthetic and disclaim the politics because as in all art, the aesthetic is the politics, that's what "structural" means as opposed to "incidentalā, and I just wish that many extremely clever people who understand this in a contemporary sense would allow themselves to feel uncomfortable and look at it in a beloved text.
Jackson's trilogy didn't invent racialisation in Tolkien, hell I think he even softened some of it because the Scouring is straight up impossible to adapt without it being very clear about its politics, but his adaptation does go quite some way make the existing racism legible⦠casting, costuming, choreography and cinematography does the same racialised sorting the text does, and does it visually: Uruk-hai as a kind of grunting brutalised, brutalistic mass, Haradrim on oliphaunts as a fairly straightforward Orientalist boogeyman, and the Fellowship itself photographed like a Pre-Raphaelite fantasy lmfao. Serkis isn't introducing a new interpretive layer with his commentary, hell Serkis was in all those Jackson films as well! Serkis is being very clear about what aspects of the legendarium matter to him, and that aspect happens to be the whiteness of it all. And I genuinely cannot understand why the huge āscandalā around his comment is not that someone said the quiet part, but that saying it out loud is what became the scandal, taken as some kind of transgression against Tolkien and all his readers with Good Politicsā¢ļø, rather than the quarter-century of adaptations, readings, and analysis of the text that wordlessly encoded the racism and got called faithful and dedicated for it.
I didnāt want to go to author is dead territory but. Fandom discourse keeps reaching for authorial intent as the arbiter of textual meaning in exactly the way most of these same people would reject in any other context. Everyone is a massive New Critic the second the author in question is someone they love. But Tolkien doesnāt need to have consciously intended a racial hierarchy or a white nationalist mythology for the text to functionally produce one, for it to be so loved by conservatives and ethnonationalists who come fifty years after his time.
Intent is not even a contested position in literary theory, it's just the very basic understanding that "text has ideology independent of authorial intent". The insistence on relitigating Tolkien's personal feelings as though that settles the structural question is wild to me, and I find it so extremely unproductive how liberal fandom reaches for this constantly, repeatedly chanting Tolkienās few vaguely liberal statements that read far less liberally in context. But I guess the alternative, ie reading the actual construction of race in the legendarium on its own terms, requires giving up the fantasy that the thing you love is politically inert. And itās just so sad man. Like I fucking love the legendarium, and I think insisting on its moral purity is the worst thing you can do to it.
I think my entire argument can be summed up in a few questions. Why do conservatives keep saying "I love Tolkien" completely unashamedly, in a way they donāt realy say about most other ācanonicalā twentieth-century texts, while we on the left have to perform a whole apologetic dance before we say it? What is it that they embrace about the text, that we have to occlude in order to express an unproblematic āloveā? Why do we have to disavow parts of a text to claim we love it? Who are we performing to? What are we losing in focusing so hard on this performance?
This is why the Serkis-style comment, or the Rings of Power casting discourse, ends up being the deepest engagement we collectively get in fandom terms. Because both "sides" of that fight are actually shallow in the same way, just from opposite ends. The right-wing backlash to diverse casting is, repulsively, responding to something absolutely present in the text: a defensive crouch around a racial aesthetic it identifies as being under threat. The liberal-left response, the "just add brown elves" gesture, claims the problem to be one of representation and casting rather than structure, which is precisely why the racial elements of The Rings of Power satisfies no one and changes nothing.
You can put actors of colour in NĆŗmenor and Harfoot villages and yet the underlying moral framework of who is coded as inherently noble and who as inherently monstrous, whose skin colour the textual narrative uses as a standin for corruption, stays completely untouched. Again, see my TROP link above, with the jihadi-coding of the villains. Because that framework isn't located in the casting of an adaptation, it's located in the construction of Arda itself and physiognomy-as-morality at the level of the prose itself, constantly present throughout the text. Casting a Black actor as an elf doesn't do anything to the fact that "evil race coded as racially other" is still sitting right there in the Southrons and the orcs, unadapted, undiscussed, doing exactly the same work it always did, and this work takes on a new look in post-2001 adaptations.
So what you get is two adaptations of the same tiresome insanemaking discourse rather than two different arguments: the right defends the racial aesthetic as the substance of their love, and the liberal mainstream defends the fantasy that representation-level tweaks constitute engagement with race. And so, nobody actually produces the adaptation that takes seriously what nonwhite Tolkien scholars have been saying for decades, which is that you'd have to touch the orc/Southron/Valar/Valinor/blondeness architecture itself to ever productively have this conversation. Not diversify who plays the good guys, but interrogate why "evil" in this legendarium has a face and a hair colour and points compass east.
But if the talk about this goes on as it does, and continues between Tolkien the Pure versus Tolkien the Misread, there will never be anyone willing to make that adaptation, and weāll go on forever in a sisyphean climb, where both the reactionary embrace and the progressive denial are just two versions of refusing to read the same damn book. Basically, I think we on the left etc need to stop treating "is Tolkien racist" as a yes/no gate you have to clear before you're allowed to enjoy the books, and stop acting like enjoying problematic media makes you a fascist. We need to start treating the racialised architecture within Tolkienās world as the actual object of study, same way you'd read imperial romance or Forster or Kipling or Haggard, without needing to acquit or convict the author first.
Which means we have to name the conservatism specifically rather than gesturing at "some outdated attitudes," trace where it comes from historically (the philological Northernness Tolkien grew up steeped in, not some special personal failing that reflects badly on you), and then ask what an adaptation would look like which dramatised that rather than smoothing over it or weaponising it. We have to let go of the idea that critical engagement is disloyalty, and let go of the idea that loving something requires defending its honour. We need to get the resilience needed to engage with the idea that a work can be both formative and ideologically compromised at the same time.
We donāt need to resolve that tension into either adoring hagiography or totalising cancellation. If we do, we're going to keep getting ākeep the Shire whiteā Serkis soundbites and āhooray we cast a brown elf in our we-invented-elf-jihadis show!ā news cycles standing in for a conversation that hasn't actually started yet, and ngl buddies I have to say I personally will be biting people the next time I see yet another rendition of the same damn response-reaction cycle start again because everyone, both the conservatives and the left, wants the things they love to be a reflection of themselves, and will twist themselves into pretzels to ensure that remains the case.
two hundred million A Stitch In Time fanfics and yet ZERO for star trek beta canon novel 'Abyss' where some mad scientist augment guy makes a Julian Bashir clone so that they can make babies together??!?!?
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