↖ easily manipulated by dogs

i could write essays about andy samberg’s influence on incomprehensible millennial humor but the gist of it is that every snl/the lonely island bit he’s ever done (specifically the mm watcha say sketch but i could point to others) laid the groundwork for all the nonsense jokes we make today and we should be thanking him

YA novel idea: in a world where everyone is born with a countdown with how many french fries they are allowed to eat before death, one young man (me) is born with an infinity symbol

He grows up thinking it’s an 8 so he never eats any fries. He’s teased and taunted by the High Fry kids. Then he eats his first fry on his 18th birthday. His number doesn’t change, but the rest of his world does…

*rupaul voice* Jesus, your revelation was riveting, but your rapture did not take me there

my favourite thing to do is to tell my friends about the wild things victor hugo did and see the look of shock and horror in their faces bc they only know him as the great author who wrote les mis and hunchback and not as the man who gave his fiancee a live bat in an envelope

people who put video tutorials online for literally everything are the backbone of this society i would be nowhere without the comfort that whenever i don’t know how to do something painfully simple i can look it up like i bet i could look up ‘how to preheat the oven’ and there’d be endless videos and i never have to look like a complete idiot again. thank you all for saving my life 

*male writer voice* i don’t remember her name. it’s not important. i met her at a record store and she went home with me because i offered to buy her cigarettes. she had amazing perky breasts. we drank cheap whiskey and had sex three times that night and then she told me she wanted to be a dragonfly because they were free. i slept with her many times after that. but one day she stopped returning my calls and i don’t know why. that was seven years ago. on monday she got hit by a bus and died. i saw it in the newspaper so i went to her funeral and it made me sad. i don’t know why. i hate my mother even though she pays my rent while i write poetry about masturbating in the shower

contrary to social media developers’ beliefs i have literally never once wanted to see posts in anything other than chronological order

someday, in the distant future, humans will once again be capable of hearing the phrase “what is love” without also feeling the primal urge to  respond with “baby don’t hurt me”

So at that point, people will say “baby don’t hurt me”…no more?

I tried to scroll past I really did

beautiful set up, perfect follow-through. great teamwork everyone

I want a sitcom which is just every single Shakespeare character as college students in a dorm building.