now that’s good television!

so when are you gonna tell me that i’m the bane of your existence and the object of all your desires?

“scientists don’t want you know” is a phrase that always cracks me up because if you actually meet a scientist they will be shaking and crying like an overstimulated chihuahua with the need to let you know

looks inside procrastination -> it's anxiety -> looks inside anxiety -> it's fear -> looks inside fear -> it's shame

Surely these circumstances will improve with additional shame

we ask that the defense not say "me when i lie" while the witness testifies

oh, no, you misunderstand me. those were my monkeys. yeah the circus and i have since parted ways. yeah it was the elephant thing, i dont really want to address that right now though

saying "question mark?" and "however comma," out loud are game changers. punctuation on the go. and it's always the funniest thing that anyone around you has ever heard

actually hate that the bodys response to anything is nausea. ate too much? nauseous. ate too little? nauseous. an imaginary threat got you scared? be nauseous. on your period? you guessed it. sawed into your hand and need to go to the emergency room? perhaps throwing up into your open wound will be of help

dude honestly shout out to my guards i told them to seize this guy and before i could even finish my sentence they soze him. My goats

so pro-abortion i forget people try to get pregnant on purpose

“there’s an ai tool for that” okay ?? there’s probably an ed sheeran song for it too who gives a fuck

do not ever slander the beautiful goddess carbs around me

“empty carbs” don’t you dare talk about her like that. you’re empty. how do you like that.

god's weakest soldier is scrolling tumblr instead of being productive or participating in any of their hobbies