Is it time for bed yet?

• holding ilya’s hand while they cross a busy street full of hazards (potholes, roadworks, etc)

• rescuing ilya from kidnappers (he kicks down the door)

• rescuing ilya from a burning building (bridal carry)

• fighting in a gladiatorial ice hockey arena for ilya’s hand in marriage

• massaging ilya’s bad knee and ilya says with wonderment “wowww wow. shane you’re so good at this… you are better than every physical therapist on earth probably”

• saying “he asked for no pickles” to the mcdonalds cashier

• carrying ilya’s bags

• washing ilya’s hair

• applying o’keefes working hands cream to ilya’s calluses

which combined with ilya loving just making things up and saying them (as seen in the "yes, the rumors are true-" scene) offers the very funny idea that ilya actively tries to offer as much privacy as possible by just throwing out stories about them at random so there IS no central story for people to hound shane about.

assorted backstories a la "ilya just started talking and found out with everyone else where he was going with this":

they got snowed in at all stars one year (b-but wasn't that year in florida?) and decided there was nothing better to do

it started as a bit and neither is willing to give up first

they paired off to combine forces like nato

they paired off to limit how many kids they could have in the future to make sure hockey stayed fair

ilya lost a bet six years ago

shane lost a bet three years ago

ilya got tired of remembering phone numbers for his hookups and shane's is easy

ilya got tired of having to look things up in english and french when talking to other people and decide to marry someone who speaks two languages to save time

shane is gifted enough (wink wink wink) that other people are cowards and only ilya was brave enough to rise to the challenge (this one gets him in trouble on the phone later but it also gets him laid that night at home and also confuses the online speculation about who tops and bottoms, so net positive tbh)

yuna hollander is the best manager in the business and a political marriage was the best way to secure her services longterm

No accusations can be made about them throwing games for each other, because there are several videos of them being super competitive about absolutely nothing. For example, one of the dumped files is a video of the two playing Monopoly (filmed discretely from a hallway). They look about ready to murder each other. And then, off-screen, Yuna's voice - in a Mom Voice TM, of course - calls, "Boys, you better not be doing what I think you are!"

Ilya says, "Nyet, Mama," at the same time Shane says "No, Mom!" And in perfect sync they hide evidence of the game, not a single movement between them wasted.

There's also a video of them trash talking each other for being slow as they race to put away the most clean dishes from the dishwasher.

It's a whole genre. Play-fighting as they bring out a measuring tape to literally measure who shoveled the most snow from the driveway, bringing up hockey stats as they argue over who deserves to hold the tv remote, etc.

Cut to Ilya Rozanov hundreds of miles away up at 3 in the morning almost breaking his phone screen from how hard he's gripping it after replaying the 7 second clip for the 200th time and he's never been more hard in his life.

And he's the only one who knows where Shane Hollander learned to ride.

I think Ilya sits on Shane's lap tho.

I think when they're in a party or anything like that Shane goes and finds a seat and soon after Ilya is sitting in his lap like it's the most normal, casual and meaningless thing. He starts a conversation with someone close on the table and he just plops himself down in his husband's lap like it's Tuesday, relaxed and gesticulating and leaning forward to keep talking with whomever.

He stays there for a long time and if it's a big group around he looks like a king in a throne holding court or a baby in a raised chair (depending on what's he's saying), he's talking with at least half a head of height over all others because Shane's thighs are some hefty cushion.

I don't think it's always a sexy thing, sometimes it just means Shane can be in the middle of all the conversation but with an arm around his husband waist, relaxed, not needing to speak and able to just lay his head on his shoulder and look over it, hide behind him if he needs. He gets both cuddles and a social buffer. He also feels the weight of 200 pounds of the love of his life pressing down and it's quite relaxing actually.

Ilya: that didn’t quite work. Maybe I should just give him the eye? While I tell him I hope he likes his new city?

Ilya: okay. But surely if I make him drink from my water bottle and brush his fingers when passing it over…?

Ilya: call him pretty. To his face. No way he can miss that

Ilya: desperate measures, I’ll have to tell him I orchestrated this whole ad campaign just so I could see him again

Shane has been in face offs against Ilya for years, even if they didn't have their thing of the ice, he knows his face by memory. Which is why he notices when a mole in the underside of his jaw gets bigger.

It's the 2015-2016, middle of the hookup era, and he is truing to get this motherfucker to see a dermatologist, but nothing he says works. Ilya either distracts him or dismisses him with some stupid denial like russians don't get melanoma.

But the mole keeps changing and now its not even the same consistent color and Shane has googled the signs so he says fuck it, I'm gonna make him.

Shane uses his barely active public account to tweet a list of Boston based dermatologist and tags Ilya in each one.

This of course goes crazy with the fans because what the hell? Shane Hollander? Tweeting at Ilya Rozanov? Doctors? This is a very advanced very strange chirp? Is he calling his moles ugly?

The next time the Boston Raiders have a game the media scrum doesn't even try to pretend they came for another thing, they want to know about the Dermatologist Thread.

Ilya, at this point frustrated because his moles are fine, they're perfect, why is this a problem, so he answers.

"Hollander should mind his own businesses, he wants me to visit stupid skin doctor because he sees mole. I have lots of moles, always had, there's no problem here, it's normal mole!"

And Shane is getting out of his own game a few hours later, prepares himself to answer about the fumble in the second period when the media comes, and it's surprised when, instead, he gets shown a clip of Ilya's earlier interview. Now, this fucking reckless motherfucker, Shane explodes.

"You fucking asshole! You want to die by driving a Porsche into a wall be my guest! But you're gonna die of the most stupid thing in existence! A MOLE! A mole you decided not to check even if it changed size and color and it's in your fucking face where we can all see it every fucking face off with arena lights shining right into it! Why? Because you're stupid and you don't want to go to the doctor and you don't respect the sun. You're gonna die from a perfectly preventable thing and then what are I'm gonna do? I'm gonna be the best hockey player in mi generation with 10 cups and Harts and Conn Smythes and no competition because you're gonna be in the history books as that one promising dude who died from a mole. A mole! Go to the fucking doctor and use fucking sunscreen."

That one goes viral. That one breaches containment and goes internacional meme viral.

Shane Hollander Skin Cancer Awareness King.

There's "Go to the fucking doctor and use fucking sunscreen" T-Shirts.

Shane Hollander angry sneering face with the text "RESPECT THE SUN" under it.

Ilya Rozanov gets bullied relentlessly about it, everyone asking if he has gone to the doctor yet. He doesn't answer. Eventually, he appears with a new scar in his jaw where a wonky mole used to be.

@hr-rep you see the people of the internet are going to argue if Shane Hollander was the guy who noticed a suspicious mole in his lover's face and had to resort to public pressure to get him to get it checked

Or if Ilya Rozanov was the dude who fell in love because "oh god my hot rival started screaming at me and saved my life"