verbose. get over it 🥰

I knew It was over for me once I realized I could escape situations by thinking of fictional gay sex

I knew It was over for me once I realized I could escape situations by thinking of fictional gay sex

how to make the most of your life from your bedroom beginner tutorial

it's deduesday!

a while back at work I used the term "North Atlantic Archipelago" and a colleague who'd never heard it but got the meaning from context said "oh, is that another term for the British Isles? why?" and I was like okay, picture your worst neighbour. let's call him Keith. Keith is an asshole. Keith has tried to kill you 15 times. he annexed your house once and he still won't give back the second bedroom. he started a violent feud between your cousins and starved your granny to death. now imagine you can only ever tell people where you live by describing it as "Keith's street".

you could never make blazing saddles today. movies take a really long time to film and it's already 11am on the west coast. also most actors and film staff would probably like to spend christmas eve with their families.

just had to full disassemble my nephew's high chair to get him out of the damn thing so I feel like I'm really living up to my uncle duties rn

he started to get a little stressed out when he asked to be all done and I couldn't get him out but luckily I kept him distracted with an artful mix of more yogurt snacks and a fun new game called "every time you swing your legs I make a loud noise of pain as if you've injured me terribly, and sometimes I'll fall on the floor and pretend to be dying for dramatic effect"

after a while he started doing a fun thing where he's say "all done kick 😊" and I'd say "oh thank you for showing me mercy, young prince, truly you are a wise and merciful ruler" and then seeing that I'd fallen for his ruse he'd unless a flurry of kicks ferocious enough to launch me into the stratosphere

bear in mind the entire time we're playing Death By Kicking I'm trying to read a pdf to figure out how to fuck to detach the tray from the chair

Had a dream that I was accidentally entered into a "Christian rap competition" and the only thing I could think to rap about was my current interest in pickling onions. The crowd thought my pickled red onion brine for Jesus rap was so cringe that they didn't even boo. The entire venue just went completely silent until I felt awkward and left.

This would have done numbers with Russian orthodox Christians you were just playing to the wrong crowd king. Protestants have no culture

"Are my pickled red onion bars wack? No, it is simply the protestants who are wrong."