the hopeless

It’s not ‘polyester’ it’s plastic

It’s not ‘vegan leather’ it’s plastic

Its not ‘faux fur’ it’s plastic

Plastic is a pollutant and causes far more damage to the environment both now and in the future than leather or wool.

They used to cross the road, probably, no definitely, without looking left and right. And they got squished.

Environmentalists had a hell of a job, keeping them in their lane. Traffic would have to be blocked for the duration.

But now, they have a lovely bridge, and no one has to ask: Why did the Christmas Island Crab cross the road, if they’re just gonna get squished?

Answer: They want to hit the beach. Because that’s where they like to have sex. And because the mummy crabs like to throw their eggs into the ocean after they’ve spawned them in the burrows that the daddy crab so kindly digs on the beach.

Look at them scurrying over their bridge, the smell of the ocean in their noses, the thought of copulation driving them on…

Whew! Finally, made it to the beach…now The Sex can begin!

Mission accomplished… And a few weeks later after a float in the ocean…

Back come the ankle biters…to the rainforest where they live.

The photo above is the closest humanity has ever come to creating Medusa. If you were to look at this, you would die instantly. 

The image is of a reactor core lava formation in the basement of the Chernobyl nuclear plant. It’s called the Elephant’s Foot and weighs hundreds of tons, but is only a couple meters across.

Yeah, this is a selfie. The guy set the timer on the camera and went and stood by it, and it produced this horrifying image that now haunts my dreams. The reason all the photos from Chernobyl are grainy and poor-quality, by the way, is due to radiation. The cameras were fine; radiation just… does that.

Anyway, that guy’s name is Artur Korneyev- and I use ‘is’ because he’s still alive! He helped to build the original sarcophagus which encased reactor 4 after the meltdown, and kept going back inside with reporters to be like ‘look how fuckin weird this is’. He helped plan the New Safe Confinement which now surrounds the sarcophagus, and would probably have helped build it too if they didn’t full-on ban him.

A quote:

‘Korneyev’s sense of humor remained intact, though. He seemed to have no regrets about his life’s work. “Soviet radiation,” he joked, “is the best radiation in the world.”‘

Possibly the coolest guy alive? I’m tempted to think so.

Honestly, I feel like Chernobyl has been shunted into this category of like, ‘a lot of innocent and naive people died horribly’, when in reality a lot of tough as fuck people saved everybody else. The oft-told story of the ‘suicide mission’ to dive into the reactor and open the valves of the pool? Yeah, all three of the men who dove lived. One died in 2005 of heart failure; the other two are still alive.

A total of 31 direct and 15 indirect deaths are thought to have occurred from the Chernobyl disaster. Long-term deaths are… difficult to measure. Oh, and there’s a few hundred people still living in the exclusion zone.

If you’re at all interested, I really recommend reading up about Chernobyl- and, in particular, what was done to contain it and deal with the radiation. This is a beautiful write-up, and the wiki page is also worth checking out.  A lot of people did absolutely incredible work and it goes unrecognised most of the time.

So, sometime last year (?) science invented Vantablack, which is the darkest possible shade of black. Art world got incredibly excited. But as it needs to be very carefully made in a lab, it’s hard to get a hold of, and is extremely expensive. Enter Anish Kapoor, aka FuckFace McGee. Anish Kapoor buys the rights to Vantablack. He is the only human being on the planet that can legally use it, and he’s kind of a prick about it.

Art world is not thrilled with that.

Enter Stuart Semple.

Stuart Semple is an artist, and also makes pigments to sell in his free time. Stuart Semple is astoundingly pissed about this Vantablack nonsense, and Anish Kapoor’s dickery. Stuart Semple makes a new pigment, the brightest shade of pink ever, called Pinkest Pink, and puts it for sale on the internet. To be bought by everybody except Anish Kapoor. Literally, to purchase, you need to confirm that you are not Anish Kapoor, do not associate with him, and will not sell or give the pigment to Anish Kapoor or his associates. Art world has a good laugh, everyone buys Pinkest Pink because it’s awesome, and damn it we deserve something.

Anish Kapoor however is a penis, and will not take this lying down, because HOW DARE he not have literally everything.

Anish Kapoor gets his London associates to buy him a thing of Pinkest Pink, and being such a classy human being, posts a picture to instagram of him with his middle finger covered in Pinkest Pink, captioned with “Up yours. #pink”

Everyone flips shit, because. Y’know. Fuck that guy. Especially Stuart Semple. For context here, Anish Kapoor is one of the richest artists on the planet, and has repeatedly been referred to as everything wrong with the art world, and the epitome of the art worlds elitism problem. He’s a giant douchebag. Meanwhile Stuart Semple makes pigments just to get them out there. He turns 0 profit from his now enourmously popular pigments.

Stuart Semple launches an investigation as to who the fuck leaked Pinkest Pink, and plans to strike back. He does so by releasing two new products. First is Diamond Dust, which is a glitter made from glass, so that a painting is still visible after it’s applied, but glitters like a mofo. It’s the most reflective glitter out there, and is available to everyone who isn’t Anish Kapoor. And it being made of glass, if you stick your finger in there, it’s going to hurt quite a bit, so that was Stuart Semple’s way of saying “shove your middle finger in this, asshole, see what happens”. Except without saying that, because he can get an insult across while still being fucking classy.

He also releases Black 2.0, created with the help of over a thousand artists worldwide.

Black 2.0 is the answer to Vantablack. Black 2.0 is a slightly less black black, but looks functionally the same to the human eye. It’s completely safe, smells like cherries, and costs four pounds. Vantablack is highly toxic, potentially explosive, needs to be applied in a special laboratory and sealed properly, can’t be moved across borders, can reach 300 degrees celsius if you’re not extremely careful, and costs thousands of dollars. Anish Kapoor is the only human being who can use Vantablack. He is the only human being who cannot use Black 2.0.

So I think we can guess who got the better deal.

And thus the feud ends, Kapoor defeated.

…But not quite.

Kapoor, in this entire afair, has made exactly two comments to the public. The first being his charming message about aquiring Pinkest Pink, the second being claiming to Buzzfeed that he and his small army of lawyers will be suing Semple, an extremely poor artist who cannot afford a lawyer.

No lawsuit has been made yet, fyi.

The point is, Kapoor is a prick, and doesn’t like talking to the lower classes. So one day in July 2017, he decides he needs another floor on his London studio apartment, and starts making arrangements to have it built. His neighbors are fucking pissed, because this will ruin the light of their apartments. They call to Semple to save them, or at the very least piss Kapoor off some more.

Semple answers to the call, and releases two new paints, Phaze and Shift, as always, banned to Kapoor. They change colours, Phaze with temperature, and Shift is just iridescent. Shift needs to be painted over Black 2.0 to work, and Phaze just works on its own.

So that’s been the art world for the last two years.

1. “Anish Kapoor is however a penis” is the best line in this post.

Stuart Semple: gonna make an anti-government t-shirt with it.

Me:

Clothes, accessories, make-up, and hair can suggest any number of things about a person’s character. It can be a very useful tool in any story. Personal presentation can suggest things about a character’s gender, profession, religion, sexuality, personal wealth, native culture, and personality (and more). 

Which is, I think, why a lot of female characters are sort of… I don’t want to say “broken”… but their execution has ruined their concept? (This isn’t exclusive to female characters, male characters can also suffer from unsupported unrealistic appearances, but female characters definitely suffer more.) 

You have these female characters who are supposed to be relatable, realistic women, right? But you look at their perfectly curled-and-styled, super long hair and you see hours of hair-care. And you look at their perfectly made-up faces and you see at least a dozen different make-up products and at least a half-hour in the bathroom every morning. And you look at their figures and you see a strict diet and hours in the gym every week, and you see shaving or waxing, and you see well-maintained mani-pedis. And you look at their outfits and you see designer names and special tailoring, and an enormous closet somewhere in their apartment to store all this, and someone who has the time and energy for perfectly done, sorted, and ironed laundry (and is obviously not doing anything remotely physical or dangerous in those heels). 

Which would be fine if that was an intentional visual statement about the character! There are women who put that sort of time/energy/money into their appearance! There are magical and non-human characters (male and female and neither) who can just snap their fingers to look perfect, and I buy it no problem! I get that! 

But this gets done even with female characters who are supposed to be absent-minded workaholics, poor working single mothers, nerdy shut-ins, take-no-shit tomboys, post-apocalyptic survivors, and even faux-medieval warriors who shouldn’t have the time or resources for that level of personal grooming! And even with aliens and non-humans who shouldn’t know to decide to care! 

So you have these “everyday” women with busy lives, but who somehow manage to keep an unrealistic level of personal grooming in absurd situations, and they… become visually unreal. Especially when (even if they are canonically said to care about maintaining a certain appearance) they’re often never shown putting in ANY of the time or effort it would take to manage their appearance (show me their skincare routine, show me them at the gym, show me them doing laundry)! They look like they stepped out of a magazine (often so “perfect” that they’re frankly bland, actually), but it’s not factored into their personality or background or their lives? 

“I don’t wear make-up,” says the female character who is played by an actress very obviously done-up with eyeliner. “I don’t wear make-up,” says the female character who is drawn as though she is permanently wearing lipstick. There are no bad hair days and no laundry days and no moments of imperfection. What the character might be saying is immediately invalidated by the visuals. 

These female characters don’t feel like women so much as they feel like impossible creatures the creator has pretending to be pretty women. They feel fake. They feel like their purpose by the creator is to pander to pervs and unrealistic beauty standards. Especially when they’re sent into combat situations with skintight/revealing outfits with no support and loose hair that’s a blatant liability (and the creators even make them bleed prettily sometimes which is related but different conversation). It’s a stark announcement (intentional or not, knowingly done or not) of the creator’s ignorance and apathy towards women and the choices involved in female self-presentation.