upsideout and insidedown

ever lock eyes with a person and feel like you can see inside their mind? like some weird moving through space kinda vibe where it feels like they can see everything and you feel totally exposed

QUESTION: what if we're all immortal and death is just phase 2 of life but we can't access phase 2 until we die, and however we've behaved in phase 1 dictates our quality of life in phase 2, or what if we're already in phase 2 or 3 or and we'll never know because we don't remember past lives?? Surely life isn't just like... linear? it must be more than one sequence of events idk

is drowning really appealing to anyone else? not like, the whole water filling lungs and body bloating and like the ugly side, just the idea of being swallowed by the sea and drifting away forever and living that merperson life lol (or rather, dying that merperson life)

to be honest i started a blog because i relate too much to alice oseman's tori spring. i downloaded solitaire on my phone n read it on the most tedious and upsetting car journey ever and was like wow. i am her. ngl it made me a bit jealous because oseman is clearly excellent at portraying the teen experience, and she was a PUBLISHED AUTHOR at 18. like, dude, that is my dream. but yeah maybe i just have jealousy issues or crap self esteem so i'll never be fully ok with who i am... or maybe i have a fame complex and want to be something more than just me so i can die without just fading away, which is ironic as sometimes i want to just disappear completely. context for u.

sorry lol pretty sure tumblr posts r meant to b short n sweet but mine r long and sour so oops

just to qualify: i'm 'failing' at life (society's expectations of what life is are complete bullshit obviously) but anyway i'm failing at the sYsTEm (hah hah this is so painfully cliché) because it's midnight and i've done no work all summer after telling myself i'd do it but then again who rly gives a shit we're all gonna die when the planet has had enough of human selfishness so there's no point studying anyway which is why i never do any... or maybe it's just laziness. anyway, not the point. i'm lying on my bed with my crusty old laptop which i've tried to decorate to fit in with my friends balanced on my knees and listening to little simz and thinking jesus christ my life is not hard how have i made such a mess out if it but i guess i'm not special lots of teenagers probably think that. i think it's something to do with that burnt out gifted kid stereotype that i've accidentally fulfilled.