unnamed pumpkin vendor

We’ve had five babies born this shift (they play a lullaby over the intercom so we’re kept apprised) and one nurse was like “we are being overrun by new virgos” with what sounded like genuine disgust. I think she was joking but I prefer to think she isn’t because that’s funnier.

A nurse believing in astrology is the most plausible thing I've heard all day.

I wish depression were an emergency. I wish someone could take one look at how sick I am and go “oh my god, we need to get you to a hospital!” and then when we get there I get rushed into surgery and the surgeons say “it’s a good thing you brought her here when you did, this is a seriously advanced case” and then they put me under and spend the next ten hours pulling metres of long, sticky black strands of gunk out of my body, throwing it immediately into an incinerator so that it can’t infect anyone else. And then they could stitch me back up and I could rest a few days, and when I leave the hospital everyone can see how much better I am and they congratulate me saying “well done, you’ve been so brave, I’m so glad you’re ok. I love you.”

learning that constantly thinking about and analyzing and interpreting my traumas isn’t actually healing . and don’t get me wrong its made me a very effective communicator and emotionally intelligent person. but actually im supposed to be moving on and experiencing new things and happiness and stuff and not just compulsively reliving and recontextualizing the past. oops!

does anybody else remember that reality show where they gaslit a bunch of americans into thinking they were competing to marry prince harry but it was really just some guy

Beatles Tumblr blogs will be like 'one time Paul McCartney lactated and Yoko stole his breastmilk to create a stew" and you'll be like "that must be from a fanfic" then you'll look it up and the source is Ringo

mimes a dismissive jerkoff gesture but im shaking and badly hiding that i orgasmed on the 2nd stroke

not even JRR Tolkien, who famously developed the concept of the Secondary World and firmly believed that no trace of the Real World should be evoked in the fictional world, was able to remove potatoes from his literature. this is a man who developed whole languages and mythologies for his literary world, who justified its existence in English as a translation* simply because he was so miffed he couldn't get away with making the story fully alien to the real world. and not even he, in extremis, was so cruel as to deny his characters the heavenly potato. could not even conceive a universe devoid of the potato. such is its impact. everyone please take a moment to say thank you to South Americans for developing and cultivating one of earth's finest vegetables. the potato IS all that. literally world-changing food. bless.

"Kill yourself" is basic. "I hope your fandom gets a new installment that is objectively a great work but also tonally dissonant from the previous ones in a way that generates a huge newbie boom of people uninterested and hostile towards the history of the franchise" is smart. It's possible. It's terrifying. It's happening right now.

Don’t do this to me.

I think we need to add her to the immortal list.

Confirmed. Likely a very modern one, due to her lack of period affectations. She’s just kicking this journey off and has plans for centuries. 

Counterpoint, from @if-i-am-not-for-me, she was married to Shakespeare.  She’s just pretty good at keeping up with things.

When Anne hath a Will, Anne Hathaway 

World Heritage Post

For my next trick, I'm going the fuck back to bed

In the interest of clarity, the neural interface is not in fact designed to give the pilot an orgasm every time they fire the particle projection cannon, and we have no idea why it keeps doing that.

All pilots are reminded that anomalous breast growth in response to regular use of combat drugs is a symptom of kidney damage, and anyone experiencing it should report to medical immediately.

what did dads even do before wd-40

i try to do a card trick but i fumble with the deck and drop cards all over the floor. you look down at the mess dejectedly, holding your chosen card to your chest as you watch me struggle to salvage the situation. suddenly, my mad scrambling stops, and i look up at you with a coy smirk. "is this your carrd?" i ask, brandishing my phone where your dni list is presented boldly on the screen.