Raphael Ross

a swamp cooler?? so you're saying i can pretend to be a little swamp alligator? maybe the heatwave isn't so bad

Americans have one of the highest obesity rates in the world, yet they hold the most Olympic medals. They have a horrible education system, yet eclipse the rest of the world in scientific research. The country is filled with clueless philistines, yet their culture permeates every society, in some way, across the planet. The country is still less than three centuries old, but has spent most of it at war. They are universally hated or feared by nearly every other country on the planet, yet the first to offer help during a disaster. Their people are stubborn and never content with the way things are, and for better or worse, all of them imagine how things could be better. Every American is a bankrupt billionaire, a prince in exile, a grounded astronaut, a disgraced scientist. There are the people who do not settle for who they are, but for what they may become.

The country has her problems. Certainly their government has a lot of blood on its hands. But there is something charming about the people I can’t quite place. Even the delusional leftists or the out of touch neocons. There is a certain magic about the place that you don’t find elsewhere. There are bad parts and bad people, to be sure, but there are just as many good parts and good people. It is a land of extremes. But even the poor aren’t really that poor. Much better to be a homeless American living on the beach than literally freezing to death at a metro station in Moscow.

I don't mean you can't get good at things through repeated practice. You can do that, I have done that, but I don't trust it.

I was driving this morning and thinking about how I have never developed the blasé contempt for it most people seem to despite never having caused an accident in 20 years because my sense of time is such that I might as well have been driving for a week. I'm a good, safe driver, but I do not have a heap of confidence in my driving despite having regularly done it for two decades because my sense of time is such that those two decades may as well not have happened.

I finished editing a novel today. When I publish it, it will be the 64th novel I have published in the last 10 years, not counting ghostwritten work. You'd think after a decade and 63 novels I'd be confident that I was capable of writing, editing, and publishing a novel—even be confident about the timeline for this—but no. No, I feel like I'm doing it for the first time, every time, and I was surprised to have finished the editing at all, let alone on time. Because those other 63 novels were published in a past I have a vague at best concept of. I have a record that says it happened but I do not feel it.

I cannot trust my future behaviour because for me there is functionally no past. I know it occurred, I have records, but I don't feel it the way people without this kind of memory issue do. I feel inexperienced at everything I've ever done and I cannot accurately estimate my skill level at anything, particularly not on the fly.