Me

Eva: The consensus here is that it would be preferable if you did not die.

Grace (sarcastically): Thanks guys :/

Eva (proud of herself, taking him completely literally): :)

Big fan of high academia Dr Ryland “will call you a staggering waste of carbon” Grace who is a short tempered, egotistical, and kind of a jerk.

Big fan of how Ryland Grace can be both these things but while still having his same fundamental personality as a good person and wet cat.

Big fan of how it’s generally agreed that teaching burned the evil out of him and let his whimsy shine.

Like this. And it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful to hear a soliloquy I loved so much already, and have it come to life in a way it never, ever, did before. I feel like I grasp his motivations, his twists and turns, no longer on an academic level but on a visceral, instinctive one. Because he’s presenting his mental and emotional journey in a way that speaks honestly, like a real person.

but, due to the fog of the amnesia, then the urgency of the mission plus Rocky's appearance, Grace doesn't fully look through every box until they're on their way to Erid. and that's when Rocky wakes up from sleep to see Grace sobbing over a bunch of letters. students telling him how much they enjoyed his class, actually made learning fun and interesting. got them through tough days. made them feel seen and appreciated. quite a few cite his class as being the spark that got them interested in science as a career. and even those that didn't still consider him the best teacher they ever had. fellow teachers admiring his classroom management and lesson planning, and even so his kindness to every student who walked into his room.

one letter is from the principal. when Dr. Grace's involvement in the Hail Mary Project became public knowledge, there was a push from the community to rename the school after him. after discussions with the school board, there had been a secret agreement to do so, even had a new sign made. they were just waiting for him to be released from the project and return to San Fransisco to surprise him. but, with the recent news of his "noble sacrifice", they'd gone ahead and done it. attached the press release with a picture of the new sign, a bunch of his former students standing around it, beaming. a local artist has been commissioned to add a mural to the front entrance over the summer break. and a final note: "Do your work knowing that it will allow the Dr. Ryland Grace Middle School to continue to educate and inspire students for generations."

this study got out of hand haha, but it's a perfect shot for the text from the book (opening of chapter 24) - what a brutal passage :(

That's not what Eva would call it if asked. She is not good at jokes which is apparent by the way this one falls flat. If Eva had to call it anything, she'd call it a ruse. A clever diversion. Of course the second coffee is for Dr. Grace but she knows better than to give a man who just vomited twice and whose throat is probably scraped raw a hot, caffeinated liquid. She didn't expect him to react this intensely to the experience but she really should have. He's a civilian, not military. She needs to remember that going forward.

So she pulls the cups to her chest and says “I need both” expecting him to look at her weird. But he's not missing a beat, just smiles crookedly and waves it off and Eva thinks once again: ‘I'm not good at jokes.’

☕☕☕☕☕☕

“Here you go.”

Eva looks up and there are two coffees sitting on her desk. Dr. Grace sits down next to her, sipping at his own cup, already distracted by papers he was handed for review.

Two coffees. Black.

She opens her mouth to tell him she doesn't need both but snaps it shut when he glances over at her and grins. She lifts one to take a sip and pulls the other one closer to herself.

It can't hurt.

☕☕☕☕

It keeps happening.

Two coffees. On her desk, waiting in her office, shoved into her hands on the way to another mind numbing meeting.

It doesn't happen all the time. Only on especially stressful days or when she is barely able to keep her eyes open. She's unsure if Dr. Grace knows it's just a bit that doesn't need to be indulged all the time or if he is genuinely concerned about her caffeine intake.

He doesn't tell her. She doesn't ask.

☕☕☕☕☕☕

He doesn't bring her two coffees when he meets with her to tell her that he can't do it, that he doesn't have it in him.

She's glad. She doesn't deserve it.

If he had, he might have taken one of them and thrown it in her face.

(he wouldn't)

She would deserve it.

☕☕☕☕☕☕☕☕

She orders the technicians to reprogram the food distribution part of Mary and assign Dr. Grace Ilyukhina’s coffee ration. The Russian woman rarely drinks coffee anyway. She will just have to deal. Eva feels guilty for all of a second before she soothes her own conscience with the fact that Grace will definitely share his ration with the woman anyway if she really craves some caffeine.

He's good like that.

☕☕☕☕☕☕☕

The launch goes off without a hitch. The atmosphere is somber and quiet. There is no loud countdown, no champagne for everyone. Just whispers and a table with some snacks and coffee.

Eva pours herself two cups, just out of habit. Puts cream and sugar in one of them.

Habit, everything.

She stares, unmoving, at the two cups sitting on the table for so long a hand reaches past her to take one of them, probably thinking they are up for grabs for everyone. It's the cream and sugar one, the one she won't drink anyway. She could let them take it but instead she grabs both cups before the other hand can.

“I need both,” she says.

The person next to her makes a face. Like she is being weird.

In the book, Eva most probably gets thrown to the ground by the explosion. As soon as she recovers, the very first person she calls out to is Grace, asking if he's okay.

Alright, maybe that's just because she knows he's the closest person to her.

But that's not what sticks with me.

What sticks with me is what she does next.

She physically goes to him before reaching for her radio to find out what actually happened.

And I kept asking myself: why?

Grace already answered. He said he was alright.

So why not grab the radio immediately? Why not assess the situation first?

Why did she have to go to him?

Because she needed to make sure he was actually okay.

Because she needed to see with her own eyes that he was still there.

Because maybe, no matter what had just happened, she knew she could deal with it as long as he was still there.

Before anything else, she needed to know that Grace was safe.

I actually can't with Eva.

Then there's the movie.

There's a small movement Sandra Hüller makes that you could interpret as Stratt checking on Ryland for a split second before she runs toward the explosion.

But what really gets me is Ryland.

Stratt takes off running without a second thought. It's dangerous. They don't even know what happened yet, but she runs toward the explosion like her life depends on it.

And Grace follows her.

This is the same man who's defined by his fear. The same man who believes he's a coward. The same man who couldn't willingly sacrifice himself for humanity.

Yet when Eva runs straight toward danger...

...he runs after her.

It's the first time we see him willingly throw himself into a dangerous situation without her forcing him or cornering him into it.

It's his own choice.

His instinct isn't to run away.

His instinct is to follow her.