Howdy, Hello, Good Day, Good Bye

Let me explain

Alfred never asked for Bruce. He never wanted him, never wanted to stay, never really treated him the way he was supposed to treat a son.

Alfred asked for the batkids. In some cases he even chose them, in a way he never chose Bruce. He gave Tim the Robin mantle. He gave Dick his inheritance. He gave Jason the greatest respect he knew to give. He gives these kids everything. He loves them much more than he could ever love Bruce. He knows this fact as well as he knows the scars on Bruce's back. Perhaps he should feel bad for it. Perhaps he does.

But if it came down to the children versus Bruce? Alfred would choose Bruce in a heartbeat.

He loves the children, yes. But Bruce is his obligation.

He will press a kiss to their foreheads and then shove them in front of the blade aiming for Bruce's heart. He will tuck them in and brush the strands of hair off their foreheads and then drug them and use them as human barricades in front of Bruce's bedroom door.

He loves these kids. More than he could ever love Bruce. But Bruce is his First and Foremost, and he will do whatever is necessary to protect Bruce. Even if it means sacrificing the children.

Jason: hold on, it's on my phone, let me pull it up.

Tim, audibly delighted: i can't believe you do this-!

Bruce: Robin, don't get distracted, i need you on my six.

Damian: *already distracted, somewhat forlorn* i wish you were an owl...

Bruce: that's not- *pause* what?

Damian: they don't need people on their sixes. they can turn their heads and just look.

*silence*

*distant crashing and gunshots*

Bruce: shit- focus, Robin!

Jason: i got it, it's still here.

Tim: please god read it out,

Bruce: *amidst grunting* you two aren't helping.

Jason, dismissively: then switch to a different line? everybody knows line seven is Red Hood's territory; go back to line one.

Dick: who needs to go back to line one?

Tim: ...Dick you've been here for thirty minutes, how are you not hearing us.

Dick: sorry- you know that thing where you disassociate and drive, and then you snap back to yourself as you pull up the driveway and you have that moment of 'how the fuck am i still alive?'? i think i did that with swinging.

Jason, grunting casually: oh yeah, i get that sometimes.

Dick, mystified: how the fuck did i get to Bristol...? sorry, anyway- what are we on?

Tim: Jason's grudge list.

Dick: Jason's what now?

Jason: i have a list on my phone of the worst things everybody has done to me, so i can keep track of how much revenge i need to get to 'win'.

Damian: ...win what?

Jason: shut up. aren't you fighting?

Damian: it's not that complicated a fight.

*distant gunshot*

Damian, casually, after a beat: Father?

*sounds of punching, hitting*

Bruce: yes?

Damian: how good of a mood would you say you're in?

Bruce: ...why?

Tim: i'm calling it now he got shot- you got shot, didn't you?

*silence*

Damian: tis' but a flesh wound-,

Bruce, resigned: oh my god- Robin.

Damian: you didn't watch my six.

Tim: *laughs*

Damian: it didn't even hit anywhere important,

Bruce: i don't care- just go to the batmobile and get the first aid kit, i'll be there after i finish getting the evidence i needed.

Damian: *groans*

Dick: are you guys done? because i wanna know what's on Jason's list for me.

Tim: yeah i'm- i'm also very invested in this. actually- is Damian on there?

Jason: uhhhh- yeah, by the bottom. i don't update this that much, to be fair.

Damian: what's written for me?

Jason: it just says 'looks too much like Bruce'.

Tim: *instant snickers*

Dick: wait wait- what's on there for Bruce then?

Jason: Bruce's- *laughs* ok, Bruce's has stayed the same since before i went to Ethiopia, and it's still the most evil thing he's ever done to me.

Bruce: *confused grunt*

Jason: according to the list, the meanest shit Bruce has ever done to me was when I was thirteen years old and he took me to an evening afterparty for this opera event, and i was bored as fuck with all the other rich-people kids and i wanted to go home, so to discreetly get B's attention, i texted him-,

Bruce: oh- *snort* ok i remember this.

Dick: what happened?

Jason, indignant: i texted him asking if we could go home, and this piece of shit proceeds to look at the text in the middle of this circle of people he's talking to, read the text from me OUT LOUD TO THEM, and then he looked at me across the room and yelled out 'what's wrong, chum? who don't you like, why do you wanna leave so early?'

Tim: *long noise of sympathy*

Dick: *cackling* THAT'S SO BAD????

Bruce: *another snort*

Jason: shut up Bruce. -and you wonder why we hated you; honestly.

Bruce: you were- *struggling to tamp down his amusement* you were being a handful, and that was the quickest way i could think of to make you want to be quiet.

Dick: *more cackles*

Jason: worst moment of my life to date, and i've literally been murdered.

Bruce, slightly amused: oh come now, chum, that's dramatic.

Jason: IT'S NOT THOUGH??? IT'S PUBLIC HUMILIATION!

Tim: *wheeze*

Damian: *hiss of pain* oh- woooaaahhhhhh,

Dick, still snickering: -uh, Dami?

Damian: hm? oh, sorry, no, carry on, don't mind me- *under his breath* huh, that's cool.

Bruce, slightly concerned: Robin, where are you? i thought i told you to wait in the car.

Damian: i am in the car.

Bruce: then what are you doing?

Damian: taking out the bullet i got shot with.

Tim: ...the hell is 'cool' about that?

Damian: there's a second one already in there that i didn't know about.

*a beat*

Dick, baffled: what?

Bruce, stern: Robin what's your status, are you ok?

Jason: when the fuck did you even last get shot?

Damian: i dunno, that's why it's cool. i guess i forgot about it?

Tim: dude- what the fuck even is your life.

Damian: yeah i don't- oh, i think the second one was blocking a vein- shit, there's blood on the seats,

Dick: oh my god BRUCE GO TO YOUR KID-

Bruce: I'M GOING-

Tim, mumbling: like father like son,

Damian: was he not- i mean i know he wasn't fatherly, but was he not strict when you two were younger?

Dick: *loud laughing* oh, man, not even close-!

Jason: yeah, he really wasn't- i mean, he tried to be on occasion i guess; but it wasn't really parental strictness more than it was just being harsh and bitter.

Tim: so B really didn't try at all at first, huh?

Jason: he didn't- ok, honestly? my personal theory is that he didn't know he had kids until after i died.

Dick: *laughter turns to wheezes* wHAT?

Jason: no- *wheeze* shut up, hear me out, *cackles*

Tim, audibly amused: what the fuck does that even mean--like you think he forgot he adopted you both?

Jason: no, no- i just think he didn't understand the correlation between adoption and actually being in charge.

Damian: you think that in his mind it was a one time thing? like 'oh, adopting kids? yeah i did that in the past, fun night'.

Tim: *wheeze*

Jason: y-*snort*-yeah, you get it.

Dick: SO WAIT- *deep breath* so you- so you think that for Bruce it was like he had no idea until after you died, at which point he was panicking looking around like 'FUCK A CHILD IS DEAD, SOMEBODY CALL HIS PARENT- ooooh, i get it now,'

Tim: *loud uncontrollable cackling*

Jason, also fighting through wheezes: no i- *choke* no, i mean like- i think he didn't really understand that he was supposed to be a parent in all the senses rather than just the legal. i think you were too happy with every non-parent-like decision he made, and i was too independent, so he thought we were all just chill living in each other's spaces.

Dick: *wheeze* he thought- he thought that Dad was just a title, like Mr or Mrs,

Damian: -like when you buy a two foot square of land online so you can legally be called a lord.

Dick: *cackling* tHAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS-

Jason: yeah, yeah- and then i died and Tim fuckin' showed up, and i have to imagine he was just white-knuckling it in the Batcave looking at him like 'god, i really need to lock the fuck in with this guy',

Tim and Dick: *start crying*

Damian: you think- *snort* so finding Drake was Father internally sighing and going 'ok, time to grind i guess'?

Jason: exac- *wheeze*

*connecting ping*

Bruce: boys, it's-

*a pause* *breathless laughter*

Bruce: i don't even want to know what's so funny this time. i'm just here to call Robin home; it's almost three, i want you to come back to the cave with me so you can get some sleep before your exam at school tomorrow.

Damian, disgruntled: *sigh* yeah yeah, on my way.

Dick, weeping, tone high-pitched: he's locking in-

-

Wonder Woman: -oh, and thank you to Red Robin for that piece of insight you gave us last week, it was very helpful.

Damian dressed up as Tim, has no idea what she's talking about: ....no worries.

Aquaman: oh i wasn't here last week, what did you say?

Red Robin:

Red Robin: ....if you... sprinkle cinnamon on your window-ledges, then spiders aren't as likely to come into your house...?

Aquaman:

Wonder Woman:

Woman Woman: i was referring to the fact that you checked our suspect list and absolved Leonard Woodgate from suspicion due to his documented presence in Gotham during the incident.

Red Robin:

Red Robin: ah.

Wonder Woman, glaring at him: Damian.

Red Robin: fuck.

-

*Nightwing, on his phone at the meeting table*

Green Lantern: hey, Dick, can you pass me my coffee?

Nightwing: *doesn't glance over*

Green Lantern: Dick.

Green Lantern: Diiiick?

Green Lantern: RICHARD? DICK???

Batman walking in: you called me?

Green Lantern, looking between them: w- oh for fucks sake- WHERE'S BRUCE?

Dick as Batman, shrugging: honestly i didn't even ask- hey, Tim, where's B?

Nightwing: *still doesn't look up*

Red Hood, showing up in the doorway: did you say my name?

Dick as Batman, now also slightly confused: ...oh is Jason me today?

Jason as Nightwing, finally looking up: oh- sorry, what? completely zoned out there.

Tim as Red Hood: yeah man, i'm Jason, Jason's you, and you're B while he's at the dentist.

Dick: ...huh.

Green Lantern: IF YOU CAN'T TELL HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO?!

-

Robin, walking into the room: i'm here, are we starting the meeting soon?

*The rest of the league not giving him a second look*

Superman: ah, hello Damian. yes, sit down, we're starting soon.

Robin:

Robin:

Tim as Robin, angrily: oh fuck off- I AM NOT SHORT ENOUGH TO PASS AS DAMIAN.

The JL:

Damian as Red Robin, walking into the room and muttering under his breath: told you, you loser.

-

bonus:

*Red Hood, pouring himself a coffee in the Watchtower kitchen*

Arsenal, coming up behind him and pinching Hood's ass: hey sexy, you coming to mine after this thing or am i coming to yours? we went to mine last time, but i dunno the weather in Gotham this week, so your choice.

Red Hood:

Red Hood:

Arsenal: what?

Dick as Red Hood: this cannot fucking be how i find out you're fucking my little brother, Roy.

Arsenal:

Arsenal: are you fucking- STOP DOING THIS.

Jason as Batman, walking into the room and looking at them for a second:

Jason as Batman: please tell me-

Dick: you treat my fucking brother with respect, Harper.

Jason as Batman: *loses his shit*

A Nervous Old Man (right) and his Emotional Support Violence Machine (Left)

au where Jason was supposed to make sure Damian gets to Bruce safely but gets sidetracked by his crime lord/Joker revenge arc, and so on the night he was supposed to take Damian over to the manor he gets called away and tells Damian to just go over there alone, except Damian happens to spot Batman and Robin on patrol anyway and figures he just go and meet them there instead. which he does, and he goes home with them, and he settles in as a Wayne boy, eventually inheriting the Robin mantle from Tim, and it’s all normal and fine except for one thing.

Bruce has no idea Damian is his biological son.

Like, from Bruce’s perspective he just happened upon a small child with dark hair and an odd desensitisation to crime/violence with no other place to go and an interest in becoming Robin. that is literally how he acquired every other child he has adopted, this was Not unordinary behaviour from him. on Damian’s part, he had presumed that Talia would have alerted Bruce that he existed before sending him to Gotham, so he was under the impression that Bruce already knew Damian was his kid and this didn’t feel the need to overtly mention it. he just kinda showed up in the middle of Batman fighting a group of muggers, helped take them down, said he no longer had another home (he forgot the code to Jason’s apartment building and is too stubborn to ask for it again), and followed when Bruce told him to get in the batmobile.

i think Tim, Dick and Bruce would just assume that Damian is the product of some kind of trafficking ring/other horrible background that led to him being homeless on the streets with a decent hand to hand skillset, so they probably just. assume that Damian doesn’t want to talk about it. thinking that Damian will come to them when he’s ready to talk about where he came from, they just ask that he’s safe and nobody from his past is going to come for him. but the thing is, Damian knows from Jason that Batman and the League of Assassins don’t see eye to eye, so he presumes these questions are just about the probability of Damian meaning more league members are going to pop up in the Batman’s territory. so Damian, being honest, just goes ‘no- well unless you count Red Hood, but he defected so i’m not sure that counts’

so now Bruce not only has no idea he’s accidentally adopted his own fucking son, but he is under the impression that Damian is on the run from the Red Hood. and Damian is just increasingly confused by his family’s reactions to -in his mind- normal scenarios.

-

Bruce: and do you have a surname that you can remember?

Damian:

Damian, squinting: isn’t it… Wayne?

Bruce:

Bruce, tearing up as he prepares to contact his lawyers about adopting a child with no legal identity: i’m so glad you feel the same way.

Damian: ?

-

Bruce, the night they met Damian: and here is a guest room you can stay in for now,

Damian: thank you, Father.

Bruce:

Tim: that was quick. not even Dick’s at that stage yet.

Bruce: i know.

Tim: don’t expect that from me, buddy. i’m still kinda mad the fake uncle trick didn’t work.

Bruce: i know.

Tim: and i mean Dick left for Bludhaven, Jason ran for Ethiopia, i didn’t originally want to be adopted; it’s about time you found a kid who actually likes you-

Bruce: Tim shut up and go to bed.

-

Jason, interrupting them all on patrol: oh hey, you let the kid be Robin, cool.

Tim and Dick: *instantly jumping in front of Damian to shield him*

Dick: you aren’t taking him, Hood!

Tim: he’s free from you now and we won’t let him go, understand?

Jason:

Damian:

Jason:

Jason, side-eyeing them suspiciously: …aight. anyway, kid, you left your hoodie at my place. here.

Damian, catching the hoodie and sending Tim and Dick weird looks: thanks…?

-

i want this to go on for so long. like, i want Jason to be back in the family and him and Damian still not realising none of the bats know Damian is Bruce’s actual kid. i want there to be a really bad incident involving the JLA where Bruce gets poisoned/magicked in some way where the only cure that will save his life is blood/DNA from a blood-related donor, and everybody is freaking the fuck out because Bruce has no siblings and his parents are dead, so they have no options.

Nightwing, landing on a rooftop where Red Hood's speaking to one of his subordinates: yo, Hood, what's going on?

Jason: hey. just getting the report for that secret shopper thing i was gonna do with the Wayne kids.

Subordinate: yeah... uh, why are Bruce Wayne's kids taking part in this again?

Jason, without missing a beat: because non of their neighbours need their laws mowed and Brucie says it's important for kids their ages to start learning the responsibility of having a job. anyway, Damian was up tonight, right? who was he buying from, 'cause i already know they failed.

Subordinate: yeah, Rick let the kid buy from him, so he needs to be punished i guess. bought two eighths of weed and an ounce of coke without Rick even blinking.

Jason, frowning: yeah, call that guy up for me to 'speak' to-

Jason:

Jason: wait Damian bought what?

Subordinate: ...two eighths of weed and an ounce of coke?

Jason:

Dick: what's wrong?

Jason, shooting off a grapple: that little shit only gave me back the weed-

~

Jason: *crying with laughter in the middle of the street*

Dick, landing nearby: ...you ok Hood?

Jason: *wheezing*

Duke, faintly, from Jason's phone: ITS NOT FUNNY.

Dick: what's happened?

Jason: Duke- *wheeze* Duke was supposed to do his secret shopper assignment tonight, but he didn't read the memo properly and tried to buy from a group of four of my guys as Signal instead of himself,

Duke: -SHUT UP JASON.

Jason: *still struggling to breathe* so he- so he rocked up and asked to buy as Signal, and my guys all assumed he was arresting them for possession,

Dick: oh my god.

Jason: they dropped him everything they fucking had and bolted, and now he's panicking on the other end of Crime Alley because four peoples' entire product inventory is too much for him to carry in one go and he's scared of leaving any behind for kids to wander across, so he's- *collapses into more laughter*

Dick, in awe: he's just stuck guarding it?!

Duke, from Jason's phone, incredibly distressed: THE RATS ARE CIRCLING IN. I'M NOT USUALLY OUT THIS LATE. SOMEBODY NEEDS TO COME AND FUCKING HELP ME-

Jason: *loses it*

~

Dick: hey, Tim did his secret shopper thing tonight, right? how'd that go?

Jason: *head in his hands*

Dick: ...did the guy fail?

Jason, muffled: no.

Dick: then what happened?

Jason: i had him try to buy from the same guy as Damian, to see if he'd 'learned his lesson', and he refused to sell to Tim point blank.

Dick: ok...?

Jason: but then Tim got offended that he'd sold to Damian and not him, so he pulled a gun on the guy and robbed him instead.

Dick:

Dick: the fuck did he get a gun from-

Jason: i don't fucking know Dick.

~

*Dick and Jason getting food on patrol when Steph calls Jason*

Steph: so i did the thing and it didn't work but i don't think it didn't work because i'm a kid.

Jason: ...what do you mean?

Steph: well i walk up to these two guys and ask to buy, right? and they say sure, what do you want? and i go 'four', and these guys say 'four what' and i'm like ??? the fuck do you think? four drugs. and-

Jason: *puts his head in his hands as Dick chokes on his hotdog*

Steph: -they look at me like i'm the fucking idiot, like, you should know how to count if you're gonna be a drug dealer, it's not like you guys have cash registers to help you out, right? and they start arguing with me and telling me that clearly i'm already high—which, fuck you guys, my makeup is awesome tonight, i do not look like i did it while high, how dare you! so i said maybe they're high and i should call their boss and snitch for stealing his supply, and they were like 'nuh uh blondie, nuh uh!' all mocking and shit, so i kicked one guy in the balls and the other guy grabbed me and now they won't let me leave until i prove that you sent me.

Jason:

Dick: *crying*

Steph, brightly: so yeah, if you could come pick me up~

Stephanie: We have bad news Tim. You should sit down.

Tim: Oh shit did someone actually die?? Who was it this time?

Dick: Remember that civilian that we catch trailing after us every so often? The one who was involved in the Penguin incident awhile ago?

Tim: Oh. Clarissa O’Neal? What about her?

Damian: She was taken hostage by one of Black Masks henchmen. We didn’t make it in time to save her.

Tim: ? And that’s why you guys are so upset? C’mon guys lighten up, it’s movie night

Jason, getting visibly pissed: What the Fuck dude. A civilian we were close to fucking died because we didn’t make it in time

Dick: I know you didn’t like her much but show a bit of empathy Timmy. You usually take these situations seriously

Tim: I’ve been trying to kill her off for ages. Why would I be upset??

Steph: Tim you have 10 seconds to fix your attitude before i fix it for you

Jason: Since when do you take people’s lives so lightly? Dude you need to leave before I do something i regret.

Tim: I didn’t know you guys were so attached to her. I could revive her if you want, but honestly it’s more effort than it’s worth. And she was getting unwanted attention from the rogues so she had to go.

Damian: Revive?? Timothy what are you on about? And why are you saying that like you personally set up her demise?

Tim: Because I did? The planning for it took forever but I have to admit everything went a lot better than I was expecting.

Dick: TIM WHAT—

Jason: WHAT THE HELL—

Damian: MURDER? You?!

Steph, screaming over everyone else: WAIT SHUT UP

Steph: TIM NO YOU DID NOT

Steph: TIM DON’T TELL ME YOU DID IT AGAIN

Dick: Again?!? What are you talking about?!

Steph, laughing: Guys calm down. HE was Clarissa

Tim: You guys didn’t know??

Jason: HOW WERE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THE HISPANIC LOOKING WOMEN IN HER MID TWENTIES AND A CRIME ALLEY ACCENT WAS YOU

Dick: Tim i am THIS CLOSE to burning down your disguise room.

Damian: Timothy explain yourself

Tim: I had an undercover op that I needed a female field agent for a couple years ago to infiltrate penguins operations. Over time She became a bit too important and Black mask was threatening her. So I decided to kill her off. I got the info I needed already and it was becoming a bit of a drag keeping up appearances

Steph: You need to stop getting us emotionally invested in your aliases and then killing them off. This is the fourth time you did this to me. I’ll never forgive you for Alvin Draper, I still grieve him even though i know you’re alive!

Tim: YOU guys need to start recognizing me in disguise. Worlds greatest detectives MY ASS

Jason: DUDE YOU GAVE YOURSELF DOUBLE D’s WHY WOULD WE ASSUME THAT WAS YOU

Damian: My training in this area has been neglected. Timothy show me your disguise lair

Tim: Sure, after movie night. Let’s go

Dick: This is gonna bite us in the ass. Damian is already so good at impressions. We will never know if someone we are talking to is him or not

Tim: LMAO When i’m done with him? Yea everyone’s fucked

Steph: It’s gonna give Roger from American dad

Bruce from the corner: *Breathes a sigh of relief*

Jason, on a medical table for the twelfth experiment that day: how do we even know it was me, though?

Ra's: what do you mean?

Jason, shrugging: like- maybe i was just in a magic coffin. maybe it had nothing to do with me, maybe it was my environment. have you ever read the book 'pet cemetery'?

Ra's:

Ra's: *squints deeply*

Ra's: no. if it was the graveyard then you wouldn't be the only person that came back to life. you're being ridiculous.

Jason: i dunno. maybe it was just that one specific patch of grass.

Ra's:

Ra's: hm.

Bruce finds out Jason came back to life way earlier than planned because halfway through patrol he gets an alert of a disturbance at Gotham Cemetery and when he and Tim get there it's to see Jason and Ra's in the dark with headlamps on next to Jason's now dug-up grave, dirt everywhere as Jason holds a shovel and Ra's holds the corpse of a dead chicken over the hole, ready to lower it, surrounded by league assassins either standing guard or holding notebooks and pens for if something actually happens and Ra's wants to take notes.

If you are a socially anxious person, you have to socialize. Your panic/anxiety attacks will only get worse and trigger more frequently if you constantly avoid contact with The Public. Not saying that you need to be a social butterfly- but there is a genuine problem with not being able to order your own meal at a restaurant. And it cannot be solved by always having someone else do it for you.